AN: AU, obviously. Weird plunnie that wouldn't leave me alone. Kind of wanted to explore more in this universe but wayyyy too busy with school and nursing and coronavirus right now. So this will have to do.

Kuroba Kaito was not Kaitou Kid. Never was, in fact. Never even found that ridiculously incriminating room in his house.

Does that change anything? Well – maybe not as much as you'd think.

"Heh heh!" Kaito giggled as he ran his eyes over the headlines in the newspaper, legs propped up on his desk and arms crossed behind his head. "Kaitou Kid-sama has won again!"

An angry Aoko seethed and gripped the sides of Kaito's desk, ready to hurl it at her insensitive friend. Couldn't he see how much she hated that damn thief? "Bakaito! Why do you even support that criminal?"

Kaito's chortled spiritedly, eyes glowing mischievously. "I can't help it! He's just so amazing and cool! He can walk on air and teleport through time and space – and he steals shiny jewels while he's at it! He breaks into buildings like it's nothing and then flies away on a big white kite saying a big old 'F.U.' to the cops. He's like a live-action superhero for magicians all around the world. He's my idol!"

"Spoken by the very thief himself…"

"Gah! Hakuba!" Kaito yeeped, jumping fifty miles in his own skin, whirling his head around to see a mound of tousled blonde hair standing behind him. "Don't sneak up on me like that! And I'm not Kaitou Kid, you creep!"

Hakuba rounded Kaito's chair to stand beside the arguing duo, backpack still slung behind his shoulders and eyes sunken with lack of sleep. "Protesting the obvious is futile, Kuroba."

Kaito and Aoko watched as Hakuba continued on to his seat at the front of the classroom. Kaito mumbled irately, "Who the hell does he think he is? Protesting the obvious is futile, Kuroba. That stupid British dick."

"Kaito!" Aoko's flace lit up like a stopped traffic light. "Don't use that word! It's not very nice!"

"What, British?"

"No, the other one!"

"Which other one?"

"You know!" Aoko leaned in closer and whispered in a furiously hushed voice. "Dick!"

"That's slang, Aoko!" Kaito chirped loudly. "A detective is a dick! Dick, dick, dick -"

Aoko threw her hands over Kaito's mouth as he kept rambling, as if he were a broken record player, "…dick, dick, dick, dick…"

"Oh ho ho ho ho!" A high-pitched cackling was heard approaching. The dynamic duo turned to see Akako walk past and place her belongings down on her desk, still cackling.

"Eh, heh heh," Kaito supplied nervously. That bitchy witch always gave him shivers down his spine. Of course, she wasn't an actual witch, because that would be impossible. Right? "Is something funny, Koizumi?"

"You silly mortal," Akako waved her hand, still cackling. "If only you knew what Lucifer whispered in my ear last night!"

Aoko cocked her head innocently, not understanding who this 'Lucifer' was. "What did your friend say? Was it a funny joke?"

"He told me that Kaitou Kid will die at his next heist!" Akako smiled, showing all her sharp teeth. A dark electric energy seemed to swim through the air. "Enjoy your last days on this plane of existence before you shuffle off your mortal coil. Your hours are few before you descend to the fiery pits of Lucifer's infernal place of damnation where you will finally become my slave! Oh ho ho ho!"

"That didn't sound much like a joke," Aoko murmured as she shook her head in confusion. "I worry about that girl sometimes."

"Yeah, me too," Kaito said. "I'm starting to think she actually thinks she's talking to the devil. Must be that she's having terrible nightmares after hanging around that British dick so much."

They watched Akako sit down in the desk beside Hakuba in the front of the classroom. It was a well-known class secret that the two new students had been dating for the past few weeks. Personally, Kaito couldn't see any relationship between the two being healthy.

As if on cue, Akako twirled her hair and flirted coyly with the blonde – who, for his part, was nose deep in a large file labeled 'EVIDENCE THAT KUROBA KAITO IS KAITOU KID' and very much oblivious to his girlfriend's efforts - for several seconds, before indignantly giving up and turning to outright seduction. Several boys in the class started gathering around her, begging Akako-sama to give them the time of day. Hakuba finally turned and with an oblivious face began ranting about his latest evidential findings related to Kaitou Kid, causing Akako to surrender her seduction quest and listen to his ramblings with bored disinterest.

"They're a cute couple, I guess?" Aoko mused. "By the way - Kaito?"

Kaito's face turned red as he felt Aoko's face appear inches away from his. Could this be – the moment? He never thought their love would blossom this way, but if this was the way Aoko was going to confess then it would have to do, wouldn't it? "What, Aoko?"

"Don't say that word."