A/N: My real fans know what's up, this ain't for you lovely people lol

Disclaimer: I only own the plot, I don't own any of the brands or franchises in this fic.

It was a balmy afternoon. I finally got my children, Aiden, and Hayden, to lie down for a much needed nap. Being a mom to two beautiful angels is tough; the toughest job on the planet. God, I need some mommy juice. I sighed as I made my to the kitchen and pulled out a new bottle of wine. You know what, I'm just gonna drink the whole thing, I earned it. Heating up chicken nuggets in the microwave for my growing boys is tiring work. I padded back to my room, grabbing my ipad on the way. I eagerly shut the door and locked it.

It's been a looong day, posting pics of my kids on Facebook and refreshing for likes all day. I'm not a perfect mom, but I live for my boys. My phone buzzed as I laid on the lumpy bed. Ugh, I brush Cheetos crumbs out of my hair, I really need a shower. I haven't taken one in about 2 weeks. My asshole husband had the audacity to complain. Being a stay at home mom is hard work, he should draw me a candle lit bubble bath and wash the month old bed sheets if he really cares about the smell. I sniffed my armpits again, I don't smell that bad. I took off my robe, feeling myself in my worn bralet and panties. Finally, some me time.

I picked up the ipad and frowned when I noticed several new scratches and a booger... I grimaced and wiped the screen clean on my titty. Now, to see if there are any new fics on the 50 shades fandom. I see a questionable title. 50 Shades of Irradiated Cum? What the hell? I gagged as I continued to read the "story". This is not what I came here for! I can't insert myself into this shit! Shoving a lizard in your ass and then eating it?! C'mon! I kept reading, feeling my blood pressure rise. Christian would certainly not want a jar full of someone else's semen, let alone drink it. I leave a guest review, telling the author how much this sucked. They must be sick in the head if this is what they write. I can't masturbate to this shit. Where's the spanking, the weird abusive version of BDSM, the bondage?!

I huffed and switched to facebook. One of my mommy friends shared a fire Minions meme with the caption "Exercise? I thought you said 'extra fries'!" I smashed that share button. I scrolled through my feed, passive aggressively liking my husband's female co worker's new profile pic. How dare she? She ought to cover up, my husband could see this. I keep scrolling, heart reacting one of my #bossbabe friend's posts. I saw myself in the reflection of the screen and scowled. My bralet was stained and had a few unsightly holes. That's momlife for you.

I get off facebook and go back to the 50 Shades fanfiction. OMG, they posted another story, I rolled my eyes in annoyance and clicked on The Right Choice. I furrowed my brows as I continued to read, its not bad, but I'm not a fan as I'm middle class and a mommy above all else. I don't review and go back to looking for steamy fics. I read the update to one of my favorite fics. My nipples harden as I read a particular steamy scene. I run my fingers down my exposed belly, goosebumps formed on my skin as my breath quickened. I sighed in disappointment when I got to the end. It was much too short. I refresh the page and low and behold this weird pesky author posted yet another fic. I can't help but read it.

Old habits die hard? More like you killed my hard on. Having Anastasia shock his balls and torture his nipples is a definite turn off. I need a domineering man to tie me up and take out his mommy issues on me, not femdom, ick. The organ harvesting at the end was a sick a twist... though it did make my bean twitch slightly, much to my horror. The idea of Christian's severed head shoved down on their bedpost angered me. What the hell?! I leave a scathing review, this person needs help. I think as I go to read a one shot of detailed smut, fantasizing about another man that isn't my husband.

Irritated I go back on the hunt for more erotic fics. I need more Christian x Reader fics in my life. I read a few more updated fics, feeling myself get hot and bothered again. I slide my hand down south and start fingering myself. I stifle a moan as my kids were in the next room. It had been weeks since my husband touched me. Feeling myself get closer I run out of material and refreshed the page. The annoying author had posted another fic. Does this person have a life? Don't they watch their kids or something?! I rolled my eyes. I angrily clicked on the fic called Coleus Sanctus. My jaw dropped at the blasphemy before my eyes! This is straight up sinful! I force myself to finish reading it, my stomach churned. What kind of mind thinks of things like this I wondered. This person is going straight to hell for this, unlike me lusting after a fictional man that isn't my husband. I tell them how sick they are and move on to another fic. Too upset and without a sense of humor.

I ended up passing out from exhaustion, pissed I didn't get to cum, thanks to that asshole freak. Who gets off to stuff like that?! I mean they probably get off to it since they wrote it, not as a funny parody or anything. I sleepily refreshed the page and saw they posted a sequel, Punishment, to the last shitty fic. I held a hand over my mouth in shock. I felt my cheeks heat up as I continued to read. Christian drinking bowels of his own semen by a demonic version of Mary wasn't my idea of funny, and if it doesn't fit my exact sense of humor then its unfunny for everyone. I leave an incredibly angry review, telling them to stop writing and how sick they are for daring to have a sense of humor. How dare they post something that wasn't sexy and tailored to my fantasy, its in the 50 shades fandom for crying out loud! I want to forget I'm a miserable 33 year old, stay at home mom, with an inattentive husband. I want to pretend I'm the hot young twenty something Anastasia Steele that's irresistible to a billionaire! I want to forget about my mediocre life.

I definitely told them with that last review, even though I never created anything of my own, except my darling angels of course. Other than that I don't have a creative bone in my body and try to police how other people create things since I feel powerless in my own life.

"Karen!" called my husband from living room. He knocked on the door to our bedroom. I rolled my eyes and opened the door for him. " Hey, babe, how was your and the kids day?" He asked as he stripped out of his stinky work clothes. Ever since I had our first born he let himself go and gained 20 pounds, turning me off completely. "I brought home, dinner, love." He said as he put on some fresh clothes. I perked up when he mentioned food. " Oh, did you bring home any KFC?" I asked hopefully. He gave me a faint smile and shook his head. "No, I brought home some fresh fit from subway and bought a salad kit." He said as he wrapped a loving arm around my waist. I gave him a disapproving look, and pulled out of his embrace. "Why didn't you bring home anything that actually tastes good, Andrew?!" I spat, seething. "The wraps are pretty good and I tried to get something you might like, and salads can be dressed up to be delicious and nutritious. You have to feed the kids and yourself something other than McDonald's and KFC, Karen. I love you three and I want us to be healthy and happy." He said as he went in for a kiss, I give him the quickest of pecks and plop down on the bed, crossing my arms. "The kids won't eat anything else and I'm tired!" I snapped, glaring hatefully at Andrew.

"Karen, I hate to be blunt with you darling, but you've gained over a hundred pounds since you had Aiden and I don't expect you to conform to society's insane beauty standards. I love you and think you're beautiful, I'm worried though, being 300 pounds isn't healthy and I don't want to lose you to something that is preventable. I don't care how you look in regard to your weight, I just don't want to lose my wife to an unhealthy lifestyle. You don't have to do it alone, I'm right by your side. We'll start going on walks and I'll prep a lunch for the kids before work if that makes it easier on you." He said, getting frustrated.

I rolled my eyes. "They won't eat anything but chicken nuggets and mountain dew. And frankly, Andrew how dare you comment on my weight or health when I gave you two amazing boys and stay at home with them as they play fortnite all day and I scroll Facebook!" I seethed. "Karen, that's...you know what, never mind, if you don't want to do it for yourself, at least cook for the boys instead of feeding them nuggets every meal. I work all day while you sit on your ass reading that mommy porn shit and the house is a shit mess, the kids are dirty as hell-" He said, growing angry. I cut him off, "Don't you dare criticize how I raise our kids!" I screeched with balled fists. He rolled his eyes and stormed out of the room, shaking his head.

I slam the door shut and lock him out. How dare he! I hate my life, I broke down crying. I picked up my iPad in a rage and left a few angry reviews on that stupid author's stories. I sneered as I clicked on their stupid profile. Of course, they had no kids so they were posting these dumb ass stories and living for themselves, thinking they're oh so funny. I bet they were some punk ass teenager too. I hope they get pregnant and get taken down a few pegs! I threw my Ipad on the floor and screamed when the screen broke.