A/N: I figure that this is a good way to get out feelings. This is loosely based on a poem that I wrote about a friend who moved to New Mexico but written in the second person. I just wanted to have a bit of fun with my return from silence.
1.
The ice cuts into your veins. You try to remember that you came here for her. For Betty. She's wanted to go ice skating for as long as you can remember but never had the chance because of her stick-in-the-mud mom. So you begrudgingly snuck out of the trailer and climbed up to her window with Archie, knowing that you'd be miserable and cold as they flirted.
It was all for Archie, you remind yourself. It was all to help set him and Betty up, even though you knew that twelve-year-old relationships never lasted. You were here for moral support, not to be a miserable third wheel.
You leave without them noticing. Sometimes, on your more lonely nights, you wonder if that's all love will ever be for you.
When you get back to the trailer, your dad is mad. Drunk out of his mind. But you don't care when he yells at you, because you know that she's happy.
That's all that would ever matter.
2.
The metal of the locker is cold, giving you chills. You've been waiting for forever, or five minutes in more realistic terms. It sure feels like forever to an eighth-grader with an attention span problem, but you know that you'll wait here as long as you can because you love her too much to do anything less than what she wants.
She told you she'd meet you here.
She's not here.
You open up a package of Goldfish that you had stowed in the bottom of your bag from the free snack bin back in sixth grade. It's crushed, but you eat it anyway. Your brain makes up stupid metaphors all the while.
She doesn't come. The next day, she tells you that she went to the library with Archie. You don't let your disappointment show, telling her that you forgot anyways.
What you don't tell her is that you were there when football practice let out. You don't tell her that Reggie and his friends came by. You don't tell her why you're wearing long sleeves.
Even though you love Archie, it's so hard not to hate him at the same time.
3.
You rub her shoulders comfortingly as she cries. It's about some fight she had with Archie, some fight that they will make up for in a few days at most.
You know this, but you comfort her and mutter soothing words. You ignore the thoughts that say that she'll never cry over you as she cries over Archie.
She asks you if you'll ever leave her. You respond by saying something sarcastic. You can't exactly remember what you said after it left your mouth, but it has her shaking in silent laughter and you figure that that's better than silent tears that fill your eyes every night.
You don't want her to end up like you.
4.
She plays the music of some old musical through her headphones. Archie asks her for one, smiling when she obliges. You look up from where you're doing your homework and smile at them, a fake, clown's smile.
The smile of a liar.
You place a lid on your feelings as they start singing out loud, the words to a song that you know. You want to join in, but are unsure of how you could. You used to think that you would figure all these things out as you got older. You were fourteen and didn't know a thing.
When they get kicked out of the library for being too loud, you don't follow them. You don't want to go home just yet.
5.
Archie gives your house a call the next day. He's not going on the trip with you. You feel pissed off, but you don't know how to respond to his voicemail. You don't.
The rest of the summer passes by with sleepless nights at Pop's and argument after argument with your family. You almost want to give Betty a call or climb up to her window, but you know that she'll probably side with Archie. She always does.
You distract yourself by sewing Jelly Bean a new pair of arm warmers. The day before you plan to give them to her, she and your mom leave in the dead of night.
Now you have a pair of striped rainbow arm warmers and nothing to do with them. You want to laugh as you clutch them in your hands, but the bottles filling up the kitchen sink distract you from any form of joy. Your dad is out and he'll be back soon.
You end up sleeping at the drive-in booth, clutching a pair of hand stitched arm warmers. The temperature drops and you wish you could go to Archie's place or even sneak into Betty's room, but you can't.
When you wake up in the morning, you almost wish you had died of frostbite. At least that would bring his friends back to you, even if it was by your graveside.
6.
The metal of the locker is cold as Reggie slams your head into it, yelling things at you that you don't truly understand. There's blood dripping down your nose, choking up the air, making you feel sick to your stomach.
You aren't really sure what you did, but you accept that it must have been something wrong in his eyes. You think about making some sort of snarky comment but don't. You know by now not to make situations purposefully worse.
Then somebody pulls him off you and starts yelling at him and you're sitting against the lockers, just feeling. Your senses attack you and you feel a panic attack coming on and you try to force it back down, to pretend that you're okay.
It's Archie.
You haul yourself up and push past him. You don't want to talk to him. He tries to say something to you, but everything is blurry and you can't hear anything but muffled concern.
You realize later that you could have stayed there with him, allowed the concern, maybe ended up sleeping over and the Andrews house instead of in the freezing cold.
That train of thought is lost as you lie down on the floor of the drive-in booth and let your eyelids flutter shut to the sound of the beat-up radio.
7.
You notice him staring at you at Cheryl's pep rally. He makes his way over, stepping around cheerleaders and his fellow teammates.
You don't remember much of your conversation later. Just that you caved because you can't stand to be alone anymore.
The next morning, you say hello to him. You say hello to Betty. They smile at you for a moment before their eyes glance back to each other, so filled of adoration. You can't stand this anymore. This game of pining over Betty and even sometimes Archie on some of your more emotionally raw nights.
But you have to because you know that, even if they don't like you very much, they'd die if you did.
Then you make eye contact with Veronica and Kevin and your heart sinks and you turn away, your heart screaming at how fast you've been replaced.
But it didn't matter. If Betty was ever ready, you'd be there waiting. And not a second sooner.