Here is a rewrite, somewhat, of Anna/John's storyline in season 5 episode 6. I didn't love how that entire scenario that started with the button box played out. So this is just my take on how else it could have gone. The beginning is straight out of the show, but then it diverts. There are quotes directly from the show. It still keeps the same theme, but in a different way. Oh, I also wrote a scene I felt was missing from this episode in another story called Not Your Fault. So I didn't add any of that, which I felt was also missing, here. Enjoy!
Button Box
It started with a simple offer and a simple request.
"I'm just nipping to the cottage. I've left my button box," Anna breathlessly informed Mrs. Hughes. But then the bell rang.
"Oh, that's Lady Mary, Anna. She must want something before lunch." Anna sighed, but John came up to her and gave her a small smile.
"You go. I'll fetch it."
"Would you? Thank you."
And of course he would. He would do anything for her from a simple grab of something to the cottage to fetching the stars and anything in between.
On his journey back toward the cottage, he thought of how quiet it was. It was a nice day out and he enjoyed seeing the sunshine. Often they journeyed too late at night to enjoy the weather of the day. His cane hit against the ground and he thought of how he wished Anna was walking next to him, so they could talk about their day.
Reaching their cottage, he unlatched the door and stepped inside. He had a clear goal, but it didn't stop him from grabbing a few of the biscuits Anna had prepared the night before. He sighed in content as the sweet morsel hit his tongue. Anna had a way with biscuits.
Continuing his nibbling, John stepped toward the first drawers he could find to search for the box. He realized he had not asked Anna where it was and that he had no idea. So he opened random drawers and random cabinets. He was about to give up when he found a tin box inside one of the drawers. Thinking it may hold her button box, John opened up the top of it. What he found inside was not at all what he expected. His hand pulled the small white box and black book out. His heart constricted within his chest.
What was Anna doing with these? Opening the book he saw it was called Married Love: A New Contribution to the Solution of Sex Difficulties. John's hand fell from the page and his jaw tightened.
Was this why after all this time there was no Baby Bates? He felt the anger blooming inside of him and he harshly shut the book. Breathing heavily, he placed the two items back into the box and placed them into the drawer.
Rationale was gone and anger had completely taken over. She thought he was a killer. She had so little faith in him. In his anger, he didn't take a moment to think about any other reason why she would have these items in their home.
The anger had hit him suddenly. It blinded him.
As the day continued on, any time he saw Anna, his eyes just cut into her. She would shift slightly, unsure of what that could have been about, but then continue on about her day. It wasn't until later when he saw her in the boot room, that he finally let his anger escape.
Anna had come in speaking about going to the cottage to read before dinner and about Lady Edith, but John hadn't heard any of that. His thoughts were still zooming around his head, angry.
"Will you please tell me what is the matter?" The lightness and smile on her face only angered him more.
"I couldn't find your button box," he surly informed her.
"I'd forgotten all about it," Anna simply said, not sure why that would upset him so greatly. "Oh well. Never mind, it'll turn up."
"I did look," he continued.
"I'm sure you did," she offered him a smile.
"I looked in all the cupboards and I found some other things," he added, his anger growing even more.
"Oh yes?" Anna's smile faded, the interrogative way of his voice was making her uncomfortable.
"Yes. I found a book by Marie Stopes and a box containing a cunning piece of equipment to ensure there would be no Baby Bates."
Anna's face had fallen, but not to sadness. She herself was angry, angry that he would assume so harshly of her. So instead of explaining, she bit back.
"And I'm supposed to applaud your poking around in my things, am I?"
"Now just a minute. It is not for you to be angry with me. It is for me to be angry with you." Anna's back straightened up. No, she wouldn't let him assume those things of her and get off Scott free.
"How do you make that out?"
"You tell me are longing for a child, that it's in the hands of God," he reminds her. "But you seem to have put it in the very practiced hands of Miss Stopes."
Anna felt her anger growing, but she decided to defend herself.
"You're wrong. It's not like that."
"Then what is it like," he nearly snapped. Footsteps made Anna's head turn and she spoke to Lilly, but decided not to continue on with her conversation with John. It would only get uglier at the moment. Neither was level headed enough to see the truth.
Watching Anna leave the room, John's anger grew larger than he could have expected. It's not like that, she had said. What else could it be like? There was no other explanation than the fact that she didn't want his child. Something she had been telling him for so long that she wanted. His blood boiled. He finished up in the boot room and then went off to do his next chore, hopeful to allow himself to calm down some.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
A little while later, while John walked down the hallway upstairs, he paused when he heard Anna's voice coming out from the nursery. His brows furrowed. He had never known her to spend time with the children unless she happened to be with Lady Mary.
Peeking in, he saw the back of her, sitting down on her knees and speaking to little Sybbie. The small girl giggled at something Anna had said to her. He watched as Anna's hand came up to brush along the side of Sybbie's cheek to push some hair out of her face. The sight made his shoulders square and jaw tighten.
But then Anna's body turned so he could see her face and his entire demeanor changed right then and there. There was a sense of longing on Anna's features, a sadness. He now felt like a fool for being so quick to jump on her without knowing the facts.
In all of their time together, she had always stood by him, believed him in the worst of situations. And if that device was hers, maybe she had good reason to feel the need to use it. The past two years had been hell for her. She had made progress. They had finally come back to their sense of normality. Perhaps, however, she wasn't ready for a child and had been too afraid to tell him.
He didn't pretend to understand the ins and outs that his wife must still face after what the snake had done to her. What if deep down she did want a child, but fear had taken over? Anna had never lied to him before, except for when she was attacked. And in that moment, she had lied to protect him, not herself. She had never lied in a selfish way in order to deceive him.
He realized in that moment that he hadn't given his wife credit. His wife wasn't Vera. No, Vera was the type who would have done something like this for her own selfish gain to hurt him in the process. But not Anna. Never Anna.
Of course, he had to think of the other reason why she may not want his child: the death of Alex Green. If she thought he had anything to do with Green's death, she may fear to have a child with John. Afraid for the same reasons that John decided not to go and find him that fateful day. He had known if he killed him, he would hang. He was okay with dying, if it meant that bastard could never hurt his wife again. However, he realized that hanging would only hurt Anna more and he could never do that to her.
He had kept the ticket in his pocket as proof he hadn't gone. Then he never spoke of it again. But perhaps that had been the wrong choice. Anna was clearly still living in fear and that fear wasn't of Green. No, it was of what he could have done to him. He should have told her. He hadn't to protect her. Wrongly, he had assumed that letting her know that he knew who the man was would hurt her more. But hiding his own truth was what was hurting them both.
"Bates? Isn't she so great with the children?" Mary's voice broke his thoughts. "She sometimes entertains them when I have to run an errand."
"She is, m'lady. She's wonderful with them."
Shaking his head, he gave Mary a tight nod and then went on his way. Tonight, he would make this better. Tonight, he would tell Anna the truth. And tonight, he would apologize for his behavior today. She wasn't Vera and he had no right to treat her as such.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
On the walk home that evening, Anna was quiet. John couldn't blame her, not really. He decided he would wait until they were back at their cottage so the two could speak freely. His face had softened, but he knew Anna didn't notice. She was angry now. He hadn't trusted her.
Once they reached their threshold, John opened his mouth to speak, but Anna was the one who began.
"But what would I want with such a thing?" She immediately asked him. Her lower lip trembling with anger. John turned up the lamp and then turned to her. He sighed.
"I'm sorry," he told her. "I'm so very sorry, Anna. You're right. I have jumped to conclusions and it wasn't fair of me."
His change of behavior surprised Anna. Her shoulders tightened and brows furrowed.
"So, you believe that it's not mine?" She asked.
"I believe that if it is yours, you have a good reason," John carefully answered. He wanted to give her space for the truth, but he knew he would have to tread cautiously, because he may not like the answer.
"No, it…it isn't mine. All I have ever dreamed of is having your child," Anna expressed. John reached out and took her hands within her own.
"I know," he murmured. "But if you aren't ready, because of…." His words trailed off, unable to speak it. He cleared his throat and added, "I'll understand." Anna's head shook.
"I'm serious, John. It isn't mine," she repeated again. "I am ready to have your child. I want it so badly. Sometimes I fear it'll never happen," Anna quietly admitted. John's heart dropped. It was a fear he had as well. All this time and no babies between them.
"I believe you," he answered strongly. "I overreacted."
"Yes," Anna agreed. "You did." She took in a deep breath, her eyes still cautious. John kept his hands on hers and he knew that he still needed to tell her the truth. It was time.
"I know," he said quietly, in the same way that he had spoken to her in the boot room all those many months ago. Anna's lower lip twitched, but her head shook.
"What…what do you know?"
"I know that it was Green," he said.
"How…" her voice hitched in her throat and she pulled her hands away from his, stepping back. "How long have you known that it was him?" Her entire face contorted as she tried to withhold a sob. Tears had sprung to her eyes. John swallowed hard. It was in this moment that he realized just how much pain she was still carrying inside.
"I've known since the first day I heard that it had happened," he answered, but he was careful with his words. Seeing her falling, he didn't want to make her fall harder. He stepped closer to her and her head shook, terror all over her face.
"No," she cried, "You may have suspected, but you…you didn't know."
"I knew when he came back," John was able to take Anna's hands back within his own. Anna was barely holding it together. But he had to continue to explain. He told her when exactly he knew and Anna let out a sob.
"I kept telling myself you didn't know so it couldn't have been you…."
"I didn't kill him, Anna," he quickly said. Anna's eyes quickly met his and she breathed out.
"You…you didn't?"
"No, I wanted to," he honestly told her. "And I was going to. But when the time came, I couldn't do it."
"Why not?" Anna's lower lip trembled. John ran his thumbs over her knuckles.
"Because I couldn't do that to you. I love you, Anna. And killing him would have hurt you," he responded. He brought one of his hands up to her face and cupped her cheek. "I'm sorry."
"Why….why are you apologizing?" Anna hiccupped.
"I have let you worry about this for far too long. I should have told you the truth in the first place," John's head shook. "I thought I was protecting you, but all I did was hurt you more."
Anna's body shook with the aftershocks of the sobs. "I'm so relieved."
"I know, my darling. And I'm sorry, for overreacting today, not giving you the chance to explain," John said. Anna sniffled.
"It's alright."
"It's not," John replied. "If it's not yours, I assume it's Lady Mary's?" Anna's lips curled up into a nervous smile.
"Yes, but don't you start asking questions about why she had it, Mr. Bates," Anna lightly teased, as another shudder ran through her back. John brought both of his hands to her upper arms and ran up and down them, in an attempt to soothe her.
"I wouldn't dream of it, my darling," he murmured. Anna sighed, before stepping closer to John and wrapping her arms around his frame. John cupped her head with his and held her tightly.
"We will have a child one day," John promised her.
"Don't go making promises you can't keep," Anna said into his chest.
"I'm not. We will, Anna," he more strongly stated. Anna laughed against him and sat up.
"Full of optimism, now are we?" Anna playfully asked.
"It's easy when I'm married to you. Now, shall we have some biscuits and tea before bed?" Anna's lips curled into a smile.
"Absolutely."
John sat back and watched Anna as she walked into the kitchen, a smile spreading over his face.
"Mr. Bates!" Anna scolded. "Where are the biscuits!?"
John let out a nervous chuckle. He had forgotten that he had eaten them all earlier. Anna stepped through the door and gave him a pointed look.
"Care to explain yourself?"
"They were very good," John sweetly said. Anna's lips twitched up and into a smile, before shaking her head at him.
"Glad you enjoyed them. I guess it's just tea for tonight then."
John walked closer to her and grabbed at her wrist.
"Oh I can think of something else for dessert tonight, Mrs. Bates" he said with a twinkle in his eye. Anna laughed.
"Don't be naughty, Mr. Bates."
"Oh, but it's fun, my darling."
"It is," Anna agreed. John bent over and caught Anna's lips with his own. "I'm ready for bed," Anna told him. John smiled.
"Me too, my darling. Let's go on up."
The End