A/N: This is a repost of an old fic. I wrote this wacky thing as a gift fic for undergrounddaydreams. Before my hiatus from all things fandom, I had completed three of the four parts to this parody. I will be completing the fourth! Special thanks to my original beta, surelady!

PART ONE

There was nothing better, in Sarah's estimation, than getting home from a tedious day of work as an office administrator and discovering her neighbor's cat had gotten into her apartment again. And puked on her bed. Again.

Sarah let out a groan of frustration. That feline was the spawn of Satan. If Sarah hadn't had a secret crush on the kitty's daddy, she would have found a way to make the creature disappear long ago.

Chris Henson was tall, built like Adonis, olive-skinned with grey eyes and dark, wavy hair. Sarah wondered why he'd never hit on her. Every guy hit on her. Chris, on the other hand, apparently thought her showing up in a negligée to borrow a can of whipped cream was typical neighborly behavior. Next time, she'd have to try the naked-under-the-trench-coat scheme. The guy couldn't be that dense.

Sarah stared at the offending upchuck. All she wanted to do was curl up with her worn copy of The Immortal Highlander while noshing on an enormous chocolate bar slathered with whipped cream. But that wasn't going to happen now, thanks to Evil Cat. Pulling the blankets from her bed, Sarah imagined several ways to off the sucker when something on her vanity caught her eye.

A small scroll made of yellowed parchment sat in the center of the clutter. Sarah dropped the bedding to the floor and picked up the paper, unrolling it. She murmured under her breath as she read the fancy calligraphy.

"Here is the day you hoped would never come."

Suddenly the lights dimmed, and with a flash, a white feather and a glowing crystal appeared on her vanity, casting ominous shadows on Sarah's face. She stepped back.

"Ho-kay," she said, rubbing the goosebumps on her arms. "That's creepy."

"I know. Magnificent, isn't it?"

Sarah whirled to find the Goblin King leaning against her doorframe. He flashed a pointed-tooth grin. "It's one of my better entrances."

He stepped toward her, bedecked in his black armor and tattered cloak. Sarah's eyes involuntarily traveled from his handsome, sharp-angled face down his chest to his skin-tight breeches. She lingered a moment too long on the swollen bulge of his generous manhood.

"Dear me, Sarah," Jareth said with a smirk. "Is your internal narrator a romance novelist?"

Sarah flushed, her head snapping up. "Blushing! I'm blushing not flushing!"

"Really?" Jareth raised a brow. "It certainly looked like you were flushing."

She glared back at him. "What are you doing here? I didn't summon you."

He gave her a cheeky smile. "Oh, you didn't?"

"Let me think." Sarah tapped her chin. "Did I wish away any annoying little brothers?" She leveled her gaze at Jareth. "Nope."

He shrugged. "I knew that, of course. I was merely testing your mortal memory." He sniffed, his face pinching in disgust. "What is that dreadful smell?"

"Cat puke." Sarah gestured toward the blankets on the floor.

"Ah." He glanced at the bedding. "That aroma is slightly less revolting than the Bog." He waved his hand. "But that is neither here nor there. I've come to tell you your cat is mine now."

Sarah blinked at him. Jareth had stolen Chris's cat? He had done her a huge favor, but Sarah suspected that hadn't been his intention.

He mistook her silence, pacing around her. "What? No pleas of mercy? No begging to get your beloved pet back? No—" He stopped abruptly, looking down at his boot. "Oh, gods. I've stepped in it. I've stepped in the vomit."

Sarah bit her lip to keep from snickering as he staggered back to her stripped bed.

"Well," he snapped, "don't just stand there! Get it off!"

Sarah laughed. Surely he wasn't asking her to clean the stinking chunks off his shoe? He stared at her expectantly, holding up his leg. He was. He totally was! Her laughter cut off. "Oh, you're serious." She rolled her eyes. "Um, no."

He scowled. "Fine." With the wave, his heeled boot was pristine again. "Now back to the matter at hand," he said, standing and raising his hand. "I've brought you a gift."

A swirl of glitter rested on his palm and dissolved into a fluffy ball of white fur.

"A bunny?" Sarah stared at him with a canted brow.

"Yes. It's a bunny, nothing more. But if you turn it this way and look into its eyes, it will show you the plot of this story. But this is no ordinary gift for a woman who takes care of a retching feline." He held it toward her. "Do you want it?"

Sarah hardly heard his words, mesmerized instead by the bunny's quivering nose.

Jareth continued, "Then forget a—"

"Does it puke on things?"

"—bout the cat. What?"

Sarah tore her eyes away from the bunny. "Does the rabbit puke on things?"

Jareth frowned. "I don't believe so, no."

"Deal!" Sarah reached for the furball. "You can keep the cat. I'll take the bunny." Chris would forgive her as soon as he laid eyes on the rabbit.

Jareth pulled the bunny to his chest, out of reach. "That's not the way it is done!" he sputtered.

"It is now." She stalked closer to him. "Give me the bunny."

He backed away, indignation twisting his beautiful features. "No. Most emphatically no! This is not how things are done!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too times infinity!"

"Is not times infinity plus one!"

Sarah scoffed. "You can't add to infinity. It's already infinite!"

"I am the Goblin King." Jareth gave her an exasperated glare. "I can reorder mathematics to suit my whims."

Sarah crossed her arms. "In that case: 'Is too times infinity plus infinity!'"

"Don't be childish, Sarah." Jareth snorted. "You can't add infinity to infinity. It's forbidden."

"Oh, yeah? By who?"

He raised his free hand to his chest. "Myself, of course." When she started to argue, he pressed his fingers against her lips. "Shh, precious. I know my omnipotence is difficult for your little mortal brain to comprehend, but we must conduct our business before this opening scene gets bogged down by schoolyard arguments."

Sarah batted his hand away. "What business?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Have you not been paying attention? Must I draw a diagram for you?" With a flick of his wrist, a large, floating whiteboard appeared next to him. With a marker, he drew an indecipherable doodle. "First, your cat was wished away—"

"Hold on, Goblin King. Three things." Sarah ticked off her fingers as she spoke. "One, the cat isn't mine. Two, who wished it away? And three, that"—she pointed to his drawing—"looks like a blob."

Jareth narrowed his eyes. "I have three things in return. One, the cat was in your house, so you can see how I might have assumed it belonged to you. Two, I wished it away. And three," he said, waving a hand over the doodle, "it's a cat. See the ears and tail?"

Sarah shook her head. "Where are the whiskers?"

Jareth growled, slashing quick lines on the blob with his marker. "Satisfied? Can we get back to the point?"

Sarah cocked her head, squinting. If she blurred her vision, she could see a Picaso-like resemblance to a cat. "I guess."

"Oh, good." He raised his eyes heavenward and sighed. "First, the cat—which may or may not be yours—was stolen by me. Next, I offered you a bunny." He drew another blobby thing on the board.

"Now, that looks more like a cat."

Jareth squeezed his eyes shut with a groan. "It's. A. Bunny!" He held up the rabbit in his hand. "See? A bunny."

"Maybe if had some bunny teeth?"

"No! This is getting us nowhere." He made the whiteboard vanish. "I begin to wonder if you're obtuse by design, or if I've greatly overestimated your intelligence."

Sarah balked, but he covered her mouth.

"Please refrain from interrupting. The readers would like to get to the more interesting parts of this story," Jareth said.

"But—"

"Seriously. Shut it." He stared her down for a few seconds. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes. I offered you the bunny and you were not supposed to take it."

"Why not?" Sarah certainly didn't want the cat back.

"Why not?" Jareth stared at her as if she'd sprouted a third eye. "Because it could be a trick! You don't know me. I could be the Devil Incarnate!" He shook his head. "Has your mother never taught you about stranger danger?"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Of course I know you. You're the villain from my childhood."

"Exactly my point!" He threw his free hand in the air. "Why would you take a rabbit from me? Have you learned nothing from the peach incident?!"

Sarah's eyes darted to the bunny then back to Jareth. "But it's so cuuuuuute!" She reached for it again.

"Good gods, that decibel is inhuman!" He winced. "Fine. Fine! If I give you the rabbit, will you run my Labyrinth?"

"You want me to run the Labyrinth again?"

"By law, every eight years I have the right to demand a rematch. I'm exercising that right." His expression changed to a leer. "Although, I am perfectly amenable to compromise if you would prefer to skip straight to the celebratory sex."

Sarah snorted. "With you?"

"Certainly not with your gay neighbor." Jareth raised a brow. "Though, I do see why you find him alluring. He is quite delectable."

"He's not—!" Sarah's mouth snapped shut as understanding dawned on her. "Oh. Oh! That explains so much." Chris's incredible fashion sense. His all-male sleepovers. His propensity to kiss other men when he was drunk. That was the reason why he hadn't thrown himself at Sarah. Of course!

Sarah gave Jareth an appraising look. He had impeccable style. And at the masquerade, he seemed to have very little interest in the women around him. And he'd just called Chris delectable.

"Are you gay?" she asked.

"At the moment, no." Jareth grinned. It was disturbingly predatory. "But I can pretend to be if you'd like to attempt to convert me. I'd let you attempt all night long. You might even succeed."

"Ew. No." She shivered. Not because she found the idea arousing. Not in the least. Nope. Nuh uh. "I'll run the Labyrinth—if it means I can keep the bunny."

Jareth ground his teeth. "Bunny this. Bunny that. I offer you my glorious body, and all you can think about is the bloody rabbit!"

"I can't help it," she said with a shrug. "I mean, just look at it."

Jareth studied the creature. "It is quite adorable, isn't it?" His voice went up several octaves as he pet it. "What a wittle thing you are, all soft fur and pretty eyes. You are the cutest wittle bunny, aren't you? Yes, you are. Yes, you—"

Sarah, insanely jealous, snatched the rabbit from him. Jareth's head snapped up, glowering as his mismatched eyes cleared.

"That thing," he said, breathless as if he'd gone several rounds with a demon and barely survived, "is positively diabolical." He inspected his gloved hands. "I had no idea I was capable of creating something so wicked."

Sarah gave Jareth a dirty look before turning back to the bunny. "Don't listen to him, Freddie. You are the sweetest bunny rabbit ever."

"Freddie?" Jareth frowned. "I was going to call him Jareth."

"You want to call everyone Jareth."

"It would make remembering names infinitely easier. Oh look, my Labyrinth." Jareth gave Sarah a sardonic grin. "It seems our author has decided to hurry things along."

They stood on the hilltop where she had started her journey eight years before. Sarah surveyed the maze below, the same as she had remembered. "She's not exactly smooth with transitions, is she?"

"Or originality. She could have started things in the fiery wood, just to be different from every other fan fiction writer." He sighed. "But no, the same spot. Every time."

"Not to mention the plot of making me run the Labyrinth again." Sarah gave him an exaggerated eyeroll. "Because thatnever gets old."

"I don't find that quite so troublesome, myself." Jareth smirked. "Sometimes, I actually defeat you in those tales... And there's the clock." A cuckoo clock appeared over his shoulder, chiming the hour with annoying chirping. He scowled. "Message received. Getting on with it."

Jareth turned to Sarah, puffing out his chest, hands at his hips. "You have four hours in which to solve the Labyrinth, before the cat becomes one of us forever—and I take you to my bed to prove how not-gay, at the moment, I am." He started to fade away.

"Hey!" Sarah yelled. "Four hours? I had thirteen last time!"

Jareth solidified. "This time, I plan to win. That, and our author is attempting to keep this story a oneshot. She will fail spectacularly, just as you will fail to reach the castle in time."

He began to dissipate again, but flickered back. "And regarding the care of your fine furry friend, there are two rules you need to remember. First, never get the rabbit wet. Second…" He trailed off as his brow furrowed. "You know, I can't remember the second rule. Something to do with its diet." He shrugged. "Oh, well. It must not have been important." He disappeared in a cloud of glitter.

Sarah nuzzled her bunny. "Come on, Freddie. Let's go kick some Goblin King ass."

"Well, look who it is."

Sarah found Hoggle, Sir Didymus, Ludo and Ambrosius sitting at a poker table just outside of the Labyrinth. The dwarf tried to keep his expression surly as he greeted her, but he couldn't quite hide the happy gleam in his eyes.

"My lady," Didymus said, attempting a flourishing bow from his seat.

"Sawah!" Ludo stood, knocking over the table, sending cards and chips flying.

"Argh! You clumsy monster!" Hoggle yelled. "I was winning!"

Sarah giggled. "What are you all doing here? No," she said when Hoggle tried to answer, "let me guess. The author decided to speed things up by having you all here waiting for me, instead of me trying to search you out in the Labyrinth."

The four exchanged looks—yes, even Ambrosius.

"Uh, no." Hoggle shook his head. "We meet here every Friday for poker."

"Oh." Sarah shrugged. "Well, that's convenient."

"Lady Sarah," Didymus said, "wouldst thou introduce us to thy friend?"

"Oh, him?" She held out the bunny. "This is Freddie."

"Cuuuute!" Ludo exclaimed, caressing one of his gigantic fingers through Freddie's soft fur. Hoggle and Didymus came closer and began cooing at the rabbit.

"I know, right?" Sarah beamed. "I can't believe Jareth let me have him. All I have to do is run the Labyrinth again."

Hoggle stopped short. "Wait. That no-good rat gave you this bunny? And you took it from him?" He rubbed a hand over his wrinkled face. "After he gave you that peach? Gah!"

Sarah glowered at the dwarf. Why was everyone calling her judgment into question? Sure, she had missed the whole "my hot neighbor plays for the other team" thing, but it wasn't like she had gaydar.

"What'd he say about the bunny when he gave it to you?" Hoggle asked, crossing his arms.

"I don't know. That Freddie's just a bunny."

Hoggle gave her a flat stare. "Nothing else?"

"Um…" Sarah wracked her brain. As soon as Jareth had showed her the adorable little furball, she only half-listened to him. "Something about being able to see the plot of this story…and not getting Freddie wet. I think there's another rule too, but he couldn't remember."

Hoggle threw his hands in the air. "Of all the—!" He paced, grumbling incoherently.

Sarah turned to Didymus and Ludo. "What's wrong?"
"Methinks, my lady, thou hast accepted a Plot Bunny from His Grace." Didymus shook his head. "The only hare more dangerous is the foul creature that guards the Cave of Kyre Banorg."

"But he's harmless!" Sarah held the bunny protectively. "Aren't you, Freddie?"

"Oh, you say that now," Hoggle muttered with a sour expression. "He only looks harmless because I'm bettin' he's a Vanilla Plot Bunny." He sighed. "We're just gonna have to hope that's what he is. Don't get him wet and DON'T feed him after midnight!"

Ludo bobbed his massive head in agreement.

"Okay, okay. Whatever." Sarah gave her bunny a snuggle. "You're a sweet little Plot Bunny, aren't you? You wouldn't hurt wittle old me?" She looked up and found the others staring at her. "What?"

"You really don't get how dangerous that thing is." Hoggle covered his eyes with a groan. "We're doomed."

"Oh, don't be such a baby." Sarah rolled her eyes as she walked toward the Labyrinth wall. "Open sesame!"

The massive gates appeared and swung open. But instead of admitting entry into the maze, a cave glittering with an enormous stash of gold and jewels lay before them. Hoggle's eyes nearly left his head.

"No, that's not right," Sarah muttered. "Close sesame!"

"Wait!" Hoggle yelled, dashing toward the gates. "Just let me grab a few things!"

Ludo lifted Hoggle by his collar, the little dwarf's legs spinning beneath as he screeched, "Open sesame! Open sesame!"

The gates closed and dissipated, and Hoggle hung dejectedly. Ludo set him down gently, petting him on the head. "Hoggle sad," the great beast said.

Hoggle swatted Ludo's hand away. "I'm not sad. Leave me alone, you overgrown rug."

Sarah, however, had missed most of the ordeal and was, instead, talking to Freddie. "I can't remember what the right words are. How do I get into the Labyrinth?"

Suddenly the gates appeared again, and as they opened, Hoggle's expression grew hopeful—only to fall when the walls of the maze were revealed on the other side.

Sarah grinned at her companions. "Well, are you coming?"

Ludo nodded. Hoggle groused, but stood. Sir Didymus bowed. "But of course, my Lady! We four will join on yet another quest to fight for the right as one!" Ambrosius barked. "Or we five, rather."

Together, they entered the Labyrinth. As before, both directions seemed to go on endlessly without twists or turns.

"Last time, I went right," Sarah said, "and it took me ten hours to conquer this thing. I've only got half that—less than half, actually. So, left it is!" She took off at a dead run, holding Freddie close to her chest.

"But my Lady—!" Didymus called after her.

Sarah made it twenty feet when she slammed against a barrier, the force of the collision landing her hard on her butt. Fortunately, Freddie seemed unharmed. She was able to keep a hold on the little furball. Sarah looked up and realized what had appeared as an infinite corridor of dilapidated stone walls was actually a painting of an infinite corridor of dilapidated stone walls.

She rubbed her forehead. "That sucks."

"Art thou injured, my Lady?" Didymus came galloping up on Ambrosius. "I did attempt to warn thee."

"I'm fine." Sarah rose, dusting herself off with her free hand. Freddie squirmed against her chest. "Just take me to the worm."

A/N: Thank you so much for reading. Did you catch the references? Let me know which ones in the comment box below. Or just tell me it made you laugh. I NEED VALIDATION DAGNABIT. *cough* Er, I mean, I'd be super-duper grateful if you took a moment to let me know your thoughts. Pretty please. *bats eyelashes*