So I haven't given up on Sleepwalking I'm just writing this at the same time because inspiration struck and I have entirely too much time on my hands right now. This one is going to be an angst filled doozy. There's going to be a lot of flashbacks and and time jumps but I'll label everything accordingly and it won't get confusing. I felt like their was a lot more that should have been explored in the five year span we missed out on add in an ofc and the soulmate trope and voila!
" I lost my faith
I'm losing my religion every day
Time hasn't been kind to me, I pray
When I look inside the mirror and see someone I love
Oh, someone I love" Faith by The Weeknd
Chapter 1: I Lost My Faith
What do you do when your entire reason for living is ripped away from you? How do you live? How am I supposed to survive this? I collapse onto the ground beside Steve, next to the dead body of Vision. On instinct Steve reaches out to steady me. His big hands are grasping my arms. He's speaking to me, looking both devastated and concerned. Of course he'd be concerned even after all that's happening, he still has to try to be the savior, the protector. I realize now that his voice isn't reaching my ears, my vision is blurring around the edges, I'm cold. Someone calls out my name before I fall into darkness.
"She's waking up!" Is that Pepper?
The room is too bright as I peel my eyes open. It is Pepper. She's standing beside Natasha, Steve, and Bruce. Wait am I in the medical bay at the compound? How the hell did we get here? How long have I been out?
"How are you feeling Finley?" Bruce is fiddling with a bag of fluid hanging from an IV pole. Wait why do I have an IV? I'm not in my tactical gear anymore, I'm in a T-shirt and sweats I don't think I've worn in years. Not since I started wearing Bucky's….Bucky! Oh God!
"How the fuck do you think I'm feeling!?" My voice is louder than it should be and everyone visibly flinches. The feel of the needle under my skin is making me sick, shouldn't they have known better than to do that? Before anyone even realizes my intentions I'm unceremoniously ripping the IV out of my arm. Steve shoots me a disapproving look as does Bruce.
"You were severely dehydrated. You've been out for almost three days, I'm not quite sure why other than stress and exhaustion." I lost my soul mate, that's why. No one has ever loved anyone the way Bucky and I love each other, that's what Natasha has always said.
Steve pulls a chair up to my hospital bed and sits down as close as he can to me. He reaches out to take my hand in his but it only takes a moment for the contact to be too much, I rip my hand away from his. I can't shut him out right now and I can barely handle my own grief. He must understand because he doesn't press the issue.
"We're going to get through this together Fin. We'll find a way to bring them all back." Why do I have a feeling that isn't going to happen? There's so much emotion wanting to burst forth out of me, how long can I hold it in?
Three weeks have passed at a snails pace. The days blur together. When did I last eat? When did I last sleep? The compound is always too quiet even with all of us that are left living here. No one knows what to say or do. Steve and Natasha spend all their time trying to find Thanos, trying to find a solution. Everyone checks on me fifty times a day like I'm a child. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything.
Pepper entering my room means it's dinner time. She takes a seat on the end of my bed. Anyone outside of those who know her well might think she still looks like the perfectly coiffed CEO of Stark Industries. All I see is someone whose pain echos my own. Of course she still looks far more put together than me. I can't remember the last time I ran a brush through my hair. I've been wearing sweatpants that are getting looser by the day and one of Bucky's henleys for three days now.
"Will you please come eat dinner? I know it feels like you can't breathe right now but I'd feel a little better if I had you next to me at the table." Pepper isn't the kind of woman to try to guilt you into something, she's too straight forward for that. She genuinely means what she says. She and Tony have always been like the older siblings I always wanted, well at least they were before Siberia. Pepper still always kept in touch even if Tony wasn't willing to forgive me for siding with Steve, for choosing Bucky.
"I don't know if I can Pep." Theres so much more I want to say, things I need to say, but the words are stuck. I'm scared if I voice any of it that it won't stop, that everything I'm trying so desperately to keep in will escape. Is there even a point anymore?
There's a loud whirring sound that interrupts our conversation, the windows of my room are shaking from what id guess to be some kind of aircraft. Peppers eyes widen in what I'm assuming is hope as she darts from my room. Had that strange woman Carol Danvers really found someone floating out in the middle of space? When she appeared on Earth saying she had received a page from Nick Fury and Thor's new friend Rocket had told her he was receiving a distress call from his and his former teams spacecraft the collective hope was that somehow Tony would be a passenger on the ship. Could that be the case?
For the first time in weeks I drag myself from my bed. When I reach the front lawn where everyone else is already standing I stop dead in my tracks because Tony Stark is alive. Tears prick at my eyes as I watch Steve help him across the lawn into Pepper's waiting arms. I'm not smiling though, the relief leaves as quickly as it came. Am I incapable of being happy now? Jealousy rears it's ugly head at the looks of love being shared between Pepper and Tony.
It took all of twenty minutes of us all being seated at the table together for the fighting to begin. Obviously time hasn't done a damn thing to heal the rift between Steve and Tony. The rage, grief, regret, all of everyone's emotions are slamming into me with so much force that I want to scream. I can't block any of it out right now. I haven't had this lack of control over my abilities since I was a child. It's amplifying everything within me and I can't handle it anymore.
"Shut up! Both of you shut the fuck up!" All eyes shift to me. I don't even realize I'm standing for a moment. It's Tony that speaks up because of my harsh comment.
"You're looking a little rough there kid. I think you need to sit back down." It's the bitterness in his tone that finally makes me lose it. A humorless laugh bubbles it's way out of me and I realize I'm sounding a little beyond hysterical. If he had any sense he would have stoped there.
"I know you're a little upset about your mindless assassin booty call getting dusted but if you ask me it might just be one of the only positive things to come out of all of this so why don't you get a grip and…" He's crying out in pain and laying on the floor with his hands gripping either side of his head before anyone even has a chance to realize what's happening. Steve grips me by my arms and tries to shake me to break my concentration, he's yelling my name. Everyone else who knows me well enough to know what's happening looks on in horror. Do I look like a monster with my eyes glowing an unnatural green? When was the last time I had used my powers like this? Used them for anything other than good, to heal? The last time Tony and I had spoken I had threatened but never had I acted, especially not on someone I cared about.
"How's it feel Ton? That's just a taste of what's going on inside of me right now! That's the pain I'm living with every second of every day. That combined with the rest of your guys's bullshit. Don't you ever, ever, say a god damn word about him ever again. Or I swear to God I will use ever ounce of power inside me to destroy you." Even Steve looks at me like I've gone too far but it's Pepper's sobs that get me to break the mental hold I have on Tony.
"Finley, he already needed medical attention! You can't lash out like this just because you're hurt, we've all lost people here." Steve Rogers is one of my best friends but that doesn't matter right now. None of this matters. His words just continue to fuel the already boiling rage I can't contain.
"And whose fault is that!" The pain that statement caused him is written plainly in his expression, like I'd slapped him across the face. Natasha shakes her head at me, trying to stop the torrent of abuse that's about to leave my mouth. "Neither one of you could put aside your fucking arrogance to fix things. If we wouldn't have been divided none of this would have happened! You had two years to mend fences! And you know what I was doing for that two years?" Tony looks up at me from his spot on the floor, he looks more exhausted than anything. Steve looks like he might actually cry. Of course everyone is too upset to say anything so I continue.
"I spent two months helping Shuri remove Hydra's corruption and programming from Bucky's mind. I spent one year and four months helping Bucky acclimate to a new life, to actually living his life for the first time in over seventy years." My voice cracks as tears stream down my face but I continue on. "The last six months I spent being his WIFE." Shock and even more sadness is leaking out of Steve's aura. He goes to speak but I cut him off. "He didn't want to fight anymore. He wanted to keep farming for T'challa, he wanted to raise more animals. He wanted to build us a real house rather than the hut we were living in. He wanted to continue to walk with me to the market every Saturday. He wanted to keep learning science shit from Shuri that I'd never understand but he did because he was so damn smart and I loved hearing him talk about it all because he lit up every single time. He wanted to have kids! He just wanted to be happy!" I know Steve is crying now too but I can't see through my tears. "Wasn't it enough that he spent seventy years being abused and tortured and used? He didn't deserve to pay the price for your fuck ups! I lost my soulmate. We were a perfect match, a perfect soul bond. Do you know how rare that is? Do you know the survival rate of the other half once one of you dies?" The silence after I stop yelling is deafening. There's so much more to say but I've already said too much. Beneath the agony of my loss I'm aware that I shouldn't have lashed out at the people I love. I can't take it back now and a sick part of me needed to say those words, needed someone to hurt.
I turn around without another word and make my way back to my room. My tears have all dried up. Do I have anything left to give? Even lowering myself onto my bed is exhausting, but I let sleep pull me under the second my head hits the pillow. It's the first night in these three weeks that I dream of Bucky. I dream of the first night I ever met him, before I knew who he was, when I was only a child.
My life began with blinding whiteness, at least what I remember as the beginning. My first memory is being lost in an endless frozen tundra. I can still feel the unsettling coldness that had crept into my tiny bones, I was only four. The tears had seemed to freeze to my cheeks. My cries for my father were lost on the harsh Siberian winds. What happened? Why was I alone out there freezing to death?
I remember falling, being too tired to stand. My body was shivering violently. My white coat, furry white hat, and gloves had me almost becoming one with my snow filled surroundings if it weren't for the shock of black waves that fell almost to my waist. Green eyes were heavy and if it weren't for the sudden crunch of nearby footfall I may have fallen asleep and never woken up again.
There was a man standing above me. His top made from black leather and a mask and goggles covering his face, weapons were strapped to his waist and I knew I should've been scared but all I felt was the relief of calmness that swept over me the second he came into view. He held a gloved hand out to me and I took it without question.
The journey back to my father had felt like hours and of course he didn't so much as thank the mystery man but at the time that didn't matter, I was just happy to be back with the person I thought was my safe haven. I had turned to the man in black before he could leave and wrapped myself around one of his legs in a hug, he had saved me after all. He patted me gently on the back which for some reason made my father angry. There was so much I didn't understand then, so many secrets being kept, so many lies.
I wake up with a gasp at the sound of someone knocking on my door. Tears are already welling in my eyes. Can I please just go back to sleep? Will I see him again?
My door pushes open, I'm more than a little surprised to see Pepper standing there. I sit up but don't move to her up or say anything.
"For what it's worth, I know Tony will be sorry once he wakes up." I'm confused. Shouldn't she be mad at me for what I did earlier? I move my legs as she steps forward and plops down at the foot of my bed.
"I shouldn't have used my powers against him." My voice is small and strained. Pepper exhales loudly and shakes her head before meeting my eyes.
"No you shouldn't have but I'd rather see you act like that than the lack of emotion you've been showing lately. Tony shouldn't have said that about Bucky, least of all to you, he was asking for a bad reaction. He's hurt and lashing out same as you. You know I don't agree with his beliefs when it comes to Bucky. I know it wasn't him who did all those things and deep down Tony does too but he has no idea how else to process that grief." I still have so much anger swimming through my veins, so much pain.
"None of it really matters now though does it? He's dead and he's not coming back." The disappointment and sadness that's painted across Peppers face is too much for me to handle. I look down at my hands as I pick at the skin that surround my fingernails, a nervous habit that Bucky would usually chide me for.
"Steve and the others left with Carol. They've located Thanos…they want to try to reverse things." My eyes snap back up to hers. What? They left without me.
"Why didn't anyone wake me up!?" I'm on my feet again, pacing like something caged and that's how I'm feeling.
"Nat thought it best to let you rest. Everyone has been so worried and they didn't want you to make any rash decisions." Humorless laughter echoes through my room as I feel myself losing control again.
"Why is everyone so god damn worried about me!? We've all been depressed!" She holds her hands up in defense, trying to get me to calm down, I know my eyes must be glowing again and I take a few deep breaths to reign myself in.
"Fin, we all love you. You're always the strong one and you're always comforting everyone else no matter how bad it gets and now it's like you've completely shut down. It's understandable given all you've been through in the past…well your whole life really. But you not putting up some kind of a fight or helping with the search lately? It's unsettling." Her statement hits hard and I almost hate her for a moment for it.
"If you all wanted me to fight you should have woken me up and let me go with them!" Yelling at Pepper isn't productive and she sure as hell doesn't deserve it but I'm being ruled by my emotions. Tony could waltz right in and say pot meet kettle and he'd be right, I'm no better than him. Even now Pep doesn't raise her voice at me.
"Would you have really been helping though or would you have just blindly went after Thanos with nothing but revenge on your mind? Hurting him won't help us and Steve knows that." Id be an unstable liability, even I know that.
"We will never win until we're all united again. The Avengers are broken and I'm not sure there's any way to fix things. Our dead are just that, dead. I just hope those who left make it back in one piece." She seems to realize there's nothing left to say because she leaves my room with nothing but a softly muttered goodnight.
I'm not surprised that the trip through space was for what amounted to be nothing. I'm a little envious that Thor got to chop the evil bastards head off but I'm not particularly more upset than I already have been. I swing wildly between feeling completely numb and so overwrought with heartache that I can't even bring myself to sit up in bed.
Everyone seems to try their best to move forward but not me. I'm stuck. I don't even know why Natasha and Steve haven't kicked me out of the compound.
Tony and Pepper married quietly and left to build their own home and life. Bruce disappeared to Wakanda to do something science related. Rhodey is off trying to find Clint who has disappeared entirely. Carol, Rocket, and Nebula are back in space helping where they can. Thor returned to the newly built New Asgard though he seems to not be fairing much better than I am. We're even more broken than before. I don't even know what the point in living is anymore but there's some tiny speck of hope buried beneath the endless layers of negative emotions that maybe somehow someway I won't have lost the love of my life forever. Is it possible or will I just drown in my despair before death finally decides to take me?