Going It Alone

Chapter One – An ending

She rose out of bed, the first one to awake. Next to her Josh was still sleeping. He had had a difficult surgery that day. So after dinner, they just went to sleep. She had wanted sex and sent him all the signals. But he had said he was out of it that night after a very tough procedure which he had been lead surgeon. The few times they got together when their schedules allowed, Josh was always eager for carnal contact, but after almost one year of being together, Kate wondered if they were on the wane. Recently, Josh had lost his desire for sex with her. He had for the most part been the one to initiate their sessions. Something was up with him and she planned to find out. She would have that 'talk' with him after breakfast. She grabbed her robe to cover her nite wear of shorts with camisole and went to her kitchen to prepare breakfast.

Josh Davidson came out of a deep and restful recovery sleep to the smell of bacon and coffee. He knew it was Kate doing the morning after breakfast, except this time they had done nothing but sleep as earlier it had been a trying surgery for him. Still, he needed to tell Kate what he had been struggling to tell her for the last couple weeks.

"Hey there, you up now, that was a long sleep. I hope it did you well since you were so tired last night," greets Kate to her boyfriend.

"Yeah, it was a great sleep, I feel renewed. I see you have breakfast ready, thank you Kate", he gives her a small peck to her cheek before sitting down for breakfast.

Breakfast for the most part is a silent affair. Neither of them doing much talking as each are involved with their own thoughts. As they finish breakfast, both speak out at the same time.

"Kate, I want to tell you something", "Josh we need to talk", they both say simultaneously.

"Sorry for that Kate, you go first", reacts Josh to their overlapping declarations.

"No, no, I yield the floor to you, speak your mind", she tells him

" Kate, I met someone during my DWB missions, and it has gotten serious. I can no longer do this", he says as the points a finger to her and then to himself to emphasize what it is he can no longer continue with.

Kate is stunned. True he had been an absentee boyfriend and she had told him many a time that she felt neglected when he left for his missions, but the times they were together had been passionate and she genuinely had strong affections for Josh. She did not love him, but she knew with time she would get there. But now it appears they were at an ending.

"Who is she Josh?"

"She is a nurse, an OR nurse from my DWB missions, her name is…."

"No….just stop there. I don't want to know her name. How could you Josh? I have given you everything. I have been faithful to you, but it seems you have not been the same to me."

"No Kate, it is not like that. I have not slept with her. It started out as friends and associates, but grew to something more. I knew her way before I met you. We were just good friends but the last time we were together, we made out. It was passionate, but I stopped it before it could lead to something. I told her I was in a serious relationship, and needed to take care of that before we went any further."

"What was her reaction to your comment."

"She said she understood and did not want me to push any further. She said I needed to sort out what I wanted and that for her, it was not sudden. She had these feelings for me for sometime now. She said if I wanted to stay in my current relationship, she would understand, and not let it go any further. But we have talked over the phone on this since then and we both want to continue."

"I see. So you have stronger feelings for her than me. Was I not good enough for you?"

"No Kate, you are a great girlfriend. No man could want more. And that is why this has been so difficult. I have had this need to tell you for weeks now, but always chickened out each time. But I knew I could not let you go any further with the hope we could be more than what we are. I do have strong feelings for you Kate, but it is not love. And to be truthful, we have both held back. We both have had one foot out the door. But I can not do this anymore."

"I see, well, please get dressed and then take what little you have in the dresser drawer I let you use. Best we end this now."

Josh goes to the bedroom to get dressed and then collect the few items of clothing he has with her.

When Josh leaves her to herself, Kate looks around her apartment and realizes there are no pictures of her and Josh together. The apartment is completely void of his images. She does not even carry a picture of him in her purse. The only picture of Josh that she has is on her cell and it only appears when she gets a call from him. And yet, there are pictures of her and Castle. Candid shots from the precinct, at the Old Haunt, and from the crime scenes. What did that say of her relationship with Josh? He was correct, they both had had one foot out the door. It was as if they both knew their union would get no further than dinners and sleep-overs. She recalls how she had met him.

She had gone shopping at one of her favorite Harley stores for new leathers to wear on her bike rides. She had started riding again more frequently as a means to forget Rick Castle. He had rejected her to startup again with his second ex-wife Gina. She had at the time gotten together with Tom Demming, the hot robbery detective, but had broke it off, thinking she wanted a chance with Rick. But he had already moved on in his rekindled relationship with Gina.

As she left the store with her purchase, she got on her bike but before she could start it, the rider on the bike parked next to her spoke, "That is a great bike. It is a classic, and you have kept it in good condition."

"Why thank you, yours is not so bad either, the latest Harley Fat boy, you have good taste."

"Do you belong to a riding club? I'm Josh by the way, Josh Davidson."

"Kate, Kate Beckett, and no I am not a member of any riding club."

Reaching into his pocket for a calling card, he says, "Well, I belong to one of the best ones in the state. It is very exclusive, you can only get in on recommendation by a member. I would love to recommend you, as we have very few female riders", he hands her his card.

"Well thank you Josh, let me think about it", Kate replies taking his card.

Two weeks later she called him about joining the club. What got her to join the Club was that she had been thinking of Rick continually and just needed to get her mind off him. She thought the club would be her distraction.

She comes out of her thoughts just as Josh exits the bedroom with a carrying bag of the few clothes he had at her apartment.

"Kate, let's stay friends. I do have feelings for you and want us to be friends despite this", she allows Josh to enter her space and plant a kiss softly to her lips.

"You were right Josh, we were not to be, I see it now. I hope she is the one for you."

"You'll find him Kate. You will find the one meant for you. But Kate, one word from a friend, how about Castle? You two are so good together. I know you don't want to mix business with your private life, but I see there is something for the both of you there."

'What about Rick?', she thought. But after Ellie Monroe and then Gina, she felt that Rick had moved on. She knew deep down that she wanted to be in something more than a professional partnership with Rick Castle, but he was taken, again, by his second ex-wife. She would not pursue it any further. She just had to get rid of these feelings and thoughts she had for him. After Tom Demming, after Josh Davidson, she still longed for him. What did that mean?

She dismissed the thoughts immediately and got on with her day. One that would prove to be long and difficult.