A/N: Marianne is coded as FTM transgender in this story but has not yet come to terms with "her" identity. This is just the beginning of the questioning process. I have plans to write more FTM!Mari fics in the future that can branch off from this if all goes well!
Everyone at the Garreg Mach Officers Academy was in unusually high spirits after the Battle of the Eagle and Lion. The new professor had successfully led the Blue Lions to a victory against the Black Eagles and Golden Deer, and each of the houses had come together at the end of the month to enjoy a feast and break down the barriers between them. With the Red Wolf Moon just on the horizon, many of the students appeared eager to take on the next great challenge that Lady Rhea assigned them. But for one particular student, the next month brought nothing but dread.
Despite having resided at Garreg Mach for several months, now, Marianne still had yet to find her place among the other students in the academy. Although the rest of her housemates of the Golden Deer had been nothing but kind to her, she wasn't quite used to the everyday rowdiness of the ragtag bunch. It didn't help that their house leader, Claude von Riegan, was often the one to instigate trouble, usually making roundabout comments to set off the more hot-headed members of their house. Usually, when the noise and banter would become too much to bear, Marianne would excuse herself to find solace in the horses at the stables. But today was cold and rainy, and the students had been instructed to remain indoors.
Marianne sat hidden among the large windows of the reception hall, her head resting gently against the glass as she watched the rain fall steadily throughout the courtyard. Classes had already ended for the day, and many of the students had headed to the dining hall for supper. The reception hall was unusually quiet, the only students or knights around seeming to ignore her as she allowed her mind to wander. In just a few weeks, she would turn eighteen, and she would officially become eligible for marriage.
It was absolutely the last subject she wanted on her mind. But rarely a day passed that Marianne hadn't been forced to think about her future, especially with the added pressure of her adoptive father to marry her into a well-respected noble house to boost their family's position in the Alliance. Her adoptive father cared for her deeply, and had hoped that sending her to the Officers Academy would improve her social skills enough for her to bond with someone of her own accord. He had been nothing but reasonable toward her since the day he'd taken her in almost four years ago, but the idea of marriage, of bonding with anyone at all, really, absolutely terrified her.
There were few people at Garreg Mach that Marianne could say she truly got along with. While her housemates treated her well, most of them seemed much more preoccupied with their own goals than to pay her much attention, and those who did only seemed to become frustrated with her clumsy and stand-offish nature. She had decided early on that staying out of everyone else's way would provide them much more convenience, but even then, she still had to worry about her adoptive father, about becoming nothing more than a family nuisance.
In truth, Marianne didn't think herself fit to become a bride. She didn't think herself fit to become anything of worth, really. Even from birth, Marianne had proven to be nothing but a burden. Born into a family with the accursed Crest of the Beast, Marianne had lived much of her childhood in solitude, afraid that if she ever allowed herself to become close to someone, her blood would only cause them misfortune. Her Crest had been the cause of her biological parents' disappearance, or at least she had resigned herself to believe, and there were times Marianne wondered if the real reason her adoptive father had sent her to Garreg Mach was to keep her from affecting anyone else in the Alliance.
But with her birthday in near sight, Marianne had no choice but to start thinking about breaking out of her shell. If she didn't do it for her own sake, she at least had to try for her adoptive father. Whether or not she believed her existence to be just another burden to him, she couldn't deny his generosity, especially when he'd gone through such severe financial lengths to ensure the monastery kept her Crest a secret. So long as no one discovered her curse, they would be safe from her… right?
Marianne had been much too lost in thought to notice when the bell from the cathedral sounded the eight o'clock warning. At this time, the dining hall would be serving its last course, and all students were usually required to retire to their dormitories shortly after. But Marianne remained perched on the window sill, the drops of rain that splattered against the glass beginning to blur in her vision. Although she was acutely aware of the students and staff that moved about, she barely registered their sounds as they barely registered her existence. How would she ever be suited for marriage if she couldn't even make herself visible to those around her?
She hadn't the faintest idea how long she'd been staring out the window when she started to get the strangest feeling that she was being watched. An overwhelming presence sent a shiver down her spine, and as she turned to face the source, a knot began to form in her stomach. When she found herself looking into the sincerest blue eyes, the knot somehow seemed to grow tighter and larger, entangling and entrapping her in an immanent state of dread.
"Marianne, there you are," her new arrival spoke with a hint of urgency. "I've been looking for you."
"O-oh," she stuttered, moving her eyes away. "Why?" Why would you want anything to do with me?
Her classmate shifted, his armor clinking as he seemed to reach for something at his side. She hazarded a glance as he withdrew a package, her name scrawled across an envelope that was attached. "This came for you today from Margrave Edmund. Claude had business with Professor Hanneman so I took it upon myself to deliver it to you."
She blinked, momentarily forgetting her turmoil as she turned her attention to the package. It was from her adoptive father. "Thank you, Dimitri," she murmured softly, taking the package and setting it in her lap. She hoped he would leave her to open it, but when a moment passed and he still stood before her, she forced herself to meet his gaze once more. "Is there something else?"
"Oh, yes." Dimitri cleared his throat. "Forgive me for asking, but you looked quite forlorn just now. Are you alright?"
Marianne swallowed. What could she possibly say to get Dimitri to leave? There was no way she could tell him the truth. Even if her adoptive father hadn't forbidden her to speak of her Crest, how would she even begin to explain the many curses that plagued her blood? "I… it's nothing. I was just looking at the rain."
Dimitri's brows furrowed, not seeming to believe her. But rather than pressing her, he simply nodded. "It seems to be coming down harder, now… Perhaps we should be returning to our dorms before it gets to be too late."
She glanced out the window, only then realizing just how dark it had become. She had been so preoccupied, she hadn't even noticed the final hints of daylight disappear behind the heavy clouds. She lifted her package, clutching it tightly to her chest. "I… I should go," she told Dimitri, hopping down from the window sill.
"Wait," he called, outstretching his hand. "Allow me to walk you back."
"No, no, I'll be fine!" she sputtered, turning away from him. The last thing she needed right now was to worry about Dimitri's wellbeing. Just being around her, especially in a rainstorm, would surely only amount to trouble. Before he could protest, she ran out of the reception hall, cutting through the soaked courtyard toward the student dormitories. By the time she finally reached her destination, she was drenched from head to toe, her boots caked in grass and mud.
She stomped the mud off the best she could before she entered her room, immediately kicking her boots into the corner. When she was finally safe behind her closed door, she released an exasperated sigh, and dropped to the chair beside her bed. She glanced down at the package from her adoptive father, the wrapping now a little damp from the rain. She removed the envelope, careful not to smudge the wet ink as she unfolded the short letter inside.
Marianne, it began, scrawled in the margrave's familiar calligraphy. I hope you are adjusting well to life at the monastery. As the Red Wolf Moon draws close, I am reminded that the eighteenth year of your birth is just a few weeks away. Please accept this gift, and with it, my admiration for the young woman you have become. I encourage you to reflect during this time on what it means to be a woman of House Edmund. You are a child of great power and nobility, and I have faith you will pave a strong path for our family someday. May the goddess be with you. Your father, Margrave Edmund.
"What it means to be a woman?" Marianne read through the letter again, an uneasiness welling in her stomach once more. Her adoptive father had rarely sent her gifts, as he had already spent more than enough of his money covering up the secret of her Crest. Marianne had learned better than to expect more than she needed, especially for her birthday. Anyone who knew anything about the Crest of the Beast knew that Marianne's birth was not one worth celebrating. So the fact that the margrave had actually gone out of his way to send her something only further pushed the idea in Marianne's head that he wanted her to find a suitor, and soon.
It had to be the only logical explanation. What else could Marianne possibly be good for?
She closed her eyes, shaking her head. Now was not the time to be having those kinds of thoughts. Drawing in a deep breath, she opened her eyes and reached for the package. The lace knot that bound the package together had already been loosened, presumably from being jostled during the delivery transport. She pulled it open, discarding the wrapping on her bed as she stared down at its contents.
An elegant dress of bright and royal blues sat folded in her lap, intricate designs stitched into the trim in gold thread and white lace. Tucked inside the dress was a pair of new riding boots, and Marianne couldn't help but note the impeccable timing of the new attire. However, as beautiful as the dress was, she wasn't particularly fond of how formal and stuffy it appeared to be. This is what you'll be wearing once you're married off to a wealthy noble, she found herself thinking with apprehension.
Maybe it would be best to hide the dress away until after graduation. She wouldn't be needing it at the academy, anyhow. All students were required to wear some variation of the Garreg Mach uniforms outside of battle, and that even included wearing matching loungewear at night that corresponded with the colors of their respective Houses.
Although Marianne found the colors of the ladies' loungewear for the Golden Deer quite hideous, she couldn't deny the comfort they provided her. In fact, if she had to choose between wearing the loungewear or her class uniform throughout the day, she would pick the loungewear in a heartbeat.
For as long as she could remember, Marianne had detested wearing dresses. They never quite gave her legs the freedom she needed when she was riding a horse, and she hated the way most dresses were tapered to show off the curves of her body. She hated being the center of attention, hated the way she felt when other people were ogling her. At least in her loungewear, she looked just like everyone else, regardless of her preference for the boys' soft emerald green over the ladies' harsh mustard yellow.
Marianne set aside her new boots and brought her dress to the wardrobe, hanging it inside. She made a mental note to write back to her adoptive father and thank him for the gifts, wondering if it would be acceptable to exaggerate her wellbeing. Perhaps if she assured him she was doing fine, that she had already made a few friends, he would lessen the pressure for her to socialize and would check in on her less often. Would lying to him make her an even bigger disappointment than she already was?
"Oh, goddess," she muttered, bowing her head. "Please grant me your wisdom…" She whispered a short prayer, if only to calm her mind of all her conflicting thoughts and feelings. After taking a moment of silence, she finally removed her wet uniform and laid it out across the window sill to dry. She changed into her loungewear, blew out the bedside candle, and crawled into bed. Oh, how she prayed for tomorrow to be a better day...
The next morning, Marianne awoke to the sound of the six o'clock bell. When she glanced out her window, the sun was just beginning to rise, not a single drop of rain in sight. She climbed out of bed to inspect her uniform, but her heart immediately sank when she found it was still a little damp. It was her only remaining uniform until laundry was set to arrive that afternoon, so she would have no choice but to wear it for her morning activities.
Marianne reluctantly changed into the soggy skirt and blouse, shivering as the wet, cold fabric clung to her skin. She folded up her loungewear at the foot of her bed and stepped into her muddied boots, sighing as her heels squished into the floor. Surely this was a punishment from the goddess for even considering lying to her adoptive father.
She tried her best to push aside any looming negative thoughts, setting her attention to the list of chores that needed to be done before the end of the day. It was Saturday, the first of the Red Wolf Moon, and she had been assigned to stable duty. Although Marianne certainly was not the best at cleaning and she always felt sorry for whomever was stuck working with her, there was something about being around the horses that always made the grueling task worth it. Perhaps her day wouldn't be too awful after all, so long as she kept her head down and stayed out of trouble.
When she finished getting ready, she headed to the dining hall for breakfast, dodging any glances from passersby who were surely taken aback by her unsightly appearance. Just stand in the sun for an hour and you'll be fine, she told herself as she shuffled through the line. Fortunately, not many students were up yet, as most tended to sleep in until the final morning bell on weekends, so she didn't have to worry about the dining hall being crowded. She carried her tray to a table in the back, positioning herself near a window so she could admire the sounds of the birds chirping in the courtyard outside.
Sometimes Marianne wondered what life was like for a bird or animal. She imagined it was quite simple not having to wear uncomfortable clothing or having to worry about such trivial matters like marriage or social status. She could go about her day being blissfully unaware of the existence of Crests, of the curse that ran through her veins. How nice it would be to live so carefree…
Only a few minutes into her breakfast, Marianne was already starting to feel the effects of her saturated uniform. Not even the warmth of the dining hall was enough to quell the chills that ran up and down her body, her hands and feet beginning to go numb. Perhaps she should have stayed in bed just a little longer that morning and given her uniform enough time to completely dry. She had half the mind to return to her dorm anyway, but she wasn't about to waste the rest of her morning just sitting around and waiting.
What she really needed right then was to curl up in front of a nice, cozy fire. So she quickly cleaned up her breakfast and headed toward the Knights Hall, hoping no one would be around yet at that hour. She pulled her blazer tight as she walked, keeping her gaze turned toward the ground. When she reached the entrance of the Knights Hall, she let out a heavy breath, relieved that no one seemed to notice her.
She rounded the corner, and immediately, she froze. There, in the back of the Knights Hall, Dimitri sat hunched in front of the already-lit fireplace, his face illuminated by the flickering flames. Of course it wasn't going to just be that easy. What was he even doing up so early?
Marianne swallowed, taking a few cautious steps forward. Dimitri still didn't seem to be aware of her presence. His eyes were closed, his head tilted toward the fire, appearing to be lost in thought. She waited for him to make any kind of movement, not wanting to interrupt him. But after a few moments of silence, a shiver racked her body, sending a tickle to her nose and causing her to sniffle.
Dimitri's eyes opened, his head shooting upward at the sudden sound. He turned to Marianne, his brows raising in surprise. "Oh… Marianne. How long have you been standing there?"
"I, um…" she mumbled, averting her gaze. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you."
He shook his head. "No, that's quite alright." He leaned away from the fire, pushing himself up to his feet. "What brings you here so early?"
Marianne hugged her arms closer to her chest. "Actually, I was hoping to use the fire…"
"Well, then, don't mind me." He smiled kindly, gesturing for her to join him.
She stepped toward the fireplace, keeping her distance as she slowly outstretched her hands toward the flames. The fire danced before her, its heat radiating through the large room and swiftly filling her body with warmth. Even as she kept her gaze withdrawn, Marianne could feel Dimitri's eyes on her, scrutinizing her appearance.
"Forgive me, Marianne," he spoke softly, concerned, "but your uniform—"
"I'm fine," she answered quickly, cutting him off before he could finish. She didn't need to look at him to see the pity in his eyes; she could already hear it clearly in his voice.
"But you're all wet. You'll catch a cold."
Marianne sighed. "That's why I'm here. My uniform wasn't drying enough in my room."
"Do you not have any spares?"
She lowered her arms, finally turning to face him. "They're in the laundry. This is my last uniform until the clean ones arrive this afternoon."
Dimitri frowned. "That won't do." He glanced her up and down, his inquisitive gaze making Marianne uncomfortable.
"U-um..."
He lifted his head with a thoughtful hum, a smile returning to his lips. "Why don't you borrow one of my uniforms? I've got quite a few spares."
Marianne blinked, a light blush rising to her cheeks. "What? No, I can't do that."
"Please, I insist." He stepped around her, already starting for the door. "Come, I'll fetch you one right now."
"Dimitri!" she called after him, letting out a defeated huff. "You don't have to waste one of your uniforms on me. I'm sure I can manage just fine."
He stopped at the entrance, turning back toward her. "I will not allow a friend to just stand by shivering if I can do anything to help it."
Friend? So Dimitri thought of her as a friend. Marianne had to admit that sounded nice, however unexpected. She didn't often spend time with anyone outside of the Golden Deer, and even then, she rarely socialized with her own housemates. To be considered a friend by anyone was, simply put, a miracle. The idea did manage to bring a sliver of a smile to her face, though.
Dimitri seemed to take Marianne's change of expression as affirmation, as he quickly turned heel, and continued out of the Knights Hall. Marianne had no choice but to follow, all the while trying to come up with an excuse to decline his offer. As grateful as she was for Dimitri's generosity, the idea of wearing someone else's clothes, especially a house leader's, absolutely terrified her.
What would everyone think if they saw her walking around campus in his uniform? Surely, they would think both Marianne and Dimitri were insane. How would Lady Rhea feel about one of her female students wearing a boy's clothing? Was there a punishment for that kind of obstruction at Garreg Mach? She knew for absolute certain that if word somehow made it back to her adoptive father, she would be disowned for good. What kind of lord would willingly provide for a crossdresser?
Before she could truly make up her mind, the two had arrived at the dormitories. Dimitri instructed Marianne to wait outside while he retrieved the uniform, so she did just that, finding herself anxiously glancing around the long hallway. Students were finally starting to stir, now, shuffling through the halls and greeting each other amicably. Cyril, Rhea's servant, was making his rounds through the building, dusting the walls and windows. Fortunately, no one seemed to pay Marianne any attention.
Dimitri returned to the hall, a fresh uniform in his hands. "Here you are."
She stared down at the folded clothes, her shoulders drooping. She really didn't have any other choice. "Thank you," she murmured, taking them. She gestured toward the opposite end of the hall. "I, uh, I'm going to go change in my room."
"Of course." He furrowed his eyebrows. "Would you like me to wait for you?"
Marianne waved her hand dismissively, her cheeks reddening. "N-no! That's not necessary. I don't want to interrupt your morning routine."
"Oh, that won't be a problem," he insisted with a smile. "The training grounds won't be open to students for at least another hour. Besides, I wanted to talk with you about last night, if that's alright."
"Last night?" Her grip tightened over the uniform. What could he possibly want to know about the night before? Marianne had not been in a pleasant state of mind, and she absolutely did not want to risk scaring Dimitri away if she told him the truth of her turmoil.
He nodded toward her. "Go freshen up. I will be in the Knights Hall. Come find me there if you wish to speak further."
Marianne wasn't sure how to respond. Dimitri certainly was a perplexing person, but for some reason, she didn't feel so mortified about the idea of spending time with him. Something about his demeanor felt familiar to Marianne, though she couldn't exactly place it. But somehow, she didn't worry so much about being judged by him, the way she usually worried about everyone else around her. Perhaps he had seen more than his fair share of demons to not blink when standing directly before one. Or perhaps he was just optimistically naive.
Dimitri walked on, leaving Marianne to her own devices. She returned to her room and stripped off her damp clothes, laying them over the window sill once more. As she reached for Dimitri's uniform, she ran her fingers over the gentle embroidery of the jacket, wondering if anyone would really notice the differences between them.
First, she pulled on the undershirt, surprised to find that it actually fit her quite well. The sleeves were a bit too long, however, so she rolled them just past her wrists before slipping into Dimitri's jacket. This time, the cuffs fell perfectly at her wrists and didn't require any adjustments. It was perhaps the first time she'd actually seen the cuffs of his jacket, as Dimitri usually wore armor over both of his hands and forearms. Unlike the standard student uniforms, which had gold trim and cuffs, Dimitri's were silver, and the top of the collar was blue, symbolizing his position as the Blue Lions house leader. Marianne briefly wondered if Claude would give her an earful for that one.
Finally, she climbed into the pants, which were much too long for her. After tucking the blouse into the waistband, she rolled up the legs of the pants to her shins, and stuffed them into the new pair of boots she'd just received from her adoptive father. Once she was fully dressed, Marianne took a moment to observe her appearance. It was almost strange how much more freedom she felt in Dimitri's uniform, even in spite of the nagging guilt that formed at the back of her mind for having to borrow them in the first place. But for the first time in a long time, her legs felt lighter, and her chest and hips much more concealed. She felt safer, less exposed… even a little more confident. How odd it was that a simple change of clothes could affect her mood so drastically.
After making a few minor adjustments, Marianne peeked out the door to scan the halls. Upon finding it nearly empty, she drew in a deep breath and took a step outside. Keeping her head low, she exited the dormitories and made her way across the academy grounds to the Knights Hall. Truthfully, she wasn't sure why she was headed in that direction. She didn't often spend time in the Knights Hall, but for some reason, she suddenly felt the urge to go hear Dimitri out. She even had a question or two she wanted to ask him herself.
Somehow, Marianne managed to find her way to the Knights Hall without so much as a gawk or whisper from another student. The building was still fairly quiet, as most students were probably just now entering the dining hall for breakfast. Only a few knights and unnotable students were present in the Knights Hall, now, most of whom paid Marianne little attention as she crossed the room to where Dimitri sat by the fire. He appeared much more at ease than when she had first found him that morning, an observation that allowed Marianne to relax.
This time, she didn't wait for him to notice her as she joined him by the fire. "Hello, Dimitri."
He turned to her with a smile, his eyes wide as he examined her new wardrobe. "Well, don't you look sharp."
Marianne let out a timid chuckle. "You're just saying that because it's yours."
"Perhaps you're right," he agreed with a hint of jest. "Though you certainly look much more comfortable. And much like a Blue Lion."
"Only for today," she reminded him.
"What a shame." He shifted in his seat, positioning himself to fully face her. "Marianne, I couldn't help but notice that you seem to be in better spirits. May I ask what was bothering you before?"
She lowered her gaze. Oh, that's what he wants to talk about… In all honesty, Marianne had found herself wondering every so often how her life might be different had she someone to share her burdens with. But the idea of placing any of her troubles on others only usually filled her with more anxiety and guilt, and she knew if she ever got too comfortable, there was a chance they would learn her secret and turn their back on her for good. She wasn't sure she was ready to deal with that kind of rejection just yet.
"I… It's a long story," she told Dimitri instead, offering him a smile. "But yes, I am in a better mood today. So thank you, Dimitri, for helping make that happen."
"That's very kind of you," he said with uncertainty, "but I did nothing worthy of such praise."
Marianne folded her hands over her knees, the soft fabric warm against her palms. She didn't yet quite understand what exactly the spike in her mood had meant, but for the first time in a while, she wasn't so afraid to let herself enjoy it. Maybe the goddess had finally accepted her prayers, had decided Marianne had suffered enough for a single day. Maybe the goddess didn't care so much about what clothes Marianne wore, about the way she presented herself, or about what it meant to be "a woman of House Edmund". Maybe, for once, all the goddess wanted was for Marianne to feel comfortable in the skin she'd been blessed with.
"I want to thank you," she spoke again, raising her eyes to meet his, "for taking the time to check on me. Truthfully, I have not been looking forward to this month ahead. But somehow, knowing I have someone looking out for me makes me feel a little more at ease."
Dimitri nodded. "I understand that feeling well. I, too, have been apprehensive about these coming weeks." His expression fell, the brightness in his eyes seeming to dull. "I suppose speaking with you has helped me, too. For a moment, I had forgotten my troubles."
She contemplated asking what had been troubling him, but she decided she didn't need to know. Just as she had her secrets, she supposed he was entitled to his own. It didn't matter so long as she could enjoy his company, and he could take comfort in hers. She let out a nervous huff, hoping her next words wouldn't come across the wrong way. "I'm glad my unfortunate clothing mishap was able to distract you."
He blinked, the light returning to his eyes as a pinkness rose to his cheeks. Then, he laughed, fully and wholeheartedly, the boisterous sound bouncing off the walls. It took Marianne, and many of the other Knights Hall's occupants, by surprise, a few glancing their way as Dimitri recollected himself. "So you do have a sense of humor underneath that shy exterior."
"D-Dimitri!" she stuttered under her breath, her own face flooding with color. She couldn't hold back her smile as she watched him take such delight in her words. "How do you know it's not just your clothes making me silly?"
"Not possible," he quipped with a smirk.
Marianne raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Why not?"
"Because you really do look quite handsome," Dimitri answered sincerely. He sat back, looking her over once more. "I'd say it suits you much better than it ever suited me."
Her cheeks were burning, now, a strange fluttering sensation tickling the insides of her stomach. She wasn't sure why, but something about that word, "handsome", made her feel more appealing than she'd ever felt in her almost eighteen years of existence. She had been called pretty, beautiful, even, by many noblemen in the Alliance, but not once had their compliments ever reached her heart. She had thought for so long that many of her insecurities were directly related to her Crest, she hadn't thought of the possibility that she might actually ever be considered attractive. But something about Dimitri's words felt different; they felt honest, uplifting, and they felt right.
She glanced down at the uniform, hoping to see any hint of what Dimitri could see. But what, exactly, made a person "handsome"? Had he only said it because Marianne was wearing a boy's uniform? Would he have called her "pretty" if she had worn the new dress her adoptive father had sent her instead? Why hadn't Marianne thought to have asked one of her female housemates to borrow one of their uniforms? Why had she readily accepted Dimitri's uniform over all her other options?
He had said it because he believed it to be true. Dimitri wasn't the kind of person to just give out compliments if he didn't mean them. He also didn't often go around complimenting the other female students on their appearances, so Marianne doubted he would have said something to her had she worn anything different. Marianne didn't want to wear the dress her adoptive father had sent her. She didn't want to wear any other girl's uniform, either. She was comfortable like this, in Dimitri's uniform, in a boy's uniform, and for the first time, she didn't try to fight her feelings.
For now, she could shut the world out.
For now, she could enjoy her morning with a friend.
For now, she could just be herself, whatever "herself" would eventually turn out to be.