A/N: This story is based on a prompt by darveyiscanon1 on twitter: /darveyiscanon1/status/1241816162062737413
Again, thank you Yvonne (southsidesister on here and darvey_love on twitter) for beta-ing this and for cheering me on!
The title is a line from one of my favorite Taylor songs "Death By A Thousand Cuts".
happy reading!
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I look through the windows of this love (even though we boarded them up)
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Harvey knew that he didn't choose the easy life. He never wanted easy. He wanted excitement, he craved the thrill, the adrenaline, needed it like others needed air; every single moment of every day. The stakes had to be so high, he risked losing everything with every move he made. He wanted to tiptoe the fine line between having it all, and losing it all in a matter of seconds. He was Harvey Specter after all, and Harvey Specter didn't lose, he played the man and he came out on top; always. He was a gambler, always had been and always would be and he didn't know another way to live. At least not professionally.
In his personal life however - if you could even call it that; life - he always kept his cards close to his chest. He prefered casual over serious and he liked to keep it that way. Never giving anyone too much of himself. At least not anyone who had the strength to actually wound him. And there weren't many people in his life who held that power over him. Actually - if he's being brutally honest with himself, which he usually tries to avert at all costs - maybe there was only one person in his life who could do that; collapse this carefully built construct he had assembled around himself to the point of no return. She almost did once and by doing so only further proved his point that keeping her at arm's length was the only way. The only way to protect himself. To protect her.
In this area of his life, he liked to play it safe.
His job, his position, his reputation; it acted as his security net, providing him with the kick he needed from life, while not taking any chances in matters that actually had the potential to harm him. No risks ever taken in that area.
The past year, however, hit him differently. Lines were blurred and eventually crossed. His two carefully separated worlds mixed up in a way that hit too close to home. He started to become aware of what he was missing, of what he was feeling. And it made him think.
It made him want to be reckless.
.
It all started when he lost her. Her. Not just his secretary, but his best friend, his guiding light, the one person he couldn't afford to lose. Not ever. His physical reaction to her abandonment made that crystal clear to him. His therapist tried to make him believe his issues were rooted deeper, and went back all the way to his childhood. The childhood that was cut short due to his mother's selfishness and his father's absence. And he knew she was right. It made sense that that's where his issues stemmed from. It was a plausible explanation, even he couldn't deny that.
But deep down he also knew that her leaving him wasn't just a catalyst for his panic attacks. He could tell by the way his stomach dropped every time he lifted his gaze from his paperwork to find an empty chair in the cubicle in front of his office. He could tell by the way he couldn't even talk about the fact that she had abandoned him to work for Louis. By the way he lashed out at people because of it. By the way he refused to hire a replacement until he had accepted the fact that she was gone for good.
He could tell by the way he missed her.
And ultimately, he could tell by the unfathomable relief he felt when he found her waiting for him in his condo one night to tell him that she was coming back to him.
She looked like she belonged there. Right there, on his black leather couch with the amber liquid she had helped herself to swirling in one of his crystal tumblers. The warm light from the fireplace illuminating her freckled skin. Having her in his living room brought a certain sense of comfort to his place that he never realized it lacked without her there.
He caught a sniff of her perfume when she walked past him as she was leaving. It almost felt like she was trying to make a point; walking by so closely she almost touched his shoulder. And it took all the strength he could fathom not to stop her from leaving right then. To make her stay. To tell her everything he spent the past months denying.
;
He'd reach out and grab her arm, gently turning her back around.
Her eyes would widen in surprise, a questioning look overtaking her face.
"God, I've missed you," he'd breathe.
She would chuckle, unsure of what was happening, a light shade of pink painting her cheeks. "I wasn't really gone, was I? I was just sitting down the hall."
"You were. I'd lost you."
"You'll never lose me, Harvey." She would whisper, her voice barely audible; the fire cracking in the background almost swallowing it whole.
But he'd hear her, loud and clear. "Promise me you'll never leave again?"
She'd swallow, taken aback by the look in his eyes. A look she'd never seen him wear before. Bare and vulnerable; open and ready.
"Promise."
He'd take a deep breath then, letting her words sink in, the feeling of relief flooding his body for the second time that night.
She was right there with him. He knew it.
Their eyes would lock and his fingers would leave her arm and he would place both hands on her hips; gently, lightly tugging her close until their lips would meet in the softest of kisses.
And that would be that. He'd make her his and things would never be the same again.
;
Only he couldn't do that. It wasn't the time. They needed their focus elsewhere right then. They needed to focus on keeping Mike out of prison.
And as much as he wanted to be; he wasn't ready.
He couldn't risk losing her.
Not again.
So he let her turn around and watched her leave.
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The blurred lines didn't become any clearer after that night. They continued their fight. A battle fought in the courtroom, yet as personal as a legal battle can get. He fought for Donna, for her father, for Rachel, for Jessica, for himself.
And then he nearly gave up. The constant pressure he was under took every ounce of strength he had left in him and he nearly went and turned himself in, if only to make it all stop for everyone. And the only person he needed to see when he was battling with the decision, was her. It was always her.
And she screamed at him with tears in her eyes. And then she looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered and it nearly knocked the air out of his lungs when her next words left her mouth.
"Because I think you're worthy. And I don't wanna lose you."
And there it was again.
;
This time it would have been passionate and frenzied; and electricity between them that couldn't have been tamed.
She would have gotten up from her chair and he would have met her halfway. Their lips would have collided with such a force, she would have gasped from the contact alone.
He would have lifted her up on the table, her legs finding their place around his waist, his hands wandering all over her body; touching and squeezing and stroking. Desperately looking for skin.
He would have lost his jacket and shirt in an instant; buttons popping and landing all around them, hitting her hardwood floor. Her sweater would have followed right after and a soft moan would have left her lips at the feeling of his warm skin against hers.
He would have had her right there on her dining table, for the first time in over a decade.
They would have gotten lost in each other's arms until reality inevitably would have caught up with them again.
;
So instead, he walked to her front door and left. And he held on to the unwavering faith she had in him.
To her.
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They managed to get Mike out of prison and finally it seemed as if life would slow down again. Not completely, he wouldn't want that. But to a point where maybe, possibly he could consider focusing his mind on something that happened outside the four walls of this firm. Something more. Whatever the hell that meant to him; even if he did have an inkling.
And then Jessica went and dropped another bomb on him. He got it. He couldn't blame her. But he still ended up alone in his office that night; overwhelmed and confronted with one of his biggest fears once again; abandonment. His thoughts were racing a hundred miles an hour, his worries somersaulting in his head.
Was he ready for this?
"You wanna be alone?" Her voice echoed through the silence of his office.
And for once, he could actually admit to himself that he didn't. He never really did when it came to her, anyway. Sometimes he would try to make himself think that shutting everyone out was what he needed, but when he searched deep down within himself, when he stopped denying himself the truth, he knew that he'd always choose her immediate presence over anyone else's. Over being alone.
"No."
He heard her footsteps approaching and then she was right next to him, her arm softly grazing his and their proximity alone made the whole situation more bearable in an instant. The constricting feeling in his chest slowly eased up, making it easier for him to breathe again.
Then he felt her hand move next to his and next thing he knew, her fingers were sliding over his, wrapping around his thumb and caressing it softly. His heart skipped a beat at the sudden feeling of her skin against his and his body tensed up for a split second - out of habit; a natural physical reaction after years and years of following an unspoken rule - before he let his shoulders relax and he indulged in the warmth of her soft touch.
All of his worries regarding Jessica leaving were slowly being washed away and once again, the same realization hit him; he would be okay. He would be okay because he still had her. She was right there with him and that fact alone made every ounce of doubt he had about whether he could do this on his own fade away. Because he wasn't on his own.
They were both focused on the New York City skyline and their own reflection in the window when her soft whisper broke the silence once again.
"We're gonna be alright." She turned her head and looked at him after she spoke.
"I know." He nodded his head and met her reassuring gaze. And he meant it.
Because for this brief moment they shared, just the two of them, he did know and he could feel his free hand itching to reach out for her. Itching to cup her cheek, to let her know that the only reason for that, was her.
;
She would freeze for just a second before tilting her head towards his touch, craving more of it. And he would gladly comply with her wish. He would tug at her hand that was still holding onto his and close the little remaining distance between them.
Their chests would end up pushed against one another and all that would be left for him to do, would be to lean down and catch her bottom lip between his, sucking gently. Like he always had imagined he would, if he ever got to kiss her again.
She would melt into his touch instantly, her top lip capturing his, her free hand reaching up to find the nape of his neck, keeping him close. The kiss would be slow and soft and his hands would find her waist; almost as if neither of them wanted the other one to get any ideas, like pulling away too soon. Breaking the spell.
They wouldn't do that until they absolutely had to, which they did once the need for air became too much. She would rest her forehead against his, their breaths mingling and they would stay like that for a while.
Then she would open her eyes and find his staring back at her in a way that would make her breathing hitch in her throat once again. If she didn't know any better she would say it was the look of utter adoration.
;
But he still had his demons to fight. And now he had a firm to run. New challenges to defy.
She gave him the softest of smiles and squeezed his hand before slowly letting go and turning to leave.
And he let her because he knew she was right, she always was.
Timing was a tricky thing; it was never on their side.
.
Everyone was leaving and in the midst of it all, she was the one to make him realize how he would never overcome his issues if he didn't overcome his pride. So he went and did what she told him to; he made amends with his mum. It was one of the hardest things he ever had to do yet when it was done, it was also one of the easiest. It felt completely right, it lifted a weight off his shoulders that he had been carrying for twenty years and when he returned to the city he knew for the first time in a long time that there was a life outside of his job, too.
He also knew he shouldn't feel this happy over the fact that she was still at the office that night, but he did. He didn't question it, though.
He asked her to help him hang up the photograph his mum had given him because she had an eye for detail and she was the only one who truly knew what it meant to him, besides himself.
They stood side by side, gazing at a younger version of himself and his mum; simpler times, a lifetime ago. He turned to look at her standing next to him, like she always did when it truly mattered and he knew right then and there that if he kissed her now, she would let him. And everything would change.
Again.
If he leaned over and captured her lips with his, he would open the floodgates just as the sea around them had started to calm down. He was finally at peace within himself after months and months of constant fighting and he wasn't ready just yet. If he kissed her right then that would be it. There would be no way to undo it, he would have to face the consequences and what if they didn't make it? What if he still wasn't ready to give her what she needed?
He would lose her and he simply couldn't take the risk. Not when everything was finally starting to feel right again.
But of course, the calmness he felt didn't last long. It never did. This time it was trying to get Mike into the bar, the only thing occupying his mind for weeks.
So when Donna waited for him at his office one night to tell him that she wanted more, it almost felt like she was grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him, trying to wake him and make him see that the window was closing. Windows weren't meant to stay open forever.
He watched as the tears she tried to hold at bay spilled over her lashes and rolled down her cheeks and she might as well have reached into his ribcage and pulled out his heart for the way the image of seeing her like this stung in his chest.
Their shoulders brushed as she walked past him and out of the office and he knew he needed to act fast but he couldn't move. Mike's hearing was set for the next day, emotions were running high all around. She was hurt and vulnerable and he couldn't take advantage and what would he even say?
What if we could be the more you're looking for?
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They were all at the office waiting to hear about the outcome of the hearing. Waiting to find out whether what they had spent months and months fighting for had all been in vain. Or whether maybe, just maybe, it had been worth it.
When Harvey received the call he put on his best poker face, nodding his head as he received the news. He hung up and turned to look at Mike, his expression still blank.
"You're in." His lips turned into a grin after the words had left his mouth.
The energy in the room switched within a moment's notice and the tension palpable mere seconds ago was replaced with unfathomable relief and happiness. Harvey looked at the scene unfolding in front of him; Rachel practically jumping into her fianceé's arms, the look of utter joy painting both of their faces and nothing else mattered in that moment except for the two of them.
Harvey turned around to where he knew Donna had been standing a minute ago and he watched as she pulled back from hugging Jessica. She turned towards him to say something and he looked at her and he just knew. He knew that there was never going to be the perfect moment; the perfect timing. There was always going to be another battle waiting for them just around the corner. But there was also going to be this. There was going to be exhilaration and unadulterated bliss and there was no one in the world he'd rather share it all with. No one but her.
And what the hell had he even been waiting for?
How many more of these moments was he going to let pass?
He watched as her lips moved, saying something that he couldn't make out even if he tried because all of a sudden his ears were ringing and everything around them was forgotten.
There was only Donna.
He watched as she moved towards him with every intention of walking past him to congratulate Mike and in that moment he just acted. He reached out for her, his hands grabbing her waist and pulling her towards him in one swift movement, his lips capturing hers in that same instant.
And then time stood still.
The kiss was forceful yet soft and gentle at the same time and he could feel her body tense up for a second or two before she slowly, cautiously began to move her lips in tune with his, kissing him back. Her arms, which she had dropped to her sides in surprise when he had taken hold of her, were now slowly moving upwards until her hands grasped at the collar of his jacket, her knuckles turning white from the sheer force with which she held onto him.
He held her body flush against his as her hands slid upwards to the back of his neck, pressing him against her and holding him in place. They successfully forgot everything and everyone around them until an unexpected voice appeared from what seemed like miles away, pulling them both out of each other's spell and back to reality.
"Jeez, you guys, if you wanted us to leave you alone you could have just said something, for God's sake." They could hear rather than see the shit-eating smirk that was plastered on Mike's face as he spoke.
A blush crept onto Donna's cheeks as she pulled away from Harvey, letting go of him and taking a small step back, looking at her friends.
"Shut up, Mike." Harvey's face was serious as he rolled his eyes at his friend.
Rachel was biting her lip in an attempt to hide the grin that had spread over her own face but she was failing miserably. The most she could do was prevent herself from squealing with joy and pulling her best friend into a hug. Surely, now was not the time.
"Okay, I think we've seen enough, let's give these two some privacy." Jessica gave everyone a warning look as she walked towards the glass door of the office, motioning for everyone else to do the same.
Donna and Harvey watched awkwardly as all of their friends walked out but not before giving them some knowing looks and encouraging smiles.
Donna rolled her eyes at them before taking a deep breath and turning back towards Harvey as soon as they had been left alone.
"So…" she began as she looked up at him, an edginess that was unusual for her noticeable in her voice and in every little movement she made. "What was that for?" She smiled nervously, biting her lip.
Harvey shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips as he stepped towards her again. "I've been wanting to do that for months." Maybe even years, was what he wanted to say.
"Oh, have you now?" She raised her eyebrows at him as he placed his hands on her waist once more.
"I have." He nodded as he looked down at her. "But there was always something holding me back. Always waiting for the right moment, the perfect timing but...tonight I realized there will never be such a thing as the perfect timing. There will always be another battle to fight, another case to win. It'll never stop."
"No, it won't," she breathed as her hands found their place on his chest again, his heartbeat palpable underneath her palms, pounding in time with her own.
"But tonight, when we were all together again, and we finally received some good news, I realized that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what whom or what we're fighting and it doesn't matter whether we win or lose. Not as long as I've got you by my side. And I don't just want you to fight alongside me, I want to be able to take you home when it's all said and done and just...be together. And I know you said you want more and I don't know exactly what that means but I want to figure it out with you, you know? I just want to be with you."
Donna swallowed hard at his words and she wanted to respond so badly but she wasn't sure whether she would even be able to find her voice. So, instead she tried to convey with her eyes what her lacking words were failing to do and before he could speak again she leaned up and pressed her lips to his.
His arms wrapped themselves around her and held her so tightly against him, she thought for a second her lungs might give out at any moment. The kiss was very much like the first they just shared a few minutes ago, only this time there was nobody stopping them but themselves and they had no intention of doing so.
His hands wandered all over her body; from her waist to her back and down over the swell of her butt to her thighs and she knew that if she didn't stop him soon they wouldn't even make it out of the office for their first time together in over a decade.
She pulled back before she risked losing all of her senses; before she could risk having her way with him right then and there on the desk behind them, no matter how many fantasies of hers they would fulfill by that.
"Take me home?" She whispered against his lips as their foreheads rested against each other.
"Nothing I'd rather do." He smiled before he placed another sweet, lingering kiss on her lips.
It took him a while to get there but he finally knew. There really was no such thing as bad timing and there never had been; not when it came to her.
.
The end.
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A/N: Thank you for reading! It's something a little bit different but I hope guys you liked it anyway! Would love to hear what you think. :)