TITLE: To You, My Heart I Surrender
RELATIONSHIP: WangXian
SUMMARY:
Lan Wangji travelled the world with a shadow on his soul, intangible yet heavy, patiently (agonisingly) counting the minutes till he might meet with his beloved again.
Or, Lan Zhan, through the years, without and with his Wei Ying.
NOTES: Lyrics from My Heart I Surrender - I Prevail, Atlas - Shannon Saunders, Start Again - One Republic, Beautiful Mess - Kristian Kostov, I Found - Amber Run
1. i'm a ghost in your eyes; a shadow you can't seem to recognize
Lan Wangji didn't notice the way his brother closed his eyes and turned away, unable to watch as his little brother wasted away, when he drifted through the Cloud Recesses like a living ghost. He didn't care to listen to his brother's pleas, his voice trembling almost imperceptibly, when Lan Wangji struggled to feel something, anything, other than this freezing numbness that seeped through his very being.
Wangji, please, you should eat something. Wangji, can you hear me? Brother, don't leave me. Please, please, do not go where I can not follow. A-Zhan, come back. A-Yuan needs you, I need you.
For thirteen years, Lan Wangji had survived without Wei Wuxian, each day a trial, each minute weighing on him, threatening to drag him under, as his torn heart called out for its lost mate.
Even though it was oh-so-tempting, he couldn't give in to the promise of bliss that the eternal sleep would provide him. He had A-Yuan to care for, the only thing left of Wei Wuxian, the child whose very presence had never failed to light up Wei Wuxian's eyes. So, care for the young one, he would.
For Wei Ying, and maybe, just maybe, just a little bit, for himself too.
2. and i can't count the times
i stayed awake pretending you were mine
now i'm left here with this emptiness inside
He wandered the world for thirteen years, a lonely god, always where the chaos was, because a small part of him still held a kernel of hope for the impossible, but also because, once upon a time, a promise was made by the brightest soul Lan Wangji had ever been blessed to meet. A promise that he himself had echoed.
Now, even though Wei Wuxian wasn't there anymore, Lan Wangji would uphold the promise on behalf of them both.
Travelling to different lands, chasing after different problems, helping out different people... Lan Wangji couldn't help but wonder how the journey would have been if there had been another presence alongside him; he couldn't help but turn his head at every red ribbon fluttering in the wind, at every melody originating from a flute; he couldn't help but close his eyes against the ever-present sharp ache of loss and helpless longing.
Lan Wangji travelled the world with a shadow on his soul, intangible yet heavy. He struggled everyday to breathe through the weight crushing him, cherished the time with his - their - son, patiently (agonisingly) counted the minutes till he might meet with his beloved again, even as his heart chanted the name of his lost love, with its every beat.
3. will our stars ever align?
will two hearts, beat in time?
A shiver skated over his spine, that night at Mo's Manor. He whipped around, chasing that elusive feeling, the voices of the Junior disciples falling to the background.
The trail of a black robe disappeared around the corner and Lan Wangji's heart raced.
Could it be? After all these years?
'Wei Ying', Lan Wangji thought, that tiny, fragile bud of hope struggling to bloom after years of darkness pressing upon it.
'Wei Ying, is that you?'
4. i have a thought of you for every star in the sky
The melody that was once sung in a cave, only known to two people, resonated in the air, carried by the wings of possibility, and Lan Wangji realised then why hope was such a treacherous thing. He knew then that if this was another false hope (but it can't be), he might not survive it.
'That tune - Wangxian... Wei Ying? Please...'
After years of being hollow, how does one adapt to a life where every breath is not a chore, where the world has color again, where one can hear the songs of the birds, feel the joy of being alive?
Looking into those mischievous, twinkling eyes, crinkled at the corners in good humour, Lan Wangji felt his own lips curl in a miniscule smile. He let that dearly missed golden laughter wash over him, filling all the dark shadows in his soul with brilliant light, as his traitorous heart fluttered in his chest like a humming bird.
Wei Wuxian was alive, and warm and- Lan Wangji? He couldn't ask for anything more
For the first time in thirteen years, since a beautiful light was snuffed out by a world that was too cruel, too greedy, too jealous of its most precious child, Lan Wangji felt that the world was just that much brighter, the air that much sweeter and his heart that much lighter.
5. chasing love that can never be mine
maybe one day you'll realize
Lan Wangji remembered what Wei Wuxian had said, boldly, unabashedly, once before, a long time ago.
If I, Wei Wuxian, wanted to kill someone, who can stop me? Who would dare stop me?
Then, Wei Wuxian had been full of a righteous rage, burning at the injustice committed by the Lanling Jin Sect. Lan Wangji remembered the fear he had felt then, watching the one who had captivated him, the one who had captured his heart effortlessly and unknowingly, taunt people who were allies in the loosest sense and toe the line between what was redeemable and what was not.
(He also remembers the way Wei Wuxian had slowed down as he had walked past Lan Wangji and their eyes had met, brimming with things unspoken and misunderstood. Lan Wangji had wished, then and years later, frequently, that he had followed his heart, both in thought and deed. Maybe if he had been there with Wei Wuxian in Qiongqi Path, maybe if he had been there when Wen Ning was found, barely clinging to life, when Wei Wuxian had freed the Wens, maybe, maybe, maybe...)
More than anyone, Lan Wangji knew just how capable Wei Wuxian was, that he could protect himself very well with the way the resentful energy answered his call, curling around him like an affectionate cat, twirling his hair and whipping his robes in the wind playfully. But that didn't stop Lan Wangji from wanting to keep Wei Wuxian safe from harm and heartbreak.
As far as the Second Jade of Lan was concerned, the world and the people in it had done enough to hurt Wei Wuxian. He would not stand by and watch as the world once again took and took and took till Wei Wuxian, a once vivacious inferno, sputtered out like a lit candle wick in the wind. (Not again. Never again.)
To protect Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji would fight the very demons inhabiting hell. Facing off against the cultivators of different sects? There wasn't even a second of hesitation.
When Wei Wuxian pushed him away and told him to stay away so that he would be safe - Lan Wangji did not realise it was possible for his heart to feel this full of love (for this amazing, kind, selfless man in front of him, willing to accept blame, regardless of whether it was deserved or not, just to make sure Hanguang Jun's reputation wouldn't be tainted) that he couldn't breathe.
He had once been on the opposing side to Wei Wuxian. He had promised himself that he would never again make such a mistake. (The regret had eaten him alive, when he knew that things would have gone differently if he had been by Wei Wuxian's side. Lan Xichen's face had contorted in soul-deep grief when his little brother had pleaded and begged and promised and apologised to empty air, drunk out of his mind, deaf to his elder brother's hoarse entreaties, his once pristine white robes now streaked with crimson, both at the back and front, with the whip marks bleeding anew, the scabs torn open, to match the red burn mark branded on his chest, over his heart.)
It was with a clear mind and a light heart that Lan Wangji withdrew Bichen from its sheath, and stood by Wei Wuxian's side, as he should be, rightfully and always.
6. when you're losing faith, but finding hope
it lights your face, that helps me cope
Wei Wuxian was akin to a star, the sun. He burned so bright, warming everyone around him, giving them life, by his sheer presence, setting himself alight just so he can provide the ones he loves with just a bit more.
Thirteen years ago, Lan Wangji had been helpless as he watched the centre of his universe collapse inwards, giving everything to people who didn't deserve his resilient loyalty and undiminished love. Wei Wuxian had always burned too bright, too quickly, too recklessly, but that's what made him him.
At Burial Mounds, facing the overwhelming number of corpses, protecting Wei Wuxian from harm as the Yiling Patriarch started a haunting melody to lure them towards himself, his body decorated as the bait without a second of hesitation, Lan Wangji almost smiled despite the morbid atmosphere.
He didn't know if his brother was alive and well (a dull ache spread through him at that thought), he didn't know what the next steps would be once they got out of this mess, but he did know that Wei Wuxian was there beside him (not against, never again against), trusting wholeheartedly that Lan Wangji would protect him.
The warmth of the life beside him gave him courage, filled him with determination and flooded him with an inexplicable feeling, like his heart was too big for his chest.
With a sharp slash of Bichen, and the flute weaving a darkly captivating tune, the battle was on.
7. you see my world is spinning like there's nothing to know
you see my world is feeling like it just might explode
Hearing how Wei Wuxian had given Jiang Wanyin his golden core made Lan Wangji feel like his heart was breaking anew.
'Wei Ying,' he thought, agony rippling through him. 'I should have known. Every time something wasn't right, every time you deflected my suspicion with humour and anger. I should have known.'
Hearing Jiang Wanyin's denial and disbelief, the kind that one makes when they know that things make a horrifying amount of sense but they don't want it to, lit an inferno of rage within Lan Wangji. He was done with Jiang Wanyin, his selective blindness, his words designed to purposefully hurt Wei Wuxian, and his inability to see how much Wei Wuxian was not okay.
Lan Wangji knew that no matter how many hurtful words Jiang Wanyin hurled, with the same terrifying capability with which he wielded Zidian, he would always be considered family by Wei Wuxian. That was the only reason Lan Wangji didn't give into the fury that thrummed in his veins, fed by the anguish that caused tears to streak unbidden down his face.
In a very distant part of his mind, Lan Wangji understood that the very foundation on which Jiang Wanyin had based his life on for more than a decade had crumbled like a dry sand castle at the onslaught of a huge wave. Jiang Wanyin had hated the idea of demonic cultivation and the idea of the Yiling Patriarch. Lan Wangji even suspected that the Sect Leader Jiang had pushed all thoughts of his brother and the happier times with his siblings away, unable to deal with the contradiction of the joyful past and the dreadfully tempestuous present stretching out into a miserable future, till he was swallowed by sorrow and heartbreak and helpless fury.
Understanding Jiang Wanyin didn't make Lan Wangji's murderous thoughts any less potent when Wei Wuxian was in his arms, unconscious, a thin trail of blood visible starkly against his deathly pale skin, from his nosebleed that had nearly caused Lan Wangji's heart to stop beating in dread.
Wei Wuxian was his first concern and priority. Jiang Wanyin can take a hike off one of Lotus Pier's docks, with a boulder tied to his ankle.
8. even in the line of fire, when everything is on the wire
even up against the wall, our love is untouchable
After the events at the Guanyin Temple, Lan Wangji was relieved. And so very exhausted. The entire ordeal had been a rollercoaster of emotions- the relief and confusion at seeing Lan Xichen in the temple, the terror of seeing the wire cutting into Wei Wuxian's neck, the sudden sense of loss as he sealed away his own spiritual power to keep Wei Wuxian safe, the low simmering wrath that pumped through his veins as Jin Guangyao put the ones he loved under emotional torture, the overwhelming pride and confidence in Wei Wuxian's capability and mastery over resentful energy, the sense of satisfaction when Bichen sliced through Jin Guangyao's arm...
Lan Wangji deliberately inhaled and slowly let it all out.
He looked at the way Wei Wuxian's shoulders were relaxed, in a way it hadn't been in a long while. It must have been freeing, in a way, to realise that no, he wasn't directly responsible for the death of his family. And the awkward way both Jiang Wanyin and Wei Wuxian glanced at each other, both wanting to reach out but too hesitant to do so.
Lan Wangji hid a smile.
Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin would be fine. It would take time and reopening old wounds that had festered, for the proper healing to take place. But they had been brothers once before, and brothers they would be once again.
Speaking of brothers... Lan Wangji was filled with grief and a fresh wave of anger at the now-dead Jin Guangyao on seeing the helpless expression on Lan Xichen's face. The desolation that was evident in his eyes felt so wrong.
Lan Xichen was always meant for happiness.
While Lan Wangji was expressionless most of the time, his face looking like it was carved out of ice, Lan Xichen was supposed to be calm eyes with a hidden sparkle, a genuine smile full of contentment and a spine made of steel. Looking at the shattered version of his brother, Lan Wangji wished Jin Guangyao was yet alive just so he could have the pleasure of ripping his soul out.
Lan Wangji closed his eyes, tilting his face up to feel the dawn's caress on his brow.
9. and i've moved further than i thought i could
but i missed you more than i thought i would
Lan Wangji was appointed the Chief Cultivator by unanimous, popular decision. After all, he was Hanguang Jun. If they couldn't trust him with this position, no one else would be worthy.
No one, other than the people who were very close to Lan Wangji, knew that he did not want this responsibility or any responsibility, really, that would cause him to stay away from Wei Wuxian, the one he had waited for for thirteen excruciating years. But he was a Lan, and he knew his duty. And so, he gracefully accepted his charge, even as his heart wept.
Because he knew. Lan Wangji knew what should happen now.
Wei Wuxian was a free spirit. And now, he was truly free to travel the world as his heart desired. Lan Wangji would never restrict him, but he had hoped (futilely) to travel the path with him. But now, it seemed like their roads had to diverge once more.
It felt awfully like the last time he parted from Wei Wuxian. Only, this time, even Lan Sizhui wouldn't be in Cloud Recesses as he was going to travel with Wen Ning as his companion.
Lan Wangji kept reminding himself that this time Wei Wuxian was alive, that this time they would be in touch through letters, that this time, Wei Wuxian wasn't going to a place where Lan Wangji couldn't follow.
(It still didn't prevent the loneliness from threatening to swallow him whole, a yawing chasm opening up in the middle of his chest.)
The days Lan Wangji spent with Wei Wuxian before they parted ways were memories that Lan Wangji would cherish forever, the fondness and adoration in Wei Wuxian's eyes caused an enriching warmth to settle in his bones, lighting him up from within.
For now, this would be enough.
'As long as the sea is bound to wash up on the sand and stars are above you, we will meet again.'
Lan Wangji clutched these words close, an anchor against the ever-present dull ache that had bloomed into being the very second Lan Wangji took the first step away from Wei Wuxian.
He knew (hoped) that Wei Wuxian would come back to him. He would wait till he did.
(He had waited for thirteen years. What's some more compared to those hellish years when life had almost no meaning and the world was a drab, gray void?)
In the meantime, he would do his duty as he ought to. And if the sweet, yearning melody of a song, nameless to others but whose name was embedded in Lan Wangji's very soul, drifted through the Cloud Recesses every night, no one spoke up.
If Lan Wangji woke up in the middle of the night, almost every night, hands reaching for something - someone - always just out of reach, a name falling out of his numb lips, full of an inexplicable yearning... Well, the jingshi had always held its secrets (hours and hours upon Inquiry, a jar empty of alcohol rolling away as the smell of burnt flesh pervaded the air, a young voice calling for Xian-ge in the throes of fever, countless whispers of 'Wei Ying' and 'Please' and 'Come back to me' that had always remained unanswered). What's one more to add to the pile?
10. these words you should always remember,
to you, my heart i surrender
A month.
A month was all it took.
A letter was sent to Cloud Recesses, bearing the words, 'I am coming home, Lan Zhan.'
No one was present to witness the shuddering gasp, full of relief, that escaped Lan Wangji. The way he pressed the letter ever so gently to his lips. The tears that clouded his golden eyes that was bright with yearning and love and everything. The soft whisper of 'Wei Ying' that floated through the jingshi with all the weight of a feather.
Lan Wangji wouldn't, couldn't, wait for Wei Wuxian to come to him.
He flew out the door in a whirlwind of white robes and fluttering, pale blue ribbons.
His song, their song, showed the way.
"Wei Ying."
FIN
A/N: The original idea was to write protective!badass!hubby wwx, and instead I vomited this out. In the meantime, hope you liked this version of protective!soft!sad boi lwj. Someone just give him a hug, or better yet, just give him his Wei Ying.
This is my first fic in The Untamed fandom, so please, throw me some kind comments? *puppy eyes*
Take care!