It doesn't feel like 4 months. It feels like as if it was only yesterday that I lost you. But, it hasn't. It wasn't yesterday that I saw you lying on that trolley, cold to the touch. A tube sticking out of your mouth, a tube that was meant to help you breath. It wasn't yesterday that I heard the silence of Resus and saw the blank screens of the monitors that were supposed to be recording your heartbeat. It has been 4 months since I saw the faces of our friends. Expressions that made my blood run cold. 4 months since your life was cut short. Since you took a knife that was meant to be for me. 4 months ago since I lost my big brother. A lot has happened since then, but no a day goes by when I don't think about you or miss you.
It's silly that the things you used to annoy me with, like when you used to call me 'Nibbles', are the things I miss the most about you.
I don't know if you know this, I mean why would you? Perhaps you've him up where you are. Then again, I don't think he would go up to Heaven, not after what he's done to you. Anyway I digress.
All I want to say is Scott Ellison's dead. He's dead like you, but I don't know how to fell about that. I mean apart of me is glad he's dead. Glad he's no longer around. Yet, it's not right. He didn't pay for what he did. I guess in a way, he did but, that's not what I wanted. I wanted justice. I wanted him to go to court and get a life sentence.
I'm supposed to be a doctor. It's my job to help people. I took an oath to help people get better. I know you must be saying there was nothing to be done, I did all I could to save him. But, that's not true. I didn't save him. Scott's dead because of me. I let him die. I left him to choke to death. I wanted revenge. I did exactly what he did to you. I turned my back on him and didn't look back. How am I any different to him? I swore to him I wasn't anything like him. But, am I?
Please, Cal, tell me! Tell me! Who am I? Am I like him? Huh, am I? I don't know anymore.