How could I have FUCKING done this...
To my the love of my life, my fiancé, my son, my DAUGHTER, his mother...
"You're a whore, Altman...a fucking WHORE" I say out loud to myself over and over.
I'm standing paralyzed once again in our bedroom. My simple white dress on, with my hair and makeup still in tact...but I'm broken. I screwed up EVERYTHING, because I never fucking went to therapy like I should have MONTHS ago, when I started to feel unwell again.
I've suffered from PTSD for years, even before the war. After losing my parents, and Allison? That's when it started. I saw a shrink briefly before enlisting, but that didn't do much help. You know what helped? Meeting Owen.
Owen saved me from a grief so huge, it saved my life. I couldn't bare the thought of being in Iraq any longer and living without Allison that I seriously considered taking my own life. It would be simple, I had guns at my disposal. One click. Done.
But Owen, beautiful, sweet, kind, LOYAL, Owen...saved me.
And he became the father of my first child, my fiancé, and now look where we are.
I don't even know if he knows...he has to. There's no way he would call off our wedding for a surgery, no way at all.
But he won't return my calls or texts. Tom kept texting me and I was so angry I finally replied with a cold and simple,
"Fuck you."
But it's not all his fault. I spread my legs for him. Because I'm too messed up to think straight these days. But it's not an excuse...but then again, could it be? What the hell is wrong with me? Tom is vile, disrespectful and cocky. He's not even that good in bed...the sounds and screams I let out tonight? Owen was the only thing on my mind. Owen is the only person who can make me feel THAT deeply emotionally and physically.
But the thing is, Tom always treated ME well. But that shouldn't have mattered. How he treats EVERYONE should have made my decision right then and there. He's a fucking bastard, and he's ruined my life. Our lives.
"No Teddy, Tom didn't ruin your life. You did that all by yourself..." my mind tells me.
I scream out in pain. I hate myself. What the hell am I going to do now? I've destroyed and/or lost every good thing in my life. Every goddamn thing.
Allison. My daughter...the only person who could bring me any sort of comfort right now and I feel like I can't even look at her because I've betrayed her too. I've destroyed my daughters life before she's even turned a year old.
How could I have done this...
I have to get out of here. I need to run away. I have to stop causing so much pain to the people I claim to love.
"Owen,
I know you know. I am so, deeply, immensely sorry. You didn't deserve this, and I don't deserve you. None of you do. Especially our children. I know they'll be much happier without me in their lives, fucking them up every chance I get. You're an amazing father, and I know they'll be happy with you. Especially our little girl. Do whatever you want to Tom, I hate him probably even more than you do at this point.
Again, I am so sorry. And no matter what you choose to believe going forward, I love you so goddamn much, but I let my fear and pain get the best of me.
I love you Owen.
This is goodbye.
Teddy."
I leave the note on his side of the bed, grab a small bag of belongings and go to kiss my children goodbye one last time.
"Mama?" Leo asks.
"I'm so sorry bunny. I'll always love you." I say, kissing the top of his wild curls.
Allison is in the next room, cooing and starting to cry. I think she smells or hears me.
"Oh, Al. My baby..." my throat burns as the tears come down my cheeks rapidly.
Allison starts to cry as she sees I'm crying.
"You are my greatest gift, Allison Evelyn. My greatest love. But you need and deserve better than me. I know you'll be happier and safer without me in the long run..." I kiss the top of her head and hold her tight for a few more moments before I finally let her go.
"Teddy, where are you going? Honey, why are you crying?" Evelyn appears in the doorway, looking immensely concerned.
I wipe away my tears.
"I'm sorry, Evelyn. But I have to go. Owen will explain everything..."
And I rush past Evelyn, and out the door. Completely unsure of where I'll end up next...because my life is over.