Memories of times long since past
Warning: Suicide attempt!
Story songs: "Tracy Chapman - Telling Stories, "Eminem & Rihanna – Love the way you lie", "Lady Gaga – Always remember us this way" and "Adele – When we were young".
**Prologue*
Through half-closed eyes she watched him. Studied him.
Her tormentor.
Her torturer.
He was small, blonde, wore a black Imperial uniform and obviously he enjoyed every minute of her agony.
The pain was everywhere and her joints were covered with bruises for she had tried, time and again, to escape the dura steel handcuffs. The lights seemed brighter than it should and there was a strange ringing in her ears.
"Boost the pain-level once more, Ensign, but not too much. We don't want to kill her in the process, right?" He said in this typical mocking tone of his, taunting her.
The young women nodded and quietly carried out his orders.
"Once more, Miss Ferasi. Where is the location of the Rebel Base?"
Maris swallowed hard but remained silent.
"Think carefully now, Miss because level five is no walk in the park."
He smiled, while he looked down on her. He could probably see it now. Her fear, which was his aphrodisiac.
Yes, she was afraid. Because she was getting weaker and tired. How much more until her body would give in? Not much she guessed. She wasn't even sure if she could muster enough energy for another scream.
"I don't know." She said finally and prepared for the inevitable pain.
He mentioned to the woman to do her duty and Maris screamed, again, while her body reared up in pain.
"Where?"
"It's…." It was getting harder to talk. "…not going to happen. Torture me all you want."
She mumbled.
"Suit yourself." He turned around and walked over to the corner of the room, where he picked up an old-fashioned whip.
Suddenly the door opened.
"What is the meaning of this?"
No, it couldn't be.
With tremendous effort, she opened her eyes. And smiled. A dream. Caused by the drugs of the IT-O unit or just wishful thinking. She was probably already unconscious and her mind played tricks on her. Connecting the bits and pieces stored in her mind to make her believe she could survive this so that she would fight on. An interesting solution though.
She felt someone touch her face.
Was he saying something?
Ah… She had forgotten how handsome he was. She smiled. But he looked different too, older. Shouldn't he look the same if he were just a memory of times long since past?
Could it be?
Her hands were released from the cuffs. It hurt. Still, she reached out to him.
"Thrawn?"
Then everything went dark.
**1**
"How is Miss Ferasi?" The Chiss asked while looking out of his office's viewport, with his back towards him. He seemed tense and controlled at the same time, hands tightly clasped behind his back.
Carefully, Eli put the datapad down.
Miss Ferasi...yes, the Admiral had asked him to check on her. All of it had and still did, seem very odd.
"She seemed fine, Sir. Regarding the circumstances."
"Did she say anything?"
"She asked about the wellbeing of the kids."
The Grand Admiral turned around and eyed him. His glare as burning cold as it had ever been.
"What kids?"
Eli looked back at his chart. "I gather she talked about the two teenagers we captured. They were also on board the freighter."
"What did you tell her?" There was no urgency in his cultured voice if anything Eli might have called it polite, mild interested, but Thrawn was extremely adept at schooling his voice and expression.
"That I was in no position to talk about that, Sir."
The Chiss nodded.
"Good."
Silence filled the room.
"Then she asked to see you."
The Chiss clenched his yaw. It had been brief, but Eli had seen it.
"No." He heard then and with that, the Grand Admiral turned around again, staring into space once more.
"Tell her the usual."
"And what would that be, Sir?"
"That she is in no position to make demands and that I have more important things to do than to talk to Rebel prisoners."
Eli carefully traced the borders of his tablet with his fingers. He was never quite sure how far he could go with Thrawn. He was his superior officer, yes, but he was also his friend. At least from his perspective. They had known each other for long, years, and they had shared a room at the Academy and he, therefore, knew something was wrong. The Chiss had always been a hard man to read and the mask of command seemed to veil his inner thoughts and fears even more these days. Did he even fear? Eli wondered. He had never really seen him afraid. However, Maris Ferasi seemed to unnerve the Chiss. He had personally stopped her interrogation and had put two guards in front of her cell, limiting access to the fragile Rebel to himself and a hand-full of senior officers. As of yet, such a thing had never occurred on board the Chimera.
As his subordinate, he had no right to question the Grand Admiral's motives, but as a friend...
"Permission to speak freely, Sir?" Eli asked as he adjusted his uniform.
The Chiss' eyes narrowed.
"A good soldier does not ask questions, Commander Vanto."
Eli struggled to keep a blank expression. He hadn't expected that.
"Dismissed."
Eli knew he shouldn't do this, but he was worried. Yes, Thrawn had always been cold and untouchable, but not like this. Well, the Grand Admiral hadn't told him what not to do. The Chiss surely hadn't been a good role-model when it came to discipline. If anything, he had taught him how to work around, or outmanoeuvre, orders.
The stormtroopers stood straighter when they saw him approach and after entering his personal code, the door to the prison cell opened with the typical swishing sound.
"Commander Vanto." The woman, lying on the grey bench, said and slowly got up. Her lips were blue and she was clearly still exhausted.
"Do you need a blanket?" He asked without thinking. He didn't even know if Imperial protocol allowed prisoners to have blankets. Surely it had been in one of the many books on his reading list during the Academy, but Eli was a supply officer at heart, a paper pusher and even the career change Thrawn had bestowed upon him, suited him better than interrogation and prisoner treatment.
"Thank you, but I'll be fine."
Eli wasn't sure how he felt about that, but her next question saved him from further, troubling thoughts.
"Did you reach the Grand Admiral?"
"I'm sorry, madam, but he is a busy man."
Her smile faded and she sat down again. She looked rather small now, if not helpless, sitting on that bench in the large, monochromatic room. For a moment she looked silently at her hands and then back up at him.
"I am not naive, you know? Though he probably thinks I am. If he doesn't want to see me, fine. Just tell him that I neither wish, nor care, for his help and that I refuse to cooperate….that I want to share the fate of my friends." There was a tiny pause. "And that he's a coward to send you." She added then.
Eli studied the tiny figure in front of him. She must have been pretty once, with dark chestnut-color hair and those large, green eyes, but now she looked sad; her eyes tired and empty.
"I don't think the Admiral will care for being called a coward."
"Good."
There was something in the way she said it, her tone, her body-language, Eli couldn't quite put his finger on it, yet, somehow he knew that this was personal. He had had a feeling it might be, but now…
"You know the Grand Admiral, don't you?"
Maris sighed and then briefly covered her face with her hands, before resting them on her thighs.
"I did. Or I thought I did." She smiled sadly.
"You were close then?"
"Close?" Maris sighed and looked out of the viewport. "At the time I thought so. But the truth is I never really knew him. I only ever saw one part of him; the part I wished him to be. He's clever and quite charming. And a good liar on top of it. He gave me what I wanted. So no...I don't think we were ever really close."
To his surprise, her remark upset him, as it might just as well have described his relationship with the Chiss. Here he was, having spent years with Thrawn and he had never mentioned her once.
She hadn't said it, but it didn't take a genius to figure this one out. The Chiss had had women, but not like this one. He had checked out her file: School, then nothing. Two tickets for speeding and once she had been charged with smuggling in the Outer Rim. But nothing had come of it. She would never have come in contact with the Thrawn he knew, which only left him with one solution.
"You're the one that taught him Basic."
Maris eyed him for a moment.
"How did you figure that one out?"
This was dangerous. He shouldn't talk to her. There was no way to prove that anything she might tell him now, had any validity to it. She was charged for being a Rebel. He shouldn't even be here and Thrawn was his friend. Suddenly, he felt like a traitor. He should go.
"It doesn't matter. I just wanted to check on you."
"I met him during his time in the EDF." Maris said as she saw his conflict.
"The EDF?" Eli asked before he could stop himself.
"The Chiss Expansionary Defence Fleet. He never told you?"
The question hurt, but Eli could see some reason behind it. It might not be smart to tell the Empire about prosperous societies within the Unknown Regions. Still, he wasn't the Empire…
Maris got up and approached him.
"I've seen this before. You seem to be a good man, Commander Vanto. Thrawn knows that too. But let me tell you he doesn't deserve your loyalty."
"He disappointed you?"
"Yes. Me and everyone else he has ever come into contact with."
Maris lay on the hard bench and stared into the darkness.
Her friends, where were they? Still being interrogated? On an Imperial prison ship? Or already dead? Who would cry for a terrorist? And who would be foolish enough to speak out against Imperial `law and order´?
Maris turned around and coughed. Finally, she wasn't cold anymore. Actually, she was burning from the inside. Carefully she put a hand to her forehead. She was probably running a fever, but she didn't care. It was better to die here, then to go back, explaining how it could be that she was the only one who had managed to come out without a scratch. They would think her a spy. She could never return and that was probably what he wanted. Maris closed her eyes again. The Alliance was the only family she had and now she had lost that too. She had lost her real family when she had been young, she had lost Dubrak and Jorj because of Thrawn and then she had lost him too. For a while, she had been working on a space station, but then, she had started working for the Rebellion. At first, she had provided them with information, helping them to steal ships and spare parts and then she had begun to take on a more active role. Anyway, now she was too old and too tired to start anew. She had done her part. She should have died on that chair, for her believes. Fighting the Empire.
Why had he stayed? No, he had not just stayed, he had joined it. He had betrayed everything his people believed in and he had used her. Not for the first time she asked herself how much of their relationship had been real. How stupid she had been, how young. Looking back, it was laughable, really. She had honestly believed that he would leave it all behind - for her. Pathetic. He had left it all behind for the Empire. For large battleships and power, for that had always been his first and only love. And had she slowed down just a little, she would have realized that.
Eli Vanto chewed on this breakfast cereal when he read and reorganized the incoming reports for the Grand Admiral. It was a daily routine and he was good at arranging, even if sleep hadn't come easy last night. Then he froze. The prisoner Maris Ferasi had been transferred to sick bay. Apparently, the automatic medical service had fired an alarm last night. Eli tried to get more information but without avail.
He should have given her the blanket.
Actually, he felt a bit guilty now.
Should he contact Thrawn? He had said he did not want to talk to her and probably things were not life-threatening. Still, one never really knew after interrogations. These ITO drug-cocktails had a different effect on everyone.
He looked at his chrono. Well, he would check on her later on.
Six hours later, after his shift had ended, Eli entered sick bay.
"Commander Vanto, what can I do for you? I hope it's nothing serious." The doctor said instead of a normal welcome. Perhaps this behavior was common in his trade. Doctors were weird, most of the time.
"Oh, I'm fine. I'm here to see a prisoner, Maris Ferasi."
"Ah yes. She is down the hall. Second door on the left."
"What's her condition?
"Mild pneumonia. Nothing too serious. But keep your distance, it's a droplet infection."
Eli nodded.
"Thank you."
Datapad under his arm, Eli went down the hall and then pressed the enter button.
With the usual swish, it opened.
The picture he saw then, he was not prepared for. Blood. A lot of blood. A puddle of blood beneath the bed and in the midst of it a small vibro blade. There was blood on her arms, her hands, her fingers, dripping down onto the floor, blood on the sheets.
"Fuck!"
Eli rushed forward, nearly stumbled on the slippery floor and then forcefully grabbed both of her wrists, bringing them into an upward position.
"Help!" He yelled.
Was she still alive?
"I need help here!"
He should have told the Admiral about her transfer right away. Fool.
The doctor and two nurses suddenly appeared and pushed him out of the room.
Everything happened so quickly, he had barely time to register all of it.
Fuck.
He'd washed his hands, but hadn't bothered changing before making his way to the bridge.
As usual, Thrawn stood a little aside, with Commodore Faro, probably talking about the large Asteroid belt he could see through the enormous view-screens that surrounded them.
Imperial officers were often accused of having blood on their hands. But seeing them on a Star Destroyer bridge with their sleeves covered in it, surely, was not the norm.
"Commander Vanto?" The Chiss asked, eying his uniform jacket. "May I ask what caused the current state of your uniform?"
"The Rebel, Sir. She tried to commit suicide."
"Miss Ferasi?"
Finally the shell cracked a little.
"If there is another Rebel we a harboring at the moment, I am not aware of it, Sir."
For a moment Eli thought the Chiss would reprimand him for insubordination. But he didn't. Instead, he handed Faro the datapad he had been holding.
"The bridge is yours, Commodore."
Her eyes opened. Bright lights and blurry vision. There was a strange humming in her ears too.
"Maris?"
She turned her head to the familiar sound.
"Maris?" There it was again. Her name.
She opened her eyes once more and blinked. The vision became clear. Ah. She hadn't been wrong.
"What…" She coughed and then reached for a glass of water.
"What are you doing here?"
She asked in a broken voice.
"Returning a favour."
Ah, yes. She had visited him once in hospital. She had been so worried back then.
He leaned back into the large visitor's chair. He had changed little. Outwardly that was. At the same time, he felt like a complete stranger.
She was surprised he had come at all. She was a Rebel and an enemy of the Empire he had sworn to serve. Yet she was also the woman who had once saved his life.
"Is that also the reason you spared me? Returning a favour?"
He ignored the question.
"You look terrible. You should eat."
"I'm not hungry."
All of a sudden, tears were running down her cheeks. She didn't really know why. Damn it! She did not want to cry. She had tried to kill herself! And it hadn't worked. For a moment she didn't know what was worse. And she didn't want him here. He had never given a damn about her. With some quick gestures, she tried to dry her eyes.
"Please go."
He looked up at the infusion.
"The drugs are still in your system. I will stay until it's through."
"It was NOT the drugs!"
Damn it, she was crying again.
"ITOs use a combination of drugs which is highly individualized, with no concern of possible side effects, it is not uncommon to see atypical and destructive behaviour in some of the sub…"
"It was not the drugs! It was me, ok? MY choice. You only have to look at some stupid sculpture to know everything about the artist, so, please, don't pretend to not know me!"
She was shaking. Her outburst had cost her more energy than she could afford.
"I know you well enough to know that you do not deserve to die."
Maris laughed quietly.
"And now you are the one who decides who lives and who dies?"
"Maris…"
"I hate the Empire and hope it goes up in flames."
"Hating the Empire is hardly a crime."
"Then, where are my friends?"
He sighed.
"Your choice of friends always left a lot to be desired. First Dubrak and now…These people use your good nature against you and..."
"Who are you to criticize my friends?!" She interrupted him. "In case you don't know, you do not have the moral high ground here."
He answered her with silence, which she took as confirmation. But when he spoke again, it cut like a knife.
"I know I caused you pain. I had hoped you would overcome it in time and start something good, with someone more deserving. I am sorry to see that was not the case, but you have many talents and a whole life in front of you." He got up then, looking down on her, lying in that tiny hospital bed.
"I will not let you die."
The shuttle was rattling as it descended downwards through the thick atmosphere of the greenish planet and Eli couldn't help but recheck the translucent anti-gravity body carrier.
Good, nothing had happened. She was still asleep, as she should be, considering the drugs she was on.
For the third time, he re-read the instructions like they would give him anymore inside into the Chiss' mind.
But what had he expected? That he would suddenly sit down with him, offer him a glass of red wine, and then open up his heart? Telling him the sad story of his love-life? Hoth would melt before that would happen. Sometimes, it was hard to be his "friend".
On the other hand, wasn't it all in front of him?
He had given her a new identity, a new life. And he had planned it all out for her: the planet, the hospital, the treatment, the city, the flat, the job. A good life. Peaceful. With children. Eli smiled. The Rebel turned kindergarten teacher.
"She is a good person." The Grand Admiral had said when he had handed him the documents.
For a moment all of it had seemed surreal, as Thrawn had never used his rank like this before.
Eli looked at the woman's profile again.
No. He didn't need that talk.
He had loved her. Perhaps a part of him still did.
And that in itself was comforting.
The End