Breathe. Just, breathe.
Rey remembered Luke's words as she inhaled in through her nose, and slowly exhaled out from her mouth.
Inhale…
Exhale…
Center yourself…
Become one with the Force…
I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me…
She sat in the middle of the main hold within the Millenium Falcon, legs crossed in the meditative position. She shifted uncomfortably on the grated floor beneath, but she figured that this was as good a place as any. She was surrounded by whatever small items she could conveniently find. There was an old remote training droid that she found locked away in a drawer. There was an old blaster helmet with an obscured gray visor (of which Han once mentioned Luke Skywalker himself used during his initial lightsaber training with Ben Kenobi). There was the smooth volcanic stone which Rey herself picked up on Ahch-To to keep as a souvenir. There was her own trusty quarterstaff that she constructed back on Jakku, and…
` Her Lightsaber…
Or what was left of it.
The blade had been cleaved entirely in two, the result of a powerful contest between her and Kylo Ren. She remembered the ferocity of their contest, and it was apparent that they were of equal skill in The Force. Their determination to possess the blade was equal, and it made the throne room shudder under its epic power. It was strong enough to split the very Kyber Crystal that resided within. She'd always remembered to remind herself, though, that the blade belonged to a powerful legacy. A legacy of which she had no right to. According to Luke, it was the weapon that his father Anakin Skywalker, so-known as the "Chosen One", once wielded during the Clone Wars. It was the weapon which, again according to Luke, Anakin wielded during the dreadful Order 66, the Order that brought about the utter destruction of the Jedi Order and the rise of the Galactic Empire. The weapon that slayed countless Jedi,
And countless younglings…
No wonder Luke threw it over his shoulder when I gave it to him.
Despite this, the weapon somehow made its way into the hands of Anakin's Master, who in turn bestowed it upon Luke when he became of age. He fought (although Luke jokingly preferred to use the word "fumbled") with it during the initial years of the Galactic Civil War.
She remembered Luke's face as he told her the story of how he had ultimately lost the weapon. She could see the haunting in his eyes as he recounted to her the terrifying visions he felt through The Force, the ones that told him that his friends were captured by the Empire, enduring torture and awaiting execution. He told her of how he abandoned his nascent Jedi training on Dagobah - despite the behest and warning of his Masters - and set off on a journey across the galaxy on a daring quest to rescue them from the clutches of the Empire.
"I followed them to Cloud City on the planet Bespin, and it was there that I found them. Only too late did I realize that it was a trap..." Luke recounted. He stared into the flames within his hut on Ahch-To. The dwindling fire cast Luke in a warm light as the shadow behind him distorted with the flicker of the flames. The rumble of distant thunder and melody of rain above them.
"Vader was waiting for me. That dark shadow was the one I had seen strike down Ben Kenobi. The one who haunted my nightmares. It was the monster who killed my father…. I remember the confidence, and the fear, that I felt as I confronted him. I felt I had learned so much then. I had finally learned how to control the Force, and use it to my advantage. I had enhanced and honed my ability with the lightsaber. I strengthened my resolve to avenge my father and master's deaths, and through it finally cured the galaxy of tyranny. In my hubris, I told myself that I would be the hero. It was all up to me, everything had led me to this moment.
"I was ready…
He sighed.
"But nothing could have prepared me for the truth".
Rey remembered the tear that descended down Luke's cheek as he looked down at his mechanical right hand. The flames finally died out, and smoking embers rose in their place. The hut began to envelope in a misty veil.
"Vader cornered me after a lengthy duel. I held my own, as best I could. But he was just too strong… the Hate and Rage that surged through him, I just couldn't last against it.
"He cut off my hand, and I was at his mercy… It was then that he told me words,
'I am your father'.
More tears streamed down his face, and he closed his eyes. A moment passed before he spoke again.
"In that moment… I knew it. Every fiber of my being screamed that it was a filthy lie, made only to confuse and coerce me into begging for my life and into joining the Sith, The Dark Side of the Force.
"But my heart knew the truth. I searched my feelings, and I knew it to be the truth… My father had died, yes, but it wasn't at the end of Vader's crimson lightsaber. No, Anakin died the moment that he himself surrendered to the Darkness. The moment he forsook the Jedi Order and gave himself to the Sith, to Darth Sidious. My father died the moment he became Darth Vader".
Luke shifted himself, clearing trying to regain his composure.
"He held out his hand to me, beckoning me to join him to destroy The Emperor and bring peace to the galaxy,
"As father and son."
Rey opened her eyes, snapped back into reality and exhaled with frustration. She could hear the whirr of the ship as it rocketed it's way through hyperspace. Finn, Rose, Threepio, and Chewbacca were ahead in the cockpit, most likely. She was alone in the main hold. Hardly a distraction in sight. So then why couldn't she just focus? She stifled her frustration and resolved herself to try again.
"Focus." she whispered herself. "Focus your attention to the now, not to the past."
She closed her eyes again.
Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to.
The words of Kylo Ren conjured in her mind. No, it was the words that Ben Solo said to her. It was after he killed Snoke on The Supremacy. The duel that ensued there wasn't against one another; they fought together. They fought side by side, back to back, as one! She remembered the elated Hope she felt as she looked into Ben's eyes after Snoke's death. She remembered how The Force surged through her as it connected the two of them in battle. The two of them against the dead Supreme Leaders elite Praetorian guards. The battle was fierce and savage, and she unleashed herself to The Force. She had never felt so powerful before. Even a wound inflicted upon her arm couldn't stop her, but instead fueled her inner fire. At the end, it was the two of them left standing. They were victorious. The enemies were slain, including the Supreme Leader himself. Her mission was complete. She did as Luke Skywalker had once done to Anakin Skywalker. She helped turn a lost, tortured soul from Darkness and back into the Light.
Only she hadn't. Kylo's gaze was fixated on Snoke's throne. On the power it emanated.
It's time to let old things die. Snoke, Skywalker. The Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels. Let it all die.
Rey, I want you to join me. And then he held out his hand to her.
Please.
Rey opened her eyes, and a new wave of frustration settled in. She couldn't meditate, it was impossible. Her brain was filled to the brim with memories of others, swirling with anxiety over the future's grim uncertainty, and the painful defeats of the past. She was a failure, she told her herself. A pathetic and stupid failure. It was because of her the Resistance was in its doomed state.
She failed to convince Luke Skywalker to return to his sister and join the Resistance. He was the only one who had any hope to defeat the First Order, just as he defeated the Empire before. Through his victory, The Republic and the Jedi would be restored to the galaxy.
He would restore The Light.
Only he didn't, and it was all her fault.
Luke saw her connection with Kylo Ren, saw them as they inexplicably touched hands a galaxy apart! It was then that she knew Luke's exile was permanent. He was always wary of Rey's abilities with the Force. Not wary, utterly terrified. Her performance on the mountain of the First Jedi Temple assured him of that. In a meditative trance, Rey split the very mountain rock, conjured a hurricane out of thin air, and instinctively walked towards the Darkness. The Darkness beckoned her with answers, and she followed without so much as a hesitative thought. Her grand spectacle of raw primal Force energy nearly killed them both… but it was the energy that had for so long been locked down deep within her.
She thought Luke could help her, but the Luke Skywalker she heard about in the legends and tales was only a shell of his former self. He did help her, in his own unconventional and frustrating way, but he also discouraged and lied to her even more. All of it was all for naught. Once Luke saw Rey and Kylo touch hands in that stone hut on Ahch-To, any hope of him joining her was dashed. He ordered her to leave the island immediately. She refused, and instead demanded that Luke admit to his role in the creation of Kylo Ren. When he ignored her, she threatened him with her staff. The short duel that ensued afterwards between them only confirmed her worst fear.
Kylo Ren was right. He had told her the truth. Luke Skywalker did indeed create Kylo Ren, and yet even he still refused to rectify his mistake. Thus, she took it upon herself to save Kylo Ren and bring him back into the Light, thus uprooting the First Order and the Dark Side from within. She would do as Luke Skywalker once did, and save the galaxy from Darkness.
She'd do it herself.
Only she didn't. She'd failed.
Ben Solo was still Kylo Ren, and was now the new Supreme Leader of the First Order. The conflict still raged, and the galaxy was still in chains. The "Spark of Hope" that was the Resistance was decimated and on the run, like womp- rats retreating before a rancor.
The worst of all: Jedi Master Luke Skywalker was dead.
And it was all her fault.
She didn't even realize that she was crying until she heard someone enter the room.
"Rey?"
She looked up to see a small girl with short black hair standing at the entrance of the Main Hold. She wore the garb of a star cruise mechanic, with the insignia of the Rebellion sewed upon her arm. It was Rose. She had the look of concern on her face as she approached and knelt down next to her. She took Rey's hand.
"Rey, are you okay?"
Great, Rey thought to herself. She had only known Rose a precious short time since they were introduced after the Battle of Crait. Rey immediately took a liking to the young mechanic. In her own way, Rose shined with a sense of purity and innocence that so palpably contrasted with the other grizzled and jaded members of the Resistance. The Resistance, like The Rebellion before it, was built on the ideals of Hope. It was the central pillar of their cause, although most of her comrades didn't personify it very well, if at all. They were so beaten down, they had been reduced to so little in such a short time. They all had lost so much.
"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear" General Leia had told her not too long ago, but even Leia was showing signs of despair and exhaustion. Her master, the leader of the Resistance, had endured so much, lost so many of the ones she loved... Yet still she carried on. Somehow, she still awoke, day after day, and led her people with strength and courage. She never gave into self-pity, and instead gave her all to the cause she believed in. Leia was a fighter - more tenacious than a ripper-raptor, and yet just as graceful as a desert sunrise. Rey truly admired Leia as she had admired no-one else. She hoped to The Force that one day, she could become as strong as Leia…
But here she was. The so-called "best fighter in the Resistance" sat on the floor, crying by herself, all while a girl she hardly knew looked on in pity.
Rey took her hand away from Rose and dried her tears.
"Yes. I'm fine" she said, a little bit more rudely than she wanted it to.
"Mmhm, it sure looks that way to me" Rose quipped with a small smile.
Rey couldn't help but exhale in a small chuckle. Of course she wasn't fine. In fact, she probably looked as if she'd been through the trash compactor on a star cruiser. She looked into Rose's dark, gleaming eyes. She saw no hint of judgement, or even pity. Only a genuine compassion.
Rey shifted and wiped away more of her tears, of which still fell generously down her face.
No point in lying, I guess.
"Come, let's sit down there," Rose said gently. They both stood and made their way to the Dejarik HoloChess table in the corner of the hold. Rey wanted to spill out everything, but she wanted to say nothing at the same time. She wanted to pour out every little detail of the anguish to Rose, only she knew that if she did, Rose would only judge her for it. After all, Rey colluded with the Supreme Leader of the First Order himself, their sworn enemy! Furthermore, what would she even understand? What could she understand? What would this mechanic know of The Force when she herself, the Jedi apprentice, still understood so little? If she told Rose the truth of the connection between her and Kylo Ren, she would only hate her for it. If she told her of her failure with Luke, Rose would judge her for it. If she told of her struggles with the Force, she would likely be dumbstruck. She elected to vent her feelings as vague as possible.
"Everything…" Rey struggled not to choke on her words "everything… just feels so… hopeless...". Her words failed her, and an awkward silence followed. She looked down at her lap in shame.
Rose put a hand on her shoulder.
"I know… I feel it too". Rose replied as she looked down at the table, all of a sudden retreating into herself.
They sat for a moment in silence, until Rose spoke.
"When my sister died, I felt like I had lost it all."
Rey looked back up at Rose, who stared with empty eyes at the Holochess table.
"Paige, was her name, she perished over D'Qar as we were evacuating the base. She was a part of the bombing squadron that destroyed the First Order Dreadnaught. I remember the last time I saw her, the last time I hugged her. I remember feeling with horror that maybe this would be the last time I would ever see her… I hoped against hope that that wasn't true. I hoped that she'd climb out of the cockpit when it was over and come back to me… But I never saw her again".
Rey looked at Rose and the shroud of sadness that enveloped her. Rose had lost a sister, her own flesh and blood in this conflict. Rey felt a pang of guilt. What had she herself lost in the conflict? Han Solo? A man she only knew for only a precious few days? Master Skywalker? A bitter old man whom she was only a burden to? Who was she to cry when her own comrades lost their own family in this conflict? Then the truth stabbed her again.
I'm no one. My family abandoned me.
She quickly shifted these thoughts aside as Rose spoke further.
"It crushed me. She died, and the fleet was on the run. Her death was in vain. Instead, we were beset by the most hopeless odds. I had to guard the escape pods to protect them against several crew members who were taking it upon themselves to run away from the fight - or flight, I should say. It was then that I ran into Finn…"
Rey looked up to see Rose smiling and nodding to herself.
"I was awestruck. Here was the Finn. The ex-stormtrooper who risked it all to turn his back on the First Order. Pae-Pae and I admired him for his bravery in doing what was right. Yet, here he was, boarding an escape pod, with a packed bag...
"I stunned him then and there. The man who I thought was the Resistance's finest example of heroism, bravery, and morality was actually a coward who was running away."
Rey looked at her patiently, almost wincing at the fact she called Finn a "coward". She said nothing as Rose continued.
"I was going to turn him in to the brig. Resistance hero or not, the same fate was deserved to anyone who decided to desert while others lost their lives. I felt no remorse, it was what was necessary. But then he came to. He explained that he was escaping for a friend of his, for if she were to return to the fleet, then she would be doomed too."
Rose looked knowingly at Rey, but there was no contempt there in her gaze.
"I thought he was a selfish traitor, and I told him as much. But after everything we went through together, Canto Bight, the Supremacy, Crait, I was reaffirmed that this is a cause that Finn truly believes in. Which has made me consider something… Sure, Finn was planning on deserting, and that in itself is a selfish thing. However, when I considered it after, Finn was willing to risk abandoning a cause that he truly believes in, commiting a selfless act, all for one person who he cared about."
Rey was momentarily taken aback. Surely she wasn't insinuating Finn was in love with her. Perhaps from time to time, she considered the fact that maybe Finn fancied her. What with his lingering gazes, his awkward compliments… and of course the battle bond they endured together against Kylo Ren on Starkiller Base. She stayed silent as Rose finished.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, we aren't going to persevere in the face of war by fighting those we hate. We'll win instead by saving the ones we love."
Rey looked down at her lap and smiled. Her words comforted her more than she ever expected. Rose looked up, and smiled.
"Before our mother passed away, whenever Paige or I felt lost, depressed, hopeless, or in despair, mom would recount to us her favorite clan wisdom. It is:
'The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins. It always wins because it is everywhere. It is under your chair, your table and under the sheets on your bed. When you walk in the midday sun, the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet. Even the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows. Even the stars burn out. The dark is generous and it is patient and it always wins – but in the heart of its strength lies its weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold darkness at bay. Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars, and through it, Hope.'"
Rey's skin prickled into goosebumps. The wisdom and comfort of her words flowed throughout her entire body. The ice of despair and self-doubt melted away, and in its place rose a sunrise of solace. There it was again, that most precious feeling:
Hope.
"Thank you, Rose." Rey said with a glimmer of a smile. "Really… I needed that".
They embraced. For a second, a moment, several moments… time all but disappeared.
Rose pulled away gently, keeping her hand on Rey's shoulder.
"I should go check on Finn and Chewie. Hopefully Chewie hasn't yanked Threepio's arms out of his sockets yet". She said with a smile.
Rey laughed a delighted chuckle. It was the first of which she'd had in far too long.
They hugged once more, and Rose returned down the hall to the cockpit. Rey looked back at the items assembled on the floor. With a deep breath, she resolved herself to try again. She moved and assumed her meditative position on the floor. She took another deep breath to steady her mind, and then put her fingers to the floor.
Breathe. Just, breathe.