Inner Demons
It had all seemed like everything was going to fall into place once Little Homeworld had its final touches being curated by all of the gems. Even after Spinell came by and put their future on hold, throwing everyone for a loop, the gems came together again and rebuilt bigger and better. They all helped each other, and with their individual talents, it made their growth astronomical with new things to do every single day. Steven was proud of everything they created, and sure, he had a large hand in bringing everyone together, but once they were all here they just figured everything out on their own. No one needed advice, a helping hand, or someone to rely on. Or at least not from Steven. It felt as though it all was coming together. Everyone has something to do, somewhere to go, someone to be. Steven was still on hold. And it isn't as though he hasn't tried. His bad habit of stepping in when it isn't needed was pushing him into a negative spiral that was getting harder to pull out of. He felt a heaviness in his chest as each day went on and the self-hatred, fear, and sadness was projecting out as pure anger or a shade of pink whenever he stuffed it down. I'm fine, he'll say to anyone who asks. I'm always here to help and I'm always here for you, he'll add, whenever you need me. He just wasn't used to being alone for so long. The isolation thoughts kept creeping in and the nightmares of his past kept him awake at night. Many nights jolting out of bed covered in sweat only to fall asleep in the shower after trying to cool down. He never understood how to put into words his own feelings to express. How do you tell someone about your anxieties or your depression without making them concerned, making it about them, or without them caring at all?
Most days are a distraction. Steven will pick up a new hobby, an old hobby and focus on that for a day before moving on. It had been a proper week since he last spoke to a person longer than a quick small-talk chat between saying bye to the crystal gems for their morning commutes and plans, or ordering something from Fish Stew pizza.
Steven, how are you doing? It's been a while! We're getting busier and busier by the day, but thanks to you we have all the help we need to keep running. We'll, speaking of running, I gotta jet, but it's always nice seeing you and talking to you.
And she takes off, not a single word said in return. He sighs and feels tears prickle in the corner of his eyes.
No! Stop that, he thinks, he wipes his eyes with his jacket and sits on the couch with his pizza. He tosses the pizza on the table and pulls out his phone. He scrolls through his contacts. Dad is on tour and is loving it. Shouldn't bother him right now. Connie? She's so busy with studying and pre-college prep courses he wouldn't dare be the reason she stops working so hard. Imagining her success brings a small smile to his face for just a moment. Then fades as he keeps scrolling. All of the gems are gathered together to visit another town to see what normal human lives are like outside of the slow pace of Beach City. It's a cultural experience that Steven was invited on, but he had to admit that he had barely left Beach City and didn't have much to offer on this trip, so again, he was left behind. All of the years he was fighting so hard for humanity it had felt as though no one was willing to fight for him. Steven is strong, mature, and independent. He's accomplished so much from such a young age. He's seen a lifetime worth of trauma and has a plethora of unique experiences. He could not fathom wanting to have such simplicity, but even as he's trying so hard to be a productive self-sufficient person it doesn't feel as though it's enough. It doesn't seem possible that for the past 6 years he had a mission, a goal, or something to strive for every day he woke up to not be needed enough to put on pants. The more and more he had all this time to reflect and think about all of these mundane comparisons from the past couple of years the worse he felt.
After a week of mulling around his empty house eating what he wanted, wearing what he wanted, doing whatever to take his mind off of what was troubling him he finally reached out to Connie. This was only due to the fact that she was getting tired of his short text replies and excuses for not wanting to video chat.
The second to last time he spoke with Connie was when they went to the roller rink together and he felt as though he humiliated himself in front of Connie's other friends. Connie reassured him that just because they all had different interests it doesn't mean they were judging him, or did it mean that she was starting to replace Steven in her life. She actually scoffed at the idea Steven could even think such horrible things. Connie always knew what to say, but if he kept reaching out to her, what if that clinginess was one of things that actually did push her away? Even after fusing with her and showing off their sick moves together, feeling complete again, Steven couldn't help but overpower Stevonnie's thoughts with his insecurities.
That night she had placed her hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes, leaned into the warm touch. She pressed her forehead against his and wrapped her arm around his torso.
"Steven Universe," she said softly, but firm, "there's no one in the world that could ever meet the qualifications to ever replace the spot I have for you in my heart. There's no one else like you, Steven, and I will never, ever take that for granted. You are indescribable and I won the state championship Adjective Wars six years running." Steven gives her a small smile, his eyes stay closed. "You are my best friend and my other half. I am my own person, but without you I am not Connie. I love you so much and I know you know this because you have felt the love I have for you with Stevonnie. Everything around us will continue to change, but the love we have for each other is constant. Do not forget that."
She kisses him, slowly and swift. The hand on his cheek goes to his curly hair and she closes the gap. They have kissed several times before, but this one feels different. The weight in his chest lifts and for the first time in weeks he feels heard. Steven slides his hands up her sides to her back. They pull away naturally and just embrace for a while, breathing each other in. His thoughts are spinning. After her speech, he trusts Connie and everything she has told him, but how long could any of this last. This is now. He has to do something back to know that he's not going anywhere as well.
During the last time he saw Connie he had planned a romantic venture. She was back at her place studying adamantly. Her pre-college course exam was coming up and her placement on her choice school was riding on this. She was only giving herself 15 minute intervals to stretch, talk on the phone, grab a snack, etc. That's all Steven needed in order to make not only an impression, but her day as well. He shows up at her place, on Lion, dressed up, smiling large. He calls for her and she is hesitant about leaving. He pushes, 15 minutes and she will be back. It's so hard to say no. She runs down her stairs and out the door. They both hop on Lion and warp to a nearby beach. A picnic is set up with the option between healthy brain food for Connie and some homemade jam and biscuits to share. Steven has had a lot of time on his hands. She giggles when she sees it and kisses him on the cheek before waltzing over to the blanket and sitting down. He pulls out his trusty ukulele, leans against a boulder in front of her, and strums. His song to her put his heart out on his sleeve and he hopes she understands why he feels as though it, them, is all necessary. Once the song is over he sees her eyes welling up with tears. He begins stuttering out how he knows there isn't a lot of time to do this and he has been thinking about doing this in so many different ways, but he feels as though there isn't anything to lose, so he proposes. Immediately, she shuts him down and starts listing off several reasons why this is not a good idea and that she cannot accept. Before she could even reach out to Steven, her phone goes off, and she looks panicked.
I'll stay.. We have to talk about this, she says.
No, you're right. You're always right. Please go and take Lion. Your studying is important. We can talk later. I understand, He replies.
She looks over at Lion then back at Steven and sighs. She leaves with a promise to continue talking about this when she has more time. Once she is gone, Steven falls into the sand and a large explosion shoots all of his picnic items 1000 yards in each direction. He allows himself to cry.
Connie comes over at the end of the week to have the conversation. Once he finally reached out he regretted it. Steven was eager to sweep it under the rug as a spur of the moment idea, or even play it off as a half joke as something he is willing to do, but only had Connie accepted. Again, he pushes it all down in order to be the best man he could be for anyone that needed him. It's no problem. He's the most go with the flow kind of guy. Don't ever worry about him because he has it all together. She was about to let it go and said that it just wasn't the time. They're way too young, and that it wasn't a hard no because had the circumstances been perfect there wouldn't have been a reason to say no. She sighs and shakes her head. Steven is sitting on the side of his bed, arms on his knees, looking at the floor.
"You're absolutely nuts sometimes, Steven, but I still love you with all of my heart." She grabs his chin and forces him to look at her. "What's going on in there?" She brushes some stray curly tendrils from his face and continues to eye him curiously. She doesn't have to be fused with him to know thoughts are taking over and he buries in his face into her stomach. "Steven, come on, talk to me. I'm practically begging you to open up. When have you ever felt like we're not in a safe zone? I'm always here for you."
"Except that you're not…" He replies softly.
"Huh? What do you mean? I'm here right now, right?" Her hands move to rest in his hair, scratching away at his scalp, he relaxes to the touch, and he bites his lip to prevent himself from making a noise. She feels the fabric on her stomach dampen and he shivers. "Steven, please…"
"I'm alone." He starts. "You have so much to do and focus on. Everyone has a job to do or somewhere to go, and I'm just sitting here. I'm not needed anymore and I feel completely useless. Every day I used to wake up with reason to keep on going. I have to save the world, I have to save the universe, I have to be the person to fight for what is right, but now? It's done. I did it. There's nothing else for me."
His voice starts breaking, and Connie stays silent just listening. She wants to really hear him out.
"I just don't know what to do with myself. And I'm... I'm so scared, Connie. I've never been more terrified in my life. I've faced so many things over the past few years, but nothing seems more scary than being forgotten." He sniffles and looks up at Connie, his eyes red and swollen. "And it's so silly because I know realistically no one is really pushing me away or has forgotten about me, but it seems everyone is moving on with their lives. I'm stuck in my past waiting for someone to be saved again. And in the end it's me pushing everyone else away because I don't want to be seen as someone who needs help. I've always been okay. Why would this be anything different? The last thing I want is to be a burden on anyone else. I've physically destroyed so many things. I can't let my emotions be another thing to add to that list."
Steven sucks in a shaky breath. "I am just filled with this rage and I'm both hiding it and taking it out on anyone who asks me about how I'm doing. I'm not doing good. I haven't been doing good for a long time and I feel less good now that I've put it out there. My body… It has been reacting so strangely. I've been put into endless life threatening situations and now it seems like it's just trying to defend itself from the smallest things like hurting my feelings." He chuckles a bit. "My feelings, yet again, are what's controlling my powers and I feel dangerous. Like any moment it will be the last time and my temper is too much to control. I feel like such a monster." Steven glows pink for a moment as the words come out of his mouth, then fades.
"It's just so much and… and I've tried for so long looking for the answers myself because in the end this all has to do something with me. This is something that only is affecting me and my actions and my emotions, but I haven't found a solution. So I've held this all back from everyone. Steven is always fine. He always adjusts. He can always be the person to fall back on. Who do I fall back on?"
He breaks away from looking at Connie. It isn't anyone's fault for not reaching out. Steven knows this and believes it. All he wanted was to just be heard and not make anyone feel guilty. There's no way anyone could have known all of this was going on besides his weird behavior. People have relied on a kid for so long that it becomes second nature. Why ask if he's okay when he probably has already figured it out? Connie takes a deep breath and nods her head as she processes all of this information.
"Steven, you're right… I don't know how to help you. I cannot give you the answers you're looking for nor can I explain why all of this pent up emotion is affecting you and your powers in such a way. I can't tell you how to change yourself in order to help with processing all of these new things we're all going through. There's so many things I am not capable of helping with and for that I am so, so sorry because feeling alone, forgotten, and isolated is possibly the worst kind of feeling to have. The anger you feel is secondary to the sadness and fear."
She takes a step back and crouches down, takes his hands in hers and smiles at him. "But, Steven, while all of this is going on and you're sitting here overthinking and internalizing and taking every single thing that doesn't have to do with you straight to the heart. You're giving yourself opinions from others that haven't even been said. I am busy all of the time lately. I have a lot going on in my own life and if I made you feel like you weren't deserving of my time I am sincerely apologetic. I am here for you now. I am and was reaching out to you. I need to know you're okay. I care about your days and what you're doing when you're not around, but I'm also getting stuff done. I'm working on myself and that's okay because I'm not moving on. I'm just moving forward. We can both do that together. We can both work on ourselves together and that isn't selfish."
"Steven, you were so busy taking care of everyone and feeling like you had to lift everyone else up that you never had a moment to decide what you were going to do to lift yourself up and continue succeeding. It was so unlikely that you would have had to save the world forever. Your short-term goals controlled your life to the point that once they were met there was nothing else to look forward to. You're capable of so many things outside of just being there for everyone and I see such a bright future for you, Steven Universe. I am so proud of you and I want to thank you for letting me in. I needed to know all of this."
Steven gives her a half smile and she leans up to kiss his forehead. "Now, do we want to work on ourselves together or do we want to wallow in self pity for a little while longer?" She adds half-joking.
He finally gives her a laugh, pulls her up onto his lap, holds her tightly and kisses her. She giggles and it vibrates against his lips. He feels safe here with Connie. She's the most wonderful human he has ever met and everything she does is so admirable. She's a hard worker, a determined focus, always strives to do good and be better, and has this intelligence that never puts anyone down. Connie is one-of-a-kind just like Steven and the fact that they found and chose each other makes Steven's heart ache in the best ways. Her strength and confidence in all of her actions gives Steven the mindset that he is fully capable to do anything his heart desires as long as you put in the effort. Connie makes him feel so extraordinary and never is afraid to speak her mind or have a conversation even when it seems like it's the hardest thing to do in the world.
"Connie, I love you…" It feels as though he's saying it again for the first time. He could laugh at that thought considering he just proposed. And they've said it before and all the off-handed love remarks were true, but this feels as real as ever. "I love you."
His heart pounds in his chest as those three words fall out of his mouth over and over again as he peppers her skin with kisses. He feels the goosebumps rise as she squirms a bit from all the tender touches. She laughs as he nuzzles into her neck and shifts her seat to have her legs on either side of him, arms behind his neck. Both of them breathing heavily, playfully nudging each other with their noses and just laughing. Steven's hands find their way to the hem of Connie's shirt where it has risen slightly exposing her midriff. His fingers rest on the top of her pants above the waistband. Connie pauses. When she makes eye contact her pupils have dilated. Her mouth is parted just barely and her lips puffy from the kisses. Steven looks back at her with all of the love in the world and for a moment it seemed as though they were glistening like a diamond. Steven says once more, "I love you."
There was never anyone else for her. From being her first friend, best friend, and now life long partner she never had any doubt that Steven would be there for her through thick and thin. She leans back again, lets her hands fall to the hem of his shirt and brushes against his soft skin as well. She hyper focuses on the stitching of his black shirt and the small wispy hairs peeking out from underneath. The pounding of her heart now throbbing in her ear and she gains her courage. This is Steven. She is safe. Her hands slide around his belly and up his back pulling his shirt over his head and placing it on the floor next to them. Steven turns pink, but his natural blush this time. It's never been like this before and she knows she is the one in control.
"Hey," she whispers to grab his attention. A small, nervous smile greets her. "I love you, too."
Part Two coming soon... Mature Content, more fluff.