A/N: OKAY HI! So, I know I already have an ongoing LWD fanfic (it's called Risks-shameless plug) but this insane idea came to me and I couldn't help writing it down. I love these two and can't think about anything else.
I hope you're all having a chill and safe global pandemic. Hopefully, I can provide some very much needed escapism and entertainment, god knows how much i'm personally aching for it! Enjoy :)
Casey often dreamed of Derek's disappearance.
She'd close her eyes and see his empty room. No more piles of dirty laundry on top of his bed or his desk, no more loud music after 1 am and no more Derek constantly knocking on her door. It was all innocent enough, in her modest opinion, as there was usually never any malicious intent behind her daydreams. She just wanted a quiet house and a less troubled daily life. But in fact, there was no need for any overly-dramatic plans at all since their futures were already settled: they'd go their separate ways after high school and would only ever see each other on major holidays.
Normally that was enough to satisfy her fantasies, except for the days where Derek gave it his best effort to make her angry- those were the moments where Casey started plotting. And every time her thought process was the same: if Nora and George were to get divorced, Casey could move back home and never see Derek again. There were more elaborate ways to achieve the same result, sure, but when she was sufficiently mad, this was her favorite one. Of course, it only ever lasted until her mind started making sense again and she realized she didn't want them apart, not really. Nora seemed happy enough with George, even if he was a little silly and immature at times (clearly that was part of his genetic code since all three of his children happen to carry the same traits), and her happiness was enough to shut Casey up.
Also, Casey never actually wished for Derek to disappear, it just exhausted her to know that they had been at each other's throats since the beginning of high school. There were scheduled fights almost every morning (DE-REK, get out of the shower right now or I'll kick this door down!), and follow-ups nearly every evening. There had been a few gracious moments in-between that seemed to earn Derek the laziest of redemptions, but he knew to never give too much. He was in complete control of himself in every situation that came his way, and for that Casey envied him: she could never give less than what others expected of her and just a little bit more. Derek however, was a master of manipulating and lowering people's expectations of him- he always did just enough so that his efforts would be grossly over-appreciated. And it did work since people found themselves constantly in awe of him every time he did the bare minimum.
It was pointless to fight it though. Derek and Casey were natural enemies, they had always been until they suddenly weren't.
Casey couldn't tell how or even when it happened. Was it the day he saw her trip on the school's hallway but didn't say anything? Or the morning he willingly got out of the bathroom earlier because he knew Casey had a presentation in the morning that she was really nervous for? Maybe it was the day he finally gave her a ride to school, that cold November morning of their senior year when Casey just happened to be late for her classes and Derek just so happened to have stayed behind too. Or maybe it happened when he let her pick the music they'd drive home to a few weeks later, even though he never let anyone else touch his radio.
She wasn't sure, she doubted she'd ever really know, but most days it felt nice to finally get along with him. There were still moments where Casey wished she bared the sole power to rip his head out, some things might never change, yet everything else was seamless.
For a long time, it felt unnatural to her for things to be so easy between them. On those days Casey could sense the anxiety blooming and growing in the pit of her stomach. Surely it was all a great joke, she'd think, whilst she roamed around her room. He was only pretending to be kind so that he could earn her trust and have her crumble like a paper figure under his knuckles. There was no way Derek was acting nice just for the sake of it because that wasn't who he was.
"Why are you acting like this?" She once asked him, when they were standing alone in the kitchen in the middle of the night, separated only by the marble aisle.
"Acting like what?" Derek shot back, taking a spoonful of ice-cream to his mouth.
She swallowed her pride.
"Acting nice."
He threw his head back in laughter, which only confused her further. "Why? Did you really enjoy the war? Do you want me to go back to ruining your life?"
Yes, a voice spoke from somewhere within her and she had to bite her tongue in order to keep quiet.
"No," Casey shook her head, shrugging slightly "It's just weird."
"Well, you were a worthy opponent, Case, but I'm tired of fighting. Coming up with new inventive ways to ruin your day and hate you was too troubling."
Am I not worth the trouble? The same voice whispered again before Casey mentally shushed herself.
"Did you ever?" She asked. He arched his eyebrow in response, waiting for her to gather up the courage to ask him what she really wanted to know. "Hate me, I mean. Did you?"
An awkward silence hung heavily between them, making the air suddenly unbearably thick and hard to breathe.
"I don't know," Derek finally said, his words landing like a hard blow to her face.
Looking back on that moment now almost made her want to laugh. How stupid and foolish was she to have believed him? At least now she could see it clearly, how wrong she had been to listen to him and how his stillness was simply hiding something much worse underneath; something folly and rotten.
It was as if she had been sitting idly by the beach, absently watching the sea back slowly away from the shore, drying up the sand beneath her feet. Her eyes were focused on the water, which stood further and further away at each passing moment, yet her mind was elsewhere. In time she'd learn how such blissful ignorance came with a price, though. Because maybe if she had noticed it sooner, she could have stopped the water from gaining momentum, or at the very least she could have had time to distance herself from the giant waves headed her way. And maybe then she wouldn't have nearly drowned in the reckless tide he was pulling in.
Yet there she was, still struggling to stay adrift and fighting her chest for breath whenever her mind circled back to those thoughts.
Tonight was no different.
The ceiling looked the same as it did every other night and her bedroom was too cold for her to fall asleep. That always seemed to happen whenever she came home from university for the weekend, the emptiness trapped within her walls made her room cold and uninviting. In all honesty, Casey hated coming home now. It had nothing to do with her family, in fact, they were the only reason she still came to visit every other week, but being back in London made her skin crawl with uncomfortableness.
Nothing was the same as it used to be, and Casey found their new normality revolting and unnatural. Why were they trying so hard to pretend like nothing had changed? And why was she the only one who couldn't seem to do it? Maybe because things aren't normal, she'd often remind herself as she glanced around the dinner table and caught sight of the usual empty chair by Edwin. Nothing had been normal for over two years.
Not since Derek left.
Casey could still remember the last time she had seen Derek, so clearly it was almost painful. It was the memory she'd worn the most since then, not because it was her favorite or even the one she hated most, but because it was the only one that really hurt.
It was the last week of August, which meant the moment she'd been dreading all summer was almost there: in less than a week she'd be leaving for university.
Casey had been obsessively organizing her room for days, watching her every step as she paced around the room, trying to avoid the boxes that now occupied nearly every inch of the floor. On that particular Tuesday night she was going through her closet, trying to figure out what clothes she wanted to leave behind. She was so focused on the chaos she didn't even notice Lizzie coming into her room.
"You need to relax, Casey." Her sister said as she lied on her bed, pushing a box filled with books away with her feet. "You'll give yourself a stroke one of these days."
"I can't relax, Lizzie!" Casey practically yelled, her chest puffing with an excess of air. "I have one week left to organize my entire life before I move away. Permanently. That's barely enough time to figure out what clothes I'm taking with me! Let alone to decide everything else."
Her hands were now on her head, massaging her temples.
"Casey!" Lizzie called "You're spiraling."
"Oh my God… I am."
"Come sit and let's breathe, okay?" Moments like those often had Lizzie wondering if she was actually meant to be the older sister after all, but there was simply no replacing Casey for the role.
Casey nodded slowly, dragging her heavy body to sit by her sister.
"What's really worrying you, Case?"
"I don't know." She shrugged her shoulders, blinking away the tears that were welling in her eyes "Maybe I'm just not ready to leave home yet. I can't leave you guys… I'm not sure I can be on my own so soon."
"You know you won't be alone, Derek's going with you."
Casey cringed at those words until her face was riddled with creases. She could do without being reminded she'd have to share Queen's University with him for the next four years.
"Is that supposed to be reassuring?"
"It was." Lizzie sighed. She couldn't dream to understand their dynamic, not even after so many years of them living together; it was best to remain ignorant in that subject. "But that's not the point right now. Casey, you're the most annoyingly independent person I know."
"Okay, is that supposed to be reassuring?" Casey mocked, throwing her body back onto the bed.
"What I mean is that you'll be fine. You know that. We'll be worse off without you, believe me. You don't need us to succeed, Case."
"Wow, that was really sweet, sis." She smiled, reaching out to grab Lizzie's hand "But I do need you. And I'll miss you so much. It's funny how the only person I could live without is the only person coming with me."
And as if Casey had summoned him, Derek was suddenly at her door, leaning against the frame with his arms folded across his chest.
"Get out, Lizard, I need to talk to Casey."
His serious tone had Casey's stomach tied in knots. Some times she still found herself nervous around him, though she couldn't definitely say why that was. He just had a powerful, demanding energy that often made her feel slightly light-headed when he was present. Lizzie got up and left the room, rolling her eyes at her step-brother as she walked out. Derek shut the door behind her and stood there quietly, simply staring at her. The awkwardness of it all was enough for Casey to rise and sit on her bed with her hands resting expectantly on her knees.
"How do you know if you're doing the right thing?" He asked after a moment, his mouth tightly pursed as he awaited her response.
The question had caught her severely off guard. Her throat itched and she had to clear it loudly just so it would stop.
"What do you mean?" Was all she managed to say.
"I mean when you're faced with choices…" He cleared his throat too, which worried Casey because he only ever mimicked her behaviors when he was nervous. Why was he nervous? "How do you know which one is the right one?"
"Well… I'd say that usually one just inherently feels more right than the other. Like you just know what you need to do, even when it isn't exactly the obvious answer."
He was circling around her room now, his movements accompanied by her attentive eyes. The quiet tension floated in the air like static electricity, making her heart rate rise rapidly. He had never come into her room for such a meaningful talk before, in fact, they never used to have meaningful talks, so why was he so insistent on getting her opinion? Usually she even gave it unrequited, that was her job, and his was to knowingly ignore her.
"Even if that choice might bring some unforeseeable consequences?" Derek pressed on, cracking his knuckles.
"Yes?" Casey wondered out loud, leaning in towards him "Is this about university? Do you regret your decision?"
"You wish." He played, his lips curving into a coy smile.
"W-what?" She stuttered, shaking her head "No, no, I don't want you to give the opportunity up…"
His hoarse laughter interrupted her.
"You've always been a shitty liar." She frowned in response.
"I'm serious, Derek. I think you should go but if you think there's another choice for you…"
He stayed silent, all traces of amusement now erased from his face. Casey wasn't sure what she was supposed to say next; she still didn't understand what the hell they were talking about. He stepped forward until he was standing by the foot of her bed, his dark eyes uncomfortably locked on hers.
"Derek, you know you can talk to me about anything."
The words felt weird and hot coming out of her mouth. He leaned in until their faces were almost too close. Casey thought, only for a brief moment, that he was going to kiss her. His lips were slightly parted now and he had taken a deep breath as if he were appreciating her scent. Her heart was now thundering inside her chest, so loud in her own ears that she wondered if he could hear it as well. Casey could feel her body begging to edge itself closer to him and she did her best to ignore the urges. Her own lips were burning, almost waiting for his touch to soothe them. He closed his eyes, his forehead creasing like he was in pain, and Casey nearly felt guilty for having hers open. His hair was as messy as it always was and his hockey team sweatshirt smelled of their lavender laundry detergent, despite the old stains splattered across it. Each second took an eternity to pass and at every moment her body spoke louder and louder, enticing her to pull him towards her until they were skin to skin. She inched a bit closer until she could feel his hot breath on her, and she reminded her brain that that should be disgusting her, but somehow it wasn't.
That's when he opened his eyes. Casey wasn't sure if he noticed how close they were now but she didn't dare to move. She watched him as if she were stuck in a trance. His expression was soft yet determined. She saw him calculate his next move, as he glanced down to her begging lips before settling their eye contact once again. He then sighed before backing away.
"Good night, Case." His voice trembled slightly.
For a moment Casey thought he might just turn around and undo all the distance he had just put between them, but before she could call back to him he was gone, shutting the door firmly behind him.
She couldn't sleep that night. Her eyes burned as she stared at the naked ceiling, constantly blinking away the tears that never seemed to cease. Questions about what happened between them plagued her, biting away at her brain and poisoning her mind.
Everything she meant to ask him would remain unanswered though.
By the time the sun had come up the next morning, Derek was long gone.