"Are you excited? Nervous?" Kevin asked, intrigued that Betty was finally going for the guy that she had been pining for ever since she learned how to speak.
Betty had to think carefully before answering.
She definitely was nervous. She was always nervous. Checking herself in the mirror, looking for any imperfections. Weighing herself and feeling an overpowering sense of panic when the tiny black numbers on the scale went up.
Nervous when she was in school, panicking that someone would hear her when she vomited up her lunch, or when she had to lean against a wall for two seconds too long because she was so dizzy.
Panicked when her mom told her that she was looking 'fleshy'. Those were the worst days. When someone pointed that out. She usually didn't end up eating for the entire rest of the day, if not the next. She would spend the entire day exercising, or researching different foods that had no calories or fat.
She was especially nervous when someone told her that they were worried about her. When they said that she looked too skinny, or that they hadn't seen her eat in weeks. If they got skeptical about the fact that Betty usually always said that she 'ate a huge lunch' or 'just wasn't hungry', when asked to eat.
In those times of dread and panic, she would accept a meal from Pop's, eating almost as she used to, but then go to the bathroom and puke it all up, crying in spite of herself.
It was true that she'd limited the amount of social interaction that she had in the past couple of months. Ever since high school started, really.
Since the day that she graduated grade 8, her mother had been pounding dozens upon dozens of expectations and limitations that she had put in place. About her weight, her personality, her studies, her extracurriculars, her social life and even tiny things like her sleep schedule and the amount of exercise that she got in a day.
Betty guessed, that that was where things all went downhill. She had always struggled with self-harm, but not to the point that she did now. It was the same with her anxiety and depression. She had always had troubles with living up to her mothers' impossible expectations, but it seemed the struggle had gotten ten times worse once she hit high school.
Metaphorically, her back had broken under all of the struggle; she just couldn't handle it all. So, she started going out less, and just seeing her friends at school. She focused on her studies, because that's what her mom wanted her to do.
She took the exercise and diet plans very seriously, over-exercising and under-eating. As she got skinnier and skinnier, so did her self-worth. She hated herself more and more by the day, wishing sometimes that she could just be taken out of this horrible life.
She would get angry. Angry at the things that she couldn't control, like if something pissed her mom off at work. Because, her mom would come home and slap her, punch her and verbally abuse her. Betty took those slashing words to heart, because what else could she do? Betty was already putting herself down; her mom was just feeding on that.
Then there was Polly. Her and Jason were like the perfect couple in Betty's eyes. River Vixen and Bulldog, they were practically royalty at school. Her mom did not approve of it, though.
One day, Betty came home from Archie's house and Polly was gone. Gone were all traces of her older sister, like she never even existed in the first place.
Betty tried to ask her parents what happened, but they would never give her a straight answer.
The 'truth' that she'd managed to concoct from all of the little snippets of information that she practically ripped out of her parents was this; Polly had been in an unstable relationship with Jason. Her parents came home one day to a hysterical Polly, crying on and on about how she hated her relationship with him.
Her parents said that they were trying to calm her down, but she wouldn't. She apparently threw things at them, exhibiting signs of mental instability, so they sent her away. Though, Betty didn't see anything broken or missing when she got home that night. To this day, she still didn't know where her sister was.
That was the last straw. Polly was always there for her on her worst days, to cheer her up. Now she was gone, and Betty was completely and utterly alone. Well, except for Archie Andrews, of course.
Archie had basically been Betty's best friend/crush ever since she could remember. Sure, Archie never exhibited any signs that he liked Betty back, but that was fine. Betty was still absolutely positive that he was as head-over-heels for her as she was for him.
"Both. I haven't seen him all summer," Betty replied, turning around from her vanity.
That much was true. She hadn't seen him in person, sure, but she had definitely seen his picture every night before she went to bed. He had been at his dad's construction site, helping him all summer, while Betty had been helping her parents, unwillingly, at The Register's offices, everyday.
"Which is why nerves are acceptable. But we agreed, B. It's time." Kevin said, reminding her of the long talk that they had had the night previous.
Nerves were higher than usual, that was for sure. That was also saying something, considering.
She turned back around, looking in her vanity mirror for any signs of imperfection.
She hated how her jaw stuck out from her face like a sore thumb. She would wear her hair down if she could, but her mom would never let her out of the house.
Her face looked sunken in, and there were permanent dark purple bags underneath her eyes, from her tremendous lack of sleep.
But, Betty thought, that, is one of the glorious things that can be fixed by makeup.
She had gone from only wearing mascara and a little bit of lip gloss, to applying heavy amounts of concealer and foundation, not to mention blush, because lately there had been absolutely no colour in her face whatsoever.
She stared at her body, now half-naked, with a look of utter disgust. She was skinny, yes, but she still hated the sight of her sunken-in torso. Her boobs were way too big for her liking and her thigs were still too big, even though she had managed to go four sizes down in her jeans.
"You like him, he likes you," Kevin encouraged, as she quickly replaced the look of disgust with one of happiness, a trait that she had gotten particularly good at.
"Well then why, Kevin, hasn't he ever said, or done anything?" Betty said, voicing her ever-present concerns out loud.
"Because, Archie's swell. Like most millennial straight guys, he needs to be told what he wants. So, tell him, finally." He replied, exasperated.
"Well, we'll see, it depends- "Betty said, getting interrupted from looking for her blush brush.
"Oh, my god." Kevin said, sounding amazed, as he rolled off of Betty's bed and stared, intrigued, out the window.
"What?"she said, starting to panic.
Did Archie get with another girl?
Am I gonna get blown off?
Did he meet someone this summer?
Am I no good for him anymore?
It's because I'm ugly, that's why he doesn't like me.
A thousand and one bad thoughts running through her mind, she quickly got up from her vanity chair, feeling a fresh wave of panicking dizziness wash over her, as she stumbled over to where Kevin was gawking out the window.
Holding the wall for support, she took a few shallow breaths as she finally saw what Kevin was talking about.
"Gamechanger. Archie got hot! He's got abs now! That's six more reasons foe you to take that ginger bull by the horns, tonight," Kevin said, clearly very enthused.
Betty couldn't help gawk a bit herself. Then, she realized that she was staring out her window, at Archie, in only her bra and underwear. He could look out his window at any second and see her there.
"I know, I know," Betty said, pushing Kevin away from the curtains as she hastily closed them.
"But he can see us!" She said, panic slightly evident in her voice.
"Yeah, yeah." Kevin said, unmoved.
Betty was glad that Kevin had been to distracted to notice the slight panicked edge to her voice, and the fact that her fingernails had just broken her palm skin, once again.
"Anyway, wish me luck, but you better go. Besides, I'll be leaving in like five minutes." Betty told Kevin, who reluctantly agreed to go, but not before making sure that Betty picked a nice top and jeans.
After Kevin left, Betty almost had a full-on panic attack. The only thing that stopped her was a couple cuts on her legs. They took away some of the panic, temporarily.
All she wanted was for this night to go smoothly. It was the least she deserved after everything that she'd dealt with over the past year.
Reaching over to her night table, Betty grabbed the yellow and white pill bottle, took one of the little blue pills out and swallowed it. She wanted to take more than one, but she had already exceeded her prescribed dose of them for the day.
She studied herself in the mirror one last time, supressing a sob at how terrible she thought she looked, grabbed her purse and left, not being able to stand the sight of herself any longer.
As she trotted down the stairs, feeling impressed at herself at how light she felt, her mom called to her.
"Elizabeth, make sure you are home by curfew, tonight." Alice said, using her 'scolding mother' voice.
"I know, mom. Just because I haven't been out in like, two weeks, doesn't mean I forgot about curfew."
"Okay, but just remember, it's the first day of school tomorrow, so it's even more important."
At that, Betty rolled her eyes and left.
She walked down the freshly-cemented sidewalk, smelling the cool, crisp night air. Heading in the direction of Pop's, Betty was feeling a little nauseous.
Better than embarrassed, she thought, clutching her stomach.
All Betty hoped was that Archie would be there, feeling the same way about her that she was feeling about him.
Holy-, she thought, doubling over and throwing up into some bushes. The nausea today, had been worse than the last two weeks combined. Seeing as this was the fourth time that she'd thrown up today, all she wanted to do was go to bed.
She unzipped her purse, taking out one of three yellow pill bottles and popping the cap off. She kept on walking, not wanting to look suspicious, and downed two of them. They were supposed to help with nausea, but not this kind of nausea.
Hers was self-inflicted. The kind that she could stop if she wanted to, but she didn't. She didn't know how.
She sucked in another deep breath and walked all the way to Pop's, ignoring the dizziness that she felt.
This was what a regular day felt like for her. Hiding her symptoms, puking, piling clothes on herself to hide her ugly body, caking on makeup to hide the fact that she rarely ever slept. Cutting, crying and having panic attacks five or six times a day.
If she was being honest with herself, being with Archie was the only thing keeping her head above water when every day, she was being pulled underneath the current.