Be With Me…
written by CelticPixie

~.~.~

"But in all of the sadness, when you're feeling that your heart is empty, and lacking,
You've got to remember that grief isn't the absence of love.
Grief is the proof that love is still there."
― Tessa Shaffer, Heaven Has No Regrets

~.~.~

Rey knew all about waiting, and what it meant to be isolated.

Her parents had left her on Jakku when she was young. Later on, she would come to know this was intended to keep her protected from the Emperor but to a six-year-old child, it meant total and complete abandonment. While she craved to one day be reunited with them, she adapted and learned how to endure on the bleak arid region on her own. Her travails in the deserts of her homeworld had galvanized her, transforming her into a competent mechanic, pilot, and combatant during her isolation.

In 34 ABY as the "cold war"—an unsanctioned term used to characterize the state of geopolitical hostilities amongst the New Republic and First Order—the scavenger Rey formed brand-new friendships with Finn, a turncoat Stormtrooper, and veterans Han Solo and Chewbacca. It was through Han Solo that she learned all the legends of the Force were true. She believed in the existence of the Force, but always lacked the knowledge due to limited exposure to its powers.

Unbeknownst to her, Rey's connection to the Force had unknowingly manifested when she was thirteen years of age.

She was nineteen when she first saw Kylo Ren, before ever meeting him in person, when Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber triggered a Force-induced vision with images of Luke Skywalker, the burning wreckage of the Jedi temple on Ahch-To, and 'darkforce user' standing above her. When at last they encountered each other in person, Rey was stricken with absolute terror – but then, something else: familiarity. It was only after he removed his helmet, and she got a good look at his face, that her blood sung with fire. She saw images of a boy, a boy utterly terrified of what he had become but powerless to stop it.

Despite her initial hatred for Kylo, she would indeed be seeing again, and not just the moment of heated passion as their lightsabers locked in epic battle of control and power.

A connection had grown. A connection within the Force. When he first appeared to her on Ahch-To, Rey showed her infuriation whilst all he had done was show confusion at this sudden connection to her. He was trying to understand why the Force was pulling them together. Why now? Though initially irked by Kylo at his nearly dismissive behavior, she was genially surprised about open he was with his emotions. It felt ironic how Luke had rejected her just as she rejected Kylo.

The bond began to grow stronger, suddenly piquing Rey's interest. She had inexplicably become habituated to his presence around her. Instead of seeking out Luke, she discovered consolation in Kylo; he understood her feelings of loneliness and rejection. During one evening following her experience in the mirror cave, it was Kylo who Rey sought out. I thought I'd find answers here, she told him… I've never felt so alone…

You're not alone…

Rey's heart tightened in her chest. Neither are you…

She reached out to him—physically—not believing she would be able to touch him as this bond of theirs never allowed for genuine interaction before, something that had at one time put her mind at ease. Rey was taken aback when Kylo reached for her as well. When their hands touched, it was as if lightning had struck her. Their minds and souls had been laid bare before the other. She could feel everything. See everything. These steadfast, visceral sensations she had never felt before. Her heartbeat was thick and heavy inside her own head, as well as his, and she could feel it pounding in his chest, his blood gushing through his veins.

Rey saw something then. What she saw was enough to convince herself that Ben Solo was still very much alive and that Kylo Ren was nothing more than a frigid shell. There was still conflict within him, and she was determined to help him.

Though she had hoped to reason with him, her brief moment of joy ultimately turned into bitter disappointment when it appeared he opted to maintain his downward spiral into obscurity.

Upon Snoke's death, they assumed their connection was severed. They were wrong.

The First Order stormed through the massive hole in the stone door; Kylo Ren was leading the charge, and stormtroopers with rifles scampered behind him like roaches.

But there was no one to meet them—only empty transports, discarded equipment, and a cavern devoid of anyone other than themselves. With a face full of ferocity, he swept into the control room. It, too, appeared completely vacant. Something on the floor caught Kylo's attention. As he knelt, and as his fingers fixed firmly around the pair of golden dice, he identified something—a tremor, a tingling warm sensation, but no less familiar in its signature.

While once they battle against their opposing enemy, now they regarded each other as if nothing more than strangers again. Yet, Kylo sensed there was neither hatred nor compassion spinning in her eyes. Her body stood rigid, her eyes staring through him; he was feeling almost…paralyzed under such a foreboding stare. It felt very disconcerting. He could not recognize the emotion amalgamating through her eyes. They burned into him, clamping a vice grip around his heart. A deep-rooted discomfort began to seed itself in his chest.

Rey was irate with him. She honestly believed he was the one who betrayed everything he had once been, and the person he should have been. By her actions alone, the only thing she achieved was pressing him even further down the preverbal dark hole of despair.

The Falcon's ramp had shut, severely their link.

Permanently.

Or so they thought.

It was late one evening. She had just had a meal with Poe and Finn. Rey retreated to her quarters for refresh when it hit her. At first, it felt like a bout of extreme nausea. She attempted the meditation that General Organa instilled in her but even after several moments where Rey thought she felt relaxed, she was rushing off to the refresher and hurling into the waste bin. Upon returning to her quarters, she was taken aback to see Kylo standing there, also looking like he had just gotten sick. She was spitting mad. Rey had serious questions. So did he. They demanded to know why this thing between them was back; it was meant to have gone.

She didn't sleep that evening. And she didn't tell anyone about it, either. The less they know, the better off they were. That's what she told herself. She tried to think of why their bond had returned but it just ended up confusing her even more than she already was. And it was only going to continue growing.

They later learned further truth: they were a bonded pair, a dyad in the force—a pairing of two Force-sensitive beings. The power of this dyad was as strong as life itself. It had been foretold in prophecy, unseen for generations, featured prominently in the lord of the Sith Eternal cultists. Physically, they were two separate individuals but in the Force, they were one. The connection could cover great light years of space, allowing them to see and hear one another, but also sense what the other felt. When in combat, their powers mirrored and amplified.

The culmination of their shared animosity finally came to ahead atop the ruins of the second Death Star. General Organa knew she was dying and reached through the Force for her son… one last time. It sent a ripple effect through their bond. Kylo had stumbled, enabling Rey to run him through with his own saber. And then, as if a thousand voices all cried out to her at once, she felt sick to her stomach. What had she done? Her hands were trembling as she dropped to her knees beside him. She was breathing hard compared to each shallow breath he was taking. One right after the other. His wound was mortal; this she knew. But in a moment of escalating triumph, Rey couldn't do it. She couldn't watch him die.

She closed her eyes and reached out, putting a hand on his chest. She focused on her own lifeforce, sharing what she could so that she might save Kylo. She could feel it—muscle and sinew and skin knitting themselves back together, and then his breathing evening out. But, there was something else. A white light of pure energy pulsing through his body. Ben! The fierce heartbeat beneath Rey's palm no longer felt burdened by the power of the dark side.

I did want to take your hand… Ben's hand… the voice echoed through Kylo's head, even long after she had gone, long before memories of his father put Han Solo in front of him… and even when he formally renounced the name Kylo Ren.

The defeat of Emperor Palpatine brought forward both elation… and sorrow. Even now, she remembered. As she gazed around at the tumbled wreckage of the cathedral—the lightsabers tumbled from her grasp, clinking against the floor—she was reaching into the force. She could sense her friend; Poe, Finn… but, she couldn't sense Ben. She couldn't feel him. Inside. Rey wouldn't remember as her legs gave out from under her.

Is this what it felt like to die?

There was that moment—the one teetering between life and death—where Rey thought she was sensing that familiar ripple in the Force. That Ben had indeed survived and crawled back to her. Her eyes lit up. He was staring down at her, a pained smile imprinted on his face. She seemed surprised. It had taken her a moment to understand what had happened here. She assumed she had been dead. Instead, Rey was smiling at him, and calling out his name—his true name.

She reached for him, clasping his face, her fingers tracing lines on the side on his cheek. Rey leaned in, pressing her lips to his own, and feeling the warmth of his body radiating into hers as his arms wrapped tight around her body, drawing her further in.

But just as this new sensation of hope dawned on her, there was concern. Rey drew back almost as quickly. Ben was growing cold.

He offered up one final smile, a smile of peace: …always…love… she could hear him, barely.

Ben collapsed backward, her hand still clasping his… and the Force welcomed him as if it were welcoming an old friend long thought gone.

Rey remained seated for the longest time, just staring over the very spot where he once was. Now, it was just his empty tunic. Tears streaked across her face. She finally found someone she could love—passionately…and he was just… gone.

She had wandered the base, observing how others elated in their shared joy. People were clasping her on the back, congratulating her. She had wished she could be as jovial as they were. Pain had ebbed at her heart. She attempted a smile, as fake as it was, trying not to give reason for their questions. But when she spotted Finn and Poe, the people she had been looking for, the same forced emotions keeping her tears at bay had collapsed inward on themselves. She was thankful for their warming embrace.

Rey had never told them about Ben. She never explained the Force bond, the dyad… the outpouring of love she sensed for him—none of it. They knew him as Kylo Ren—Supreme Leader of the First Order—not as Ben Solo. She clandestinely harbored those feelings for just herself, even as she secreted herself away to a distant planet, away from it all. One day, they'd understand.

Weeks passed by her. Months even. She used any odd job she could as a distraction, and there was plenty of that to go around. She fixed up what she could, throwing herself full long into her work.

On nights when her grief would become too much to bear, Rey would slip into a black sweater much too large for her, but she would fit her arms through the sleeves and hug them around her body. She would inhale the scent that still lingered there. Of him. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine it was Ben hugging her, keeping her warm on the cold desert nights. And then she would feel just a little bit better.

She tried to recall her training with Leia. Be with me… be with me… She relaxed her body, meditating and focusing only on her own thoughts, whilst inhaling that musky sweetness from the sweater.

…be with me …be with me… It was the same as when she called the Jedi who came before her, and their voices filled the air around her then, bringing her to full awareness. Her mind was swimming through time and space and all too suddenly, her entire being felt… warm.

Ben? She begged the Force that it was. That is was him—

And then… a voice.

I'm here, Rey.

Where are you?

Here, came his voice again, open your eyes, Rey… She did so, and there he stood before her, as she remembered him, as if he had never left her in the first place. A sob cracked through her throat. She wanted more than anything to throw herself into his arms… to let him envelop her in his embrace… to continuously pepper him with kisses until they were both too exhausted to breathe.

Rey left to her feet, intent on doing just that… but she stopped herself short, unsure; "… can I… " I want so much to touch you… she wanted to tell him.

Ben, sensing her intention, had stepped forward until a gap had closed between them. All she had to do now was reach out. Where she expected her hand to moved through him, it instead rested against flesh.. or what could constitute as such. Ben Solo was still very much gone. But just the sensation was enough to send Rey's heart into a whirlwind. Tears prickled her eyes, still quite unsure yet surprised all the same.

His hand lifted, fingers enclosing around her hand. They were so massive compared to hers. "Your eyes don't deceive you, Rey. This is me…"

She had questions.

"H-How…? How is possible you're here, like this?" She was grateful for the thumb that brushed away the tears that had fallen from her eyes. "I saw you. I-I saw you fade…. I was so sure you had become one with the Force, and that I might never see you again. But you're here! You're actually here!" Tears continued streaking down the sides of her face; she couldn't stop them even if she wanted to.

"Rey—" saying her name, as it passed through his lips, felt like a sting, "—what you saw was still real, but… you must understand… " Her eyes looked so hopeful, so full of light, as he remembered them, "…I did what I did because I couldn't bear the thought of living in a world without you in it. Even if it meant my own death, I had to bring you back… I had to give what I had left in me so you would live…"

She stifled a sob.

"You had so much left to give. So much to do. I'd be selfish if I robbed this world like that. Rey—" He drew himself closer, so that he towered above her. His fingers combed through her hair. If his heart had still been beating, it would be breaking right now. "—know that I do love you. I always have. You saved me. There's no greater gift than that. Oh, Rey. I wish you wouldn't hurt as you do…"

No, she shook her head; "This isn't fair. I need you with me. I want you with me…"

"Nothing in life is fair. The Force brought us together for a reason. And even as my life was ending, I knew I could die happily because you had given me the one thing I had been missing for years: hope. Please don't grieve for me. Instead, celebrate and remember."

"But, I—"

Ben hushed her with a finger pressed against her lips; "Close your eyes."

Rey did so, though she didn't know why. She was afraid. Afraid that if she opened them again, he wouldn't be standing there, and she would be left broken hearted.

His lips were on hers. She froze. It was as if time itself stood still. Nothing else around them mattered. The pleasure of it deepened. She was enraptured by his kiss, the way her heart began to pitter patter in her chest like it did. It was breathtaking. It was sensual. It was… warm. It made her feel safe and secure in a way she had never been before, but also vulnerable.

When Rey opened her eyes, she was elated to see him still there; "Ben, don't leave me…"

"Our bond cannot be broken so easily."

He kissed her again.

When she opened her eyes, he was no longer there. What she thought she would feel—sorrow, desolation…anguish—she felt… hope.

Rey no longer felt the cold sting of agony whenever she thought of Ben.

She felt… comfort.

The lightsabers she buried were a representation of those before her—her teachers, her family. She had since made her own… strangely, she truly believed Ben had been with her, guiding her, when her saber was constructed, salved with her quarterstaff. It was so… perfect.

On one evening, there came a voice; "Hello!" An older woman had approached. She waited until Rey was looking at her. "There's been no one for so long. Who are you?"

"I'm Rey."

The old woman pressed. "Rey who?"

She took a moment. To compose herself. For years, she had no family name. Something pulled at her just then. A light in the Force, perhaps. Rey turned. Standing far off were Luke and Leia… and standing beside them was Ben, smiling forever at her. She felt… warmed, at peace.

Rey turned back to the unknown woman; "Rey Skywalker."

She and Ben were married in the Force. It felt right she'd take his family name. If it meant being able to hold onto him, she wear the name with pride.