A/N: I was scrolling through notes on my phone and laughed because I came across an outline from nearly THREE years ago. I guess I didn't know where to go with it at the time? So I wrote it out the rest of the way, touched it up a bit, dumped in puns and jokes where indicated, and then decided to post it. I figured sharing some humor would be nice.
Tags from ao3: too many resets, sans needs a rest, sans needs peace and quiet, TLC, and puns, Many Puns, papyrus despairs, Present Tense, i think, sans will throw down if you don't leave him alone already, Bad Puns, going with the canon characters, Bad Jokes, Breaking the Fourth Wall
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There is a stillness in the air.
You enter a dark room. There is nowhere to look but at a couch that is lit by a very dim light.
Someone is on that couch.
Sans.
You move closer. You see glowing white dots track each step you make.
That wide smile is dim.
Sans looks unhappy to see you here.
"didn't get the memo, did ya?" Sans asks as he reclines on the couch. His feet kick up against the back of the couch. "Or maybe, you just don't care anymore."
This looks like an uncomfortable position yet you say nothing. There is nothing to say that Sans is not already aware of.
"bet it sure is frustrating, returning to the same empty place, over and over, since i created this neutral space. here, you are powerless." Sans does not get up off the couch. He even 'closes' his eye sockets. It is clear that Sans does not see you as a threat in this place.
It bothers you.
"might as well leave." Sans idly waves a hand, before he rests it across his middle. "everyone wants me to get in some tlc here, since no one can be hurt in this space. but they don't fully get why no one can be hurt. you understand, though, don't you?" Sans' skull reflects 'opening' his eyes as he looks straight at you. "i'm waiting for a friend. not a fake that wears their face."
Your weapon is in hand, ready for a fight. Yet you find yourself unable to move. You are held in place by Sans, his hand back up in the air, as his left eye glows.
"welp, that's it then." Sans lets out a sigh, his eyes going blank apart from the glow. "don't say i didn't warn ya...again." Sans makes an indifferent shrug. He almost slides backward off the arm of the couch. "i told ya before, just like last time...no one will die in this space i've created." Sans' hand makes a 'down' gesture, and slams you to the ground. Despite this action, Sans looks resigned. Sans gestures with his hand again, and many skeletal heads appear in the air all around. "no one will die but you, that is, 'cause i'm here to stop you."
You consider your options and make a decision.
*Fight Act Item Mercy
Nothing happens.
Sans moves his hand around in practiced motions, as if he has done this many times before. Sans has yet to get up from the couch where he sprawls. It is unlikely that he will.
Bones appear all around you. From above, and below.
There is no escape.
The skeletal heads all focus in on you as their maws gape open. Beams of light fire out as bones tear up the ground and crash down from above.
Right where you stand.
The dust settles.
Nothing remains.
"SANS?" Papyrus pokes his head out of the door. "IS FRISK HERE?"
"no." Sans says, as he dangles off the couch. "false alarm."
"OH." Papyrus looks crestfallen. "I WILL HAVE TO MAKE MY SPECIAL SPAGHETTI RECIPE I CONCOCTED WITH UNDYNE ANOTHER TIME."
Sans hears the door close. He turns over and gets off the couch as he goes to sit down on a step.
He waits.
You will return.
You do not give up easily.
...
...
...
You can go back over and over to the same neutral space, but the result is the same as before. Over and over the pain comes and goes, until everything is still.
An untold time passes until a new decision is made.
*Reset
Continue
...
...
...
Frisk hears a soft chirping, and feels the heat of the sun as it shines down on then. A neutral space suddenly appears around them, but it is quiet, apart from the sounds of nature. Frisk approaches the door of the house closest to them, but hesitates.
Is anyone home?
Frisk sees quite a lot of buildings in this quiet space. More than before. But that is a silly thought, since they have never been here before.
And yet it is...
Nostalgic.
Frisk starts to step away from the door, just as it cracks open.
"human...aren't you gonna turn around and greet an old pal?"
This voice...it is familiar to you.
Frisk slowly turns.
It's Sans.
He looks happy. Relaxed, almost, if his posture and wide grin is any indication.
But Frisk feels there is more to it, even if they realize there will be no forthcoming answer to any of their questions. Maybe Frisk don't need to ask anything. They feel they may already know the answers, somewhere deep inside.
"well...house it going?" Sans' hand is held out. "you aren't getting cold feet, are ya? 'cause as heart-warming as this all is, we'll both be chilled to the bones if we stand out here for much longer."
Frisk take Sans' hand.
A loud fart rings out in the silence.
"betcha didn't expect the whoopie cushion again." Sans lets go of your hand. "but ya gotta admit, it is a classic." Sans steps to one side and flicks a hand at the door.
It opens.
"did ya see that? wasn't that a nice jester?" Sans seems pleased with himself. "you kept us waiting for so long. hope you're ready for what comes next. i think my bro is making a new spaghetti recipe today." Sans' smile becomes mischievous. "you better be prepared for my pun-ny words, kid. i saved a bunch on porpoise, just for you."
Frisk steps through the open door, into the house. Everyone is there. All the friends they made along their journey. Everyone is happy to see them.
Sans closes the door. He remains outside of the house as happy chatter begins within.
The atmosphere grows heavy. A tense feeling hovers over the other side of this screen.
"you over there. yeah, i'm talkin' to you. if you come back here?" Sans waves a hand around, indicating the neutral space. "try to kill those of us resting...taking a break from the constant resets?" Sans replaces his hand in his jacket pocket as he looks directly at the screen. "you come back and do that...ya know what happens then? heh, sure you do." Sans' right eye flares brightly as his smile widens. "it's happened before, yeah?"
There is a beat of silence.
"don't try to take our happy ending away again, just to satisfy your own curiosity." Sans gives a dismissive shrug. "if you try to...well...you'll find that you're always gonna have a bad time." Sans turns away as a hand raises in a lazy wave. "capiche?"
Your screen flickers. It is blank for a short time.
Reset
*Continue.
You appear in front of the house again, yet no one is there. You feel a chill go down your spine.
"ya ever heard of the phrase 'give up' or 'quit'?" Sans asks. He stands directly behind you. "because I was bein' serious about leaving us all alone."
There is a sudden sharp pain.
You have been skewered by bones that have been summoned up. Your vision blurs as you vaguely hear Sans overhead.
"told ya, didn't I? that you'd have a bad time if you came back? how about we leave it at this? let Frisk have their rest too. we're not your pawns to play around with, and i'm tired of bein' the bad guy, keeping ya at bay."
You vanish from the neutral space.
"welp...that was quick." Sans stands there all alone. He turns to the screen. "heh, guess i was a little...mercy-less there, huh?" Sans produced something from his pocket. "no go on that one, huh? well, here's one for the road: what do you call a skeleton with a bottle of ketchup?"
Silence fills the empty space for a beat.
"hell if I know." Sans laughs, as he opens the door to the house and squirts ketchup all over Papyrus' outfit. Sans calls out to Undyne. "officer! a terrible crime has been committed. a famish-able crime, one that is such a waste of produce-tion."
Undyne picks up her weapon.
"SANS!" Papyrus intervenes as he attempts to clean his outfit.
He fails.
"you got a bone to pick with me?" Sans says with a smile. "but weren't ya gonna work on your new puzzle? i don't want any crosswords from you if I interrupt."
"SANS! STOP!" Papyrus groans.
"do you want me to walk straight pasta you?" Sans continues on.
"SANS..." Papyrus lets out a sigh.
"what do you call a dead tomato in spaghetti?" Sans asks with a big grin.
"...WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?" Papyrus sighs again.
"sauce-ted." Sans waits.
There is quiet as Papyrus takes this in. Then, it hits him. Papyrus wears an expression between laughter and irritation.
"you're right, that one was a bit of a stretch." Sans laughs and teleports out of the house, as one does. He does not get far as Papyrus launches himself out a window.
"heya, bro." Sans allows himself to be put in a noogie. "you know bad puns are...how eye-roll."
"I..." Papyrus' grip slackens over the terrible puns his brother spouts. His grip then tightens. "I AM GLAD YOU ARE DOING BETTER."
"am I that obvious?" Sans wears a rueful grin as Papyrus carries him back to the house. "i must be losing my touch. you could say it is almost...un-pear-able."
"...PERHAPS YOU WILL TAKE THE PUZZLES I HAVE BEEN ASKING YOU ABOUT MORE SERIOUSLY NOW?" Papyrus ignores that last pun.
"nah. i'm sirius-ly tired. maybe another time." Sans remains beneath one of his brother's arms. He is fine with being carried about.
"YOU ARE A TERRIBLE LIAR, BROTHER." Papyrus lets up on the noogie. "YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME."
"nah, bro. i really do just need to take a very long nap." Sans can easily escape his brother's hold but he isn't going to.
"IF YOU SAY SO." Papyrus is suspicious.
"..." Sans says nothing. He knows he cannot keep everyone in the dark forever. Especially not Papyrus. But the mood as they enter the house makes it easy to be distracted.
Papyrus is easily excited.
Sans closes his eyes briefly, as he lets himself be brought to the living room. Everyone in the house is happy. Frisk is back, and it seems that there is no one left for Sans to fight.
Finally.
"I, THE GREAY PAPYRUS, DECLARE THIS SPAGHETTI MY BEST EVER. NYEHEHEHEH! PUZZLES WILL BE PROVIDED AFTER THE MEAL FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!" Papyrus announces once he has everyone's attention.
Sans allows Papyrus to keep him under his arm as the others eat. Soon, this hold becomes a hug as Papyrus keeps an arm firmly around his brother's middle.
It seems as if Papyrus worries that Sans will teleport away again.
Sans relaxes as he listens to the calm chatter. He isn't going anywhere, but Sans guesses that, with how Papyrus holds him, from the way the others eye him...
Sans feels he will soon be...
"hey, bro?" Sans is unable to conceal a great big grin.
"YES, BROTHER?" Papyrus turns his head down.
"am i...under a-rest?" Sans laughs as he is roughly noogied. He struggles before he goes limp and silent.
Papyrus is horrified.
"OH NO! SANS! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I DID NOT HURT YOU, DID I?" Papyrus lays Sans out on the couch. He leans in close at the sound of Sans' attempts to speak. "I AM HERE, SANS. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!" Papyrus worries as he picks Sans up again and holds him. "CAN YOU SPEAK?"
"I guess...you can say..." Sans eye sockets reflect restrained glee. "I am waist-ed."
"AT LEAST YOU ARE FINE." Papyrus narrows his eye sockets at his brother before he groans in despair. He lets go of Sans. "AND NOT INJURED, EVEN IF THE DELIVERY OF THAT LAST PUN WAS TERRIBLE."
"i do got a skele-ton of them." Sans comments as he stretches out on the couch.
"NYEHARGGGGHHHHH." Papyrus buries his skull in both hands. "WHY? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? MUST YOU BURY ME UNDER AN AVALANCHE OF PUNS?" Papyrus presses his hands against his skull hard after he realizes what he just said. "OH NO!"
"good one, bro." Sans says. "but i guess it gives you a sinking feeling, like a facet that drains, huh?"
Papyrus drops his hands and stares down at Sans.
"got'em." Sans finger-guns toward the computer screen with a cheeky grin as he teleports out.
"SANS!"
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A/N: I guess this one shot is for when you just wanna read something without romance that has bad puns and jokes, not too much angst, a little fighting, and a good dose of fourth wall breaking.
For whatever reason, I ended up writing this one-shot in a different tense than I normally use. I may eventually go back and change it to past tense, but I kind of like how it turned out, even if there are probably some mistakes here and there with consistency, tense-wise.