Why Remus & Sirius Belong Together, By Lily Evans
Lily has a list of reasons why she thinks Remus and Sirius are a couple. James thinks it's hilarious - until he doesn't. Remus gets angry. Peter hums, and Sirius just wants someone to listen to him through his chosen medium of interpretive dance.
"Alright," said Lily as she sat down by the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room. Her gorgeous red hair was done up in a high pony tail and she wore no robe over the top of her school uniform. "How long?" she asked.
Remus looked up from his book, and Sirius dragged his attention away from the pretty sixth years in the corner. James smiled dreamily at her, ecstatic that she was voluntarily sitting with them.
All three waited a second, until Remus realised that she wasn't going to elaborate.
"How long what?" he asked.
"How long have you and Sirius been together? We've got a bet going and we need to settle it," she replied briskly. If she'd had a quill and parchment in her hand to take notes, it wouldn't have looked out of place.
Sirius stared.
Remus stared.
James stared.
Peter hummed.
"What?" asked Remus, shocked. Sirius, whose head had been resting against his friend's shoulder as he ogled the sixth years, sat up straight to stare.
Lily sighed in exasperation. "You guys don't have to pretend. I know. We all know," she said, emphasising the all. "I don't think anyone else has noticed except us girls, but it's obvious how loved up you two are. We won't judge you," she said with a warm, sincere smile.
Remus made a choking sound, while James and Sirius were still too shocked to do anything but stare, mouths agape.
Then, slowly, James began to laugh. And laugh, very loudly until he was almost hysterical. "All... all the girls, Sirius! All of them!" he gasped in between cackles of delight, before breaking off into another peal.
Lily gave him a disapproving look, trying to convey with her eyes that he was not helping (and that she desperately wanted him dead, which is an awful lot to say with your eyes alone).
"Lily," Remus began slowly. "I think you've got the wrong end of the stick. Really wrong."
"No, I don't!" she snapped in frustration. "You aren't going to throw me off the scent just because you're embarrassed to admit it to the public, which I get, but I am not the public! Goddamnit! We have a bet!"
As one the boys leaned away from the fiery red-head. Lily Evans never swore – ever.
"Really, Evans," Sirius said slowly. "We're not shagging. Not at all. Not even snogging. We're friends... just like me and James are friends, and just like James and Remus are friends."
Lily gasped. "Potter is in on it too?" she exclaimed in shock, and for a moment (James hoped) she looked... disappointed?
"What? Yes, Lily, we're having a three-way love affair," he snapped sarcastically. "No! Remus and I are not together. James and I are not together. I can't speak for James and Remus..." Sirius trailed off.
"Padfoot!" James snapped.
"But apparently they're not together either. Got it?" He continued. "Who told you we were together anyway? And which girls? Have I snogged any of them before?"
"No one told me," Lily snapped, pointedly ignoring his other questions. "But I can tell. We can tell. We know you're a couple. I know," she replied seriously, emphasising the word 'know'.
Remus threw his hands up in the air. "How do you know, Lily? Are we just throwing off gay vibes or something?"
Sirius started to laugh, flopping back in the chair with a smirk on his face and ignoring Remus glaring at him.
"You're imagining what gay vibes would look like, aren't you?" James asked wearily.
Sirius just nodded, unable to speak for laughter.
"I must have him," Sirius announced to James the next day at breakfast. Remus and Peter were still in the common room, in a last-minute rush trying to finish his potions essay before class.
James sighed.
"I knew this would happen. Why do you have to have him? Lily was just having... disturbing fantasies, obviously," he said, wrinkling his nose in distaste.
"Disturbing?" Sirius asked, offended. "And because Jamie! He's warm kittens and he's ice cream on a hot day. He's kisses wrapped in honey and sprinkles," gesturing widely with his arms outstretched.
James snorted. "He might be all that, but you're insane. Dare I ask why you've only just realised this?"
He rolled his eyes. "Obviously someone had to tell me, or it would've taken me ages to figure it out. There are so many things in this place to distract me! And by things, I mean girls."
James sighed again. He could point out the fact that if girls were distracting Sirius, then maybe Remus wasn't the kind of warm kittens he was looking for - but what was the point? He bloody well knew this was going to happen, and he knew what would happen from now on.
Sirius would be weird, and then moody because Remus didn't get it, and then he'd have to explain to Remus what was going on, and then he'd have to play counsellor to both of them, and then, eventually, they'd get together and ruin his life.
Or they wouldn't get together and they'd ruin his life, he had his money split 50/50 at this stage.
Lily was going to get an earful about this.
Instead, he said, "And how are you going to make him yours?"
"I'm going to tell him I like him," Sirius said with a confused look on his face. "What'd you think I was going to do?"
James' stared at him incredulously. He swallowed. Took a breath. "Well. That's... very normal of you," he started, before:
"I'll tell him through interpretative dance!"
James stood up, drained the last of his orange juice, wished it was something stronger, and walked out of the hall. He turned Lily's hair blue on the way, just for good measure.
Nothing happened the rest of the day, though James was on edge the entire time.
When Sirius stood up at lunch, he had a horrible premonition that one of his best mates was going to start a strip tease in the Great Hall, and his other best mate was going to implode from embarrassment and/or rip his throat out with his teeth. Either or.
Lucky he'd always been shit at Divination, and lucky Sirius had only stood up to make sure Regulus could watch as he gave him two fingers.
James was so much on edge that when Lily sat down next to him in the Common Room that evening, hair back to its usual luscious red, he nearly jumped out of his skin.
"Bloody hell, Evans," he said crossly, heart thumping wildly. "Don't sneak up on a bloke like that."
She raised one eyebrow coolly, and handed him a piece of parchment. The heading read: Why Remus and Sirius Belong Together, and James only took half a glance before shoving it back towards her.
"Believe me, you've done more than enough," he said darkly, and refused to elaborate even when she gave him that look with those eyes. Her presence was enough to distract him from Sirius, though, who had been watching the entrance to the Common Room with an unnatural fixation.
Remus was due back any minute from the library, and he knew exactly what he was going to do. He'd even bribed some first years to help him.
It was going to be magnificent.
After what seemed like an eternity to someone with as short an attention span as Sirius (but was only a few minutes), the portrait swung open and Remus climbed through. If Sirius had stopped to think about it - indeed, if he'd ever stopped to think about anything - he would have reconsidered a public display of affection based on Remus' frown.
Unfortunately for all involved, and particularly for James (he felt it very keenly), Sirius wouldn't have noticed even if Remus' had a tentacle growing from his forehead. He was ready to dance, which meant everyone else was ready to watch him.
The music that blared from the muggle record player Lily had charmed to work in the common room startled everyone, including Remus, who paused in confusion and looked around for the source.
James groaned softly, and immediately turned Lily's hair blue again.
First years were dragging chairs and tables out of the way, clearing a space for Sirius Black: The Dancing Queen.
"Why ABBA?" James protested weakly, absolutely defeated.
Remus the werewolf had never looked more like a lamb for the slaughter as he stood, pale and wide-eyed, at the beaming, deranged heir to the House of Black.
It was all over the school the next day, of course. How could it not have been?
Thankfully, no one knew exactly why Sirius had been putting on a show for whole House, or why he'd dragged Remus into it. James repeated this under his breath the whole way through breakfast, and all through Charms.
Sirius was adorably confused as to why Remus had stormed upstairs, yanked his curtains shut and refused to come out for the rest of the evening. He'd been even more confused when, as they got ready the next morning, Remus had snapped: "Just how you think flirting with me is going to get you girls, for fuck's sake Padfoot!" before slamming out of the dorm.
"But it's not to get girls," he'd said, bemused and far too late.
James had clapped him on the shoulder, and Peter had started humming 'Dancing Queen' under his breath, the ratty bastard.
For a moment, Sirius wondered if perhaps he was going about it the wrong way. Perhaps interpretive dance was not the way to go? Perhaps he needed to be more obvious? He'd whispered furiously to James the whole way down to breakfast, suggesting and then vetoing plans the minute they popped into his head.
"You've got to help, Prongs," he'd exclaimed at one point. "I help you with Lily!"
"Fat lot of good that does me," James retorted. "She hates me just as much as ever, and if you do this you'll go the same way with Moony. I'm telling you Pads, just... just..." he trailed off, seeing Sirius' puppy eyes come out in full force. "Just let me think about it," he sighed.
Sirius beamed.
James was a fucking moron.
At lunch he did his best to avoid making eye contact with Lily (and when had he ever tried to do that?) and her list. He really did not want to know.
It was easier said than done – why did she have to look at him like that as she made a space for him at the table? Even if she did have ulterior motives, he was only human (and she was ethereal).
He did have enough sense to put Sirius on the other side of him, though, as far away from Moony as possible. In fact, Sirius would have to reach over James and Lily just to get to Peter, who was staunchly blocking any attempts at conversation by putting his fingers in his ears and humming.
At least it wasn't Dancing Queen.
But that also meant he caught the brunt of Lily's puppy dog eyes, which were much worse than Sirius'.
"I just want you to look at it, and you'll see what I mean," she said cajolingly, not for one moment dropping her gaze. "Seriously Jamie."
Jamie? This was blackmail.
"This is blackmail," he spluttered, unable to tear his eyes away from her sparkling eyes, her sweet little nose with a smattering of freckles, her vivid hair, her perfect shell ears, her...
"Of course it's not, Jamie. But you will, won't you?"
He's gone off track. What was he supposed to be saying he wouldn't do? Was it coercion?
Lily smiled at him encouragingly.
"Su-sure Lils. Whatever you want," he promised, nodding his head as if to prove he meant it.
She shoved the parchment in front of his nose without hesitation. On it read:
Why Remus and Sirius Belong Together
By Lily Evans
1. They'd make a beautiful couple.
2. They're always touching each other, even if they don't realise they're practically groping in the Common Room.
3. Sirius always checks to see that Remus approves of what he's saying/doing.
4. Remus shares his chocolate with Sirius (and only Sirius).
5. They smile differently when they smile at each other.
6. Imagine what the sex would be like.
James tries his hardest not to pay attention to the last one, which was made easier by the fact that Remus shares his chocolate with Sirius and how had he only just realised this?
Perhaps this wasn't as crazy as he'd thought.
He grabbed Padfoot by the arm, dragging his attention away from trying to eye-fuck Moony down the length of the table (they were at lunch for fuck's sake) and hissed: "He shares his chocolate with you!"
Many things could be said of Sirius Black, but stupid wasn't one of them.
His eyes lit up, and he craned his neck to stare at Remus again. "He loves me," he breathed.
So the plan was – and mind you, James wasn't very proud of this – to lock them in a convenient cupboard for at least 10 minutes, after which time the cupboard would be unlocked and they could leave (or not) as they wished.
As far as plotting went, it wasn't one of his best.
But it was the only option that made sure Sirius wouldn't have an audience to perform to (half the problem) or make a cake of Remus in front of (the other half).
There was no finesse.
There was no subtlety.
There was no Peter, so no risk of fucking it up.
There was only... destiny.
He doesn't wait for the perfect cupboard, but takes the first one they wander past as they leave the Great Hall after dinner (a bit like Sirius' approach to losing his virginity) and grabbed both of them by the arm.
"Pete, stand watch," he hissed and pulled them into the cupboard, shutting the door behind him. "I've got a plan," he said, leaning forward even as he wrapped his hand around the door handle in preparation for his escape.
"For pity's sake, Prongs," Moony sighed, even as he leaned in to hear whatever prank James had up his sleeve.
When he was sure he had their attention, Sirius' eyes shining bright at the thought of mischief, he looked them both in the eyes and said:
"Sort yourselves out, for fuck's sake," and threw himself out the door, hastily locking it behind him.
Peter was at the end of the corridor, looking in the opposite direction and humming as he stood faithfully on guard for any nosy teachers who might want to interfere in Marauder business.
James let him stay there, giving his mates a minute to get out their confusion (and irritation on Moony's part) and then put his ear to the door.
For a moment all he could hear was muffled voices, and then "Quit fucking around Padfoot! It's not funny!" That was followed by a heartfelt "But I mean it Moonpie," and Merlin he really shouldn't have gone with a pet name right at that minute, for fuck's sake Pads...
Whatever explosion of rage that was to follow was cut off, though, with a muffled hmmph and then noises James did not need to think about in relation to his two best mates.
Sirius was always better at actions than words.
James waited just long enough to hear: "I mean it, Remus," so quiet he could barely hear it at all.
He pushed himself away from the door, quietly unlocked it (they'd work it out) and went to collect Peter.
He'd done more than enough for one day, thank you very much.
He was the most selfless friend in the whole world.
Sirius stumbled through the portrait hole entrance an hour later, hair mussed and looking a little like the heroine on the front of a bad romance novel.
Smug didn't even begin to describe it.
He strolled over to the table where Lily and her friends sat, essays in front of them and books open.
"Well Evans, I'm here to settle that bet for you," he said, leering at them all. "Though I think you're going to be disappointed."
Marlene McKinnon rolled her eyes, setting down her quill to give him an unimpressed look.
"If you're trying to give us this guff about not being together," she began to lecture, but cut herself short when Remus tried to inconspicuously sidle into the Common Room.
Like Sirius, his hair was mussed and he looked distinctly... ravished. Unlike Sirius, he wasn't smug at all – he was embarrassed, like all good Englishmen should be.
Sirius' grin widened. "So, who had bets on today?" he asked loudly.
Around the table, everyone's jaws dropped. The rest of the room turned to stare, while Remus flushed beautifully (in Sirius' opinion) and valiantly tried to pretend he didn't know his boyfriend (his boyfriend!) was announcing what they'd just been doing to the whole Gryffindor House.
Still, if that's what he was going to do... Remus was a Marauder after all.
He straightened up, ran a hand through his hair and walked over to the group.
The girls were still staring, wide eyed at the sight. There was a hickey peeking out the top of his collar.
"I'll see you upstairs, Pads," he said with a leer of his own. "Don't be too long or I'll get started without you."
He winked at a gobsmacked Dorcas, and sauntered up the stairs to the dorm.
Marlene let out a little whimper and Sirius, recovering slightly from all his blood rushing south in a hurry, tried a snarky "Keep it in your pants, McKinnon," before practically sprinting up the stairs.
The deathly silent Common Room heard Moony laugh, then the door bang shut.
"Isn't... isn't Pete up there?" Lily asked into the silence after a moment.
Everyone turned to look at James, who was the only person in the whole room not staring at the staircase.
He said nothing, resolutely not meeting anyone's eyes, and then:
"Merlin's balls! My eyes!" filtered down the stairs in Peter's high-pitched squeak.
See?
One way or another, James knew they were going to ruin his life.