"And everything I do, I do it wrong."
Steven sang those words once on his mother's home planet once. Back then, the only thing he had to worry about was changing the minds of three galactic dictators; it seemed so daunting then, but now it was laughably simple. Especially compared to this feeling.
He sat on the edge of his bed, his knees pulled his chest and his arms wrapped around them as he stared at the blank television. Peridot had left hours ago after they watched the season finale of the Camp Piney Hearts reboot. It had been terrible, but spending time with her made it worth it. And now she was gone and probably wouldn't visit until season two started up again if it ever did.
If he concentrated, he could almost still see her reflection in the television or hear her cackles, but the spot where she sat was vacant, just like the hole in Steven's chest. She asked him if he was okay, as he seemed quiet all night, and he said he was fine. But it was another one of his lies. He just didn't want her to worry, not after he traumatized her with his dream a few months ago. He didn't want her to think that he was still worried about losing her, when she went out of her way to watch a terrible show with him.
"What's wrong with me?" Steven voiced to no one as he allowed himself to fall back on his bed. "I can't even tell my friend how I'm feeling. I have to rely on dreams to do it for me."
He sighed and closed his eyes, but didn't sleep. His nightmares were worse than ever now. It started out with his friends partying in his house and he was an outsider, looking in. No one heard his pleas, even when he was right outside the door. Now, he could barely see his own home. He was stranded on a small island that was barely big enough for him to sit on. Every time he tried to leave it, the water would force him back on the small sandbar as if Lapis was keeping him there.
But it didn't feel like Lapis at all. It felt like his own thoughts. When he was in the water, the overwhelming urge to go back to the sandbar was there. He could only think of how much they didn't want him there. If they did, wouldn't they invite him inside?
So he was forced to watch the lights and hear the distant music and laughter. Occasionally, Pearl and Bismuth or Peridot and Lapis would go out on the balcony, but none of them heard his yells. Lately, even his dream-self had given up on calling out to them.
He used to be so good at bringing people together and being a part of their family. But everything he did now, he did it wrong. He needed to feel needed but didn't know how to be needed anymore. His entire purpose was fulfilled, after all. He was 16 and his entire life was already over. He tried moving on, but that failed. He couldn't be okay with Lars leaving, with his dad cutting off his hair, with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl running the school and living without him by their side, with Connie barely being around; he failed at it all. Even gardening, something as simple as keeping flowers alive, he failed at.
He opened his eyes again and stared at the shadowy ceiling. He didn't even know how to talk about his feelings to the gems. He always managed to get them to open up, but he couldn't do it himself.
His hand moved to cover his gem and he turned his head to stare through his sliding glass door. This was so familiar to him. He really was his mother's child, wasn't he? She never talked about her problems: she ran away from them and hurt others instead of just talking to them. Her outbursts left their scars, just as Steven's nearly had. He, after all, had almost crushed his friends in a pink dome because he refused to admit that he didn't want them to leave him.
In a way, he felt like Pearl. He felt like he had hands over his mouth every time he tried to talk about something his family should know. But instead of fighting against Pink Diamond's orders, he was fighting against himself.
And he knew that. He knew that it was his problem and that he had the power to fix it. So why did he feel so powerless? Why was he doing everything wrong?
"Because I don't know what's right," he whispered to himself. "I don't know how to fix this."
Everything else had a clear answer: the corrupted gems needed to be healed, the Diamonds needed to see that gems weren't happy, Pearl and Amethyst needed to repair their relationship, Garnet needed to be okay with being herself without Rose Quartz's influence, and on the list went.
And Steven? What did he need?
He groaned in frustration and rubbed his hands over his eyes. He needed to be needed. But it was more than that; it was something bigger than him that he couldn't understand. He was always needed in the past. That's just who he was! And now, without that, who was he? A lonely teenager without a purpose.
He couldn't go to college – he never even went to school – and all of his friends were moving on. Maybe he could try running his own business like Jenny had? But with what idea? Maybe he could be a musician like Sadie or his dad? But he hasn't touched his instruments in months.
What else what he good at? In the past, he might have said "solving problems," but he couldn't even solve his own. Even when he was a kid, he didn't know how to fix his own issues. He usually just ignored them entirely until he couldn't anymore, like when Stevonnie's fusion fell apart and he and Connie nearly fell to their deaths because of it. Or when Connie wasn't talking to him. Or when he first saw the Diamonds in the moon base. Everything was just pushed down and bottled up – just like how the gems used to treat their insecurities.
"Why is this so hard!" he exclaimed, louder than he meant to, as his skin heated up. The familiar pink glow engulfed him as emotions rolled through his head and a weight settled on his chest, but he didn't care. "Why can't I fix this?"
"Steven?" Pearl's voice called up the stairs. "Are you okay?"
Just tell her, Steven. Just ask for help, his heart screamed, but his heart didn't control his tongue.
"Uh, yeah," Steven heard himself call. "I'm fine."
He cursed himself. She gave him an in, but he couldn't take it. He wouldn't.
"Are you sure?" Pearl asked, her footsteps coming closer as she climbed the stairs. "I'm here to talk if you need it."
"No!" Steven called, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. "It's okay! I'm okay! Just a nightmare, it's nothing!"
Pearl paused right before she came into view and Steven heard her sigh. "Well, alright. I'll be downstairs for a while if you change your mind."
Her retreating footsteps thudded painfully in Steven's chest. He turned to his side and hugged his pillow close, trying to pull himself together. She was right there and he couldn't do it. And now, feeling this way, it just felt normal. All of it felt so familiar.
He buried his face in the pillow and let tears fall from his eyes.
"What's wrong with me?" he whispered again. "Why is this so hard?"
He stayed like that for a long time curled up in bed. When he heard Pearl finally leave the house, his heart broke with the dawn. He heard her laugh at something outside and he turned away from the window, unable to think of anything other than how happy she was now that she wasn't worried about him or Pink. Now that he was okay.
But he wasn't okay.
He rolled onto his back and covered his eyes with his arm.
No, he thought, he wasn't okay.
… …. … …. … … … … … …
Author's Note: Random one-shot idea I had after watching an episode of Steven Universe Future. I relate so hard to this version of Steven, it's ridiculous. So, I just wanted to write a bit of a word dump to expand on what went through my head when I was going through a similar transition to Steven's.