It wasn't exactly a typical, daily occurrence for Hajime to come home after a day of work to find all the lights off, because he was usually greeted moments after he came inside by Chiaki telling him that she was playing or streaming a game. This was something that happened on a regular cycle though, and his heart sank a bit to think that he'd been so unaware of what was happening as to miss the fact that the woman dearest to his heart was feeling under the weather. As quietly as he could, he dropped off his shoes and jacket by the door before tiptoeing down to their bedroom, noticing that the door was cracked open just enough that opening it wouldn't take much effort.
When he pushed it open, he saw what he'd figured he'd be walking into: Chiaki curled up in the bed, blankets askew and a heating pad strewn across her midsection, her head tilted back with her eyes squeezed tightly shut. "Hey, how are you feeling?" he asked, making his way to her side of the bed, one of her eyes opening just enough to see his concerned face up above her. "If I'd known it was this time, I would've stopped to get you something."
"Can't do anything for it," she croaked in reply, her voice sounding strained. "Hurts too much, Hajime."
"That's what I thought you'd say." His first order of business was to turn the heating pad off and move it off of her, the visible skin underneath it bright red from the heat she'd been holding on it. "Come on, you know you can't have that on all day, don't you remember when you burned yourself sleeping on it?"
She responded to his act by closing her eye back up, before curling herself tighter into a ball. "The burn hurt less than this does. I'd be okay with going through it again."
"No, you really wouldn't be." This was the same kind of conversation they had what roughly amounted to every single month, where she was rendered completely helpless against the raging monster that was her monthly cycle, which they both had a lot of names for that they'd jokingly call it from time to time. It was why Hajime dreaded the times he'd come home from his boring job to see Chiaki not doing anything regarding her more exciting one, because her so-called "little monster" would render her completely unable to do anything for as long as it took to work its way through her.
Asking her to keep talking to him was going to be more torturous to her than anything, so he carefully made a spot for himself on her side of the bed and sat there with her, running his fingers through her thick hair to comfort her. She was in absolute pain, her cheeks flushed and her skin warm to the touch, and if there was anything that could be done for her he would've suggested it in a heartbeat. When she said she couldn't do anything for it she really meant it, the result of years upon years of her trying to treat the monstrous problem at the source and finding nothing had even a minor impact on curbing its vicious properties. There'd been so many kinds of medication, so many doctor visits, so many attempts at putting a stop to the reign of terror her menstrual cycle would put her body through, and not a single one had done anything to help her out.
As much as it sucked that this was part of their monthly lives, there didn't seem to be any feasible options to prevent it, and so for the following few days Hajime would return home to Chiaki in basically the same place, some days with a glass of water at her side and others with a video game in her hand, but always in the bed looking like she was close to crying in pain. She was a lot stronger than he figured he'd be able to be in such a horrible situation, but it was something she'd been living with since she was a young teenager, and she'd even been the one to first give the problem a cutesy name to refer to it with. Finally, after nearly a week of being within the grasp of her little monster, she was feeling well enough to be back out in her normal gaming spot when Hajime came home from work, and that was how he knew that things would be fine until the cycle started up again.
"Maybe someday there'll be some miracle cure that will stop this," he remarked a couple days after things had gone back to how they should have always been. "It hurts me to see you in so much pain, and to know I can't do anything to help you."
"I think you staying with me even though this happens every month is help enough," she replied, a serene smile on her lips as she spoke, even though her focus was on the TV on the wall and the game she was playing. Chiaki always looked to be most at peace when she was sitting on the couch, leaning forward to get just a bit closer to the big screen, with her controller in hand and all of her strategies running through her mind. When she was at the mercy of the monster she couldn't even sit up, preventing her from doing what she loved until things were over. "I'll talk to my doctor again though, maybe she'll have a new thing we can try. Remember when she put that thing in my arm? That sorta worked."
Hajime winced at the memory she was recalling, shaking his head to forget the sight of the small bulge in her upper arm that Chiaki had shown him resulting from the procedure, a mark that lasted for all of two months before it had to be quickly removed. "Sure, it worked, until the monster flared up off-sequence and you didn't eat for five days, then that was the end of that."
"It was a nice month where I didn't deal with it, though. I wonder if I can experience that again sometime." Her wistful tone was hopeful, and it hurt Hajime to know that the peace she was looking for was most likely never going to come for her. As long as he'd known her, since they were students at the same school that occasionally crossed paths, she'd been afflicted with the immobilizing pain every single month, and that hadn't changed no matter how many radical treatments she signed herself up for.
He hadn't even known it was as bad as it was until they'd started dating, and he learned it was even worse when they'd moved in together and made their relationship even more serious. By the time they'd decided to get legally married, for all of the benefits that came with it (including allowing her to find new doctors because of the avenues he opened to her with his job), he'd seen her go through so many months of pain that he was a master at being as supportive as he could be during those times, and it was after that when she was given a new doctor with a new list of treatments to try out. Not like anything that had been thrown at her had ever worked for longer than that single month's reprieve, he thought. "I'm sure someday they'll come up with something for you," he said, trying to stay positive about the situation. "It's not like you're the only person out there dealing with this, you know?"
"Yes, but it seems like most people have a solution they can turn to, and I can't." It was a miracle that she was holding the conversation as well as she was, given that Chiaki's attention was almost exclusively on the game she was playing, but sometimes she surprised Hajime with her ability to split her focus. "I keep thinking that the next visit will be different, that someone will have come up with something, but it doesn't seem likely. That's okay though, I think."
"You think? You can't do anything for a week while you're curled in bed, that doesn't sound like it's okay at all!" Pushing a hand onto his forehead as he thought about what he'd just heard her say to him, Hajime felt the need to step away from the conversation and return to it with some better-thought statements. They discussed this sort of thing frequently, given that it was a rather big topic there in the house, but he never knew how he was supposed to properly react to Chiaki resigning herself to living with this problem untreated. She was so happy and hopeful about everything else in her life that it was genuinely bothersome at times to see her convinced that she was going to lose time every month to the problem.
That changed starting with the next time she saw her doctor, but in the time before that there were many months where she was regularly relegated to laying in bed, feeling like she was unable to move without splitting pain tearing her apart or making her sick. Usually she would let Hajime know that she could feel it coming on, because tracking her cycles was useless as they were completely irregular, and he'd come home from work the next day laden with gifts to try making her a bit happier. Food was off the table, as was anything that required movement or more attention than she could give laying in the fetal position, so he typically showed up with a stuffed rabbit or a plush of a game character for her to keep at her side until she was able to resume normal activities. The testament to how long she'd been going through this rough process was the filled bins of these gifts that she kept in the main room, using them as shelves for her gaming devices.
When the day came that Hajime got home from work and Chiaki was nowhere to be seen, not in the bedroom or playing her games or anyone that he could find her, it took him a few minutes of looking around confused before he remembered where she was. Her appointments to try and solve the problems surrounding that little monster were important enough, but he'd had a particularly stressful day at work and hadn't been intending on coming home to being alone. He wasn't one for venting out his frustrations, especially not to Chiaki as she wouldn't do anything but idly nod along with whatever he was saying, but there was just something about what he went through on a daily basis at work that made him quick to want to get everything out of his system.
Since Chiaki wasn't home and playing her games, he decided he'd turn something on and pass the time while he waited for her to get back. He didn't play nearly as much as she did, having a real career that wasn't based on streaming video games to people who had nothing better to do with their time, but whenever he had the chance he liked to kick back and play something casual. His choice that day was a racing game, simply because it was the last thing that Chiaki had been playing and he didn't feel like switching any of her games around, and while he wasn't very good at it, he was still able to have fun playing.
At least beating and banging into the other cars he was racing against was a form of working out frustrations, and without really intending on doing it he began mentally referring to some of the other racers by the names of his co-workers. The ones that kept sabotaging him were called the names of people who liked sending him emails meant for a completely different person (and when called out on it, they'd claim that it was an honest mistake, but Hajime knew that his name was nowhere near the name of Izuru Kamakura, and he hoped these people were smart enough to know that too). The ones that somehow kept getting ahead of everyone and winning despite the odds were named for the people who always were getting raises and promotions without deserving them. And the ones that did nothing but ride around in the back were his slacker co-workers that he always did more work than, only for them all to be treated the same.
He got so wrapped up in his cathartic racing that he barely noticed when Chiaki got home, not acknowledging her with anything more than a quick glance before he was right back to focusing on his game. She slowly took off her shoes and her jacket, leaving all of her personal belongings in its pockets, before she lazily strolled to the couch and sat down next to Hajime, her face blank as she scooted as close to him as she could without breaking his concentration. "I have something to say to you," she started, speaking quietly as she leaned into his ear, the feeling of her breath tickling his jawline. "It's really important, so you should stop playing."
"If you can have important conversations with me while gaming, I think I can do the same back to you," he replied, eyes not lifting off the screen as he battled for dominance and the lead of the race. "I promise that I can listen and play at once."
Without missing a beat, she bought into what he said and told him exactly what she was there to say: "I think we should try having a baby."
Any focus he had on the game was gone, her words hitting him just like the cars he'd been racing with hit his now-stopped vehicle. "I'm sorry, say that again?" he prompted, not because he didn't hear her, but because he wasn't sure that she'd actually said what he knew he heard. She did in fact repeat it, with the same soft tone and intonation she'd used before, and he could feel his stomach drop at the realization of how serious she was. "That's what I thought you said, and I…don't think I agree with you."
"I know, it's weird to think about, but you have to hear me out." Leaning away from him, her spirits unharmed at his surprised reaction, Chiaki leaned back into the cushions of the couch and let her head roll from side to side. "The doctor said that there's a chance that having a baby would solve my problem, and I think trying it would be worth it."
"Whoa, you're willing to make that kind of huge life decision because of a chance it'll help you?" Hajime sounded incredulous, and that was because he couldn't believe what kind of justification she'd just given. This was someone who hated doing much more than eat, sleep, and play games suggesting that they have a child, someone that they'd have to be responsible for and raise and take care of for a very, very long time. "I'm pretty sure that neither of us would be ready for having a kid around, Chiaki. Just think about that. Could you see yourself having to be there for a baby?"
"I've raised babies in games before," she told him, as if it was a fair comparison to make. A digital baby was just a collection of pixels that would never have real harm befall it, but a living child was a real responsibility that had no take-backs. "But I think we could do it, especially if it means I don't have to hurt like I do anymore."
He wasn't going to consider himself an expert on children by any means, but part of what Chiaki was using as defense for her position now was rubbing Hajime the wrong way once again. "I'm pretty sure that you'll have to go through a lot more hurting before you'd even know if it worked or not. And what if it doesn't work? What if we go through with this and we have a kid and you're still suffering from your monster every month? Who's going to take care of a baby while you're in bed and I'm at work?"
"We have friends who can do it," she replied after putting her finger to her chin in thought, "because they love us and they love kids too. I really think this would be worth it." He didn't know if she was looking for immediate agreement or if she was going to let him think about things as long as he needed to, but either way, there was nothing in that moment that was going to make Hajime go along with that plan. He sat there in silence for a while, as Chiaki waited for whatever he had to say next, and when no response came she quietly took the controller out of his tense hands and restarted his game so that she could play for herself.
Replying to her felt like it was going to go nowhere, and the last thing Hajime needed right then was to get trapped in a looping conversation where what he wanted wasn't clear but it certainly wasn't what she wanted. Instead of trying to solve things right then, he stood up and left the room, needing some space to clear his head and process what hair-brained suggestion she'd had for him. That wasn't exactly something that people could take lightly, as it was a huge life decision that would have impacts for the rest of their days, and while he could understand that she was throwing it out there as a potential solution to her monthly problem, it didn't seem like it was the best or most appropriate option.
He spent most of the rest of the night doing some research of his own, so that when it came time to discuss once again he had some information at his disposal. What he found was the basis for her conclusion, as well as claims of people that the exact opposite would happen, and a third group stating that there would be no change at all. That right there was already a blow to her plan, and it brought his soul a bit of peace knowing that he was clearly doing the right thing telling her no when it wasn't likely to work. There were many articles about the possible benefits to having a child in terms of regulating and lightening cycles, but they all cautioned that the decision was not one to be made just for that purpose, which was exactly what Hajime felt about the situation. If they'd ever talked about having children before that day, he'd possibly have been slightly more open-minded to the idea, but that was the very first time it had been brought up and under those circumstances.
Even when he was eating dinner (she was too busy getting wrapped up in her games to join him for a meal) he was thinking about formulating his argument against her stance, occasionally stealing glances toward her in her typical position on the couch, leaning far forward as if her proximity to the TV would help her gaming at all. She was honestly too much like a child herself for him to even consider wanting to have a child with her; even though he loved her dearly and was willing to spend the rest of his life with her, he often felt like he was more a caretaker for her and her flighty mind than he was her significant other, her legal husband in the eyes of the law. He frequently had to remind her to eat, to stop playing her games long enough to take a shower and freshen up, to get a decent amount of sleep before she started seeing things that weren't there. If he had to add in another person, especially one physically unable to care for themselves, he'd basically be caring for two children at once and he didn't even want to be caring for one.
That felt harsh for him to think, especially with how childlike Chiaki was so much of the time, but he had to assure himself that the thought was valid. That was another piece of ammunition he'd have available for him whenever they had a round two of their discussion, and if he could just point out how much like a father he had to be with her sometimes, he was sure he'd be able to get her to begin doubting her potential as a mother.
Mentally he was setting himself up for a continuation of the conversation that night before bed, but right at about the time he was winding down to go to sleep, she was setting up a gaming stream for some of her fans. "Sorry, Hajime, but I promised I would tonight and I forgot about it until now," she said as an explanation for her actions, while he stood over her wearing his pajamas and ready to call it a day. "I'll remember to eat before I join you later, you can trust me."
"I don't think I've got much of a choice there, I can't stay up with you tonight." The dread of having to go back to work in the morning was beginning to set in, with all of the coworkers he couldn't stand and this new relationship debate brewing in his mind, but he couldn't ignore it to spend time with his wife. "I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah? Don't be too loud, and you really do need to eat."
She nodded, standing up so that they could quickly kiss without him having to bend down to her level. As she wiped her mouth after, her eyes shining with affection from the interaction, she let herself lean into him, their bodies touching for just a moment before she pulled back, a sense of shock having overcome her. "I can't be doing that right now, the stream should be starting any moment. Good night, Hajime."
"Yeah, good night, Chiaki." There was a tone to her voice that startled him, causing him to hesitate somewhat in his response, so by the time he'd said her name she was already sitting back down, going back to her own little world of gaming. He walked to their bedroom alone, the feeling of tiredness aching down into his bones, and by the time he'd gotten into bed with the light off he could already feel his eyelids heavy. Sleep came quickly for him, and with it came what felt like a movie reel of nightmares, all of which played with the topics heavy on his mind. He jolted awake several times through the night, the last thing he vividly remembered ranging from a room full of clone-like babies all screaming at him, to a surprise house party where all of his unsavory coworkers had invaded his house, to the most frequently reoccurring one of all, in which Chiaki left him for the man his coworkers liked to pretend he was.
No matter what time it was when he woke up from those nightmares, drenched in a sweat that clung to his skin and seeped into the clothing he was wearing, Chiaki was nowhere to be found in the bed, which often meant that she fell asleep mid-stream, or hadn't fallen asleep at all yet. Her presence would have been comforting to Hajime, proving that they were fine and that things were normal between them, but he knew he couldn't drag her away from whatever she'd gotten herself wrapped up in that night. When he woke up for the day, though, she was curled up on her side of the bed, a stuffed rabbit in her arms and her body completely out from underneath the blankets. Seeing her laying there was soothing to his heart, and as much as he wanted to know if she had done the basic task she'd been instructed to do the night before he was aware that waking up her up was not a good idea.
That day at work was miserable, as most of them were, and every moment he spent stuck at his desk, hearing the chatter of the people around him making plans for their night and the upcoming weekend, made him only want to get back home to Chiaki more than he usually did. They weren't big on making plans and executing them, but they did have something they needed to talk about and it had remained at the front of his mind all day, even when people were poking fun at him for being so remarkably average in everything at his job.
Returning home at the end of the shift was a relief, but just when he thought he'd have the time to talk to Chiaki he was greeted with the reality that nothing was meant to go his way. She was in the middle of a stream with several other notable gamers when he got home, her soft voice raised to higher levels as she talked commandingly to the people she was playing with, and she couldn't even spare him a second to wave to show that she knew he was home. It was a bit of a blow to him, after how he'd used getting to see her again as his motivation to get through the day, but it was to be expected, especially with streaming being how she helped pay the bills.
By the time she finished up, the night had blown by and it was already getting closer to bedtime than Hajime would have liked to admit. As much as he wanted to get that conversation over and done with, he knew that starting it so late would result in missed sleep, which would only add to his sour mood when he was at work the next day. "I didn't know they would keep me on so long, I'm so sorry," Chiaki apologized, having taken off her gaming headset and turned all of her equipment off before talking to him. "I know that you don't like when I spend all day doing that."
"It's fine," he told her, gritting his teeth and keeping all other thoughts close to his chest to keep them from escaping. "I know that you've got to do those things to make money, and besides, you sounded like you were having fun."
"I was having fun." From there Chiaki broke into an in-depth explanation of some of the gaming mechanics and specifics of what she'd been doing all day, and while Hajime understood a good portion of it, he couldn't really be bothered to care too much about the details. The reality that he was going to have to suffer through another day of planning out their big conversation had sunk in, and now he was just biding time until the golden hour of talking out their life direction was upon them.
They were able to head to bed together that night, taking their sides without any sort of physical contact along with some sleepy assertions of how they felt towards the other. The way Chiaki spoke when she was about to force herself into sleeping, just to be there at Hajime's side overnight, was gentle and calm, and it brought him peace to hear it. Just as he was letting his eyes close, he heard her add something to her usual message of "I love you" and "good night", and the sound of it had him shooting straight up in their darkened room: "I can't wait until we can try having a baby."
"Whoa there, Chiaki, we haven't really talked more about that," he reminded her, not wanting to have that conversation right then but knowing it was most likely coming whether he wanted it or not. "And I still feel like I did before about it, I don't think it's a good idea for us. Can we talk about this when we're not laying down for bed?"
"Oh, I didn't know that you felt so strongly." Yawning after her statement, which he couldn't tell if it was a genuine thing or if she was being teasing and thinking he was joking around with her, Chiaki rolled onto her side, facing away from him, and mumbled something to herself that he couldn't quite hear. That was the end of the discussion right then, which surprised Hajime because he could've sworn it would've kept going, but she accepted his rejection of wanting to talk and went right to sleep.
Unfortunately for him, sleep wasn't going to come as easy for his now-frantic mind after that jolt back into reality. Even with the gentle sounds of her snoring on the other side of the bed, he couldn't get himself into a state of comfort and ease while laying there, his brain running through all the possible avenues that the little exchange they'd had there could now take them on. The last thing he wanted, or needed, was for a rift to start forming between them over the idea of children, but he was aware that she only wanted to try because she was convinced it would be a miracle cure for her problems, and he'd read the anecdotes about how that wasn't always the case.
Whenever it was that he fell asleep, it wasn't nearly early enough for him to have a restful night, and morning came a lot faster than Hajime would have liked to admit. He barely dragged himself out of the bed, Chiaki still snoring where she'd curled up, and just watching her so at peace made him wish he could rejoin her. But someone had to be the responsible adult in the house and it certainly wasn't going to be her, and so he had to go back to the place he couldn't stand working for another day, another amount of being treated like he was lesser than anyone else that he worked with.
His return home was when he intended on finally having that conversation in its entirety with Chiaki, and she seemed to be on the same wavelength, as she was idly sitting in her usual spot, a controller in her lap but her hands far from it. "Are we going to talk about what I said last night?" she asked, before Hajime actually had the chance to get fully through the front door. "Because I think we should talk about it."
"I've been thinking the same thing." He wasn't going to tell her that he'd been thinking it since she'd said it the very first time, but he was sure that she actually knew that already. "I haven't changed how I feel about the idea, and I'm not going to change my mind easily. Not when I've done my own research, and—"
"Hajime, please. Doesn't the fact that the doctor told me this could work mean anything to you?" Putting on a pout that made her look even more childlike, Chiaki reached behind her head and pulled up the hood to the jacket she was wearing, the cat ears on it somewhat distracting from the seriousness of the conversation. "I just want things to go better for me, and this might be the best chance I have. And you won't let me have it because…why?"
"—if you wouldn't have cut me off, you'd know why!" He didn't mean to snap at her, but his finished sentence was punctuated with him slamming the door as hard as he could, his hand shaking as it came off the wood. "I've looked into this 'idea' that you're buying into and there's no proof it'll work! You're willing to completely change our lives when what you're changing them for might not even stick!"
Chiaki's pout became more pronounced, as her bottom lip started to wobble at how genuinely angry Hajime sounded with her. "I…guess that is a reason why you wouldn't let me have this chance. I should have thought more about this before I brought it up with you the first time, I am so sorry."
"No, don't be sorry, you were just looking forward to the possibility of not suffering every month," he replied, in time with her beginning to sniffle and cry a little. She looked so distraught at the rejection, but he couldn't let his strength on the matter waver simply because seeing Chiaki cry was so distressing. That would lead to nothing but poor decisions being made, and after he'd just snapped at her about her attempt at making one already he couldn't allow for them to make one together. He more or less leapt to be at her side, throwing her hood off her head and stroking her hair to try calming her, while she mumbled things about how she should have handled things better than she did.
Ultimately, both of them could have done to be more mindful about the other's perspective when it came to that topic, but as the following months passed and the same old, same old kept happening, the little spat would rise in each of their minds. It was his insistence that they not do anything about her monstrous problem that kept them in their current situation, but he didn't want to eat his words and go back on what he firmly believed was a bad choice for them. But when he would see her barely functional in bed after he'd get home from work, or spend all day with her while she was curled up begging for relief on the weekend, the idea that perhaps giving what she seemed to think was a last-ditch effort wouldn't be the end of the world.
What ended up happening wasn't quite intentional, but sometimes people made silly mistakes that should have been prevented beforehand but weren't for one reason or another. It wasn't like there was really any way to explain away the fact that sometimes, while half-awake and feeling incredibly physically affectionate, Chiaki would roll over in bed and start batting her eyes at Hajime, saying things that had the simple purpose of arousing him. (She always claimed that the phrases came from raunchy video games she had to play on stream for money, but he didn't care where they came from, he enjoyed them either way.) From there the predictable would always happen, but while the mood was so quickly set there wasn't much time to do anything than just go with the flow.
Usually when this would happen, in the morning they'd bring it up and things would be taken care of in the aftermath, but if it was an especially late night and an early morning, sometimes that reminder wouldn't happen. That became a normal occurrence after a while, after Hajime had resigned himself to the idea that the plan that Chiaki had come home with that day was the one that was worth a shot. He wasn't going to actively sabotage what she felt was her one chance at finding a solution to her problem, even if he wasn't sold on the consequences it would have on their day-to-day lives for the future. She was so forgetful that she wouldn't remember to do anything on her own, especially not something like that, and so each month became a waiting game of seeing if she was going to suffer once again, or if there were going to be larger problems for them to worry about.
To say that it started becoming disheartening whenever the typical happened was the truth, but Hajime would never quite admit to that. He couldn't let Chiaki know that he'd changed his mind, because making her so upbeat about things and giving her the hope that if they were knowingly trying things would work didn't sit right with him. If it was meant to be, it would have already happened, he told himself, and since she was still grappling full-contact with her little monster every month it was clear it wasn't going to be happening.
That was the mindset that he followed up until the day, over a year after the first time they'd ever talked about the idea of children, when he came home to find Chiaki sitting cross-legged in the bed, the blanket pulled over her head and shoulders like a hooded robe, reading something absent-mindedly on her phone even as he opened the bedroom door. His first instinct was to quiet his movements, as when he normally got home and she was in the room that meant that foul things were happening, and it took him a second to realize that she wasn't curled up in massive amounts of pain. In fact, she looked to be in quite the opposite, even if she was avoiding all eye contact with him in that moment.
"Uh, hey, Chiaki," he greeted, after clearing his throat to get her attention. "I don't mean to sound worried or anything, but what's going on with you? It's not normal for you to look so happy when you're in here in the daytime."
"I didn't want to get wrapped up in a game and not have time to talk to you," she replied, setting her phone down on her lap and looking over to him, a peaceful expression on her face, complemented by her rosy cheeks. The fact that she wanted to talk to him felt like it should have been something to raise concern over, but Hajime was more thankful that he hadn't walked into a warzone than he was worried that something wasn't right. "There is a big thing I have to tell you, and I have to make sure we're both paying attention for it."
He nodded, understanding that she was mostly isolating herself from her games for her own sake, not his. "Lay it on me, I suppose," he said, as he walked towards the bed to meet her, but she held out a hand to stop him, her palm covered in ink from a pen. "Whoa, why were you drawing on yourself?"
"I got bored sitting in the waiting room before they called me back, so I started drawing on my hand to pass the time." Coming from someone who usually had several gaming devices or avenues for entertainment on her, it was weird to hear Chiaki talking about being bored, but Hajime quickly got the explanation for why that was, at the same time that she was bucking the blanket off from overtop herself. "I wanted to look grown up and mature sitting there, and not like a child, so I didn't play anything. But I guess doodling isn't really mature either, but at least that's a talent most people don't frown upon."'
"Where, exactly, were you sitting and waiting?" he asked to clarify, having caught her refer to a waiting room but having no recollection of her ever mentioning that she had any sort of appointments to be at that day. "You didn't tell me that you were going to be anywhere but here, so that's…kind of surprising, coming from you."
Lowering her head for a moment, Chiaki let her gaze rise once more as a new sense of determination took over, her whole expression changing to one of confidence. "That's because I didn't want to tell you about where I was going. I knew if you knew, you'd be so grumpy about things, or you'd call off work, and I didn't want either to happen." He was left staring blankly at her while she remained oh-so-confident about whatever it was she was talking about, and his reaction was something she seemed to mind a bit. "I guess you want to know what's going on, don't you, Hajime?"
"That'd be nice, yeah."
"Promise you won't be mad about it when you hear what I say." There was a shine in her eyes that he noticed when he made that promise to her, and slowly she began to scoot herself off of the bed, reaching out to him and wordlessly asking for his assistance to get her to her feet. The second she was standing, she was clinging to him, her whole body feeling warm and radiant in his arms, and he could tell that she was holding something inside her heart that was about to burst. "I'm just…I don't even know how to tell you this, Hajime. It's so crazy, it's so weird, it's so…unreal that I can even say this."
His arms tightened around her, as he thought about what she could need to say to him that would be eliciting such a reaction in the first place. "You'll never tell me if you don't come out and say it," he reminded her, swaying as they stood to try and coax her statement out of her. "You've got to just tell me."
"You're right, but…" Swallowing down her words, Chiaki tilted her head so that she was leaning sideways for a second, before her eyes shot open wide and she wrestled her way out of the loving embrace she was currently in. Before Hajime even had the chance to ask her what was wrong, she was running out of the room, one hand clutching her face and the other used to make sure there were no obstacles in her path. He was left with no choice but to follow her, although running to keep up with her (at the fastest he'd ever seen her move, no less) was not something he was keen on doing.
Where he found her was kneeling in front of the kitchen trash, which had been mostly full to begin with from their weekly garbage. Why she'd chosen there, of all places, to run to he wasn't going to ask, but by the time he'd gotten there she'd already thrown up whatever had been upsetting her in the first place and she was staring down at the floor in a daze, the hand that had once been over her mouth now pushing her hair out of her face while the other grasped her stomach. "Chiaki, what was that about? You never run like that."
"I started to feel sick, and I guess I came here because I didn't want you following me into the bathroom." Carefully lifting herself up off of the ground, Chiaki bit her lip as she looked at the trash can that she now needed to take care of, but before she made a single move Hajime jumped in and started lifting the bag out of the can, preparing to tie it. "No, don't toss it out yet, there's some other things that we should throw away too."
"What other things?" he asked, freezing his motion of tying the bag to begin looking around the otherwise clean and proper kitchen. "I don't remember there being anything we needed to throw out right now, and this really needs to go." She pouted for a split second before telling him that he needed to hold off on taking out the trash, before leaving the kitchen, coming back within thirty seconds with a small bag held tightly in her hands. "Where'd that come from?"
"The bathroom. Why I didn't want you to follow me." Her fingers fidgeting around the bag, Chiaki glanced at the half-tied trash in front of Hajime before pushing what she was holding at him, clear hesitance in her actions. "I still don't know how you're going to take this but there's no use in hiding it, since you love me."
He let his eyes linger on the bag she was offering him for a second, the opaque material preventing him from being able to see whatever was inside of it. When he took it from her, she didn't quite give it up right away, her grip staying on it for a moment before she sighed and let go of it completely. Already he had a decent guess as to what everything was about, but he wasn't going to say that to her and ruin all of the secretive behavior she'd been putting on. Instead, he narrowed his eyes at the bag and slowly opened it up, her standing next to him clearly anxious about what he was going to say about what she'd given him. Of all the things he was expecting to see, what he got was about half of them—she'd handed him a bag that was holding a couple empty boxes that once held pregnancy tests. "Where are they? These are just the boxes."
"I didn't want to throw them away, since they…since you…you'll want to see them once you're over being mad about this." She was beginning to look like she was ashamed of what she was telling him, which was the result of him having never told her that he was fine with this direction their lives would be going in. "I've been using one every few days for weeks now, just to see if maybe something's different every time. I know you don't want us to have children because I'm just like a child but…"
"You're not 'just like a child', Chiaki, don't worry. This is…well, it's unexpected and I don't know how I feel about it, but it's all going to be okay!" Hajime had to put on the appearance that he wasn't honestly more thrilled with this than his behavior had given the impression of. "So that's where you went today, I assume? To know about this?"
She gave a weak smile, before nodding. "Yeah, that's what Mikan suggested I do when I told her about the possibility. She was so excited to hear about it, she was telling me that she wants me to go to her for anything that happens because she's just about certified in the field and…oh, Hajime! We're going to be parents!"
Hearing those words come out of Chiaki's mouth filled Hajime with both excitement and dread at the same time—it was something he'd accepted was a possibility for them for a while now but he hadn't actually thought that it would happen after so long of trying. "I figured that's where you were going with this," he told her, throwing the bag he'd been handed into the trash, which he finally tied up and prepared for taking outside. "But now that it's out in the open, things really have to change around here before things happen."
"What do you mean things have to change?" Her head tilting to the side out of curiosity, Chiaki looked at Hajime and waited for him to answer, but he was already staring at her in disbelief at her apparent ignorance. "Oh, I think I get it. It's about my gaming habits, isn't it? I should still be able to play my games, the doctor didn't say that would harm a baby."
"Trust me, playing games is not the thing that has to change. The forgetting to take care of yourself that comes with it, that's what needs to change." It was one of the things that had made him so hesitant to let this happen in the first place, Chiaki's inability to stay completely functional as an adult at all times, and the fact that it took her deeply thinking about things to remember that did not bode well in his mind. "If you want to prove to me that you're capable of being a parent, that's a good place to start."
"You're right, I'll start right there, I promise I'll show you I can do this. Because…there's no going back, I'm not going to let anything bad happen to my baby." Defensively, as if she was trying to protect whatever was growing inside her, Chiaki folded her hands in front of her stomach, looking down to see what she was doing. "I still can't believe that this is actually going to be happening to us, but that's how life works, right? Things just go however they want to go."
Even right then, Hajime didn't have the heart to say that this was something they'd been trying for, whether aware of it or not, for quite some time. "I think you're right, this is just something life wanted to throw at us. And now that means in nine months—"
Chiaki chirped, her whole body bouncing slightly as she made the sound. "Not nine months, that'd be like we made the baby today!" she corrected, excitement in her voice. "Think more like…eight months-ish. Maybe a few days more, maybe a few days less." She smiled at him, as if what she was saying was really a good thing, but the specifics on the math weren't anything he was quite understanding. Rather than explain what she'd learned that day, because she'd also been unaware of how the months and days actually worked, she decided to put it a different way. "The doctor said that the best guess for when this baby will be born is super late April or early May, and that's when we should plan for."
"—okay, so now that means that in late April or early May, we're going to become parents to a kid that's going to be our entire world, because life thinks we're ready for it. Are we ready for it?" He was resisting counting out on his fingers how far off that estimate that he'd just heard was actually off, because something about the numbers and months wasn't adding up in his mind. In that moment the actual numbers didn't matter, what mattered was if Chiaki understood what they were going to be getting into.
"I think by the time we meet them, I'll be ready for it." She was so upbeat, so clearly excited about what she was talking about, that doubting her seemed like a foolish decision to make; however, Hajime knew that he couldn't take Chiaki's words exactly as she said them, not when she was working off of excitement rather than logic. "We've got so much to do before we meet them, though, like making a place for them and getting things for them and…oh, it's going to be so amazing every step of the way!"
He forced a smile, as he finally lifted the trash bag to take it outside and get it out of their sight. "I'm sure it will be, as long as you remember to be serious about everything. The last thing we need is something going wrong because you forget how to be human for a while."
"Please, Hajime, I know how to be a human most days."
"I don't think 'most days' will cut it anymore. All days from here on out, to make sure you're doing what's best for that baby." That was when he walked out of the kitchen and headed outside of the house, leaving her behind to do her own thing, and every step he took outside he felt his soul growing heavier, the reality of what they'd just been discussing sinking down on his shoulders more and more. This was what Chiaki had wanted, her avenue for potentially ridding herself of her little monster, and now they had to wait eight months or so to find out if things were going to be worth it. But the possibility that it wasn't going to do a thing wasn't what was weighing Hajime down, but rather the fact that they were going to be having a child of their own come the following spring. Their lives were never going to be able to be the same from that moment on, but the big change was still months in the future, something they'd be unable to slow their pace towards now that they knew they were headed in that direction.
With a deep breath he tossed the full bag into the dumpster that they shared with several houses around theirs, and slowly he started back towards the house, nearly dragging his feet at that point. It felt wrong to be feeling like he was dreading what was coming, especially when he'd been partially responsible for it in the first place. If he really hadn't wanted a child, he would have made sure to be more careful about things, but he'd let Chiaki's wishes permeate his mind and convince him to give things a shot. She was convinced that this was what was going to be best for her physically, and if it worked he would then have to kick himself for not believing in her sooner.
But between where they were and where they'd find out if it was all for naught or if it worked, there was going to be a lot of time crammed with different changes and things for them to experience, and he had to get into the mindset that this was all going to be okay. Their time as just a couple was going to be coming to an end, and he would need to learn how to be the best father he could be—especially since, no matter what Chiaki would say, he was certain he'd be doing much of the child-raising himself. How they were going to both keep with their careers and have a child between them was something that would need to be worked out in the future, but that was just one bullet-point on a list that was growing longer by the second.
By the time he made it back to the door, he could hear the sounds of a game starting up inside the house, him having not closed the door properly when he'd left so that the sounds inside were permeating through a small, still-open crack. As he stood there listening, he heard Chiaki whistling something over the game's volume, her choice in tune the battle theme to a completely different game, and it hit Hajime that she was completely at peace with what was happening. The fact that she was actually, legitimately pregnant didn't seem to be weighing too much on her, even though she'd been stuck going to an appointment she probably had been scared to attend, and she'd gotten sick at least once (and who knew how many other times that had happened while he wasn't around). She was just living her normal, everyday life and that was what she always did whenever she could, nothing was going to change that,
He pushed the door open to see her sitting in her same spot on the couch, her controller in her hand and her focus entirely on the game she'd started up. "I have a stream I'm running later," she told him when she finally realized he'd come back. "It won't be long, but…I promise I won't say a word about the baby to anyone watching. They aren't going to find out about anything, ever."
"I think that may be a bit extreme," he replied, thinking about how impossible it would be for her to keep that news under wraps forever, when her job required her having a microphone and camera on while she was working. "But if that's what you want to do, then go for it. Make a…" Trailing off as he brought a hand to his mouth, Hajime saw how Chiaki tore her attention off of her game to look at him, a content smile on her lips. She knew where he was going with what he was going to say, and he didn't think he needed to finish it, so he waved it off. "Well, you know where that leads. Have fun."
"You know I will." Her smile grew for a split second before she was back to watching the screen, her fingers rapidly moving over buttons on her controller as she focused back on her gaming. Their lives were relatively peaceful, and things that happened to them were things that always happened, but the baby thing was a huge curveball that they weren't ever going to be used to handling. The coming months were going to be a test on them as people and as lovers, and as Hajime still stood there, watching how focused Chiaki was on playing, he couldn't help but think about how she could possibly be in way over her head with things.
The peaceful life she led was one that was not going to be able to remain the same over time, not unless she went back on her promise to change. That wouldn't be exactly in line for her to do, but at the same time it would make perfect sense if she decided that she liked being a video game streamer more than a caring mother, and pushed off her responsibilities onto him instead. He wouldn't be surprised if she did that, but he really hoped that she wouldn't and that she'd defy his expectations on the matter.
Their night went on as expected. He cooked a meal that ended up being for himself, because Chiaki was too busy with her streaming to step away to eat, the biggest behavior that he knew was going to have to change quickly if she wanted to keep their child healthy. As always while she was on stream, he stayed out of her shot and didn't let himself be seen or heard by anyone who may have been watching her playing, but while he was eating dinner he sat nearby and listened to how passionate, how into her game that she was. The game in question was a strategy fighting game that she was playing through because of someone who followed her buying it for her, and she was enjoying it every second, but whenever she'd get frustrated and her normally soft voice would raise a tick to convey that frustration, he'd feel himself tense up slightly. That level of anger couldn't be harmful, but what if she got angrier? Would that be detrimental to their child? Or was he just worrying too much?
Consulting the internet for answers did nothing to calm his mind, as for every person saying things would be fine, there was one with the opposite information. As far as he could tell, no one knew for certain what would happen, and the only way to find out was to see for themselves over time. But the idea of finding out that something was wrong with the child at any point did not help make anything easier to accept, and all Hajime wanted was for everything to be perfect, for Chiaki to find the physical peace she was looking for and make good on her word about changing her ways, and for their family to work out exactly as a normal family would.
He could feel it in his heart that the coming months were going to be the longest, most stressful months of his life as everything piled onto him during them, and he wasn't sure if there was actually going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Even as he went to bed that night, alone because Chiaki was still playing her game on stream, all he could think about was every possible thing that could go wrong in the near future, and any attempts he made to combat those thoughts with positives led him to jumping to worse conclusions. He wasn't doing himself any favors, and if he was stressing out then there wasn't going to be anyone around thinking rationally, which would just make matters worse.
The road to parenthood was never going to be straight and narrow, it was always going to be a wild ride, and unfortunately for him, he wasn't the one who was the greatest at enduring those curves as they happened. Until that child was in their care—and maybe past that—he wasn't going to properly rest a single moment.
A/N: look I started this back in...September? I think? with full intentions of posting it today. and so I managed to make that happen! of course, this is just the beginning and you'll have to just check back in the near future to read what happens next! :3c