The Ferris Wheel
The Ferris Wheel keeps turning no matter who it leaves behind.
It's busy, and people bustle around them in whirlwinds of purpose as they stand there. The air smells like metal on metal, with hints of old perfume and grease floating in the breeze.
"I'm so excited, Baek," Jongdae sings, effectively breaking the silence that engulfs them despite the crowded train station. "You're finally going to meet him."
Baekhyun hums in response, and he absentmindedly twirls his index finger around Jongdae's thumb. "Me too," he says, smiling up at Jongdae.
Jongdae is literally bouncing with excitement when the train pulls slowly into the station. The sound of the brakes crimp the air as the train slows, and the crowd has a surge of energy as they try to push into the train.
People steadily flow out of the train and Jongdae stands on the tips of his toes, looking for his best friend.
"There he is!" Jongdae exclaims, waving his arms frantically. Baekhyun laughs at his antics.
"Yixing!" Jongdae screams, "over here!"
Baekhyun squints at the tall, dimpled man whose head had turned in their direction at Jongdae's call. He grins widely as Yixing approaches.
Jongdae lets go of Baekhyun's hand to sprint towards Yixing before throwing his arms around the slim man. "I missed you so much!" Jongdae yells.
Yixing is grinning too, his long arms wrapping around his best friend. "Two years too long," he says.
After a moment, Jongdae suddenly freezes. He grabs Yixing's hand and pulls him toward Baekhyun, standing there awkwardly amidst the emptying train station.
"Meet my boyfriend," Jongdae urges.
"Byun Baekhyun," Baekhyun says, extending a hand. Yixing smiles warmly, and he clasps his hand around Baekhyun's.
"Zhang Yixing. I've heard a lot about you," he says.
Jongdae slings an arm around Baekhyun, and Baekhyun feels a little hot under his arm.
They exchange standard greetings and Baekhyun slips into his usual talkative nature to pass the time as they wait for Yixing's boyfriend.
Baekhyun is in the middle of a story involving himself, his dog, and his roommate's couch when a loud, disturbingly familiar voice rings through the station.
Baekhyun feels his stomach curdle as he sees him in the distance, running towards them with the same long, lanky legs but this time with brick red hair. Baekhyun decides he doesn't like this color on Chanyeol.
Chanyeol's smile is left in the breeze as he gets nearer to them, his eyes settling on the brown haired boy.
Yixing glances at him, and Baekhyun prays it isn't true.
"Oh, there you are! I was wondering where you went."
It can't be.
"Baekhyun, Jongdae, this is my boyfriend," Yixing begins, grabbing the red head's hand and smiling widely.
No.
"Park Chanyeol."
Jongdae is the first to act, reaching out a hand toward Chanyeol, grinning. "So this is who you've been gushing about, Yixing," he says, winking. Baekhyun stiffens, just enough to be noticed by Chanyeol.
Chanyeol doesn't notice Jongdae's extended hand, because he only notices Baekhyun. He only notices Baekhyun, and the way the sunlight plays with his hair and how those same dark brown eyes stare back at him and how his heart doubles its speed. Chanyeol's jaw clenches and Baekhyun really feels like punching him.
But he doesn't. Instead, he slaps a smile onto his face and Chanyeol's heart skips a beat. He hadn't seen that smile in so long. Baekhyun only reaches out his hand, just a little shakily.
"Byun Baekhyun, pleasure to meet you."
Chanyeol's jaw slacks. He shifts his weight, "Baek-" he begins. The name feels foreign on his lips.
Yixing looks shocked. "Oh? You know each other?" His voice cuts through Chanyeol's trance.
Chanyeol glances at Yixing, somewhat annoyed. He bites his lip nervously before he opens his mouth to respond. "Yeah, we were-"
"Childhood friends," Baekhyun interrupts. "Sorry, Yeol, I just realized," he says, stepping closer and forcing his arms around Chanyeol. "It's been so long. Nice hair."
Chanyeol feels a dull pain in his chest, and he doesn't know whether it was caused by the feeling of Baekhyun's arms around him or the simple use of his nickname.
Either way, it hurts and Baekhyun knows it.
The train to the amusement park is more than unsavory. The train bumps around, and so do Baekhyun's emotions. He leans on Jongdae, quietly drawing circles on his thigh. He doesn't look at the red haired boy sitting across from him.
Jongdae knows something is wrong; his usually bubbly partner is reduced to a shell. He realizes something must have happened between Chanyeol and Beakhyun, but he doesn't want to question it now. He puts an arm around Baekhyun.
Chanyeol thinks that Baekhyun is too quiet, but he knows he needs time. He pretends nothing is wrong, as words swirl out of his mouth in vain. He talks the whole way there.
It's busy, people bustling around them in whirlwinds of excitement as they stand there. The air smells dense, like cotton candy, too sweet, mixed with the scent of forgotten popcorn.
They pay admission and then stroll into the park. Baekhyun nearly forgets about everything when he sets eyes on the rides. He grabs Jongdae's hand, immediately dragging him towards the big coaster. "Let's go," he pleads excitedly. Jongdae laughs and intertwines his hands with Baekhyun, allowing him to pull him towards the lineup. His laugh tickles Baekhyun's ears, the sound satisfyingly tinkling, and Baekhyun remembers why he likes Jongdae so much.
Chanyeol and Yixing idle behind, and Chanyeol tries to pretend that everything is okay.
Almost every ride later, they stop for a break as Jongdae begins to whine about a headache. They settle onto a picnic table after ordering some food, and they glide into conversation again. Baekhyun can't help but glance at the man from his past who laughs a little too loud to be cheerful, and a little too bitter to be happy.
"Let's do the coaster again!"
"If you want puke all over your clothes-"
"Okaaaay, never mind."
"Then what?"
The silence drifts over the group of four as they munch on the remainder of their fries.
Yixing's eyes suddenly light up. "Let's go on the Ferris Wheel!"
Baekhyun feels his façade chip and Chanyeol pretends that everything is okay.
"Sorry, only two adults per carriage," the ride operator says.
Yixing turns toward Chanyeol and Chanyeol isn't looking forward to what he's about to say, because he knows what he's about to suggest. "Do you mind if me and Jongdae go together? I want to catch up," he says, innocently unaware.
Jongdae nods in agreement. "And since you guys are childhood friends, maybe you guys could catch up too!"
In a flurry of 'wait,' clanging, shoes on metal, and 'bye Baek!' the pairs split.
Jongdae and Yixing get on first.
"Hey, look," Jongdae exclaims. He points at a bit of scratchy silver carved into the paint. "That's so cute! No offense, Yixing, but I kinda wish I went on with Baekhyun so we could do this too." He laughs.
Yixing cranes his neck. Squinting, he makes out two initials with a sloppy heart around them. A small declaration from a fresh teenage couple too high on love. "I guess," he says, shrugging.
Though they haven't physically seen each other in 2 years, Jongdae knows something's wrong. "Yixing?"
Yixing bites his lip, avoiding eye contact. "He doesn't love me like I love him, Jongdae."
The ferris wheel lurches to a start, and a carriage down from Jongdae and Yixing sits Baekhyun and Chanyeol.
"Baek-"
"Don't call me that," Baekhyun replies, his words unexpectedly sharp. Chanyeol flinches.
"Please," Chanyeol tries again. "Can we talk?"
Baekhyun calmly turns around to catch Chanyeol's eye. "What if I don't want t-" He cuts himself off when he sees something. Something that makes his chest hurt.
Three years ago
"There! It's done," Baekhyun said proudly, turning around. "How does it look?" The ferris wheel carriage swayed slightly.
Chanyeol leaned his neck around, a grin breaking out on his face. "I love it," he replied, laughing. The freshly engraved initials glinted dangerously in the sunlight. Chanyeol ignored the rock forming in his stomach.
Baekhyun wrapped his arm around Chanyeol's, and rested his head on his shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, before Chanyeol dipped his head down and pressed his lips to Baekhyun's.
"Do you think," Baekhyun said breathily, in between kisses, "it'll be there forever?"
Chanyeol stopped, and gazed down toward his boyfriend's flushed face. "I'll love you forever, if that's what you're asking," he murmured back.
A soft smile played across Baekhyun's lips, "I love you too, Yeol. Forever?"
"Forever."
But forever doesn't last for someone who can't handle it.
Baekhyun heard it as hot breath against his ears, being chanted like a prayer: I love you, I love you, I love you.
Hands clasped together as bodies collided, decorated with soft moans, breathy sighs, deep grunts and kisses stippled across milky skin. Baekhyun wrapped his legs around Chanyeol's waist, pulling him closer as his hands ran through Chanyeol's soft dark hair.
"You'll love me forever?" He breathed. He buried his head into his partner's neck.
"Forever," Chanyeol murmured, the word floating from his lips and dancing across Baekhyun's skin.
Forever doesn't last for someone who doesn't know what forever means.
Baekhyun reached around, feeling nothing but sheets. The linen on his bed was wrinkled from the night before, and the sunlight burned his eyes. He rolled over, and a slow panic set in when he found the bed empty. Chanyeol never woke up before him.
"...Yeol?"
Baekhyun didn't leave his apartment for close to three months.
The first two months were just raw pain. Unanswered texts, declined calls, and wracking sobs that tore him from the inside out. The constant ache that he felt seemed infinite. He never knew he could hurt this much. Why did it hurt so fucking much?
Then there was the third month. Questions arose like smoke after a fire was doused out. Was it his fault? Was Chanyeol cheating on him? Did he do something wrong? But there was one main question that was a constant: Why?
After those three months, there were two wasted looking. But Chanyeol was nowhere to be found.
He never found out why Chanyeol had left him. All he knew was that he was gone. Dissipated like mist, before Baekhyun could even process there was any.
Five was the number of months he spent. Five months where he felt awfully empty. Where he didn't think about anything and anyone but the man who had left him in the middle of the night. Where he was trying to pick up the pieces only to find out they reminded him of him. Five months where he felt like he couldn't breathe.
Five months because six was too long to dedicate to the asshole who broke him.
Forever doesn't last.
It's quiet, with nothing but the breeze to distract them from the walls they had built around one another. It's cold.
Baekhyun leans forward.
"I was afraid," Chanyeol murmurs. When no response is heard from Baekhyun, he continues. "I was afraid of commitment."
The world feels like it's crashing down. Baekhyun wonders if this ferris wheel ride always lasted this long.
"I'm sorry, Baek."
Baekhyun exhales sharply. "Five months," he replies. "Five months I spent trying to forget about you."
Chanyeol opens his mouth, not really knowing what he was going to say, but is cut off by Baekhyun.
"Did I not even deserve a simple goodbye?" He isn't angry, he's past that stage. "I asked myself why. Why? Why did you get up in the middle of the goddamn night and decide, hey, I don't want to be with Baek anymore, so I'm just gonna leave him alone here, by himself, with no explanation whatsoever?"
Chanyeol looks down quietly, knowing he has no excuse. He had no reason for doing what he did; it was just out of pure selfishness and fear. And because of that, he lost someone. The only person who made him love so goddamn much that he was scared. "I was young, I was stupid, and I was afraid. Afraid of… of forever," he says, and Baekhyun's breath hitches. "And I'm so, so sorry-"
Baekhyun slaps him, and Chanyeol shuts up.
"You don't deserve the right to fucking apologize," Baekhyun says quietly.
The Ferris Wheel slows to a stop, and Baekhyun gets off first. Seeing Jongdae and Yixing, he approaches them, not bothering to hide his sour face. Jongdae, strangely perceptive, tells Yixing that him and Baekhyun should get going first, and Baekhyun has never felt more relieved. Jongdae tells Yixing that they'll meet up again tomorrow, and Yixing smiles. They all pretend that they don't notice that the smile doesn't quite reach his eyes.
After Baekhyun gets off the ferris wheel, Chanyeol sits there for a minute before the ride attendant asks him if he wants to get off. The ride attendant says he can go on it for another round if he wants to because it's not busy, and Chanyeol takes him up on that offer.
It's only after when the sunset illuminates the inside of the carriage that Chanyeol sees it. It's only after Chanyeol sees it that the tears slam him in the face, and he realizes he can't pretend anymore. And his heart burns and he can't stop staring at the past sealed inside this little ferris wheel carriage.
ㅂㅂㅎ ㅂㅊㅇ
영원히
BBH + PCY
Forever