"Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail."
- A Christmas Carol
"HA HA HA HA HA."
- Final Fantasy X
Paine and Rikku were devoured faster than Princess Tiana on a Cautious Hero buffet. Two-thirds of YRP's total value in calories were eaten by the colossal snake creature before the true horror even began, reducing the team to simply the letter Y.
Lescana licked the ends of Rikku's scarf off her lips and downed the Thief in one big gulp. The pathetic Gull Wing would have been better off substituting her tanning lotion with hot sauce and calling herself a Buffalo Wing considering the way her life ended. The team of spunky adventurers had started their day exploring a nameless abandoned temple hoping to dredge up some old treasure. One poorly plotted out battle later, all they dredged up was Lescana's appetite for mortal flesh.
The floating serpent monster was comprised of only a giant mouth, a nose, a pair of massive yellow eyes, and dozens of long skeletal snake tentacles for hair. After she claimed her second victim with her devastating Bimbo Brunch attack (or Coochie Crunch in more aggressive localization markets), her snake eyes gleamed toward the tiny Songstress still wiggling at the end of one of her hair strands.
Yuna froze in fear as her eyes met the monster's colossal gaze. The cold-blooded reptile wrapping around her waist squeezed her tighter. Her Songstress Dressphere was unbecoming the battle gear of a militarized dance-mage and becoming more like the ceremonial raiment for a sacrificial offering.
Lescana's eyes narrowed as she cast a field of Inspection around her only remaining enemy. Yuna's body was laid out in Lescana's extrasensory vision in a pattern of curvy runic barcodes with blur markers covering her more intimate details. It only took a quick glimpse for Lescana to realize this was not just a simple adventurer like the other two carbohydrate pixies she'd devoured. Yuna's frilly blouse laces failed to hide her ample chest and her powerful aura as a retired ex-Summoner.
Yuna's meat would have to be prepared into something more tasty. Lescana finished absorbing the magically digested juices of the Songstress's former companions and coated her fangs in vibrant yellow and purple venom.
Two more snake strands lunged out toward Yuna. One snapped its smaller fangs into her shoulder. The other brushed around her waist and bit into a soft corner of her backside. Before she could even say "Ouchies," her body went limp. The toxins bubbling through her bloodstream quickly spelled nighty-night for her consciousness. She dreamed she was skinny dipping in warm saltwater with the sun blazing down on her. Then the sun turned into a black eclipse.
Lescana stretched her jaw and swallowed the prey whole. She meditated rather than manducated, tilting her face downward as she concentrated all of her evil power into the void in the back of her mouth. So began Lescana's even more terrible skill: Reincarnation Refection.
The floating Gorgon head grimaced as if she were suffering from a migraine. The snake tentacles covering her forehead quivered and wound into the shape of a nest. The shadowy outline of a voluptuous sculpted maiden uncurled out of the bowl.
She was slimy and naked for her first couple seconds of existence. Pieces of shredded snake skin darkened and solidified around her hips and her bust, forming a bikini set that just barely covered her attractive physique. Her hair was pale gray and grew longer than the rest of body. It spread out in narrow white strands almost like a miniature version of the snake giant's hair.
This new being standing on Lescana's forehead was the twisted fusion of everything that had come before her. Part Lescana. Part Yuna. And part of Lenne was probably in there just for good measure. All the ingredients were mixed together to create a mysterious being of satin and skin. The doom prophetess known as Yunalesca was born.
Shaking her head and stretching her legs over her giant Gorgon mount, she started speaking odd words.
"Well that was interesting. What should I do next?" Yunalesca asked herself.
"I think I should go back in time and kick my butt," Yunalesca said back to herself.
"Hasn't my butt taken enough punishment already? Those fangs still sting," Yunalesca said to herself.
"It'll be fine. I keep that butt in tip-top shape. I'll just whack it around a little while to teach me to get over my goodie two-shoes heroine shtick," Yunalesca said back to herself.
"Good idea! Where's the closest time portal?" Yunalesca asked herself with a smile.
Author's note: I was going to post this delicious snack like two weeks ago but then I got stuck playing Doom 64. It was originally going to be called "Love Me Like You Do" before I reevaluated my priorities during the two weeks I was killing 2D sprite demons with a shotgun.
Author's other note: My favorite director who still makes relevant stuff is Guillermo del Toro, but my favorite director of all time is John Carpenter.