Finding Your Path When The Fighting is Done
It has been one month since the Battle of Exegol.
One month since she died and came back.
At first, Rey had been so relieved it was over—the Emperor was defeated, the Final Order destroyed, and she was alive—that she'd barely had time to think about everything that had happened on Exegol. She'd celebrated, then she'd slept, and then before anyone could really process their victory, they'd gone out with the fleet to start taking out those pockets of the First Order that were holding tight to their power, refusing to surrender. Poe had lead from Black One, while Rey had taken the Falcon with Chewie and Finn. Two minor battles and several small sorties later, they were finally back on Ajan Kloss, hopeful once more, and Rey had practically collapsed from exhaustion.
It was on the Falcon that Finn had finally told her his big secret: he was Force-sensitive. Of course he was, she had sensed it in him months earlier. But she had also sensed the conflict within him, the uncertainty. Given her own doubts and fears, Rey had not said anything; Leia had told her Finn would realize it on his own, that he had his own path to follow. Finn had confessed that he wanted to learn about the Force, but that he still had much work to do with the Resistance. And that there were some things he was not prepared to give up, even if it meant he did not become a Jedi.
Rey suspected she knew what that was, but she'd accepted his decision, and in between firefights, she'd started to share some of the things she'd learned from Luke and Leia with him. And she quickly realized his strength in the Force was very different than hers, in ways she didn't always understand. Finn was far more intuitive than her, his ability to understand and empathize with others much stronger. It was one reason he was such a good leader. It made her feel even more alone at times, because her focus from the beginning had been on building the strength and skills needed to fight, not lead. She told herself she was being ridiculous, that different didn't mean alone, and that if Finn was Force-sensitive, how many others were there, out there in the galaxy waiting to discover their ability? She wasn't alone, not really.
Only sometimes she still feels like the only person in the universe.
Settling back on Ajan Kloss is different now. Leia is gone, for one, and Rey knows everyone still feels that loss, especially Poe. Poe who she rarely sees now, who is making Leia proud by leading them out of the war, Finn by his side, fighting not only the remnants of the First Order, but a galaxy of politicians and diplomats who want nothing more than to thank them and send them on their way. Some days are more difficult than others, but Rey can see Poe's unflagging commitment to building a better world, grounded by Finn's unwavering faith. It is remarkable and inspiring.
The problem is that sometimes Rey isn't as inspired as them. She is not sure of her place much of the time, her role in the Resistance vague and undefined other than as the girl who defeated the Emperor, the last of the Jedi. Sometimes she thinks people may be scared of her, even avoiding her, though she could be imagining the looks and whispers. Her strength isn't in leading, like Finn and especially like Poe, and she's not sure how she can help now that the fighting is over. She's not sure what to do at all, for the Resistance or for her own Jedi training, and she feels lost and alone when everyone else is so busy and determined. So she goes back to what she knows, to meditating and reading and running the training course.
Only it leaves her alone with thoughts, and that is another struggle, one she's faced her whole life but is so different now after her experience on Exegol. Memories haunt her of the Emperor, cackling laughter ripping her life force away, of pain and regret as she faded into the Force; of Ben Solo, giving his so that she could live only to die in her arms, their connection as a dyad now gone. There are visions filled with lightning and thunder, crashing waves and desert sands; nightmares filled with the deaths of her friends, dead eyes staring accusingly at her. Rey feels like it should be over—she'd won, she'd defeated the Dark Side—and yet it isn't. She doesn't feel settled, normal, ready to move on; there is a part of her is missing, and the rest of her is lost and alone, more unsure than ever. She doesn't know what to do about it, so she works harder, trying to bury it deep down.
And the harder she works, the more exhausted she grows, both physically and emotionally. She's too tired to sleep, and snaps at everyone, preferring to be alone, away from the looks and whispers even though she hates it. She is close to the edge again, to that same precipice she'd fallen from when she'd left Kef Bir and gone back to Ahch-To to live in exile. She doesn't know how far she will fall this time, or where she will land: the future is a yawning abyss before her, one she both fears and yet feels may be the only way forward. It builds and builds, day by day, until she is ready to burst with it—the need to leave, to run far away and leave it all behind.
Which is when Poe finds her.
It is early morning, long before most of the base is up and about. She is in her clearing, trying to clear her mind and get to the root of her discontent, to see her path forward, but she can see nothing. Not darkness, not emptiness, simply nothing. Her frustration grows, and she is so out of sorts that Poe startles her. She's usually able to sense people approaching, and yet she does not sense him until he clears his throat, and she barely catches herself from crashing to the ground. Embarrassed, she gives into her instinctive response and snaps at him.
"You might warn someone before sneaking up on them!"
Poe raises an eyebrow, glances behind him, and shrugs. "Didn't think I was sneaking, but I'm sorry? Cup of caf to make up for it?"
She frowns. "Thank you, but I don't usually like it—"
"Without milk and sugar, I know," he says, and she is surprised he knows that about her. He hands her the cup with a smile. "And I might have added a little something extra."
She takes a hesitant, yet curious, sip; it is delicious. "It's wonderful," she tells him, starting to feel some of the tension drain away already. "What is it?"
He taps the side of his nose and grins. "Famlly secret. My mom used to drink something similar."
"Thank you," she tells him. She knows he lost his mother at a young age, almost the same age that she had. It feels meaningful, for some reason, that he has given her a piece of that memory. She wonders why. "So what's this for?" she asks, trying to sound casual and not as blunt as the question actually is. She knows she's failed when he grins.
"I'd like to say it's just because," he says. "But we both know I'd be lying."
"I don't know," she admits. "I'm not exactly in tune with those things lately."
He nods as if he understands; she's often wondered if he is both more perceptive and more compassionate than he sometimes lets on. "And that's what it's for," he says. He glances around the clearing, doesn't seem to find what he is looking for, and shrugs. "Sit with me?" he asked, and throws himself to the ground before she answers. She gives him a skeptical look, then grabs the blanket she had brought with her, in case she needed to meditate on the ground where she couldn't lose her concentration and fall. She lays it out and he moves over, his pants already wet from the grass.
"Thanks," he says with a rueful grin, brushing the dew from his legs.
"First caf, then a thank you," she says, but she joins him anyway. "Now I'm worried."
He takes a sip of his caf. "Actually, Finn's worried," he says. "And me, though Finn is the one who can really see it. Who can feel it." He gives her a knowing look.
"He told you?" she asks. They have been so busy, she honestly has no idea whether Finn has told anyone about his Force sensitivity or the work they've barely begun. To her surprise, Poe shakes his head.
"No, he didn't," he says. "I figured it out. I'm not as dumb as I look, you know." Another knowing look, this one capped with a grin.
"No one thinks that about you, Poe," she says. "We think you're cocky and impulsive and a pain in the—"
"Hey," he interrupts. "You're not one to complain about me being cocky and impulsive, you know." He bumps her shoulder. "Anyway, we're not talking about me."
"No, we were talking about Finn. How did you figure it out?" She is both genuinely curious and wants to distract him from whatever he's worried about. He narrows his eyes at her, as if he knows her ulterior motive, but answers anyway.
"It all started fitting together," Poe replies with a shrug. "Little comments here and there, those feelings he always has, his instincts. And this thing between you two—"
"What thing?" she exclaims, startled at the implication. There it was again, her inability to read people, to sense them. "There's no thing between us!"
"Relax," he tells her, patting her knee. She has almost forgotten how physical Poe could be sometimes. He is always touching Finn, but that's Finn, and there are other reasons for that which are obvious to everyone but them, apparently. Here, now, alone with him in her clearing, she is suddenly reminded of how good it feels to be comforted by touch, and finds she has missed it in her long months of training.
"I didn't mean it like that," he says. "And if it is, that's fine. I meant, that you—"
"Wait, what do you mean, it's fine? Poe, it's not like that at all! You have nothing to worry about, or be jealous of."
"Hang on!" he exclaims. He sets down his mug so he can gesture with both hands. "I am not worried about anything, or jealous, because I am Finn's friend, and yours. And we're still not talking about me right now, okay?"
"Maybe we should," she replies. "Because I know how you feel about—"
"Rey." He stops her with his tone, shakes his head. "That's not why I'm here, and if you want to give me an earful about Finn—which I've already had from at least three other people, including one I haven't seen for ten years—then I will schedule you in. I know Finn is Force-sensitive, we talked about it a few days ago. We're good. I'm here for you now."
"Fine," she grumbles. "Go on."
"Finn is worried, and so am I. I don't get all your Force stuff, but even I can see something is off, that something is bothering you. You're quiet, out here alone, running yourself ragged." He glances away, across the clearing and into the jungle. "And I think I get it. I understand."
She can't help but laugh, the edges of it bitter. "Poe, I don't even understand. How can you?"
He leans back on his elbows and stretches his legs in front of him. "There was this pilot once," he starts. "Who went to war, fought against the bad guys. They had several close calls—almost froze to death, once— but they won in the end. Then there was the long cleanup. After that they finally went home, but it didn't feel right, not for a while. It felt like there was something missing, something they still had to do, until they finally realized what that was."
"And what was that?" she asks, trying not to sound too dry. It is obvious that Poe's story is about him.
"Well, they realized that they needed to live the life they'd fought for. To raise the next generation, pass on what they had fought for and learned. So they did, and they were happy for many years."
Maybe it isn't Poe then. So she asks.
"Who was the pilot?"
Poe glances up at her. "My mother."
"Oh." Another memory, another connection. Only this time Rey doesn't quite understand the point he is trying to make. "She fought against the Empire?" she asks.
"Yes, she was at the battle of Endor," Poe says, and she can hear the pride in his voice. "Saw the Death Star go down. Helped clean up, flew with Leia a few times, even Luke Skywalker. And then she came home. But she was restless."
"How old were you?"
Poe laughs. "Too young to remember," he tells her. "This is more my dad's story, things he's told me about her. He said she was like that until she started teaching me to fly. And then she realized what she had fought for, what her future was: her family."
Rey is silent, waiting for Poe to continue, to tell her why he is sharing this story even though she can guess why. The problem is that she doesn't have a family, not really. She has Finn, and Poe, and the others, but not a family like Poe's mother had, a husband and a son to come home to, to teach and love. And that's only part of what's bothering her, so she's not sure why Poe is telling her this.
He sighs, sips his caf. "It's hard, finding your path when the fighting is done," he says quietly, and she glances up in surprise. Maybe he does get it, only—
"You don't seem to be struggling," she blurts, almost immediately regretting it when he gives her a raised eyebrow.
"I'm not done fighting," he says. He points up to the sky. "Maybe up there, but now I'm fighting down here, to get people to see what we've done, to understand what we still have to do to keep this from happening again. My role has changed, but my path is still clear. It's not the best change," he admits. "Sometimes I think I'd rather be up there."
"Me too," she says, then backtracks. "Not that I want to keep fighting, for more people to die, but…"
"You're not sure of your role in this new fight," he finishes. "You don't know what to do now that the real battles are over, so you're back out here, running a training course you could probably do in your sleep."
"That's part of the problem," she admits after a brief silence, contemplating how much to share. She quickly decides that maybe Poe is someone who can help. He may not have the same ability in the Force that she does, but he's seen his share of life's struggles, and something tells her she can trust him with this. "Only I can't run it in my sleep, not anymore. I can't concentrate, even more than before…all this." She waves her hand, vaguely indicating the last month.
"Ah." He lays down, puts his hands behind his head. Sometimes she envies his easy-going ways, how comfortable he is with himself and with others. Although, if she looks closely, she can spot the tension in his eyes, the sadness in his smile. Once again she is reminded that Poe Dameron is more than he appears.
"You never said what happened on Exegol," he starts. "Between you and the Emperor, with Ren. And you don't have to." He turns his face to her. "I don't want to make you relieve that, because I can only imagine how hard it was. If it will help, I'm here to listen, though. Anytime." When she nods, a lump in her throat, he continues, staring back up at the blue sky.
"Remember that time I went to Kuat, not long after the fleet left Ryloth? I was gone for a few weeks."
She thinks back, nods. "You never talked about it much," she said. "We figured it was classified."
He smiles. "There wasn't enough of us to classify it from," he jokes. "But in a way, it was. I didn't want anyone to know I'd gone home, back to Yavin 4."
"Oh," she replies, not sure what else to say. The look on his face is far away, as if he is gazing into the past.
"That was a bad time for me," he says softly. "I needed to get away, clear my head. And I really wanted to check on my dad, I was so worried after that list came out, worried he'd be next…" He trails off, shakes his head. "I know I joked about being torture buddies, but it's not something to take lightly. From the moment I was captured on Jakku, things hit hard. I was tortured on the Finalizer, you know, and not only by Ren. He was the one who finished it." His voice is bitter, and she touches his arm.
"I'm sorry," she says. "You don't have to talk about it either, you know."
"No, no," he smiles up at her. "I have a point to make. I escaped, thanks to Finn, but crashed our ship. I made it back here, but then we went after Starkiller. Took that out, but then we had to evacuate, and that…that was bad." He sighs. "And then Crait, which was even worse. But there was no time to stop, not when we needed a place to go, people to fight with us. It wasn't until we settled on Avedot that it all hit me. Maybe like it's all hitting you now?"
"Maybe," she says. He is right, in a way. She keeps trying to hold it all back, the memories of Exegol, but knows she can't for much longer. Between the pain of her past and the uncertainty of her future, it is no wonder she feels so confused about the present. "Well, no, you're right…a lot happened on Exegol, and sometimes when I think about it…it's overwhelming. I don't know what to do with it, with the memories. I think it's definitely affecting why I feel like…this." She motions at herself, sighs as she lays down next to him, shoulder to shoulder.
"So what happened when it all hit you?" she asks.
"Leia sent me home," he tells her, his voice more matter-of-fact than anything. "I tried to argue, of course, but in the end, she was right. I needed to fall apart away from it all, come back stronger. So I went home, saw my dad. He was fine, he was safe, and so I fell apart. He helped put me back together, and I came back stronger. Still have my moments, though," he murmurs.
She is silent, trying to figure out why he is telling her this, other than to sympathize. He turns his head toward her and smiles. He has a nice smile, and his eyes are full of empathy.
"You're wondering why I'm telling you all this, aren't you?"
"Are you reading my mind?" she asks.
"Nah, that's a Jedi thing," he laughs. "I'm telling you this because I get it. Or I'm trying to, and I want to help. If you need to go somewhere to fall apart and put things back together, I understand."
"You're giving me permission to leave?" she asks, not masking her surprise. "To run off on my own, when you've spent the last few months saying you need me here, fighting with you?"
He turns back to the sky. "I'm not backing off that," he tells her. "We could have used you out there, while you were down here fighting trees." A grin splits his face. "But I guess it worked out in the end."
She rolls her eyes, and he laughs again. "Hey, I can admit my mistakes. You saved us all, Rey, because of that training. So thanks for that, even if you did drop a tree on my droid."
"You're welcome." She can't help but laugh with him, it is such a ridiculous exchange. She sobers quickly. "I admit, I have thought about it, about leaving."
He hums, waiting for her to continue.
"But I think…I'm afraid of what might happen. If I'm alone, if I let myself fall apart. I don't have a home to go back to, a family, like you did. And you came back to the war. Where would I go, and what would I come back to?"
He turns on his side, props his head on his hand, elbow on the ground. "Well, you do have a family," he tells her. "Us. Finn and me and Chewie and BB-8. We're your family, you know. And if you wanted to go back to Jakku…" He trails off, tries to catch her eye as she looks away. "I could try to talk Finn into it."
"Good luck with that, he hates Jakku." They share another laugh. "I don't think the answer is on Jakku. I don't know how I know that, but I don't think that's where I need to go."
"Okay, fair enough," he says. "Wherever it is, we'll figure it out. We'll be there, with you. Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"So I can steal your caf," he says, but she can tell he's joking. "Just close your eyes, I'm not going to kiss you or anything."
"Thank stars for that," she murmurs, but she smiles when he huffs.
"Okay," he says, lowering his voice. "We're in the Falcon. You're actually letting me fly with you," he adds, and this time she snorts. "Finn is there, and Chewie, and BB-8. The fighting is over, and we don't have to worry about the base. D'arcy and Connix can handle it for a few days, and Kin and Rose and all the other good people here. We can go anywhere, just us. Where are we going?" he asks. He lowers his voice even more. "Where do you need to go?"
She pictures it, the scene he's painted. On the Falcon, with her family. The freedom of flying, no more fighting, no pressure to train. Her and Finn and Poe, free from the war, searching for something…for what? She's not sure yet, but there's something…she can almost see it. She takes a breath, reaches out.
"Tatooine," she says. Her eyes fly open. "Tatooine?"
"Not what I expected," Poe admits, "but that's all right. Tatooine. Don't think about why. That's where we go. It's a Jedi thing, right?"
"I guess so," she murmurs.
"Luke was from Tatooine," he tells her. "And Leia said her father was as well. Maybe that's part of it. Finn's gonna hate it, but we'll talk him into it together."
"Talk Finn into what?"
Suddenly Finn is there in the clearing with them, and they both sit up, startled as if they've been caught at something. Which they haven't, they've been sitting on a blanket talking, but Finn looks…disgruntled, maybe? Definitely surprised, and almost a little hurt.
"We're planning a trip," Poe says, recovering much quicker than Rey does. "You want to go?"
"Depends," Finn says, arms closing defensively over his chest as he raises an eyebrow. "Were you planning on inviting me, or did I interrupt something?"
"Of course we were planning on inviting you," Poe tells him with a fond smile. "And Chewie and BB-8, too. Although I'm not sure you're going to like it."
Finn frowns. Rey wishes he'd smile more. "Why not? Is it First Order business? Because I can handle anything they want to throw at us. Or is it the New Republic? Because I'll have a go at them, too."
Poe laughs. "No, nothing like that. But there is a lot of sand."
"Sand." Finn's face falls and he gives Rey an accusing glare. "You want to go back to Jakku, don't you."
"No, Tatooine," she tells him, bracing for it.
"Which is even farther, and way more seedy," Poe adds, then laughs at the look on Finn's face. "Still want to come?"
"You bet I do. Someone needs to keep you two out of trouble."
They way Poe looks at Finn makes Rey want to smack them both sometimes. "It wouldn't be the same without you," he says. Rey can practically hear all the other things he's thinking, and gives him a knowing look, which he returns with an innocent one. Finn, of course, picks up on it immediately.
"I don't know if I like you two conspiring like this," he says. "It's weird."
Poe shakes his head, and this time Rey can't help but laugh at the look on Finn's face. "We're not conspiring. Poe is helping me with something."
Finn's face immediately relaxes, though there is concern in his eyes. "You talked to her," he says. "I said I was going to talk to her."
"Well I got here first," Poe answers cheerfully. "Plus, I don't get to talk to her enough, with you two doing your Jedi thing now." He waves his hand. Finn meets Rey's eyes with a rueful grin.
"He knows."
"I know he knows," she says. "I wish you'd told him."
Now Finn looks embarrassed, but Poe waves it off. "No worries, pal. I understand."
"I know you do, spice runner," Finn returns, and they grin, and Rey wonders how that talk went. "So when are we taking this little joy ride to Tatooine?"
Poe looks to Rey, who has no answer. "Few days?" he suggests. "We've got some things to take care of around here, then as long as nothing comes up, we leave the rest of the gang in charge and head out. Sound good?"
"As long as it's not Jakku," Finn replies. "And speaking of things around here, General, we're expecting that holo-call from Corellia soon, remember?"
"Yes, General," says Poe, giving a small salute. "I'll be there in a few minutes."
And there's that disgruntled look on Finn's face again, though Rey can also see the hints of a smile. "Oh, so now who's the one keeping secrets with Rey?"
"We're not keeping secrets," Rey says quickly, giving Poe a look so he doesn't say anything stupid. "We'll be right there."
"Okay," Finn says, though he still looks unsure. "I'll see you back at the base."
"Thanks, buddy," Poe says. Finn nods, then turns to leave. Rey watches him go, then watches Poe. He looks like a lovesick nerf herder.
"I think I'd like to make an appointment after all," she says, and he glances at her in surprise. She jerks her head toward where Finn had left them. "About that."
Poe sighs and stands up, holding out his hand for her even though she is perfectly capable of standing on her own. He does not answer. She grabs the blanket and starts to bunch it up, but Poe takes one end and starts to fold it, so she follows suit, taking the opposite corners, until he yanks it from her hands and bursts into laughter as it flies up in her face.
"So are so annoying," she tells him. "I don't know why I even bother."
"I'm not so bad," he tells her, then quickly folds the blanket and bundles it under his arm. "Most of the time."
They walk back toward base together, quiet until Rey speaks. "What happens when we come back?" she asks.
"Well, maybe you'll find some answers on Tatooine," he tells her. "And if not, we'll figure it out together, find your purpose here. Because you belong here, Rey. You helped us take down the First Order, and you can help us rebuild something new now. Something better—for the New Republic, and maybe for the Jedi."
She is silent for a moment, thoughts swirling. "I'd like that," she says. "As long as I know my role, place in all this. Not knowing what to do now, it's…" She trails off. "It's part of what's making this so hard."
"I know," he says. "And I'm sorry we haven't done more to help you. We'll figure this out, I promise."
"I believe you," she says, then is silent for a moment. "And I'm glad you're coming with me," she says softly. "You and Finn. But…" She tries to frame her words carefully. "I think I might need some time…on Tatooine…alone, if you don't mind."
"Not at all," he says easily and immediately. "We can drop you off, pick you up whenever you want. That way you've got us there and back, and BB-8 could always stay if you want."
She reaches for his hand and holds tight. "Hands?" he teases.
"Hands," she says. "Thank you, that sounds perfect. But what will you do? With Finn? Alone on the Falcon?" she teases.
"Not what you're thinking," he tells her. "Because I know what you're thinking."
"And you're not?" she asks in mock surprise, then quickly grows serious. "Poe, when are you going to say something to him?"
They step into the area surrounding the base, where Finn is talking with Rose and Kin. Poe stops and gazes at him, his heart in his eyes, but shakes his head. "Maybe never," he tells her, and the sadness in his voice breaks her heart.
"Poe—"
"Make an appointment," he tells her. "First we figure you out, okay?"
She narrows her eyes at him. "You are a difficult man."
"I've heard that before," he laughs. "And I don't plan on changing anytime soon."
"Good," she says quietly. "Don't." She leans over to kiss him on the cheek. "And thank you."
He doesn't make another joke, but holds her gaze. "You're welcome. We're here for you, Rey. We're your family."
"I know that now," she says.
Maybe that is what she's been missing, what she's failed to see, or accept. She has been so wrapped up in her own dark history and family name, she has forgotten that the past does not need to define her, not when she has people who love her now. She may not know what the future holds, but knowing they will be there already makes it easier to bear.
And she has a starting point: Tatooine. She doesn't know what she will find there, but it feels right, to go to the place where so much of this story they're living had started. She can lay down the burden of the past and look to the future. With her family—with Poe, and Finn, and Chewie and BB-8—she will find her place in this new world. She can feel it, now.
Squeezing Poe's hand one last time, she lets go and watches him join Finn and hurry to their holo-call. They walk close together, and she can almost see the connection between them in the Force; she hopes they will realize it soon. She moves through the base on her own, and it feels different now—more comfortable, more like home. She smiles, and she talks to Rose and Jannah and D-O, before making her way to the area she'd claimed as her own, where she keeps the old Jedi texts and all the other things she likes to tinker with.
She finds the lightsaber she'd started before everything had gone sideways, before Exegol and the Emperor, before she'd died. And suddenly she knows, clearer than anything, that she must finish it. Claim it as her own, in order to move on from the past and create her own future. With a calm center she hasn't felt for months, Rey takes up the unfinished lightsaber and sets to work, determined to complete it before she goes to Tatooine.
Where she will find her path and begin her new journey, with Finn and Poe and her new family at her side.
Author's Note:
I am sort of in love with the idea of Poe and Rey having this kind of relationship. Not romantic at all, but so close, like brother and sister. She knows how he feels about Finn, and he would do anything for her. And I think he would understand some things about her, what she might be going through, because they really are awfully similar, cocky and impulsive, strong and loyal. This is my third story about Poe and Rey, and if you like it, please consider reading Scouting Mission or The World Will Be Right Again. And letting your authors know you're reading. I love telling stories, but even more, I love knowing someone is enjoying them. Thank you for reading!