A/N: Fourth in the Dumbledore Insert series.

I ticked them off my fingers. "No pumpkin juice, no pumpkin anything, no lemons, nothing that smells like lemon, and no peas!"

"Any other demands, Your Highness?" Snape asked me.

"Is it a demand if I don't want something?"

"Yes. If you have nothing to add to the shopping list then I will go, behave for Percy."

"Those biscuits with—"

"No."

"Then how about some ice cr—"

"No."

"Dad, kids need sweets for brainpower."

He stopped to stare at me incredulously for a second. "Source?"

I groaned. This last month Dad had been adamant that I started to study. We had a huge fight over it, I might only be seven in two months but I've done my time in school. Come eleven I would go happily to Hogwarts to learn about magic but there was no need for me to learn any muggle stuff, I could count and multiply and divide, what more did I need! Supposedly Latin and History. Who knew they hadn't gone to the moon in this world? I certainly hadn't. Turned out quite a few things were different in a world that had magic, and one Severus Snape did not intend to bring up an ignorant brat. Studying, for Professor Bat, meant research papers and state your sources.

"Wikipedia."

"Try again."

"It's an Internet Encyclopedia that will be amazing once they invent it, it tells you everything in—"

"So you've said." He finished buttoning his coat. "Be good for Percy."

"I'm always good for Percy."

He stepped through the Floo and I went off to search out Percy who for some reason had disappeared into the office as soon as he came. At least I could always count on him for a treat. You have one bout of toothache and suddenly Poppy and Dad get it into their heads that all sweets should be rationed. It was so unfair!

I found Percy sitting behind Dad's desk, a stack of books towering in front of him. "Oh, why? Why are you reading, Percy, you're done with school, come-on!"

"I have less than three months to school's start and I'm going to need all that time to study up on teaching techniques if I am going to be a proper assistant to Professor Binns."

"I thought we could go do something outside," I sulked.

"It's raining."

"Umbrellas are a thing, you know." And mud was fun.

"There's lightning. We're staying inside." He pointed to a smaller stack on the opposite side of the desk. "Your Dad left you those, he said you are studying European Colonization and its influence on—"

I stopped paying attention to him. Did he bring any sweets? He tended to get prissy if I asked and would then delay the handing over of the treat to a moment he thought was more deserving of it. Quite a lot of times I would find it tucked into my hand when he was leaving, which was going to be hours from now for Dad had planned a mega shopping trip to tide us over the whole summer. Dad thought I didn't know it but he had been planning for weeks now on taking me camping this summer and he had gone out to buy everything from the tent to… if he didn't buy stuff to make S'mores I was going to be very unhappy. But internally, I will be unhappy on the inside only, for I do not plan on ruining our first camping trip.

"…Albus, are you even listening?"

"No. I can take my time with that shi-stuff, Percy, Dad said. I have years. If you're not going to play with me I'll be in my room."

"All right." His nose was already halfway in a book and I sighed—long and hard so he would know how irritating he was—before making for the door. He snorted unimpressed. I wonder if Dad knew he was just paying Percy to study.

It wasn't just raining outside, it was storming. I pressed my face against the cold bedroom window, my glasses clicking against it, and watched the trees bend and sway in the gale. I imagined if you went out into that you could just open your umbrella and have lift-off, you might fly halfway over the Forbidden Forest before you're done. Neither the flying nor the forest were attractive prospects so instead I fogged up the window with my breath and drew a peni—perfectly pretty piece of cake. Should I go see if the kitchen had any? No. Later, maybe, if Percy did not come through.

This was my first unsupervised moment in a week and I knew just what I was going to do. I pulled the science kit out from under my bed. The muggle toy promised hours of gross slimy fun—Dad had rolled his eyes when he saw it—and was an apology gift from cousin Charlotte. Her parents had finally caught on to the fact that she had been extorting me and she was supposed to pay me back all the galleons I had spent on her the last few years. Was it extortion if it had been my idea? Unlike Dad, her parents seemed to think so. The arrangement had been beneficial to both of us—even if it left me poorer—and we've decided to be more careful about it only but will continue.

Dad was somewhat impressed with the educational booklet that came with the kit, but after I tried the alien slime its use was restricted to my room only. I've been having fun with it for a while now but had tried all the experiments ad nauseam and it was time to explore. Mwahaha.

From my sock drawer, I unearthed a gooey grey blob, origins unknown. From my toy chest, I got a vial of white granules that looked very much like salt and a fistful of dried seaweed, and I shook the best of my haul, two magnificently creepy eyeballs, out of my left boot.

I've been practicing my sleight of hand all week, chopping hundreds of don't-pay-off-bullies-punishment slugs, and each time came out with a new addition to my hoard safely tucked in my magical pockets. Sadly, I had to make do with what was easiest to grab and there was no rhyme or reason to my stash. Combine the lot with what I had left in the science kit and see what happens? They looked innocuous enough. That with some Flobberworm slime… I eyed the three fat Flobberworms on my windowsill—Hagrid said I was overfeeding them but they seemed happy enough, they were alive anyway, and fat ones would give a lot of juice. Hmm. I'd probably end up with a slimy ball of fluorescent barf… which was nearly as fun as mud. Yes!

The mistake had been to wave my wand at it.

What could have been just a little puddle of goo on my bedroom floor had turned into a veritable flood of bubbling fluorescent green horror that I hid from on my bed, the only safe spot in the whole room.

A knock on the door and it opened with Percy saying: "Albus, you have been very patient so far, do you want to—"

"Percy, don't come in!"

But I was too late or he was too fast—we would quibble over it later—and a particularly large bubble plopped, spattering in his face and the flood of goo splashed over his feet, surging out.

I watched in horror as Percy licked a splatter off his lip and waited with bated breath for him to burst into boils or explode.

Nothing happened.

He slipped his wand out. "Evanesco!"

"I'm sorry."

"I should make you wash this," he said but pointed his wand to the sickly green floor. "Stay where you are until it's all clean. Scourgify!" he cast and did it three times more inside and out. The rug did not clean up so well, he floated it to my bathroom where he dumped it in the bath, turning the water on before moving to the sink to wash his face. He did another scourgify on his robe. It was too dirty, though, and he slipped it off to dump it in the bath with the rug. "What was in that?" he called.

"Things."

"Don't say things, what was in it, Albus?"

"You're okay though, nothing happened. Does it matter?"

He came out and sighed at me, wiping his glasses with his t-shirt's hem. "Fine, I came to see if you want to play a game or—"

"Yes!" I jumped off the bed and danced around him. "Can we bounce off the walls?"

"Yeah, okay. In the corridor though, your dad will kill me inside."

"He doesn't have to know everything," I said but followed him happy enough out of the rooms to the corridor outside.

There he cast again. Hogwarts has enough protection spells against students who intentionally and unintentionally tried to blow things up on the daily. You can cast Fiendfyre without much effect but the kids have found that a Spongify on the walls and floor was as good as a trampoline, allowing you to bounce on the spongy surface. The portraits usually rushed to complain to Filch but he had been pensioned off a year ago and no one else minded enough to put a stop to it.

"You won't tell, will you?" I asked on my first bounce. "Since nothing happened."

"Of course I will tell him." Percy snorted and did his own bounce, leaping from floor to wall and bouncing against the ceiling before coming down. "He trusts me to tell him everything."

I did a double roll and bounce, ending with my robe over my face, and went splat against the opposite wall before sliding down, head first. Above me, Percy sneezed.

"That's so bad, Percy. How would you feel if I told your Dad everything you did."

"You're welcome to do so, my conscience is clean." He sneezed again. "Will you be telling him how hard I studied?" He bounced to the opposite wall. "Or how nicely I cleaned your room just now without making you do it?"

"You're a horrible babysitter." I bounced past him and did a double-take. "Percy—"

"I'll let Ron babysit you next time if I am so horrible. He is saving up for a new broom." He gave a magnificent bounce from wall to floor and, coupled with a row of sneezes, it sent him to the ceiling, where he stuck.

"Percy…" I sagged down onto the floor.

"I see them," he said, sneezed, and another tentacle grew, this time a tiny one on his chin. It waved merrily about. The mass of tentacles around his waist kept him suctioned to the ceiling. Both his hands had transformed into the same and his face was fast turning a bright, unhappy pink. Helpless to do anything else, I giggled.

"What was in the goo, Albus?"

"Things. Please don't tell!"

He sneezed and gained two more beard-like tentacles. He was also thoroughly stuck. Nothing he did brought him down, when he got one tentacle free another got stuck, and in between he sneezed and grew more. Besides his arms, he had a group around his waist and was fast growing a thick, waving beard.

I lay on the floor watching in awe.

"Go call someone, Albus," he said, giving up.

"There's no one here, Poppy went to her family and Minerva is out, I don't know where."

"Bounce up then and pull me down."

"What if I get stuck to you?" I stood up, willing enough to try. "Should I go pee first and get some food maybe? Dad won't be back for hours."

He said something that sounded very like dear God and sneezed himself two more tentacles.

"Should I try and use the Floo?"

"No!"

"I'm nearly seven, nothing will happen, I'm sure."

"No. Just… just sit there and don't do anything. We'll wait for your dad."

"Hagrid!"

Hagrid it was. Percy was still stuck in the same spot when I brought the groundskeeper. Even though I had run as fast as I could to the Hagrid's hut, I could not motivate him to run back, and I was thoroughly exasperated with the half-giant. Not even a jog.

"I'm sorry we took so long, Percy!" I called up to him the moment I saw him and sent Hagrid a dirty look. "Are you okay? Did you grow more? Do you need to pee?"

"'tis a nice pickle yer got yerself into," Hagrid said, reached up and plucked Percy down. Just like that. I sagged down in relief.

"It was an accident, Hagrid," Percy said. "Will you look after Albus while I go to St. Mungo's?"

"I'm coming with you!"

"We'll all go," Hagrid decided.

We all went. Then we all trooped back. My hope for a quick Finite to hide the evidence was dashed. Percy had been given a lotion to spread on the tentacles, an hourly regime that was utterly disgusting but fascinating, and a potion to stop sneezing. If he wasn't better after a day he was to return.

I became his willing slave for the rest of the day.

"I didn't do it!" I yelled when the Floo flared green and Dad stepped out. "Well, I did but it was an accident, I swear!"

"At least give me time to breathe, Albus. Where's Percy?"

"Here, sir." Percy, lying down, waved his tentacle over the back of the sofa. Arm. Tentacle, whatever. I had to listen to a whole lecture on which tentacles were tentacles and which were arms and legs and still couldn't get it straight. Dad skirted the sofa and his jaw dropped. Literally. I could see it unhinge. It was one for the books, and I would have to add it to my diary as it was not often you could surprise him. Then his eyes narrowed and searched me out, making me forget all these thoughts.

"Was this a prank?"

"What? No! It was an accident, I swear! Percy will tell you, he was going to anyway!"

Much later that night, being tucked into bed, it occurred to me to ask. "You didn't buy any squid, did you?"