While we're all social distancing I found my old fanfiction notebook. I haven't written anything new since 2014, but I started this one last fall and then some things came up and I never finished it. I had some notes on the side so I sorta remember where I was going with it. I wanted to give it some closure, but I don't think I did it as well as I would have months ago. (Although, at that point I was debating between a happy ending and a very different one so hopefully you'll like what I chose) Still, I hope you enjoy!
She woke up with a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was tempted to blame it on morning sickness, but she'd had a fairly symptom-free pregnancy so far so she suspected that wasn't the cause. She knew there was a reason she was dreading the day - she didn't even have to check the date on her phone; she had been thinking about it since the night before. It had been exactly seven years since she gave birth to her son. It was Christopher's birthday, and also his death date. She thought of him most days, but on this date he was never far from her mind. This year was different because it was the first time she was pregnant again. She was looking forward to the distraction that work would provide her. She quickly got ready and hopped into the car. She didn't know if her sisters knew the significance of today's date, but if they did she hoped they wouldn't mention it because she'd prefer not to talk about it.
On the ride to the hospital they always see an electronic sign for an amusement park off the side of the highway. It's usually displaying a happy birthday message for a child having their party there that day or a seasonal message such as Happy Father's Day or God Bless America. Some days Amelia read the sign and other days she didn't pay attention. Today it caught her eye. The sign said, "Happy Birthday Christopher!" She inhaled sharply, prompting Maggie to ask if she was okay.
"Yeah," she mumbled, barely audibly.
Thinking she had imagined what the sign said, Amelia squeezed her eyes closed for a second and reopened them. The message was the same. She watched as it changed to say "Park open weekends!" It was definitely real. She allowed herself, for just one minute, to imagine her Christopher at seven years old. She could picture him with dark hair and blue eyes, riding his first rollercoaster or asking if he could get some popcorn. She sighed and remained silent for the rest of the ride.
Her morning was unremarkable. She clipped an aneurysm, which was fairly routine. At lunchtime she decided to walk to the deli nearby to clear her head and eat something other than cafeteria food. As she walked she felt her phone vibrate and Addison's name appeared on the screen. Even though she hadn't spoken to her former sister-in-law in a few weeks she wasn't surprised by this call – Addison calls every year on this date to check in on her.
"Hello."
"Hey, Amelia," she replied, care evident in her voice, "How are you doing?"
"I'm okay."
"Really?" she asked. "Really okay or 'I'm fine until I'm not' okay?"
"I'm in a good place with my career and my sobriety and I may be a little bit in love with Link…" She started smiling.
"That's great!" Addison smiled. "I have to admit I didn't see that Link thing coming."
"Well, to be honest, I kinda didn't either…" she trailed off.
"But?"
"But then I found out I'm pregnant with his baby. Of course, after last time, I didn't want to got through with it, but then he said these things…all these perfect things…and I changed my mind."
"Oh my God! Amelia! I'm so happy for you! Wait, you're happy, right? And why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm…scared, definitely, but I am happy. I was going to tell you. I'm still just getting used to the idea."
"I totally understand. Have you had an ultrasound? Maybe that will give you peace of mind."
"Uh…not yet. I've been busy. I'll get to it."
"You know the odds of anencephaly happening again are almost zero. I know it's scary, but it's important to get prenatal care. I know you know that." Addison sounded concerned.
"I know. I just…I can't go through that again. I won't survive it."
"You're not going to go through it again. Everything will be okay. Do you want me to hop on a plane tonight to give you an ultrasound tomorrow so I can be there with you?"
Amelia almost laughed. She appreciated how much her former sister-in-law cared. Part of her would like Addison to be there. The other part of her couldn't get the image of her first ultrasound out of her mind. She could still visualize Addison's face the moment she knew something was wrong. "No, no, you stay and I'll call you if I need you. Thank you though."
"Alright. Promise you'll call after the ultrasound?"
"I will."
After they hung up, Amelia arrived at the deli and placed her order, but only took a few bites before wrapping the rest up to take home. She couldn't think about eating when the anxiety was gnawing at her.
As luck would have it, the first person she saw upon reentering the hospital was Link. She quickly looked away and walked in the opposite direction. She didn't want to talk to him until she was ready to tell him her decision, and she didn't want to tell him she would keep the baby until she'd had an ultrasound to make sure everything was normal. Unfortunately for her, he saw her and called out her name. She winced and stopped walking to turn to him.
"Hey, Link, what's up?"
"Can we talk for a minute?"
"I haven't made a decision yet. I'll tell you as soon as I do, and I won't keep you waiting long."
"This isn't about our baby. It's just something I thought you'd like to see."
Her pager beeped. "I've gotta go. I'll find you later!" She hurried down to the ER.
"DeLuca, what do we have?"
"Incoming trauma. Multiple children injured in an amusement park accident. Bed 3 needs a neuro consult."
"I'm on it!"
She pulled back the curtain and looked at the young boy with strawberry blonde hair and green eyes lying on the bed. "Hi, I'm Dr. Shepherd. Can you tell me what's going on?"
His mom spoke first, "The rollercoaster at the theme park stopped working. His car was about to unload, and the car behind it somehow lost its connection to the track and came barreling down the last drop right into his car. I know he got bounced around pretty good, but I'm hoping it's nothing more than that."
Amelia shone her light in both of his eyes. "Any symptoms…" she glanced at the chart for his name and froze for a second when she read it, but regained composure quickly, "Christopher?"
"My head hurts a little and my neck."
"Okay." She looked at his mother. "Any loss of consciousness, balance issues, or vomiting?"
"No vomiting and I don't think he was unconscious. It was hard to see him because the track is up high. They took him straight from the ride to the stretcher so I don't know about balance issues."
"We're gonna get him a head CT to see what's going on. It's probably a concussion, but in some cases rollercoasters can cause subdural hematomas so we just want to rule that out and make sure everything looks good."
"What is that? Is it bad? One minute we were celebrating his birthday and the next we're in an ambulance and now he's getting tests!" She was starting to panic.
"A subdural hematoma is a brain bleed, which we would be able to fix. Try not to worry. I know that's easier said than done when it comes to your children, but let's wait and see what the CT says."
"Okay."
She called an intern over to wheel Christopher up to CT. Once they were gone she rested her head in her hand and exhaled deeply. She remembered how earlier that morning she felt irrationally jealous of Christopher's mother, though she didn't know either of them, because this woman got to celebrate her son's seventh birthday that day and Amelia didn't. 'Even when you give birth to a perfectly healthy baby, you never know can happen afterwards.' This made her feel both anxious and relieved simultaneously, but it gave her enough clarity that she knew what she wanted to do about her baby.
She heard a voice calling her, "Dr. Shepherd, we need you - bed 1!"
"On my way!"
She paged Link to meet her in the plant room in a half hour. That gave her enough time to deliver the good news to Christopher and his mother that he just had a mild concussion.
"Just keep a close eye on him for the next 24 hours, even while he's sleeping check in on him every two hours. If any symptoms start or you notice he's not acting like himself, call us or bring him back." She turned to look at Christopher. "Otherwise, just take it easy for a few days and enjoy the rest of your birthday! I'm sure a hospital isn't where you wanted to spend it!"
"Thank you so much, doctor," his mother replied and then turned to her son. "Chris, say thank you."
"Thank you," he said, as instructed.
"You're welcome." Amelia smiled and headed toward the plant room.
Link was already sitting there when she arrived.
"Hey," she started, unsure of exactly what she wanted to say.
"Hey," he replied, "you wanna go first?"
"Sure, I guess." She took a deep breath. "Well, I made a decision about the baby."
She bit her lip and he nodded, urging her to go on.
"I'm going to have this baby. I didn't want to tell you until I had an ultrasound to make sure nothing was wrong, but I think I want you to come with me," she said, her voice rising as if she were asking a question. "If you want to, I mean," she quickly added.
"Of course!" He smiled. "I'm gonna be a father! And we get to see our baby. I wouldn't miss it for anything."
Later that afternoon, Amelia asked Carina to give her an ultrasound. She lay down on the table, Link standing right next to it and holding her hand.
"Okay," Carina said, "this may feel a little cold. You know the drill."
Amelia just nodded and held her breath as she studied Carina's face, looking for a clue as to whether everything was normal.
She exhaled as soon as she heard her say, "Everything looks good. Based on the measurements and your last period, I'd say you're about 9 weeks along."
She turned the screen so they could see the fetus and asked if they wanted to hear the heartbeat. Amelia nodded again, still not trusting her voice. When they heard the heart beating, she and Link looked at each other with huge smiles. Carina left them alone for a few minutes so Amelia could clean up and get dressed. She found herself wiping away tears and Link asked if she was okay.
"Yes. It's just a mix relief and happiness and hormones. I guess I have to get used to that part!"
"That was pretty amazing to hear our baby's heartbeat and see him or her on screen. It's one thing to see an ultrasound as a doctor, but it's different when you helped create that little fetus," Link agreed.
They decided to grab dinner to celebrate.
"Everything okay? You've been kinda quiet," Link stated.
"I just…this baby doesn't "replace" Christopher. I mean, I've had time to grieve him, but I'll never forget him and logically I know I never will, but there's a part of me that's afraid I will."
He cleared his throat. "I know that." He grabbed her hand across the table and squeezed it before letting go and reaching into his bag. "Remember I said I had something to show you earlier?"
She nodded.
He handed her a few pieces of paper. She creased her eyebrows in confusion as she took it from him and then started to read, "Lungs – female age 1 – Chicago. Corneas – male age 2 – Detroit." She looked up at him and then back down at the page.
He started to speak as she looked read the paper, "I thought what you did with Christopher's organs was amazing and you're so strong to have gone through all that. I wanted you to have a tangible reminder of it. So, this is a list of all the people you helped – he helped – with his organs."
"Wha – how did you even get this? They asked me if I wanted to know, but I was so tired from giving birth and so out of it from letting him go and I just didn't have the strength."
"I pulled a few strings at the hospital."
"Thank you for this, Link."
"One day you'll be able to tell our son or daughter how amazing their older brother was and I'll be able to tell them how amazing their mom is."
She smiled with misty eyes. "So, you and I, you want us to try to have a real relationship?"
"That's what I want. How do you feel about it?"
"I'm all in."