Lara Jean is nervous. She usually is about these things anyway, but this time she has a plan. So far she's been very keen on not planning the physical aspects of their relationship because that leaves time to worry and overthink, and also puts on unnecessary pressure that things will happen and it just- it sounds like too much. She can't imagine them talking plans like "tomorrow, two o'clock, I'm gonna let you take off my bra". It's a nightmare scenario and she'd much rather it be spontaneous. She knows herself and she knows that she won't go anywhere she doesn't really want to, so it's better to let things take their own course and stop midway if she's not comfortable. It's still awkward, but less so.
For this, however, she has a plan, and not because she thought she needed one, but because she can't stop thinking about it and her brain works out the details on its own.
Chris had given her many pep-talks throughout her relationship with Peter about knowing herself before letting anyone (him) in, which Lara Jean agrees makes a lot of sense and has been working on for a while. She lets Peter explore and get to know her bit by bit as the time passes, but she's ahead of him with her own exploration. Also, she tries not to think about it, but he doesn't necessarily need as much knowledge on this as she does.
And that's exactly what Chris gets her thinking one day, unintentionally and with a thrown out comment mid conversation. How much does she know Peter's body? Sex, as she's learning with each step they take towards it, is a complexion of things, and Peter's slow discoveries and exploration of her body is for sure helping them get ready for it - helping her get ready for it. It will definitely make the whole experience better when they get to it, not to mention how incredible it makes the road there.
But how much does Lara Jean know about his body? He's always so confident, obviously, and he knows what he's doing, so he's usually the one exploring, travelling his hands and lips where she allows - or sometimes even asks for -, discovering what she likes and doesn't, what's an always, a sometimes or a never.
She's rarely the one doing that. She never really lets her hands roam to places she's not already familiar with, and even if sometimes she thinks about it, she ends up distracted by him taking the upper hand. She loves it and obviously he does too, but she wonders if it wouldn't be good for both of them to switch places for once - or more often than that, depending on how it goes.
So she starts thinking about the books she's read, the movies she's seen, the dreams she's had. She thinks about what he does when they're together, she thinks about everything she likes about him, she thinks about how light headed she gets when they're making out.
And she thinks about how next thursday her dad will be working all day, how Trina will still be visiting her parents and how Kitty will be out for part of the afternoon due to a group project. With lacrosse practice they'd make it home half an hour or so before Kitty is supposed to be picked up by Lara Jean, but if she can convince Peter to skip…
She knows lacrosse is important to him - and it is to her, too, because she's a supportive and proud girlfriend and she knows that a lacrosse scholarship is really likely and she wants that for him so bad, because he deserves it.
But she simply cannot stop thinking about it and she can never get in the proper headspace when they're on their usual alone time because it's always rushed or almost supervised or something, and she needs the total opposite of that, because she knows she'll be nervous and that she'll want to savor it. She needs time and privacy.
They're on her couch on wednesday evening watching a movie, her back pressed against his chest as he rests his head on hers, their hands intertwined. Usually she loves the intimacy of moments like this, this closeness, but today she can't stop thinking about how it's already wednesday and she hasn't asked because she doesn't know if she should, but that she really wants to because she's hyper aware of every inch of her body that is touching his.
"Peter?" she mutters quietly as she turns to him slightly. She doesn't want to catch her dad's attention in the kitchen or wake up Kitty who has fallen asleep in the weirdest of angles in the other couch.
"Hm?" He seems to figure out that she wants this to be private and looks at her questiongly.
"Do you think you could skip practice tomorrow?" her voice is but a whisper and while part of it is to make sure they aren't overheard, she knows it's also because she's nervous. She doesn't want to outright tell him now what she wants to do, but she'll have to give him some explanation. She feels a bit embarrassed about it and also bad for impacting on his training.
His eyebrows shoot up in surprise and it takes him a while to reply. "Uh… I mean, probably. But why? Everything ok?"
She nods slightly and bites her bottom lip, eyes darting away from his. "Yeah, I promise. I just-" I just want to explore your body, she thinks, but she obviously can't say that.
"You just?" he prompts when she goes silent.
She sighs. She doesn't know how to say it. "Nevermind-"
"Hey, hey, no." He pulls her face back so they can lock eyes again. "It's ok, you don't have to tell me. Whatever it is, does it need to be tomorrow?"
She half shrugs. "Kinda? I mean, we can probably get a chance later, I don't know when, but-"
He pecks her lips lightly. "I'll skip practice. I'll offer to make it up on friday with double time, is that ok?"
She nods because she's afraid to say too much and he just kisses her forehead and goes back to the TV.
The following day he meets her in front of her locker and by the lift of his eyebrows he can tell that she's off. He doesn't comment, though, gives her a quick peck and tells her that he's already talked to the coach and he'll make up for the practice tomorrow as he had suggested. His arm finds his way over her shoulders as he's speaking, an automatic movement at this point, and she clings to his hand with both of hers, a bit more fiercely than necessary. He squeezes her fingers and gives her a look, but doesn't say anything as they walk towards his car.
It's just when they're inside and he's already driving that he approaches, knowing that whatever it is she'd rather they don't talk in public.
"Covey, seriously, are you ok?"
She lets out a huge breath but still smiles despite everything, an honest, happy smile that she can see soothes him. "I am, seriously."
He nods and turns on the radio and they drive in silence only listening to the music. It doesn't take long for them to arrive at her place.
"Uh, where's everyone?" he asks as soon as they're inside removing their shoes and Lara Jean gives herself one final second to take a deep breath and get into action. She turns to him and catches his hands with hers, and with that she doesn't even need to coax his eyes to look into hers because they're already seeking them.
"Dad's working, Kitty is working on a group project and Trina is not due back until tomorrow."
He nods but still looks confused. "Ok..."
"Come on," she says in a low voice, almost as if she's afraid someone will hear even though they are completely alone and will be for the next few hours. She's pulling him towards the stairs, walking backwards herself, and it's only when her feet hit the first step that it seems to dawn on him.
"Oh. Hm. I-"
She leans forward and kisses him lightly, just a quick lip encounter. "It's not - It's not sex. Not entirely, at least." She's nervous and she doesn't want it to show, but it probably does because he can read her like an open book. "Let's go up, please?"
He nods and she turns around to the stairs, one hand still holding his, and they go up in silence and quiet steps, almost as if they're sneaking around.
In her room she closes the door because it feels safer, somehow, and with her hand still on his she leads him to the bed and makes him sit on the edge of it.
She finally lets go of his hand and he nervously moves both hands around for a second, not knowing what to do with them, until he ends up clasping both on his lap. He's looking at her intently, almost curiously, and she uses her free hands to tug her hair behind both ears. She thinks her hands are shaking a bit and she worries that Peter will read that as unsureness, because it isn't. It's anticipation, almost. She feels bold here with him, about to do what she planned, and she feels excited about feeling bold, and she feels proud about feeling excited and bold. It's a whole whirlwind[ of emotions and she feels so alive with them.
"Ok. So. Here's the thing."
She planned the whole thing but she could not for the life of her plan what she was going to say. Now she can't find the words.
"... yes?" he asks, clearly getting a bit more nervous as the seconds tick by, but his shoulders visibly relax when she gives him a shy smile.
"I don't think there's any unembarrassing way to say this so I'm gonna go ahead." She takes another deep breath but that's it, no more stalling. "You've been super patient and wonderful with me and you've made me feel so comfortable in my body and in how you know it. And I love that, I love that so much and I am so happy. But I feel that it's been really easy for me to let you take the reins in this and now I- I want to flip it. You know all of me, or, well, most of it, and I want to know all of you, too. If you're ok with that."
His eyebrows shoot up as if that's not what he's expecting at all and instead of the cheeky grin or the teasing smirk that she is expecting, he gives her a small shy smile.
"Yeah, of course I'm ok with that. What exactly are you thinking?" He almost seems nervous and for some reason that just shoots confidence through Lara Jean's body. She puts her hands on his shoulders and holds his gaze firmly.
"I'm thinking along the lines of… you lie down and let me do some exploring of my own and doesn't stop me unless I do something you don't like? A carte blanche, if you will?"
His smile slowly shifts into something more open, although he keeps it small and light. There's a small breath of air that leaves his nose before he replies and it sends a thrill through her spine. "I can do that, yeah."
He moves his hands to her hips and she lets him because it helps her get closer. But from now on she's the one taking charge.
She kisses his lips then, her mouth moving slowly and without much pressure, just a baby step into whatever it is they're embarking on. She doesn't know where she's going with this, she just knows that he trusts her and he wants her, and she trusts and wants him right back. She feels a confidence that doesn't come often and she hopes that will guide her.
Peter kisses her back with the same intensity, doesn't pull away or press further, his hands still where they hold her waist. He's got it, already. This is about her and whatever she decides to do. He's just following whatever step she takes.
She moves forward and he spreads his knees a bit so she can fit between them. Her hands move to his hair and she deepens the kiss, sighing against his lips as he does the same. He circles her waist because it's easier with the proximity, but doesn't try anything else. He seems content to just sit there and let her kiss him and that alone is such a small thing but it makes her stomach flare up a bit.
It doesn't take long for things to escalate in the route they already know - strong lips, tongue, Lara Jean on Peter's lap with a knee on each side of him. He's out of breath and so is she, but she doesn't stop. Eventually she goes for the hem of his shirt and tugs it upwards, and instead of removing it himself as he always does, he merely backs away from her and puts his arms up so she can take it off. She's handling the cards today and the fact that he understands that so completely, that he knows that even a thing that they do quite often should be affected, it only leaves her more certain that this was the right call.
She's seen him shirtless multiple times, be it in their alone time or in situations such as a pool party or after a particularly hard game when he's sweating everywhere. But right now it's different, so she pulls her torso back a little, knows that he will hold her steady (and he does), and runs her fingers through his chest. She starts slowly, just roaming at every inch of skin, changing from fingertips to full open palms. It's a really nice chest.
He's still breathing heavily beneath her, but doesn't say or do anything. It's just the rise and fall underneath her hand and the fast beating of his heart when she skims where his heart is located. Eventually, though, she moves her hands to the side of his waist and scratches a bit with her nail. He groans a little and sneaking a glance at his face she sees him clench his teeth. She does it a few more times in many patches of skin, revels in the sounds he makes, and then she ends up where she'd always wondered about.
She flicks one of his nipples, just very lightly to thread the waters, and he hisses and shuts his eyes closed. It's a wonder to her, really, so she does it again, a bit more forceful this time and in both nipples at the same time.
"Lara Jean..." it's maybe a whisper, maybe hiss, she doesn't know. But it sounds pleasant and she wants to drown in it.
She leans forward and kisses him again, a lot less shy this time. Her hands continue to roam and he clenches and unclenches his fist a few times where they still hold her, clearly holding back from doing the exact same. He seems desperate to touch her, already, and that might be the most confident she's ever felt.
It's funny how touching him gets her as sure of herself as having him drink her up.
She presses her hands on his chest and pushes him down, indicating that he should lay down.
"Can I carry you over so we're in the middle of the bed?" he asks before doing so and she's thrilled by it.
She nods and with one hand on her ass and another on the mattress he scootches back so that his legs are no longer dangling from the edge of the bed. He then lays down, as she wanted, and immediately moves his hands back to her thighs where he can comfortably reach, but does nothing else.
She lowers onto him and kisses him again, but very briefly because she has more poignant tasks in mind now. Her lips slowly move down to his jaw, then his neck, light kisses and the glide of her tongue, only. She goes back up to his ear then down again, sucks a bit as she explores but not enough to leave a mark. He's breathing terribly fast beneath her and she can feel his heartbeat on her lips. It's intoxicating.
She moves down, then, because she's quite accustomed to his neck and surrounding areas by now. The chest is where she wants to dive in, because even though he's constantly shirtless when they make out, his lips are usually on her skin. Which is the entire point of today.
She goes as slow as she can, her brain yelling at her hormones to calm down and enjoy. She mainly kisses as she descends, makes an effort to skip his nipples because given his reaction to her hands she definitely wants to see what he does when she sucks on them and she wants to save that for later. She goes over his chest though and right beside his left nipple, where she feels his heart beating stronger, she can't help herself but give it a bite, sucking into it soon after. She didn't necessarily mean to give him a mark but - well, maybe she did.
"God, Covey," he murmurs above her and for the first time she smiles against his skin. She's so pleased with herself that what she's doing is good, that he's enjoying it.
She thinks that that's the difference between hooking up with someone you like and hooking up just because you want to. Caring about what he feels is exciting and getting positive responses is as good as being on the receiving end of the deal.
She continues down, kisses and sucks all through his abs as she reminds herself over and over again to not rush this. The pit of her stomach has that familiar fire and it grows with every second, but now's not the time to be distracted by it.
She goes as low as his bellybutton. She wants to go further and she will, but before she'll go back up to his chest and his face and his arms. Much like she's wet he is also clearly affected by their session, she's not touching it but it's impossible to ignore the bulge in his pants.
It doesn't bother her, but that needs to be the last thing she focuses on, both for her confidence and for his - well, arousal.
She goes back up and good on her self-promise, she sucks on his nipples. He hisses again and his hands slightly squeeze her thighs before he stops as if remembering that he shouldn't. She laughs a little and looks up at him, giving a little nod. He then presses his hands tighter on her flesh and, yeah, her brain is having a hard time controlling her hormones.
She's a little out of breath but she's not nearly done with this, so to take a little breather she goes up and gives him slow kisses all around his face and then down on his arms, pulls his arms from where they rest on her body and presses kisses on his wrists.
She almost feels silly breaking the heavy atmosphere they had for this, but as he gives her an adoring look, she melts entirely and knows that this is fine. There's no right or wrong in this, there's just what makes them both feel good, and right now she knows they're both enjoying it.
She moves back up on his arm and as he rests it on her again, she goes for a kiss. She's more demanding now, head clearer to her goals, and he obliges instantly, one of his hands moving to her neck to press her head down, and it feels so good that she lets him.
In the middle of the kiss she decides it's the perfect time and fully settles onto his lap. She lines herself perfectly with his bulge and the moan that escapes her is only hidden by his, even louder.
"Lara Jean-"
"Shh." She continues to kiss him, doesn't let him speak. He can probably tell what she intends to do but she will not be stopped. She's sure and she will show him. She might not be good at it, but she is going to try.
She kisses back down on his chest, this time on a straight line as she has a goal in mind, only deviating to quickly kiss the small hickey she gave him earlier. She moves her legs a bit and with her hands she opens the button and zipper, and then pushes his jeans down. She's efficient with her movements and he doesn't stop her nor asks anything.
He kicks the pants off once they're on his ankle and Lara Jean sits up on him. The bulge is even more noticeable now that the only restraining material is from his boxers and she's pretty sure she blushes but she won't shy away now.
He touches her face then and she finally looks back at him. His eyes are impossibly dilated but they are so open.
"You wanna go on?" he asks because it's Peter, of course he's gonna ask, and even though she really wanted to have managed to show it with her actions, she loves that he wants to be sure, that he knows that asking it is more important than keeping up with the carte blanche agreement.
She nods though, bottom lip beneath her teeth. "I do." She puts her hands on the edge of his boxers and blinks at him. "Can I?"
He lets out a little laugh as if he's saying duh, but nods in response nonetheless. She pushes it down and much like with the pants he kicks them off once they're below his knees.
Lara Jean isn't looking this time though, because she can't seem to look away from his dick. She feels less weird and nervous than she thought she would. She's surprised by the hardness - she knows it's supposed to be hard but she's not sure what she was expecting in regards to that, pointing straight up.
Still, she feels fine. She's definitely blushing, but it's a lot less scary than she thought it would be - or, better, she feels less scared than she thought she'd be.
When she looks back at his face she's surprised to see he's blushing too - more than her, even. That makes her smile which then makes him smile and just like they both feel calmer.
She's fully clothed and that's suddenly very noticeable now he's completely naked, but she's come this far on the being in control thing and she won't back down.
With one hand on his stomach she pushes a bit and getting her intentions immediately, he pushes himself even further up the mattress. Lara Jean then trades positions with him, moving one knee in between his legs and he gets the clue opening his so she can settle. She knows it's not supposed to be like this, but he says nothing and she feels more comfortable this way, so she doesn't overthink it.
She starts by spreading her hands on his thighs and squeezing all around it. For some reason in every book or movie that even slightly references sex, they cover all parts of a woman's body but never the man's, and she's always wondered why. Technically speaking it's not really possible that their bodies are so different that men would only feel pleasure in one place and women would feel it everywhere.
His legs are less defined than his chest but they are still muscly and clearly show constant exercise. She finds them beautiful. She doesn't think she would ever be able to explain but the way they contract whenever she squeezes them is sexy.
She keeps moving her hands, focuses on that first, then she goes to the sides of his hip. His ass is obviously out of reach as it's on the mattress but she squeezes the sides as much as she can and that makes him laugh.
"Do you want me to turn around, Covey?" he asks jokingly.
And, truth be told, she does think his ass would look incredible by what she's seen behind clothes, but she's pleased with the way he's laying currently. She shakes her head.
She takes a deep breath and lets her nerves get the best of her for a brief second. She repositions as close to him as she can and bites the inside of her cheek, looks for his gaze.
"If I do anything wrong, tell me, ok?"
He takes a deep breath like he gets what's coming and simply nods in agreement. His hands fist into her sheets at his sides before she even moves.
Slowly, she touches him. One hand first, just feeling the texture, the size. He grips his hold on the sheet and sucks in a breath. She's not trying to do anything yet, she just wants to touch it, to feel it. To get used to it.
She squeezes it a bit, very lightly, just curious about how it'll feel both for her and him. He releases the breath he'd sucked in and when she looks up his eyes are shut so strongly she thinks he'll soon be seeing shapes in his eyelids.
She moves her other hand now and holds his dick with both, one on top of the other. With the thumb of the hand on top she swipes at the tip and he moans so loudly she's worried it wasn't out of pleasure.
One look at his face and that's discarded, though. His expression holds desperation but also pure bliss. She has to bite off a smile at that.
Peter is naked in her bed and she has her bare hands on him. And he's enjoying it. She knows she'll think of that for a really long time.
"Uh… how do I…?
He opens one eye only and gulps as if his mouth is dry.
"Just… uh..." it's clear he's having a hard time concentrating and that alone would be enough to turn her on, if she wasn't terribly turned on already. "Just up and down?" he poses it as a question rather than an answer and she can't help but chuckle a bit.
She tries it, then, with her right hand. It's hard in the beginning, the movements aren't smooth and she finds it hard to keep it going or find a rhythm. He moves his hand on top of hers and slowly demonstrates it. It still isn't perfect, she knows it, but he's panting beneath her and she tries not to worry. It's the very first time she's doing this. She can't be a pro. It's gonna get better.
Eventually he releases her hand and lets her continue, and she sees him putting the hand that he was using above his eyes, his lips partially open as he tries not to moan too loud.
She feels bolder than ever seeing that, his eyes shut and covered by the back of his hand, his lips parted as he breathes and moans and groans because of her.
She lowers herself and moves her hand to the base as she puts her mouth on the tip.
"Fuck!" he exclaims and with the hand that's still on the sheet he grips it so hard it detaches from the side of the bed.
She tries going a bit further, not too much because she isn't really sure of how exactly, but she sucks a bit and then licks at the lip, remembering his reaction when she used her finger there.
All of his muscles are flexing as he voices his pleasure and Lara Jean has literally never seen anything sexier in her life.
She uses her mouth a few more times, but it's sort of an uncomfortable position and she goes back to using her hand, stroking as rhythmically as she can. She's obsessed with how this feels, both physically and otherwise - she's in charge and she's making him feel good and this all feels so much better than she ever anticipated it would. She loves the noises he's making, the way his body moves involuntarily, everything about it.
It doesn't take long for his breathing to become ragged and then his hand is out of his eyes and holding onto her wrist.
"Lara Jean."
She knows what he's trying to say, but she continues. She wants to do this, she's come this far and she won't be happy if she doesn't see it to completion.
He comes a few seconds later, her name mixed with a moan as it leaves his lips, and her hand gets coated.
He's breathing heavily and disoriented in front of her and it takes her a second to properly compute that this actually happened. She's so thrilled she might as well be shaking.
It takes a while, but eventually he's back to reality. "Uh, we should clean up."
She nods and moves to the bathroom to wash her hands, then brings back a box of tissues. She's quiet as she does so and Peter's eyebrows furrow in worry as he cleans himself and puts his boxer back on.
"Covey? You ok? Sorry if-"
She cuts him off with a kiss and he holds her face and she sits down besides him.
"Thank you," she says and he looks more confused than he's been all day.
"Pretty sure the thankful one in this room right now is me, but you're welcome."
She laughs and kisses him again and he caresses her face when they part. His eyes look so soft.
God, she's so in love with him.
"I really wanted to do that. I mean, not that specifically-" she points down and it feels weird but she owns it. "Just, getting to touch you and know you. I honestly feel so great right now."
He smiles that wide grin that more than one person have said he only does for her and it's like fifty butterflies are fluttering in her stomach. "I'm really glad." He sighs deeply. "That was amazing, Lara Jean. Honestly, you're… there really is no one like you."
She kisses him again because her heart is so warm right now it feels like it could burst.
She looks at the clock and they still have time before she's supposed to go pick Kitty up, so she leans closer to him. The high of the events has decreased but her arousal hasn't completely subsided.
"I'm… hm..."
He understands it immediately and smirks teasingly for the first time today, as that's a known territory already, and swiftly holds her waist and turns them around, laying her down on the bed.
"My carte blanche now?"
She laughs and threads his fingers through his hair. "Just kiss me, Kavinsky."
He does as he's told and just before he furthers his ministrations, he whispers to her lips.
"If these are the things you plan when you want me to skip practice, please know I'd consider quitting lacrosse altogether."
She wants to reprimand him but there's no time as his lips find hers again.
It's ok. Everything else can wait.
She kisses him back.