Dipper frantically tapped his foot against the grass beneath him, checking his wristwatch for what felt like the millionth time that morning. He tugged at his collar, the starched cotton/polyester blend beginning to feel a little to constricting for comfort. Looking at the rows full of friends and relatives sitting before him, he could tell their patience was also growing dangerously thin. Most of them were murmuring amongst themselves, no doubt about how displeased they were; others were fanning themselves in a desperate attempt to cool off under the unbearably hot mid-July heat.
He sighed as he tried to steady his nerves. He knew it was customary for the bride to arrive after the groom, but at that point Pacifica was officially looking at 'fashionably late' through the rearview mirror.
"Dipper, maybe you should check on her." said Grunkle Ford, who had agreed to officiate the ceremony and had been waiting as patiently as his great-nephew on his designated spot by the altar. "I'm beginning to worry something might have happened. Plus the guests are getting restless and the hors d'oeuvres will go bad under this heat very soon."
"I know, I know…" Dipper sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It's just that she told me she might take a little longer than usual, and that I should just be patient. But this might be getting a little out of hand."
"I'll say. I haven't seen this many sweaty and disgruntled faces since my journey to Dimension C-137." Ford chuckled halfheartedly.
"I'm sure she's fine, but she sure is milking it to the limit. I guess I should – "
Their conversation was interrupted by a sudden flash of blue light at the center of the aisle, which elicited some horrified gasps and a few screeches from some of the guests. Out of the flash came Bill, wearing his usual yellow tailcoat over a white dress shirt, black dress pants, bow tie, top hat and triangular eyepatch, and Mabel, who wore a seafoam-green gown with a white headband and white heels.
"Who's ready for a wedding?" Bill exclaimed cheerfully, blowing handfuls of confetti out of his coat sleeves.
"Where have you been?!" Dipper whisper-yelled as Bill adjusted his hat atop his head. "It's bad enough that Pacifica hasn't shown up yet, I don't need my best man to be late too!"
"You chose Bill as your best man?" Ford asked in a horrified way.
"I don't really have any other friends." Dipper murmured in shame. "Plus Bill was the only one who volunteered."
"And FYI, I prefer the term 'groomsman'." Bill corrected as he positioned himself at the altar next to the groom. "'Best man' sounds too bromance-y for my liking."
Ford glared angrily at Bill, who in turn just flashed him a wicked grin.
"Don't worry about Pacifica, bro-bro. I'm sure she'll show." Mabel beamed at her twin. "In fact, I have a feeling she's going to be here very soon, if you catch my drift."
"Mabel, you are ridiculously transparent." Dipper groaned. "She set you up to this, didn't she?"
"A-doy! You know how Pacifica is! She's all about grand entrances and whatnot. Don't worry, we've been preparing for this all morning, so all you have to do is wait here and look handsome. Think you can do that?"
"Don't patronize me, Mabel. Ever since Pacifica made you maid of honor you've been acting like you're everyone's boss."
"Hey, it's my job to make sure everything goes without a hitch during the ceremony!" she poked her index finger on his chest in a menacing way. "If just one little thing goes wrong today, it's my ass that'll be on the line! Pardon my French."
"Alright, alright…" Dipper couldn't help but laugh at his sister's fiery determination. "Just promise me she'll get here soon."
"Very soon." Mabel winked before taking her stand at the altar.
Dipper took a deep breath as he mentally told himself to calm down, his sister's word replaying in his mind. Pacifica really was a great apologist of grand entrances; the flashier, the better. As much as remembering that fact soothed his nerves about her showing up for the ceremony, it worried him about what kind of stunt she was planning to pull at the same time.
He was pulled back to reality when he heard quiet gasps from some of the guests, and when he looked at the end of the aisle he understood why: a huge, extravagant wedding cake was rolled in by one of the hired busboys from the catering staff, who seemed to be struggling to push the gigantic pastry. Once the cake reached the center of the aisle, the busboy took a second to catch his breath and crack his back before leaving. Mabel stepped up and took out a lighter from the pocket of her dress to light up the candle at the top of the cake, which immediately started hissing like a fuse as the flame went down the wick at an alarming speed.
Dipper immediately felt his heart sink as memories flashed in his mind about the last time he was presented with a large cake with a fuse. Looking at his sister, he saw her grinning cheekily and trying her best not to burst out laughing. The fuse had almost been completely consumed by the flame and the cake was compressing and expanding like a volcano about to erupt, so he had no time to warn the guests about the impending blast. All he had time to do was brace himself by covering his ears and facing away from the cake.
The fuse stopped burning once the flame reached the base, but oddly enough there was no explosion. Dipper uncovered his ears and turned back around, feeling utterly confused. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could utter so much as a word, the top of the cake popped off and out shot Pacifica into the sky as if she had been launched from a cannon. She soared into the sky like a shooting star, striking a pose in midair before coming back down and landing perfectly in Dipper's arms, bridal style.
"Hey there, future hubby." She greeted him seductively as she batted her eyelashes. "Missed me?"
Dipper was a loss for words. His bride had just literally fallen onto his lap, looking more extravagant and stunning than ever. She had chosen to wear a ludicrously fancy white wedding dress with an obscenely large balloon skirt that felt like it weighed more than her. He wondered how she wasn't boiling inside that thing. She had a gargantuan, incredibly expensive cigar clenched between her grinning teeth, the biggest and fanciest one he'd ever seen her with, its lit tip sparkling and the smoke emanating from it smelling like wedding cake. It was actually quite pleasant.
"I want to be mad, but that was really impressive." He wheezed, struggling under her weight.
"You're too cute." She cooed and kissed his nose.
"I hate to interrupt such a tender moment…" Ford chimed in, clearing his throat. "… but could we maybe start the ceremony?"
The rest of the ceremony carried out as planned. Dipper and Pacifica exchanged their vows and Dipper slid the wedding ring onto Pacifica's finger, which caused some of their guests to tear up. Soos was the one who cried the most, having to ask Melody for a handkerchief in order to blow his nose. As soon as Ford announced that Dipper could kiss the bride, Pacifica pulled him into her arms, dipped him and pressed their lips together with such passion that caused him to blush and the guests to cheer loudly; especially Bill and Mabel, the latter yelling 'Yeah! Get it, girl!' at the top of her lungs.
After walking down the aisle hand-in-hand with her new husband, Pacifica positioned a cannon at the end of the aisle and tossed the bouquet into it. She lit the cannon with her cigar and turned around as the flowers shot into the air, prompting excited squeals from the single ladies that jumped out of their seats in a nearly desperate attempt to grab them. When she turned around, Pacifica was presented with a rather amusing sight: Mabel had knocked out two other women and was standing over their unconscious bodies, her clothes and hair a disheveled mess and a large grin spread across her face as she panted loudly and proudly held the bouquet over her head for all to see.
Later in the ceremony, Bill gave the customary best man toast – or, as he preferred to call it, the 'groomsman sermon'. He snapped his fingers and a large scroll appeared in his hand, unfurling all the way down to his feet. After grabbing a glass of champagne and clearing his throat, the humanized dream demon proceed to regale everyone present with every single embarrassing story from Dipper's youth, from the very first time he wet the bed at a slumber party, to the time a pigeon flew against his face the previous month. Everyone was in stitches apart from Dipper, who was wishing he could disappear off the face of the Earth.
A few hours into the reception, as the sun began to set over the horizon, the time finally came to cut the wedding cake. Dipper and Pacifica made their way to the cake, the latter popping a few balloons with her cigar on the way.
"Would you like to do the honors, milady?" Dipper asked gallantly as he handed her the large knife.
"I would love to, Sir Dippingsauce." She teased, gently brushing his hand away. "But I won't be needing that."
He cocked a brow as she pushed him aside, pulling the cigar from her mouth to light another candle on the cake. The wick began to sizzle as had happened before, and Dipper immediately faced away from the cake to brace himself from the blast. Pacifica did not move a single inch, watching as the cake shot off into the sky like a rocket and exploded into a firework show in the shape of the newlyweds, eliciting amazed gasps from the guests. The pieces of the wedding cake then rained from the sky, landing perfectly on everybody's plates.
"Dessert is served." Pacifica declared proudly, popping the cigar back into her mouth.
"That… was amazing!" Dipper laughed excitedly. "You never cease to amaze me, Pacifica Northwest."
"And I will continue to amaze you for the rest of our lives. In sickness and in health, till death us do part." She winked at him.
"I love you."
Dipper scooped Pacifica into his arms and planted a kiss on her lips with such passion that all the guests cheered once more. He then lifted her off her feet and carried her bridal style in the direction of the exit.
During their romantic departure, Pacifica blew out a massive cloud of smoke in the shape of a heart that enveloped them both, shielding their figures from the rest of the guests' view. When it cleared away, they were nowhere to be found. Everyone surveyed their surroundings attentively in an effort to figure out where the bride and groom had gone, when the cannon Pacifica had used to shoot her bouquet fired again, and everyone present witnessed the couple being shot out of the cannon and into a limousine that was waiting for them at the side of the road. They drove away, the 'Just Married' sign on the back of the vehicle being the last thing the invited guests saw.
"Now that's what I call a wedding to remember." Mabel commented smugly, high-fiving Bill.
Inside the limousine, Dipper and Pacifica were celebrating their newfound matrimony.
"So… we're married!" Dipper cheered as he popped open a bottle of champagne that had been stored in the limo. "It was a wild ride, but we're finally there! What do you want to do now?"
"What don't I want to do?" Pacifica laughed before pulling her new husband into another kiss. "The sky's the limit, baby!"
"Whatever you say, darling." He grinned, handing her a glass of champagne.
"Thank you very much, Mr. Pines."
"You are very welcome, Mrs. Pines."
Pacifica took her cigar out of her mouth and popped it into Dipper's, afterwards taking out her long, elegant cigarette holder and placing it between her lips. She lit the cigarette at the end off of Dipper's cigar in a sort of pseudo-kiss.
"I've been planning on doing this all day. You look too darn 'smoking'." Pacifica winked, which caused Dipper to blush profusely.
They toasted to their newfound marriage, and to their future together as husband and wife.