A/N: BOO YAH BABY. I've been working on this piece FOR A MONTH and I finally finished part one. So here ya go my fellow Bellarke fans (although it's going to rip your heart out first before it gets better, but I promise I've got tons of fluff coming in other fics)!
Disclaimer 1: Heavy emphasis on depression and suicidal thoughts/attempts, so if that bothers you, I beg of you to just skip over this fic.
Disclaimer 2: I do not own any of The 100 characters or plotline points that belong to the show.
I fell by the wayside, like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself…
Clarke Griffin had been many things in her time out of space, she had been a leader and a warrior, she'd been a friend and confident, she'd been the Commander of Death. Yet, nobody could see that Clarke Griffin had also been a young girl, a child in a big scary world and worst of all, nobody could see how absolutely lost she was. Perhaps it was because at one point in her life she wasn't lost; she was a typical teenager on the Ark with typical teenage drama. She had friends and parents that loved her, she had her art and she had found her calling in the medical bays alongside her mother.
And then…
And then she had found herself in solitary confinement. She had found herself staring at white walls. She had found herself curled up on a cold lumpy mattress with a threadbare blanket that was scratchy to the touch and a flat pillow that felt nonexistent most nights. She had found herself remembering her fathers' words, his hushed but brisk tone and the desperation in his eyes. She found herself remembering the last time they touched, how tight the hug was, and the bone crushing realization that this was it and this was how life on the Ark was going to end. She remembered his eyes, the same shade of her own, as they peered into her. "I love you Clarke, do you hear me? I love you."
And then Jake Griffin was floated.
And then, standing at the airlock that her father had just been ejected from with tears in her eyes and trembles in her hands, her mother –her own fucking mother, had her placed in handcuffs and carted away to confinement. Sent her off with ease, not so much as a blink as Clarke sent look after look after look over her shoulder. Abby Griffin visited her daughter the following day and Clarke sat on her lumpy mattress with her eyes on her knees, Abby didn't sit down, didn't run a hand through her daughters' hair, didn't whisper the comforting words that she desperately needed to hear and didn't offer any acknowledgement to the death of her husband. No, Abby Griffin did none of those things, but she did insist that this was for Clarke's own good.
Clarke spent a lot of time reliving her final moments with her father in that room. She spent a lot of nights laying awake and listening to the hum of the Ark and replaying his words. She tried to imagine his calculations and blueprints in front of her, tried to find a flaw somewhere in her mind, but the reality was still reality. The Ark was dying. The Ark was dying and her dad was dead and she was next. The Ark was dying, her dad was dead and she was next, but not like that, not by their hands. Things spiraled from there, because Clarke fixated on things, it was simply how her mind worked and once an idea formed she can't shake it. So she begins to plan it all out, in meticulous detail and runs through all the possible situations. After all, she has a year until they come knocking on her door.
Over the course of that year she figures out the cleanliest way is the best way, no need to leave a mess behind –although the shade of red that would come of that would complement the artwork she's tattooed onto the walls of her cell. She took time to draw out tress and landscapes, beaches and people –her father. She's still so angry at everyone else in her life; at Wells because he told his father, at Thelonius because as Chancellor he should have seen this as something other than treason and worst of all at her mother for hitting that damn button. All the anger in the world doesn't stop the fact that Clarke Griffin is going to die on her eighteenth birthday, it just solidifies that she's going to die at her hands and on her terms. She figures that leaving a note is too cliché, plus she's still too angry to even think about apologizing to them.
She's been in solitary confinement for almost a year, two weeks left to go and Clarke feels ready. She's ready to die. She's ready to put –what she now sees as miserable example, of life in a metal deathtrap to end. She's ready to finally take control of her life, even if it's just to end it. She's made peace with herself and with her maker. She took up to filling the last of the available space in her cell, she's on the ground drawing these ongoing empty swirls and tries not to think about the emptiness that has built itself into her core, she tries not to think about how she went from being a normal and happy person to this shell of desperation. She tries not to think about it, because clinically she knows that she's not some martyr that's seeking social justice, she's depressed and somehow that's something much worse to live with than with the weight of her father's death and her mother's cold stare.
Her door is forced open and guards are coming in ordering her to stand up and put her hands behind her back and to hurry up and all she can think is that they know and of course that sets off an urgency in her; "I still have two weeks! It's not time yet!" and she's being shoved and pushed and she's fighting, she doesn't notice that all of the cells that surround her also being emptied and other kids are being shoved and yelled at. She does, however, see her mother, but she can't make out what Abby is trying to say to her before they prick her neck with a sedative and all she sees is black.
She doesn't have time to process that her plans are ruined because she's on the ground and suddenly survival seems to be the most important thing for everyone.
Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words I needed to say…
This new planet brings something to everyone left on the ring, something like hope and warmth, because no matter how hard you tried you couldn't get warm on the ship in space. Space wasn't meant for things like happiness and heat, space wasn't meant for hope and for dreams, space was a void that held nothing but endless worry and nightmares. Perhaps, it wasn't space that held nightmares but the minds of the people that were orbiting this new planet, the planet with two suns, the planet that was supposed to be their home. How though? How could they be sure that this place was meant for them? How could they be sure they weren't about to restart the same tiring routine; war, sacrifice, live, war, sacrifice, live, war…
Clarke had to blink quickly at the mass of human that collided with her. Her daughter, by choice, Madi had wrapped her up in a tight hug and had a smile on her face that could light up the sky. Clarke smiled softly and brushed her hand through the dark hair that now rested just below her chin. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
She realizes that she was still standing on the ground, again, surrounded by her people. No, not her people, just the people that survived alongside of her, she thought bitterly. She was as alone in that moment as she had been in solitary confinement all those years ago. She was as alone in that moment as she had been in the months that followed Mount Weather, in the months that followed the rocket leaving without her. Clarke sometimes thinks that she wasn't meant to be part of something as wholesome as a family that she was always meant to be that lonesome girl in the cell by herself with the only window looking out into the hallway.
"You still aren't listening Griffin." It's Echo that snaps at her this time and Clarke has to bite the inside of her cheek, it's not worth the effort to argue with the new co-leader of their camp. "We are planning out where everyone's hut is going to go and you've yet to tell us where you'd like to be placed."
Clarke raises an eyebrow, "I don't need a hut I can make do with a tent."
"Don't be stupid Princess, this is our forever home, and we have the right to make ourselves comfortable." Bellamy says it so easily, but she wonders if he's trying to convince himself as hard he's trying to convince her. "There's nothing wrong with wanting some shelter."
"Fine, but do mine last." Clarke can tell he's about to argue so she quickly cuts him short; "I think we should evaluate everyone and ensure that we're all healthy, anyone that fell short during the evaluation should get a more permanent shelter first. Then go in order of necessity."
"And how do we determine that?" Raven is the one that snipes out the question and Clarke has to close her eyes for just a second, because for a second she can pretend that Raven doesn't hate her, even though she does, she really, really does. "I say we just build the huts, first come first serve."
"Well that's not going to work, that invites chaos." Diyoza said in contemplation, "We can't give off the appearance that us as the leaders are unsure what to do, remember most of our numbers are known criminals."
"The leaders have already been determined, so we'll determine how to sort out housing." Echo looks around the group in a way that Clarke can only assume is to open up a challenge. Their circle is small; Raven, Echo, Bellamy, Murphy, Diyoza and Clarke. Madi is there as well, but Clarke suspects she's there simply because she has nowhere else to be at the moment.
Clarke decides in that moment to step out of the circle, Madi is with her arms tight around her middle and it grounds her. She can hear someone, probably Raven, demanding to know where she's going, but in that moment she doesn't see the point. There's no purpose in standing in that circle, she'll give her opinion and then be insulted only for them to take her suggestion to heart. It's a never ending circle of frustration that's been occurring ever since the Josephine incident. Clarke would scoff, incident is not how she would classify that, but according to some people (read; Echo) she didn't actually have a right to form an opinion on anything.
"So where are we going to go?" Madi can sense the heaviness that rests on her mother's shoulders; she can see how it hurts her to be so far from her friends. Madi wonders if these are really the people Clarke spent four years talking about, because for as long as she's known them they've yet to hold up to those stories, those expectations. "I think the edge of camp would be cool, by the wooded trail."
Clarke smiles softly and wraps her arm around the shoulders of her fierce daughter. "You do? I figured you'd want to be right in the middle of camp."
Madi shrugs; "I want what's best for you Clarke and we both know you'd hate being in the middle of everyone and everything."
"That's supposed to be my line kid," Clarke says with a laugh, she pauses in their walk and turns to face Madi, "…so long as I have you I'd be happy anywhere."
Madi beams; this is the Clarke she knows and loves, this woman right in front of her with eyes as blue as the skies on Earth and a soft smile that was reserved only for her. This is the Clarke that she remembers taking care of her on Earth when it was just the two of them. This is the Clarke that Madi feels the most herself with, even on the days when she's not herself and she's the voice of every other commander of the past, "In that case, maybe somewhere in the middle?"
Clarke hugs Madi to her and hums; "That would be great."
A week later Madi asks if it's ok if she stays with Raven for a few nights and Clarke agrees (she doesn't want to) and after a week of Madi being gone Clarke silently leaves their hut. Madi's stuff is still in there, but Clarke removes herself and her belongings and sets up her tent –which she made herself, just on the outskirts of the camp border with the wooded path to her left. She figures that she was always meant to live in solitude and it makes things so much easier that way.
When you hurt under the surface, like troubled water running cold
Well time can heal, but this won't…
Her survival instinct on Earth is unlike anything she's ever known, because for the last year of her life she'd been planning her death, but on Earth survival is everything. Only, Clarke Griffin is surviving for herself, she's surviving because people need her. She's surviving because her actions could have killed Finn and Bellamy and she can't live with that on her shoulders, she's surviving because there's forty-eight of the original hundred in this facility with her but Finn Collins, Bellamy and Octavia Blake are not among them. She's surviving because she has to make it back out, she can't go back into solitary confinement and she can't let her life be in someone else's hands, not again.
The first time she sliced her wrist in Mount Weather it was an accident, she woke up in the starch white room with a heart monitor and I.V. attached to her. She woke up to the steady beeping of her heart but all she could see was the white walls of that cell and she just reacted. And once she was stitched up and sitting in front of Dante Wallace she didn't regret it, because he refused to let her leave, she even wishes she had dug a little deeper. From there everything she does is to escape Mount Weather, every person she talks to is to gather information, everywhere she goes she's looking for possible exits and vents and oddly placed doorways. Jasper tries to tell her she's overreacting and to just take it easy for once and Clarke wants to tell him so much more than her simple "I can't.", but she can't and so she doesn't.
The second time she slices up her wrist it's intentional. It's intentional and it's deeper than she anticipated and her plan was just to get into the medical bay because she knows there's something hiding there, but she somehow ends up letting the blood pool at her feet and doesn't move until she's dizzy. A guard finds her in the hallway and he's completely sincere when he asks her if she's okay and she's completely honest when she says that she's not. He helps her get to the medical bay and sits her on the edge of a pristine white bed and there are spots in her vision. Someone is asking her how this happened and Clarke is unguarded so she confesses.
"You did this to yourself?" Clarke is lying down on her back and she doesn't know who was cleaning her arm and re-stitching it, but someone is and someone is concerned, or confused.
"I always thought if I killed myself it would be suffocation."
"Have you thought of killing yourself Miss. Griffin?" She can recognize the voice now, of the woman who seems to be their lead physician.
Clarke looks into the white lights hanging above her, all the time, but she doesn't say it out loud, in fact she doesn't respond at all. She just keeps staring at the light above her and she knows that per protocol Dante Wallace will have to be notified that Clarke Griffin is in the medical bay for a self-inflicted injury. She knows that he'd never accept that, he called her a sun, a star that attracted life and part of her felt that he was being sincere. Part of her felt like she could have bonded with Dante over his art collection and maybe if she hadn't killed her friends she could have enjoyed what Mount Weather had to offer. She thinks of all the reasons why she's so undeserving of a happy and easy life and then she finds where the Grounders are kept and she finds Anya and everything changes.
The next time she's returned to Mount Weather she's colder and harder. She's a warrior and she's ready to free her people and she's ready to find Bellamy because she needs him. She never should have sent him, it should have been her, it should have been her, it should have been her. She doesn't think she could live if he's not okay; she thinks that somehow him being alive and on this planet with her was enough for the voices in her head to stop reminding her of her plans. Only when she finds him, he's not okay, not really and she has to live with the guilt that not only did she do that, but she made him pull that lever with her.
She doesn't return to camp with them. She wants to wrap her arms around Bellamy and beg his forgiveness, she wants to cling to him and let his voice soothe her to sleep and then she wants him there with her when her nightmares wake her up. She's so fucking selfish, so she goes her separate way from the survivors and ignores the way that his eyes burn into her back and keeps walking. She's surviving, but she's not really alive and it's not fair to make Bellamy Blake carry her dead weight.
So, before you go…
Was there something I could have said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather…
Life on the new planet feels familiar, if not a little distant to Clarke. Reminds her of her time on Earth when it was just her and Madi, except this time it's mostly just her. She had taken up to spending her days in the start of the new medical bay with Jordan. They talk easily and she sees some of Monty and some of Harper in him and it's nice. She likes her time with Jordan and he's so smart and he's so caring and earnest when he talks of hope. She's drawn to his light. She hopes that he and Madi can become friends and that Madi can draw upon his light when the time comes.
The time will come, she reminds herself, because there's a voice in her head that reminds her of everything she's done wrong and keeps her awake with the fear that there's someone else inside her mind and that Josephine isn't really gone, keeps her on edge. She's desperately trying to process it all, weeks after the fact, but all she can think to her remind herself is that the time will come. For now though, she'll focus on her inventory and treating those that walk through the door. Even though it takes her all night and she skips dinner (Bellamy is kind enough to bring her something to eat, he's cautious around her which hurts, but it's for the better). She goes home to another restless night and at dawn makes her way back over to the tent.
On one particularly chilly morning Clarke makes her way into the medical bay only to find Jordan already there, he's taking stock of their homemade bandages, so she approaches him softly, "I took inventory yesterday… everything okay?" she says.
He doesn't meet her eyes when he turns to face her so she asks if something's wrong, if something happened and his reply is short and distant, "No, nothing like that, but uh, Raven and Echo don't think you should be doing inventory anymore and they want me to double check your numbers."
She blinks a couple of times, she tries to think of an argument, she tries to take a stand or to convince herself to walk out of the medical bay and over to their hut and to knock them both out, but instead all that comes out is a meager; "Oh, well they have their reasons."
"Yeah, but their reasons are stupid!" Jordan expresses his frustration by slamming his hands down on to the metal counter beneath him. "It's like they can't get their heads out of their asses long enough to see that they're just making decisions to make them! It's like they forget that you taught me everything I know, you and your…" Clarke has reached for his shoulder by now and nods softly at him, "…your mom, you guys taught me what I know."
Clarke feels for him, she does, because she's been there but there's nothing she can do. She's done enough and she deserves this form of punishment and she knows she can take it. Instead of trying to explain that to this young man who wants so desperately for things to be alright she simply accepts it and moves on; "Now it's time for you to take charge, it's an honor to have your camp leaders put their faith in you like this."
From there Clarke isn't sure how to proceed. Both Echo and Raven had made it known that they don't value her opinion or experience as a medic and she respects that. She does. She can't respect that they dismiss her need to help while she's still around. She can't respect that they've taken Madi under their wings and have all but dismissed everything Clarke is good for. She can't respect that Echo is overly affectionate with Bellamy in front of his former co-leader, only to dismiss him at other random points of the day. She can't respect that Raven is cruel to Octavia until Clarke is in the room, and then Raven is extending false hopes of friendship and forgiveness. She can't respect the leaders of this camp, because they're self appointed and not one of them had to sacrifice themselves for their people and yet they act like they've lost everything.
There's not much about these comrades that Clarke can respect, but she can respect that they don't trust her. After all, she barely trusts herself anymore.
So, before you go…
Was there something I could have said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me that your mind could make you feel so worthless…
Her self preservation is shit. She gives away rations, blankets and exerts energy she really doesn't have to keep the hundred kids around her alive. She insisted on helping John Murphy, even though he was a pathetic excuse for a human being, he was still a human being and Clarke figured if she couldn't save Charlotte or Wells she could at least save him. So she nurses him and takes care of him and has absolute no regard to her own health. So when she's waking up in the makeshift hammock covered in sweat and blood and lord only knows what else, she's shocked. She's shocked because they lost five people to the biological warfare planted on Murphy, but not one of them is Clarke. Then again, none of them are Raven, Finn, Bellamy or Octavia either. Clarke thinks she can live with that.
She tries to offer herself up instead of Finn, but it wasn't enough. How could eighteen lives be more important than the three-hundred lives she took? How is that justice? She never gets the answer to her questions; instead she gets a blade pressed into her hand and the fervent desperation of Raven; "Take this blade and kill Lexa." Clarke wants to, she does, but doing so would mean death for everyone and Clarke told herself she wasn't going to allow her death to fall into someone else's hands. In the end, she takes that blade and kills Finn and earns the trust and respect of Lexa in return for the disdain and hatred of Raven. Sometimes Clarke thinks she chose Lexa because it was validation for her self-loathing and hatred; someone saw her strength and fed into it. She liked to think that she had a place and a mission and for a short while the voice that likes to list her sins to her at night is silent. Only long enough for Clarke to witness her partners' death and then the voice is back.
She still tries though, god does she try. She tries to save her loved ones lives time and time again, but she's always made out to be the bad guy and it's exhausting. So when the decision to test nightblood comes up and she's volunteering she's hopeful that it would show her friends that she's trying to help them! She hopes that this time her sacrifice will work. It doesn't, she lives –she suffers for it too, but she lives and the resentment is palpable in the room. Clarke wishes it had killed her like it was predicted to. Clarke wishes that she'd just killed herself when she had the chance, before she had come to rely on these people and love them so wholeheartedly. Instead she continues to put her neck on the line, and she's left behind because of it.
For the first few months she is devastated, because she misses her people. She misses Bellamy. She records herself on this radio every single day in hopes that someone will hear her and pick up, but they don't. After that, she's grown used to the solitude (like solitary confinement, but not) and there's peace in the world around her. The year mark passes and she's done the bare minimum to stay alive, she's fallen and not gotten back up too content to just lie in the radioactive dirt for hours. She's sprained joints and definitely broken a bone or two, but she does nothing to fix them or manage the pain. She figures that by the end of year two she's done her best and can finally put herself to rest, that's what the voice says to her as she holds the gun to her temple. Life decides in that moment to introduce her to Madi and suddenly she's found something worth living for again.
Madi soon becomes her everything, her reason for existing and for pushing forward. She finds joy in life again with this brave little girl next to her. There's a new voice in her head and it's telling her things are good and that she was good, a good mom and friend. She's reunited with her people after six years, only everything is different and suddenly Clarke is in an impossible position. Madi's life is worth so much more than her own and she so begs and pleads the one human being she has always, always loved more than life itself to just let her go. Take Madi and leave me! She pleads and tries and twists against the restraints and in the end it's not enough and she's let Madi down. Her response is extreme and desperate and full of hatred, but Clarke does it anyway. She leaves Bellamy to die and it kills her, but he put that flame into Madi and it's just not fair!
When Echo wraps her hands around Clarke's neck, her fist instinct is to fight, but her fight is weak and she's tired and she just wants Echo to kill her. She wants to die, she's pleading for it with her eyes, because Echo killing her is just so god damn fitting. It feels different from when Bellamy had her on the ground as he crushed her throat. It feels more justified, because Echo is his chosen partner now, Echo is his right hand, Echo is his everything and if Clarke was going to be nothing to him than it only makes sense that his everything eliminates her. She thinks that maybe the reason she was never successful in ending her existence is because Echo was meant for it. This is her chance to remove Bellamy's nightmare, allow him to live… and Clarke knows that Madi would be in good hands.
She can breathe again, but the ringing in her ears never quite goes away.
So, before you go…
"We didn't ask on what you would do Griffin." Echo is seated at the round table in the middle of the drop-ship and her arms are crossed over her chest. She's fuming and Clarke didn't mean to increase the tension of the room. She had been invited to this meeting by Madi after she had declined the invite from Emori. She had great cause now that she's facing Echo's fury, "It seems that every time you're here you want to make decisions that are out of your domain Clarke."
Clarke closes her eyes and counts to five, "Then why was I invited?"
The air in the room changes and everyone –except Raven and Echo of course, become unsettled in their seats. Madi looks over at Clarke, the circles under her eyes are deeper and darker than they were just days before. She's skinnier and paler and it worries her, because this is not the Clarke she knows and loves. Clarke is sick and everyone in the room can see and feel it, everyone except Clarke herself. Of course, when Bellamy made the suggestion that they relieve some of the stress from Clarke's life, Madi was in total agreement! The hardest part was getting Clarke to see it that way.
"We think it's time for you to step down as a camp leader Clarke."
That was not how Madi wanted to go about it, she had wanted herself or Bellamy to speak, not Raven who made even the best intentions sound downright mean. "Raven means that we've seen how stressed out you are and we want you to enjoy the peace that we've worked so hard to gain!"
Bellamy follows Madi's short, albeit sincere, explanation; "We think that the best thing for you is to distance yourself from our everyday meetings on mundane decisions. No reason the Commander of Death should have to sit in on a debate on crop rotation."
He means it as a joke, Clark tells herself that several times over, but he said it and Bellamy Blake only says what he thinks is true. He regards her as the Commander of Death. He thinks she's only good for making life or death decisions, on deciding who lives and dies and that hurts. She looks around the room and sees that everyone has already come to an agreement, she was really only told as a formality. They don't want you anymore, the voice sings out in her head, they don't need you anymore; it's time to move on.
"Look, Clarke, we appreciate everything you've done for us," Diyoza starts off softly, like she's talking to a trapped animal, and Raven snorts from across the table and so Diyoza repeats it again with more force, "… however you have to take care of yourself and worrying about what we're doing in here isn't going to help you."
"No, no, I get it really; you guys don't have to explain this decision to me." Clarke smiles softly, but it's not sincere and for a second Bellamy wants to take the words back, but he's looking at Clarke and it hurts. "If you need me, you know where to find me."
Madi feels Clarke run her hands through her hair once before she's turned away and is walking out of the drop-ship. She feels heavier than she did moments ago and she wonders if she had made the right decision. As she looks over at Bellamy she sees the same question running through his eyes, but the rest of the table has already moved on to the next point of discussion. They're talking –arguing, over when to start expeditions of the land around them and Clarke had originally suggested that they start small and then work their way up to full exploration. Everyone fought on it, there wasn't a need to be cautious, there wasn't a need to hold back, but there was and at the end of the meeting it was Echo that made the same exact suggestion and it was Echo who was given praise and adoration from the rest of the table as if she was actually a leader who instinctively knew what was best for her people.
John Murphy left the table feeling sick with anger. While he didn't disagree that Clarke was not right, his suggestion had been to offer more to her than what's been offered. She deserved more than just strategic talk, cold shoulders and belittling comments. She deserved more than a tent on the edge of camp. She deserved more than Bellamy and his roundabout way of making sure she was alright and she deserved more than being tossed to the side like it wasn't the hardest fucking decision to come to at that table.
Was never the right time, whenever you called…
Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all.
She begins to walk the path on her own throughout the day; because it's not like anyone at camp is going to be missing her. She brings writing material with her so she can catalogue her findings. She find plants that have very similar properties to those on Earth and she figures she may as well collect some and practice making different mixtures, but the plant in particular she is hoping to find is something similar to the Valerian plant from earth. Granted, the valerian she had stumbled upon on Earth was twice as potent and left some horrible side effects after use, nothing like the plant they were taught about years and years ago in Earth Studies. Still, she's hopeful she'll find something close.
She finds a plant with similar physical properties on day three of her solo exploration trips. She finds a smaller section of plant to de-root and then tucks it safely into her bag. It's still early in the day and she's not required to be anywhere (read; not wanted anywhere) in camp so she keeps hiking. When she finds the hot spring or pond, whatever this exceptionally spacious body of still water is, she's ecstatic. Her own secret haven, her own space and the tranquility and peace that surrounds her as she wades in just a little bit to test it makes it easier to breathe. Nothing attacks her and the water is definitely warmer than average, so she assumes it must be some kind of natural hot spring. The water is crystal clear and she can see her reflection staring back. She ignores the mess of a girl in the glassy sheen of the water and makes her back to her pack and belongings.
On the tenth day of her adventures she falls down a steep slope. Two days later her hands are still scabbed over and her knee is bruised and swollen, but she tells no one about the accident. She also keeps the fact that she laid on the cold ground until after sunset simply because the effort it would have taken her to move was overwhelmingly soul crushing to herself. Everything was exhausting. It physically hurt to get out of bed most mornings and her limbs felt awkward and heavier than normal. She had essentially stopped eating; only picking at small portions of vegetables whenever someone made a comment. She hadn't truly washed her hair or her body in days either; rather she just compulsively washes at her clothes, until her fingers are raw. Light and sound are her mortal enemies at this point, everything causes headaches and the dizziness is unbearable. If she ate, she immediately was ill afterward. If she slept, she would sleep for long hours and wake up disoriented and cloudy. Night terrors wake her up most nights and she'd lie in her sweat with tremors that caused her body to tense up.
Our every moment, I start to replay…
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face.
Clarke doesn't realize it, but John Murphy had taken it upon himself to make sure that she received her meals each day –even though she rarely joined them in the mess hall. Still, he leaves plates at her tent each day, three times a day, and on the days when the food goes cold and uneaten he feels a surge of unease. On the days when the plates are partially cleared he feels his chest loosen. On the days when the food is all gone he feels a smile spread on his face. Nobody else in the camp seems to really notice that Clarke has pretty much shut down and by nobody he means Bellamy. Bellamy Blake had at one point assigned Murphy to watching after Clarke; "Make sure she stays alive."
Those words had been whispered into his ear with such emotion that the young and stupid Murphy intentionally wants to drop them. Now though? Years and years later, he'd realize that order was the only one that ever truly matters. His normally sour disposition around camp hasn't changed, but he's taken to being a downright asshole when it comes to the eldest Blake sibling. He brushes Clarke aside like she's nothing now and god damnit if she doesn't just accept it! He won't talk to Octavia either, not really, but they're making some progress so Murphy figures he can let that one slide for now. So when Murphy is walking through camp with the extra plate and he shoulders past Bellamy a little too roughly and their leader calls him out on it Murphy can't think of any other response; "Yeah, fuck you Blake."
Things begin to spiral from there, because now people are aware of the hostility between the two men. People are questioning it and Murphy thinks that this could be his chance to finally do his job, to make sure that Clarke stays alive, but it's trumped by the glorious Blake sibling fight in the middle of the field that same day. Echo went at Octavia over her inappropriate response to Murphy's childlike antics earlier that day, Octavia responded in typical Octavia fashion and told Echo to adhere to Murphy's previous comment and then Bellamy got involved. "Octavia, that was out of line!"
"That was out of line?" Octavia gasped out, "You don't get to tell me what's out of line anymore Bellamy, not since you decided I'm not worth your time."
Bellamy, bless him, shares a brief look of pain and distress before he masks it back up, but her statement was thrown out there and now the crowd of general camp members have paused in their daily routine. "You're always going to be worth my time O…"
"Spare me your bullshit Bellamy…" Octavia spits out, "…I've been reminded of my place in your family tree since the day we woke up. You haven't spoken to me in weeks; you won't even make eye contact with me! You decided that your actual family, your actual blood isn't worth your time because you have this new precious family that you have to protect. Do you know that the last time either of us had an actual conversation was before Praimfaya? No, of course not, because you're so busy playing happy wife happy life with that hypocritical bitch that you don't even see your sister has been ostracized from camp!"
"That's not true! O all I've wanted to do since we've settled here is fix things between us, but…"
Octavia just cuts him off with a short laugh; "There is no but Bellamy, the fact is that you didn't. You didn't fix things, you chose to leave things as they are and you chose to put Echo and Raven and everyone else above me. By the way Bell, have you seen Clarke?"
Bellamy runs a hand through his hair and groans out in frustration; "What the fuck does Clarke have to do with any of this?"
"She was your family too. You told her that, you told me that… she sacrificed everything for you! She's made the same mistakes that your precious people have made and yet here we are. You're pathetic and the only hard decisions you know how to make are the wrong ones. I love you Bellamy, I love you because you are my brother and you're always going to be my big brother. I love you because you were my hero when we were kids; you were my protector when we landed on Earth. I know I've made mistakes and it sucks that I have to live with those mistakes and the biggest one is that I hurt people I care about, but do you know the difference between you and I?" She pauses just to see if he'll respond, but all can do is stare at her with those wide and hurt eyes and so she continues.
"The difference is that I've had to live with those mistakes on my own, you have your little circle that can pat you on the back and reassure you that you've made the right choice and then there's me with nobody except Clarke. Even that's like talking to a fucking wall, at least I've been pardoned for my mistakes, but god forbid we offer the same thing to the woman who has single-handedly saved our asses multiple times. So you don't get to tell me you've tried, you don't get to reprimand me because I told Echo to fuck off. You don't get to play diplomat and leader knowing that there are people in this camp that are suffering. You don't get to stand here and act as if you're innocent here! You could have sought me out. You could have smiled in my general fucking direction every once in a while. You could have told Raven to rip her head out of her own ass when she started giving cabin assignments out like she all of a sudden deserved the right to tell people where to live, which by the way, as if it wasn't obvious enough that Clarke and I aren't welcome here having us secluded on the very distant edge of camp is pathetic. You could have done any of that, but you didn't Bell and that's not on me, that's on you. So please, spare me your excuses and your self-righteous attitude and the next time someone offends your girlfriend, let her handle it, after all, I'm sure you know that she's more than fucking capable."
Bellamy tried to get his sister to stop from turning around, but the only thing that actually came out of his mouth was a pathetic whimper. Surrounding him are Rave and Echo, Indra and Dizoya of course and Emori is there. Emori is the first person to reach out to Bellamy, but he shrugs her away with a stiff grunt and it's in that moment that Raven notices Murphy with another plate of food trying to sneak away; "Where the fuck are you taking that Murphy? You know we don't give out additional rations."
Murphy ignores her, because Murphy has to count to ten and cool himself off, because Murphy is riled from this whole situation and he knows that if he blurts out what he fears and sees in Clarke and in Octavia (though much less of the latter now) he knows the situation is only going to get worse. Instead, he pauses in his step, closes his eyes and takes two deep breaths –just like Emori taught him, and he turns to face the other members of the council; "Well since we're calling everyone out on their bullshit today, Clarke hasn't been coming to the mess hall for at least a week now, so I've taken it upon myself to make sure she gets her share of rations."
Raven scoffs and shakes her head; "Clarke is a capable adult, if she doesn't want to come to the mess hall that's her choice Murphy, if I catch you doing it again I'll…"
Murphy cuts her off with a snort through his nose and opens his arms, it's a challenge and he knows he can win, but he can't help but take the bait of her condescending tone; "You'll what? What can you do Raven? Because, from where I stand, you can't do much of anything except remind people that they're beneath you. By the way, I'll be taking plates to Clarke as long as it takes for me to get her to out of her fucking tent."
"She has a cabin Murphy."
"No, Madi has a cabin," Raven blinks at Murphy and he smirks, "… you may want to watch for holes up there on your high horse, wouldn't want you to fall and break your neck."
As Murphy walks away Bellamy scans the camp, there's no bright blonde in the crowd and it doesn't feel right that she's not there in that moment. The hand on his arm (Echo's hand on his arm) feels welcoming and warm, but it's not hers and that makes Bellamy hyper aware of his surroundings. He's pulled from his head when he hears Raven cruse out Murphy and she looks like she's about to follow him and nobody is planning on stopping her, except him, because Octavia was right. He should have told Raven to pull her head out of her own ass a while ago. "Raven stop! Let him go, it's not hurting anyone that he's dropping food off for Clarke."
"Really Bellamy? We established rules for a reason, what if he's lying?"
"Watch it Reyes, that's my man you're accusing."
Raven ignores Emori and crosses her arms over her chest, the tell-tale sign that she's ready to fight; "What if he's lying Bellamy? Who's to say that Clarke hasn't been in the mess hall? Maybe she goes in after the rushes and the crowds?"
Bellamy bites out in reply, "Yeah? And what if he's not?"
Nobody fills in the blanks to that response, Raven suddenly looks defeated, although she's still fired up and Echo looks over at him and he sees all the questions swirling in her eyes but he chooses to ignore them. Nobody says anything for a long while but the buzz of the camp resuming their day and their work filters between each of them. Nobody notices that Octavia has joined Murphy, but Bellamy notices the smile on her face and the way she laughs and he can't remember the last time he heard his sister laugh. Nobody questions him when he pulls away from the group and disappears for the afternoon.
When you hurt under the surface, like troubled water running cold…
Well, some can heal, but this won't…
Clarke finds that seclusion within the camp is dangerous. Realistically she's aware that if she just told someone about the issue it would have to be addressed. Someone would have to care, even just a little bit, about the rough hands that grab at her and the leering smile that follows her body whenever she's in the med bay –as rare as that would appear. The voice in her mind convinces her otherwise and tells her that whatever is happening isn't worth disrupting the peace that has followed Octavia's blowout. Whatever happens to her is not important, it never was and it's only going to delay her inevitable fate. Still her hands shake whenever she sees him and she feels the bubble of panic build in the pit of her stomach when their eyes meet. She's not sure if the raw fear is because he's explicitly told her what he intends to do to her or if it's because she convinced herself that letting him do the work would make it easier on everyone.
Unfortunately, Clarke isn't much of a pushover and a few rough grabs and shoves are enough to ignite some kind of fire within her. She tells him to knock it off and he laughs, he laughs because she's so little in body and spirit. He laughs because she is nothing to nobody, but she could be something to him. She's disgusted that this man wanders the same camp as her daughter, as Octavia and Emori, as Raven and Echo. He likes to follow her out of camp sometimes and sometimes she does it intentionally –like when he's staring at the girls training in the open field and she'll notice so she'll intentionally walk by him and on to her trail. She never leads him to her hot spring, because she's the only one that gets to taint that space. Still, on the days when she knows he's just behind the tree to her left she wishes that he'd just get it over with.
There was one night she woke up to his left hand over her mouth and his other forcing its way into her pants and he's telling her how she's asked for it for too long and she feels the tears build up in her eyes before suddenly she's biting into his hand. He yelps and pulls back but not before he smacks her across the face and then he's gone and cursing on his way out and she's crying and her chest is heaving but she can't breathe. She can't breathe and she feels his hands on her still and why is this happening to her? Are her sins really that great? Can't she be forgiven without this humiliation?
You deserve this; she hears it ring in her head over and over again. Her body moves on its own and she's trembling as she rushes through the dark camp until she realizes she's in front of Bellamy's cabin, she's knocking before she can control herself, but she's quickly brought back to the present when Echo appears in the doorway wearing one of Bellamy's bland tee shirts but it makes her look radiant. "I'm so sorry…"
Echo is not sure how to proceed, she's never seen Clarke in such a disheveled state and instinctively she wants to know what happened and how she can fix it, but then she realizes that Clarke is staring and Echo feels heat rise to her cheeks; "Clarke, what can I do for you?"
"Uh… I'm sorry, I was looking for Bellamy."
"He's asleep, what do you need?" Echo is embarrassed to be standing her doorway scantily clad and her tone is clipped, but really she's just uncomfortable. Her gut tells her she should usher Clarke in and wake Bellamy up, but her pride leaves her blocking the doorway so that Clarke's sky blue eyes can't see into their space. Then Echo notices that Clarke isn't looking anywhere but at the ground, "Clarke? Are you okay?"
Clarke jerks her head up and tries to smile, it looks painful and forced, but Echo says nothing; "Yeah, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. Forget about it, I'm sorry again Echo."
"Clarke, if something's wrong I can go wake Bellamy up." Clarke almost believes the sincerity of her voice and the concern in her eyes, but then she remembers how easy it was for Echo to kill her and she knows that Echo is not her friend. So instead she reassures the fierce warrior in front of her in her best friends' tee shirt –no he's not her best friend anymore, he's not her anything anymore and maybe that's why it pinches her heart to see Echo so relaxed in his space.
The next morning Echo is standing in the med-bay with the intent of talking to Clarke, because something just isn't right about the previous night and it's eating at her, but she can't go to Bellamy until she's positive he needs to intervene. Her and a nameless man from around camp (he has a name, but she doesn't care enough to know it) arrive at the same time and she notices his hand is wrapped and upon inquisition he tells her that he was a klutz and cut it late last night. She nods and ushers him over to Clarke's station. Echo doesn't like him, doesn't trust him, she's caught him staring the women around camp and it makes her blood boil, but he's useful around camp –at least from what she's observed of him. She wants to question him further, because her instincts are telling her something isn't right, but Clarke is walking into the room and then she's dropping whatever it was she was holding and is walking back out.
"Clarke!"
"I'm sorry," Clarke has her hands pressed to her face and Echo notices a bruise that she hadn't noticed the night before, "I can't treat him Echo."
Echo is stunned, "What do you mean you can't treat him?"
Clarke drops her hands, but her head is still tilted back towards the ceiling; "I can't treat him Echo, Jordan is going to have to do it."
Somewhere in Echo's mind she knows that this should be a red flag, but all she can see is a woman in front of her denying doing her job and it sends a spark of anger through her core. "It's your job Clarke, why can't you do your job?"
"I just can't! I can't and I'm sorry!"
"That's not good enough Clarke! I mean Jesus; we have limited your work as much as fucking possible and you can't even look at a man's bloody hand? What good are you?" Echo regrets the words as they leave her mouth, because the fire is out of Clarke's eyes and her stance is very different from the woman she's grown to know.
"I'm no good, you're right." Clarke is making her way towards the exit and is ignoring the way that Echo is calling out, she's ignoring everything as she makes her back to her tent, she's exhausted and she aches and she just wants to sleep. She uses a padlock from the inside to make sure her tent flap can't be opened from the outside.
Echo stands in the entrance of the med bay with her mouth agape as she watches Clarke practically run through camp to her little tent in the distance. Clarke runs right past Raven, collides with her more like, but it's like Clarke can't even tell and even Raven is left staring in wonder before she turns to Echo and raises the question that everyone has avoided until now. "What's up with Clarke?"
Echo shakes her head; "I don't know she just freaked."
"Weird, she doesn't normally lose her cool like that." Raven looks back over at Echo and notices her friends calculating look. "You ok?"
"I think I'm going to send Bellamy to talk to her, something's not right."
Raven shrugged; "Whatever you want to do."
Except, neither of them factored in the storm that ripped through their camp later that day and nobody expected that the damage would take almost three whole days to repair. By the time everything was done Echo had forgotten about Clarke (lie, she knew, but Bellamy was soft and loving on top of her and she couldn't fathom sending him to play the other woman's knight in shining armor) and life resumed undisturbed. Nobody knew what Clarke was up to. She hadn't been in the med bay since, not even after the storm when she was actually needed and that only irritated their male leader. If only Echo knew him well enough to know that is irritation was the forefront of his concern.
Clarke can't hold on for much longer.
So, before you go…
Was there something I could have said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather…
People are settling alright, the existing settlement that had caused all of their initial stress and worry had helped them considerably now that they're in peace. Adjustments had been made around camp to solidify their growth and permanent residency. It appeared as if the peace that everyone had fought so hard for was finally, finally, attained and it made it easier for Clarke to breathe. Knowing that her people, well those who used to be her people anyway, will make it after she's gone makes it easier for her to pass along her possessions. She considers it a last move at peace between them, she considers it her final parting gifts, and she considers it her last attempt at friendship.
Clarke starts with spare necessities. Extra blankets go to the younger and older of their population and she'll do that anonymously on their doorstep. Spare clothing she'll leave for Emori, because out of all the girls that lived on Earth before the Ring she was always the one that was willing to give the shirt off of her back. Weapons she's opted to leave for Madi, the hand gun that has the names of all her loved ones will have to be updated before she passes it down, but Clarke figures it shouldn't take too much time. Madi is tricky though and Clarke knows she's going to have to be deceptive in placing the gun somewhere in her cabin after one of their visits. She goes through some other miniscule items; her pillows, bedding, storage containers, shoes… all of it gets sorted into piles and she vows that the next day she's going to start distributing the belongings properly.
And she does. And it takes her all of a day to get rid of almost all of her worthless possessions and the only items that remain are the gun, Madi and her sketchbooks. Clarke realizes she probably shouldn't consider Madi a belonging, but she can't help it and she has to ensure that Madi will be well cared for and kept safe when she's gone. There's a twinge of pain that comes with writing the letter in the middle of the first of the sketchbooks, she knows who she wants to have them. She knows it'll eat at him, but he has the others and she trusts nobody else to hold on to her drawings.
She knocks two birds out with one stone the following morning. She hasn't been to the mess hall in two weeks, maybe more, and while she's appreciative to whoever was placing the spare meals outside of her tent she knew she had to start to make her rounds. The surprised faces of her former friends' leaves her smiling a little bit, they were unmasked in that moment and Clarke envisioned those expressions to flash through her mind when the time would come. She doesn't feel comfortable enough to sit at their table and they don't offer, but Murphy moved so that he's directly across from her and Emori is next to her and then Madi is there and she thinks that it's enough.
The meal is pleasant, she doesn't eat much, but Murphy doesn't miss it and insists she finishes the protein portion of her meal. "I didn't know you cared so much." She quips and it's playful, but there's a part of her that is hoping and praying he catches the desperation to hear that someone cares in the catch of her voice.
"Someone has to," he starts and she thinks maybe that could be enough, "this is a far better option than just leaving plates of food at your tent."
She's stunned for just a moment. "That was you?"
He shrugs innocently; "Don't make a big deal out of it, cockroaches look out for other cockroaches."
Then she's pulled to Emori who had just thanked her for the extra clothing and inquiring how Clarke knew she needed some new shirts and pants. Clarke chuckles and makes a remark on spring cleaning, even though they all know they're entering the winter season. In the same conversation Clarke ensures that Madi will be around later that afternoon and their visit is planned. She excuses herself from the table when she notices Raven is walking out; "Sorry guys, I have to talk to Raven about something."
She doesn't stay long enough for anyone to question her, instead she's speed walking and tapping at Raven's shoulder and once her ally turns around Clarke is almost stunned to silence. She remembers the laughter they shared, before things had gotten so dark and she remembers how they could be on the same page without even trying. She's snapped out of it when Raven asks Clarke again what she needs, but it's not in the same cold dismissive demeanor that Clarke was used to. "I just needed to make sure that Madi was well cared for."
Raven looks at her like she has three heads; "Of course she is, you see to that and Bellamy and myself and Murphy… are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm great!" Clarke thinks she sounds a little too enthusiastic and has to take a deep breath. "Sorry, I know it's kind of a weird request, but when I said that I needed to make sure Madi was well cared for I was hoping that you'd be the one to step in."
"Ok…" Raven has a gut feeling that's telling her to press for more, but she smothers it down. "Yeah, I'll make sure Madi is taken care of. Isn't this kind of a weird conversation to be having?"
Clarke shrugged easily, a weight off of her chest, "A mother can never be too prepared for the safety of her child." Raven nods and then is thrown back as Clarke hugs her tight. It's been so long since Clarke and Raven have touched that the brunette is taken aback by the emotions it's stirred within her, but before she can wrap her arms and hold on to her once upon a time friend, Clarke is pulling back. "Thank you; do you know where Bellamy is?"
Raven points her in the direction of his and Echo's cabin, he should be alone since Echo takes over the morning routine now, but Raven can't make any promises. Clarke assures her that its fine she just has to drop something off to him. Raven watches her walk away and she wishes that they'd been able to actually become friends. As it is, there's too much between them and Raven knows that their opportunities have been swept away by war and apocalypses alike. Maybe in another life, Raven thinks, but then she thinks that a lot.
Clarke knocks on the door and this time when Bellamy answers she can find a smile and he's stunned. It's been months since he's seen Clarke let alone with a smile on her face and he's reminded of times long ago on a planet that's been destroyed. He ushers her in eagerly and already has words on his lips, he wants to hug her and hold her and tell her everything, but before he can get anything out in the open she's holding leather bound books out towards him and she can clearly tell he's confused. "I uh, did some exploring and mapped out some findings for you and the Council."
"Uh…" he's taken aback, "… thanks. Clarke you and I really have to talk."
"It's ok Bellamy," it's not, but he needs her reassurance right now and she can give him that, "consider this a peace offering."
He nods, "I still want to talk to you. There's so much that's been left unsaid and we…" he stops himself short and then grips the books a little harder, "why are there two?"
"I just don't have a use for both of them anymore and I figured if anyone could use them it would be you." She wants to say more, she wants to open her heart and soul up to this man, but she knows she can't. Bellamy Blake was never truly hers and she made sure of that time and time again. The least she could do is leave him something good to remember her by, something precious. She wanted him to have her drawings and sketches because she wanted him to understand just how much he meant to her. Plus, the maps will be useful, except she's decided to leave out the watering hole. She gave that map to Octavia, from one misled human to another, besides if anyone is going to find her she wants it to be Octavia. Octavia will know what to do from there.
"What aren't you telling me Clarke?"
She goes in for a hug instead of answering and she feels his arms wrap around her and suddenly the voice that's been ringing in her head non-stop is quiet. They pull apart when the door opens and Echo is looking at them, she's suspicious but Clarke is selfish. She gives Bellamy a quick kiss on the cheek and walks past the warrior turned lover without a backward glance and with little regret or regard to how it may have looked. She'd let Bellamy handle his woman, she had to spend some time with her daughter before she could call it a day.
So, before you go…
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me that your mind could make you feel so worthless…
The day Clarke sat along the bank of her hot spring she had a blossoming feeling of peace spread throughout her chest for the first time in… well since she was seventeen and in her solitary confinement. The voice had soothed her through the previous night, while she tossed and turned. She was excited, she was nervous, but most importantly she was free! She couldn't stop smiling about it, in fact, she felt silly about it. If she wasn't convinced she was crazy her excitement over her suicide certainly was a sure sign. Somewhere deep within her still tingled painfully when she realized that nobody had really noticed anything was wrong or sought her out.
What would you have done? That demanding voice rang out through her mind, but it was a valid question. What would she have done? If Madi had stood before her and demanded to know what was wrong and figured out her planning, what would Clarke do? What if it was Raven or Murphy? What if it was Bellamy? She figured she could have dodged most of the others, explained there was nothing amiss and it wasn't like they'd have known or cared enough about her to press the issue. Bellamy would have been an issue, well Bellamy of the past would have, and the Bellamy of today wouldn't bother to find her. She kept the note tucked into the middle of her sketchbook that she used for mapping. He'd stumble upon it eventually, but just in case she also left a map for Octavia with a simpler message. It was Clarke's hope that the other woman's curiosity would be picked.
Why do you want to be found?
Are you having doubts?
Isn't this what you want?
She wasn't having doubts, she wasn't! This is what she's wanted all along, she wants to confront death and control it, she was the Commander of Death before and now she can use that title to take action. Clarke knows what it's like to lose someone and have nothing to remember them by, no grave for Finn or her father or Wells or the hundreds of others that she's lost. She thinks that maybe Madi deserves a grave to mourn over. She thinks that if she were really a decent mother she'd have more of a drive to live. She thinks she's selfish and disgusting. She thinks none of her redeeming qualities outweighed the negative, but she couldn't even think of one redeeming quality. The only reason she could give herself in that moment to live and press forward was Madi, but even then. Madi didn't need her anymore and her spirited little girl would be fine without her.
So Clarke continued to crush up her plants that she's collected and tested, she mixed them into her water and she drank them in two gulps. She takes a couple deep breaths and strips out of her outer layer of clothing. She feels the tingle of her finger tips and toes and she knows that the sleeping effects of the plants will have a hold on her soon. She wades out into the hot spring so the water touches her hips and she drops her hands down, the world seems slanted almost and the colors are starting to fade and the sounds around her are muted. She stumbles and the splash that resonates in the air as her body hits the warm water echoes through her ears. Her eyes are open but all she sees are the rocks beneath her and she truly doesn't know how to turn herself around to float. She feels like her limbs may be flailing around, she feels the instinct to fight her way to the surface kick in but she fights against it and forces her body lower and the little stream of air bubbles leave her lips.
She closes her eyes. She sees her parents and Wells, she sees Finn and Lexa. She sees the faces of all the ones she lost in her life, Jasper and his goggles, Monty and his smile, Murphy and his determination, Raven and her spirit. She sees Madi and her smile, Madi and the way her eyes light up, Madi and her fierce loyalty and love and she feels a ripping pain in her chest. As she inhales and lets the water rush through her body and feels herself fade she sees Bellamy and his freckles, his deep eyes, his curly hair, his smile, his face as she walks away after Mount Weather, his hands when he's rescuing her all those months later, his tears when she wakes up after Josephine and she hears his voice in her soul. She can feel how he says her name over and over again. She can feel the love and pain in his voice from all those years ago as he poured his soul out for her to see at that bunker and she remembers the exact moment she realized she loved him. She feels his arms around her, his hands running through her hair and she feels at peace. Even in death Bellamy Blake comforts Clarke in a way nothing else could and as her last bit of life slips away she realizes she's happy that Bellamy is the last person she thought of.
She feels nothing immediately following that thought. It's just empty and dark and her limbs are still and the sounds of the forest around her are mute and the water stops rippling and the sun is high, and there's peace in the air.
Would we be better off by now, if I had let my walls come down?
Maybe I'll guess we'll never know,
You know… you know…
They're in the midst of another meeting; they're in the middle of another argument because as it appears, nobody on this damn council can agree on anything. It's draining on most days, but on restless days like that one, Bellamy Blake finds it especially hard to concentrate on what is going on around him. He's spent the last two days looking for Clarke, trying to get a moment alone with her. She's like a ghost around camp and it stirs something within his gut. He feels like he's losing her all over again, not how he lost her when the world was ending or with Josephine. He has the same acidic taste in his mouth as he did over a century ago when they returned to the Ark camp with the remaining number of their people from Mount Weather. It makes him edgy and puts him in a dark mood.
He's snapped at Echo at least twice in the last twenty minutes, but he can't find it in himself to feel bad about it. He knows she's worried and he knows that she can't show her emotions in the same way that he can, where he has a gentle hand she has a fist, when he takes a step back she's surging forward. Their balance is one wrong move away from disaster and they dance around each other more often than not. She's happy though and Bellamy is proud that he can make someone happy, even if it is just at the surface. He loves Echo, he does, but he finds that he's rolling through the motions of life with her and he knows that every time he searches through the crowd before accepting her invitation to dinner breaks something else in her resolve. She keeps making these headstrong suggestions for camp and he knows, he knows, they're the wrong decisions to make, but she just doesn't listen.
Neither does Raven, he thinks bitterly, but Raven is a whole new level of stubborn. She fights everyone for every decision discussed, she gets nasty and starts throwing everyone's weaknesses in their face. It makes Bellamy sick to work with someone like that, but nobody else wants to bring forward the motion of removing her from the council. Instead, they removed Clarke… the same woman who has plagued his memory and thoughts since before their deep sleep. Bellamy and Raven haven't been alright in a long time, her hostility towards the people he cares about the most is a wedge between the two of them. If only she could sit down and shut up long enough to observe her surroundings and see what's been happening around her. If only she had the capability to just let shit go. Bellamy had to hold back a stiff laugh, because Raven Reyes didn't let things go and that was what held their entire council back.
The issue at hand is that the council can't seem to decide which direction they want to go. Literally, they need to start exploring the area around them and nobody can seem to pick where or how to go from there. Raven thinks they should explore north, because the river would prevent them from getting lost. Echo wants to go west, because they already know what lies east –Bellamy shudders whenever he thinks of Sanctum. Murphy thinks they should just split it down the middle and send two groups, which Bellamy didn't think was an awful idea. Then there's Madi who is calm and resolute in her decision, Clarke is going and will lead the expeditions no matter which direction they go. Which only leads to more fighting and then Raven is insulting Clarke and Madi is insulting Raven and Echo is involved and Emori has to quiet them all with a loud shout while the other members of their council sit in frustration and silence.
"Are you even paying attention Bellamy?"
He looks up from the one sketchbook that holds all of Clarke's explorations of the area, "Not really," he shrugs easily as he continues to flip through the pages aimlessly, she's explored in all directions as far as she could safely manage and he hadn't even noticed she was gone. "Clarke has covered majority of the surrounding area."
"Right," Raven grunts out and he can see the fight that's brewing in her eyes, "she shouldn't have taken it upon herself to start wandering around."
"Why not?" Madi immediately jumps at the agitation that's laced in Raven's statement, "Clarke should be able to go wherever she wants, and she isn't a prisoner."
"Look Madi, I never said that she was, but Clarke was compromised literally two months ago. How can we know that she's not having side effects of that? That she isn't being targeted still? It's not safe for her to just wander around in unknown territory without even telling us!" Everyone looks shocked at Raven's words, including Raven herself, but it does deflate the fight out of Madi. "I'm sorry, maybe we should bench this topic for now…"
"We can't keep benching it!" Echo groaned out, she had been going stir crazy in their safe and secure little village, the unease of not knowing what was around them of not knowing who was around them ate at her. "We could be sitting ducks and we wouldn't even know. What does Clarke's findings include Bell? Maybe we should just pick up where she left off."
Bellamy, for the first time in two days, is finally intrigued enough in the conversation to start searching through her sketches and maps. That's how he finds the letter; in the middle of the sketchbook she took two pages to hand write a letter and the following pages are all blank. The noise surrounding him drowns out as he reads the words quickly; Dear Bellamy…
I put this letter within these pages because I trusted that in time you'd want to read them, perhaps not at first, but in time. I trust no one else with these words, so I ask that you do the same, although I know it may be too much to ask. By the time you read this you've hopefully had time to mend and heal after what I've done, but this letter isn't an apology. Instead this letter is an explanation, because at the least I know you deserve that. The truth is that living has been the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. Years ago, back when the Ark still orbited the Earth I had made a decision to take control of my destiny. They've called me the Commander of Death, but the only death I've ever wanted to control was my own and it appeared that no matter how hard I tried or didn't try, I was to live on and suffer. Suffering is all I've ever truly been good at and as it goes, it's the only thing I've ever been able to bring people. Unfortunately that still stands… my hope is that my death is easier to accept on this new planet. Please try to understand, your family doesn't need me and the hostilities and tensions that I've inadvertently brought on to the camp can finally go away now! You deserve a life of peace and happiness. Bellamy Blake, you deserve a world that I've yet to taint. I want you know that you made my life the happiest it could have been and that the only regret I have is that you had to suffer the weight of my decisions. Make sure Madi pushes on and remember that the head and heart are one in the same. I want to say I love you, but those aren't my words to say…
He doesn't realize he's standing and staring at the pages before him until Echo is reaching for it, but he snaps it shut and back and looks around frantically; "Where is Clarke? Has anyone seen her?"
It's Murphy that catches on the quickest and he's out of his seating mumbling curses as he storms out of the metal hall. Emori must catch on because she too rises and looks at Bellamy with a questioning eye; "I'll go help Murphy, yeah?"
Echo is still at his side and she's gripping his arm and turning him; "Bellamy what is wrong?"
He just gulps, he can't quite catch his breath in that moment and everything is shaky around him, but he keeps seeing the words over and over in his head. Then Bellamy sees Madi and she's looking up at him with wide eyed panic and he remembers the last time they had thought they lost Clarke. He can't bring himself to put the young girl through that again so instead of answering the woman he's supposed to trust and love and cherish he brushes past her and ignores the calls of his name. "Watch Madi, I have to go."
He practically runs into Octavia in his haste to get to Clarke's tent to find a clue. He doesn't realize he's shaking until Octavia is ushering him to sit down in her newly built cabin. "I can't sit O; I have to go find Clarke."
"Bellamy you need to listen to me!" Octavia keeps trying to shove a piece of paper in his face, but he keeps swatting it away, she's determined though and when the breath is knocked out of him and he's on his back on the ground he finally listens to his sister. "She gave me this map this morning. She told me I'd know what to do with it when the time was right and I didn't get it, but it was the first time she had looked… I don't know, the first time she's looked like Clarke in ages."
He finally looks at the paper, a map that is almost identical to one of the drawings in the book she left him, but this time there's something marked that isn't on the original. There are words and doodles all throughout the paper as well, nothing consistent with the words she's scribbled along the margins. Until you return to the ground- because out of it you were taken and for dust you are, and to dust you shall return… Bellamy sees that just below this statement is the same symbol on his paper for the forest. She's marked another area of her map with the traditional grounders symbol for peace and underneath the symbol has written; just as man is appointed to die once, and after that to face judgment… Yu gonplei ste odon -and Bellamy pieces it together.
"You said she gave this to you this morning?"
Octavia nods; "Does this mean what I think it means?" Bellamy remains silent as he looks between the page with an almost identical map and the map she left Octavia. "Bell, Clarke can't…"
"I know O, I'm trying to figure it all out…" he was never the strongest at map reading and of course Clarke knew that, which is why it infuriates him that she left Octavia this map, "…you can read maps. Octavia I need you to read these two maps and I need you tell me what's different."
"Alright, yeah, I can do that." She takes the papers and glances between them, her eyes moving quickly and suddenly Octavia is before him and she's strong and fierce and he can't believe that he ever thought his sister was a stranger to him. She's pacing and working through the steps and he watches and the weight of the situation seems lifted almost, because they have each other again and in some deranged way he knows he has to thank Clarke. "Ok, ok, I think I got it."
"You think?"
"Well there's only one way to find out." She starts to grab random bits of supplies and is walking out, but he's already out the door and ready to go. "If we're wrong and we waste the time…"
"I know." He's thought of nothing else since Murphy left the hall, but he can't let that be their primary drive or focus. The pair makes their way out of camp as briskly as possible and Octavia is leading the way and they pass a clearing that is marked on both pages and he feels some of the fear uncoil, because they're on the right track. Then they see her, it's a hot spring and it's not marked on his map but the symbol for peace marks it on Octavia's and he sees that she's still standing and he almost leaps for joy.
"Oh my god, we did it…" but Octavia's breath of relief stops short and turns into a shout as they watch Clarke sway unsteadily and fall into the water. Both of them race towards the body of water, but they're still too far away and Octavia feels like they're just not covering enough ground at the right speed. "Bell wait, you don't know how to swim!"
Still he presses on and his sister is left to watch as he wades out into the water and grabs their friend. He's shouting, just the same as he shouted while he pumped her chest and pleaded with her to wake up all those weeks ago, but this time it's not just desperation it's volume. As if the louder he yells the more likely he is to waking her up. Octavia is so sick of hearing the scratchy and desperate repetition of her friends name in peril. "God damn it."
Bellamy is hunched over the drenched and unconscious body of Clarke and he's pumping her chest again and Octavia comes over and nudges him out of the way before she takes over. "For fucks sake Clarke," she grunts out as she starts breathing into her friends' mouth, she's warm to the touch and there was definitely a faint pulse, so Octavia figures there's no need to break any ribs. "C'mon you pain in the ass!" and she blows another puff of breath and is rewarded with the gurgle and cough.
"Thank God…" her brother grunts as they rush to turn her on her side. She's still unconscious but Octavia thinks that has more to do with whatever was left over in her water canteen, but she's breathing (it's strained and raspy, but it's the best sound Octavia has heard in a long time). Water and bile rest in a pile next to the trio as it absorbs into the dirt Bellamy lets out a long unsteady breath. His hand hasn't left her hair, but his eyes are scanning over her body. Without the protection of clothes Octavia can see all of the scars that Clarke has hidden, some possibly self-inflicted and others she gained along the way and it makes her heart break a little more.
"We have to get her back to camp; Jordan has to look her over." Octavia keeps her voice as soft as possible as she watches Bellamy cover Clarke with his grey dull sweater. He's already got her in his arms and is already walking in the direction of camp so Octavia grabs the pile of belongings and the canteen and follows. She remains silent for most of the walk and then she remembers there's a little girl waiting back at camp; "I'll go ahead and warn the others and we'll make sure that Madi doesn't see this."
Bellamy looks and feels exhausted and almost jumps at his sisters' soft words, instead of verbalizing his thanks he nods once and then she's off sprinting through the trees with an agility that could one come from years of training. He's left to walk through the woods with Clarke in his arms; her breath is against his neck and is steady if not a little weak. He wants to wake her up and demand an explanation, something better than her letter, something tangible that he can make sense out of it and something he can fix. "What have you done Princess?" he whispers to her hair as he thinks of all the times he saw the signs and how obvious they had been.
His self loathing and disgust continues until they enter camp, some members of their camp gasp openly at them while others look away quickly. Bellamy doesn't really think about any of them, just of getting her to their medical tent and treated and cared for. He thinks about how to proceed once she's awake and he feels a twinge of anger as Jordan removes her body from his aching arms and the rest of the council –save for Echo and Diyoza who have blessedly agreed to keep Madi distracted, are swarming him with questions. The only silent ones are Octavia, Murphy and himself, but Murphy is right on the edge as he clenches his fists so tight they're white knuckled. Octavia is being told thanks and brushed aside and just as he's about to tell everyone to just shut the fuck up his sister is taking the stand.
"The nerve of you people," she spits out to the group, "my brother and I just saved her life! All you guys have done have ruined it. I'm sorry; the exception in this is Murphy and I. So if anyone has the right to ask the questions it's us and none of you should even be standing here."
"Octavia we're just worried."
"Worried my ass Reyes."
Raven glares a little, but then her shoulders slump; "We are! Clarke is our friend and…"
"In what world were you two friends?" Murphy bites out quickly and he gets a sick satisfaction at watching the Latina in front of him flinch. "I remember a lot of things from our other world, but I never remember you two being friends. I remember Clarke trying and you just not seeing it as enough. You know, I even remember hearing about you throwing Clarke's life on the line to save Spacewalker… then before his body was even cold you were shacking up with… what was his name again?"
"Shut up Murphy, you don't know a fucking thing."
Murphy laughs bitterly; "I know that you shouldn't be here."
"That's enough John, please, for the time being we're all on the same team and our primary concern should be on Clarke."
He looks at Emori who is pleading with him with her eyes and shit does he love her eyes, but he can't just let it go. "I can't have her waking up to see her bullies hovering around her."
"Murphy, come on, you can't be serious! We would never bully Clarke and obviously we're here because we love her!"
"Raven, please, I don't think you're helping the situation at all." It's Octavia from beside Bellamy. "I think we should all maybe step out and let Jordan work and he'll come get us once she wakes up."
"I'm staying, but I think Octavia is right." His voice sounds foreign to him, but Bellamy refuses to budge even through the protests and the raised voices and the disgruntled tone that Murphy is sending him. "Get. Out. I'll send word once we know what is going on, if she wants me to."
"How do we know she'll want to see you?"
"Just for once, for once, Murphy can't you just do as your asked?" Bellamy is pleading at this point, but Murphy doesn't have a smart comment to make back and suddenly the weight of the room is pressing in on Bellamy. "I keep making the same mistake over and over again, but that stops now. I need you to just back off, I know you've been a much better friend and you deserve to be here."
"But?"
"But, I'm asking as your friend as well… please, just…"
Murphy sees it then, the bit of Bellamy Blake that he remembers from before their six year trip to space, from before all the other shit happened. He sees the man that gave him that order ages ago and he hates that it had to come to this to get that man back, he had hoped that after Josephine he would just return, but it had taken an extra push. Murphy concedes with little argument after that, but he has his own stipulations, "You find me the second she's up for visitors."
"Of course," the two men shake hands on it and for the other spectators in the room it's the first time in a long time that they've seen an action speak as deeply as that did, "thank you."
Raven drags behind the group as they slowly disembark and she looks like she wants to say something, but instead her eyes settle on the cot in the far corner that Jordan has Clarke on and then she's turning around and walking away. Once Jordan is positive that everyone except Bellamy is gone he calls the man over and shares his thoughts. It's a relief to hear that although Clarke ingest a large amount, the plant combination she mixed would not be detrimentally dangerous and wouldn't cause any long lasting effects. She should wake up once the sleeping effect has worn off. The downside is they still have to follow protocol, enforce a seventy-two hour watch once she wakes up and figure out how to proceed. For now though, the knowledge that Clarke will be alright lifts a weight off of Bellamy's chest.
He asks Jordan to give him some time before he relays the news back to the group. The younger version of Monty –God does this kid resemble his dad, so much it hurts sometimes, just nods quickly and then excuses himself to take inventory and get some supplies ready. Bellamy is almost afraid to grip her hand that it'll be too tight of a grip that she'll slip away anyway. Two hours later his sister and Murphy are back in and surrounding him, then he feels his sister wrap her arms around him and run her hands through his hair and when Murphy looks away to stare at a blank mark on the wall across from them he thinks its safe enough to let his defenses come down.
Bellamy Blake cries silently into his sisters' arm for an unknown amount of time. Octavia lets him and Murphy rests his head on the mattress near Clarke's free hand. Clarke Griffin sleeps through it all, completely unaware that the light she'll see upon waking up is not the light she so desperately sought out, but instead the bright light that soaked the medical bay in the early hours of morning. She'll feel the presence of Murphy and the grip that Bellamy has on her hand and Octavia will see her clear eyes widen before they too fill with tears, all with the notion that it's the start of a new day.
Before you go,
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather...
So, before you go,
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me that your mind could make you feel so worthless...
So, before you go...
A/N: End part one. In case anyone was wondering the lyrics throughout the story line are Lewis Capaldi and his piece Before you Go. Please leave your thoughts and concerns for me to check out AND feel free to check me out on tumblr just search for the domain clairetheair where I'll be posting other short stories (all different genres and media types) as well as my own little life stories -and memes.