...Nazarick...
Mare chucked the stone out into the lake near his tree home. It skipped across, barely missing the small mausoleum and disappearing into the brush beyond the still waters. He picked up another stone, and did it again, and again, and again, until he felt the smack to the back of his head. "Ow!" He said as he bent forward and rubbed the spot that had just been struck.
"Well, that's what you get for neglecting me all day... and for starting to wear pants! I liked you better in that skirt." Aura said as she put her hands on her hips and leaned forward to glare at her brother.
"S-Sister! That was mean! And if you can start to wear a bra, I can start to wear pants!" He insisted, still rubbing the back of his head as his ears twitched noticeably. "What has you out here doing this all day anyway?" She asked, her lips suddenly pursing together and her eyes focusing on his, suddenly full of concern as he turned around to look at her.
"Just thinking. The elves we picked up, they were trying to ah... 'teach' me again, you know..." Mare replied with a faint blush on his dark tan skin.
Aura smacked her face with her open palm. "Really? That? I swear..." She groused with annoyance, "Bad enough they won't let us get dressed on our own, but... hold on, what is it this time? They haven't done that in at least four years." Aura's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "SHE was here again, wasn't she?"
"Ah..." Mare fidgeted his feet in the grass and looked equal parts embarrassed and like the cat who swallowed the canary. "Kind of..." He blushed and rubbed the back of his head, and not from the sting. "She was here to see Lord Ainz about the border mountains in the South of her territory, and, well she stopped by and..." "And that pervert tried to..." Aura began, but was unable to finish.
"No! No no no no no no no!" Mare said with sudden fervent animation as he waved his hands frantically in front of him and shook his head vigorously. "Nothing like that! I promise! She was just bringing me a book, and some plants, and paying her respects to the mausoleum..." Aura looked at her little brother with a deep degree of mistrust that he was not entirely sure was just for Zesshi. Her eyes narrowed enough that she might have been trying to imitate the former Pope. "Sure. Sure she was, little brother. And I'm also Cardinal Dominic in disguise."
For a moment he looked taken aback, blinking several times in rapid succession before he recognized the sarcasm, and gave her a nervous smile that still slipped out on occasion, though like his stutter, less often than it once did. Aura sighed and tapped her foot. "Let me guess, they saw you and that hussy together and immediately decided she was your future bride... or she told them as much, and they thought it was time to 'educate' you, didn't they?"
"Ah... yeah... something like that." Mare admitted with some reluctance... and further foot shuffling. "I-I'm serious though, I didn't say or do anything this time."
"OK, fine, then what's with all the rock skipping?" Aura demanded brusquely. He hesitated, she grabbed his ear and tugged it lightly. "Wellll?!" She insisted, "Spit it out! We were 'supposed' to go out today, and you forgot, the least you can do is explain yourself." She demanded with a rare furrowed brow to match her glare.
"OW! Fine..." He said as he tugged her hand away. "It's just... listen I 'am' getting older, and I know enough to know I need to know something. But... but that isn't how I want to learn it!" His blush deepened.
It was Aura's turn to blush, and where his foot shuffled, hers tapped, the grass bent beneath her and made a low rustling sound like the wind in the bending reeds behind where Mare stood. "Hmmm..." Aura pondered the problem, then stabbed her finger upward as she exclaimed with the smile only worn by those who had solved vexing problems, "OK, you need a Mimidoshi! And I know exactly who to send you to for that!"
"D-Do you?" Mare asked gingerly. "Ah, wait, what's a mimidoshi?"
"A mimidoshi is someone with lots of practical knowledge, but not the hands-on experience. In short, she'll tell you everything you need, but... no touchy feely stuff along the way." Aura put her hands back on her hips and straightened her back proudly, her smile was smug, with one corner turned slightly up, "I should have thought of this years ago... but, hey better late than never, and what 'would' you do without me little brother?" Mare however, had only one question.
"Who?"
"Why easy, Lupusregina Beta! She's just a gate away in Carne, probably training Enri's grandkids about now. Go see her, and I'll tell the servants they can stop trying to 'initiate you' because we've sent you to a professional." Aura said proudly.
It was another thirty years before she understood the funny looks they gave her when she explained to the elves that she'd sent her little brother to a professional for his education.
Mare, however, busied himself enjoying the short walk from the private training grounds of the Emmott-Bareare household, up to the main estate. The grounds were large and open, one of the few estates with no walls, the governor's manor had only the necessary barriers to stop stray arrows from the practice grounds. Other than that, green, open, and somehow homey despite being enormous. With nobody out front practicing, he had time to think, and that time to think, was time to hesitate.
'Is this really a good idea? Wait... no. Yes? Ugh, she's even more bizarre than that demoness that sometimes talks funny... no, no, it's fine. It's fine. Aura wouldn't send me to Lupusregina if she didn't really think she could help.' He thought to himself, and then forced himself to walk the rest of the way to the front door. He started to knock, then hesitated, there were sounds coming from within, a loud banging, "Harder! You have to hit it harder!" A feminine voice exclaimed.
"Come on, you're a man aren't you! Give it all you've got!" The voice carried on and the banging became even more intense.
Mare knocked again, "Hope nobody is in trouble... maybe I should call for some help..."
"Hello... Hello is anyone home?" He asked. The banging stopped dead, and a moment later he was confronted by a panting Lupusregina holding a practice sword over one shoulder, while a panting, bruised up blond young man stood a few feet behind her, holding a practice sword and a practice dagger.
"Oh, sorry, didn't know you were coming by today, here to see the governor for something? I'm afraid he's out right now, but I'd be happy to put some tea on for you, he should be back soon." Her panting vanished as if it had never been, and behind her the young man looked a little crestfallen. Lupusregina caught his reflection in the mirror and turned to look over her shoulder, "You also need to know when a woman is faking it with you, if you're going to get good with that sword of yours. -su" She winked, and he blushed a deep crimson.
Mare looked at her innocently, 'I'm sure I must be missing something here... but... what?' He wondered, and put the matter aside to focus on the question at hand. "I'm actually here for you, I need some help, and Aura said I should talk to you." Mare's face was serious, his lips pressed tight and his toes curled in within his shoes.
Lupusregina looked suddenly very serious, and said over her shoulder, "Take an hour for lunch, then we can practice in house obstacle based combat again afterward."
The young man looked sheepish, "After that pounding I'll have to do that standing up."
"Well, now you know to watch your ass, keep your backside away from swords and it won't hurt in the morning." She laughed uproariously as he walked away blushing, while Mare followed her in innocent silence. 'I 'must' be missing something.' He affirmed in his own mind and filed it away for later.
"Sorry Lord Mare, the young are so hard to teach, especially the males, bull headed lot, fun but... well that one takes after his grandfather, too shy, not bold enough, makes him tough to train. So, what can I help you with?" She asked as she guided him through several large, opulent rooms lined with fantastic paintings and marvelous sculptures, until they were alone in a small private tea room full of books and with a few tables and chairs scattered about.
He sat down opposite her, and when she was focused on the young Guardian, he blurted out, "I need to know something about sex!" Whatever she expected, that wasn't it. Lupusregina didn't reply right away. Mare watched the wheels turn behind her eyes as she processed his request.
"Oh... well you're a guardian and I'm a maid so... if you really want me to be your first time..." She stood up and reached behind her back to untie the bow of her uniform.
"No!" Mare said and began waving his arms frantically again. "Aura sent me to you because you're a mimidoshi, I just want to, you know... 'know stuff!' Not do stuff!" He insisted fervently, and Lupusregina slowly but surely sat down and did her best not to appear mildly offended.
"I... see, well first thing to know is if you turn a girl down like that, you won't get another chance with her... unless you're her boss, but Lord Ainz has rules about that." She said with a bit of a huff to her voice.
"S-Sorry." He said and looked down at his lap, his arms stiffened out and his palms pressed against his knees. "I j-just, well, I'm getting older now and the servants are trying to teach me things hands on and Zesshi is coming around more often and I think she kind of likes me and..."
Lupusregina nodded in slow understanding. "I see, I see... now it all makes sense. I guess all that time hiding outside of, and peeking in through, Enri & Nferia's window, will do me a lot of good." She grinned, then listened, looked around, and her face briefly fell.
"Oh... right." She sighed.
"S-Something wrong?" Mare asked.
Lupusregina shook her head, "No... just sometimes I still expect to hear her shout an embarrassed 'Lupu!"
"OK, yes, I can help you. But you know, just by wanting to know everything beforehand, you're already ahead of the game. You're going to make Lady Bukubukuchagama even more proud than she no doubt would be now if only she could see you." Lupusregina smiled broadly, reached out, and began to pat Mare affectionately on the head.
She tussled it for good measure, "Th-Thank you." He said, and then leaned forward as decades of being both a mimidoshi and a peeping perv, was steadily applied and imparted to the young male Guardian.
...Two hours later...
"And that's where babies come from, and that's what all those things do, and that's how you make sure she wants you to do it again... unless she's a perv of some sort, but those are very different conversations that will get me in trouble with Lady Aura... when she's old enough to know what they are anyway." Lupusregina said as she wrapped up.
Mare tapped his chin thoughtfully, "Huh... s-so there's no holding hands involved in that at all... g-guess big sister was wrong about that."
"Very wrong, there's lots of holding, even restraining, involved, but no, do that or don't, and you're not getting any closer to fatherhood." Lupusregina nodded sharply and folded her hands together on her lap.
"And... people really want to do this?" Mare inquired with a curious tilt of his head.
"Some more than others but... yeah, lots, Enri used to do it a half a dozen times a day with her husband, you know those white potions in the shops, her husband invented those, and the mass production of stamina potions, just so he and his wife could do that a lot more often." She laughed and let her hand come to her chest after a minute to still the humor the memory brought to the forefront of her mind. "It's such a popular activity that an entire field of magical studies is centered around making sure people can do more of it, better and longer."
"I... see. Th-That's a lot to take in. I'll tell the servants they can stop trying to um... teach me, that I came here and learned from an expert." Mare replied as he stood up.
"Fine... but please use the word 'expert' and not 'professional', Lord Mare. Can't have rumors going around about me after all." She grinned teasingly, bringing a blush to his face once again as she tried and failed to resist the urge to pat his head again.
He scrunched his shoulders up a bit the way he had when he was small, blushed, and tightly shut his eyes at the affectionate gesture, returning to his common posture when she was done.
"I... I think I'll be locking myself in my room for awhile." Mare replied, desperately wishing he was unable to blush.
"I think that's a good idea." Lupusregina replied sweetly, then patted his head gently a few more times with gentle affection as she stood up, snatched her practice sword from off the couch beside her, and headed for the door as the gate opened behind her.
"Hey, Auralius! Get back here, we've got another hour of practice to go!" She shouted through the manor.
Mare heard the sound of heavy feet running in their direction, as he went through the gate and back to Nazarick.
"Well, that took forever." Aura said bluntly, "The servants have been giving me weird looks ever since I said I was sending my little brother to a professional to learn about the grown up stuff they were trying to teach you, but every time I ask them why they're looking at me funny, they clam up and say it's nothing. Did you learn anything that might explain that?" Aura glared at Mare suspiciously.
"Ah... n-no, n-none at all. Ex-excuse me big sister, I think I need to lie down for a little." Mare answered nervously and headed straight for the tree.
Aura scratched her head, "Hmmm... wonder what that was all about."
She looked over her shoulder at the three female elf servants, "Would you three happen to know why he's reacting that way?"
"No, not at all Lady Aura." They responded with uniform humility as they bowed their heads.
Aura sighed... "Boys... they don't make any sense." She muttered, and went off to take a swim in the lake.
AN: Just a fun little one shot where I tried my hand at comedy, a discord visitor pointed out that there was no fanfic in which Lupusregina headpats Mare, so... I wrote this in about 30 minutes or so. Hope you got a laugh out of it. :)