Chapter 1: Faith Hilling
Stan is crawling outside Café Monet, several boys standing around, one filming with his phone. "Yeah, that's good. Now go back the other way." he instructs.
Stan continues to crawl around until-"Dude, what's going on?" he looks up to meet the furious glares of Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny.
Startled, he jumps up, hurriedly pulling on his pants "Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?" he pants, as casually as possible.
"We thought you were meeting us at Cartman's. What are you doing here, Taylor Swifting?" Kyle confronts, pointing him up and down.
"He's not Taylor Swifting, that's old stuff." another boy interjects.
"Yeah, now you're doing it to see how many times you can say Oh Long Johnson. I thought just, you know, try it out." Stan says innocently.
The boys deadpan.
"Guys, remember when we heard about that pollack with one testicle in the revolutionary war? What was his name?" asks Cartman.
"Benedict Arnold!" Kyle spits as the other three boys walk away.
"Oh, come on. You guys need to realize that Faith Hilling is over, okay?" Stan says. The boys stop at this, turning back around to face Stan.
" You can pretend all you want, but it's not coming back." Kenny looks down.
"Kenny?" Kyle raises his eyebrows.
Kenny approaches Stan and the other boys. "I'm sorry guys. Faith Hilling is just a stupid fad, right?"
"If you guys wanna keep Faith Hilling, I'm sure people are still doing it at the old folks home." A boy laughs as he and his friends walk away.
Stan continues, "You will like this, Kenny. Pull down your pants." Kenny pulls down his pants and starts crawling on his butt, following Stan and the others away.
"You guys are sellouts!" Kyle shouts, lunging towards them. Cartman reflexively took him in his arms, holding him back, "You're freaking sellouts!" Kyle continued, raging against the larger boy's hold. Cartman grabbed Kyle's shoulders and began to lead him away, whipping his head around to shoot a final disgusted look at Stan and Kenny. "Come on, Kyle."
Normally Kyle would hit him with a good old, 'don't touch me, fatass!' for a move like this, but he was far too frustrated to even notice, keeping his eyes straight in front of him, seething. It was bad enough he had been betrayed, but now all he had left was Cartman? At least Faith Hilling was worth it.
Cartman watched Kyle from his peripheral. He loved when his little jew got all worked up like this and regretted it wasn't him that made him this way, for once. The sternness in his face, the furrowing of his brows, the redness in his cheeks challenging that of the beautiful auburn curls escaping from underneath his hat, it was almost too much for Carman to take. Could this be it? The opportunity to finally claim him for good? He licked his lips at the thought.
Moments later, Kyle found himself seated in a booth across from Cartman at Mcdonald's, fries being shoved in front of his face.
"C'mon jew, eat, it'll make ya feel better."
He frowned; whenever he and Cartman got along it turned out badly, from when Kenny almost died to the "ass burgers" incident-yet here he was, again, without the slightest clue why other than him being physically led...but at this point, he figured he deserved whatever was gonna end up happening. "You would eat your feelings."
"You wouldn't? No wonder you're the smallest kid in south park..."
"Am not! Kenny's shorter than me."
"Yeah, did I say shortest? I said smallest, most petite." he teased, poking him in the ribs.
Wincing, Kyle swatted his hand away. "Shut up fatass! Speaking of which, since when do you share your food, or even give the slightest fuck about me, for that matter?!" he interrogated, raising an eyebrow.
Cartman shrugs "I just wanna see if it's scientifically possible for a jew to consume potatoes in non-latke form," he says with typical fake innocence.
"Oh suck my balls" he groaned, returning his head to his arms, burrowing his face in the table.
"Gladly" Cartman muttered seductively.
Kyle looked up and immediately regretted it given the expression on Cartman's face.
"Hahaha, Kahl, I'd rather die than put anything that kosher in my mouth, you're not that cute jewboy….ouch! Ay!" Kyle began kicking at his shins.
"Ok, ok, ok fine Kahl, I'll blow you, ok, oh my god, don't kill me over it jesus...ow! My nutz!"
God, Kyle swore, over the years his routine vexing had become more and more sexualized, Kyle wondered at what point it was considered flirting, just like from an objective standpoint…..and then wanted to shoot himself for wondering that.
After more banter, the boys walked back to Cartman's house for videogames and faith hill strategizing, which ended up going far into the night. Between the surprising time spent actually having fun and the expected time spent fighting, it was 3 am when the boys finally tired themselves out.
Kyle woke up the next day on Cartman's couch, to a sharp blowing in his ear. He felt tingles being sent down his spine and jolted up. "What? What are you doing? where- am I?"
"Relax Kike" Cartman huffed, earning a look of rage. "God you make it too easy to push your buttons " he continued, walking two fingers up each button on Kyle's coat accordingly, staying kneeled next to the couch. Kyle flinched at this, more tingles, he was completely off guard. Pushing him away, he tried to hide his reddening face as he rubbed his eyes open. "Don't fucking touch me!"
Cartman smirked, he had other plans.
"Hey, I'm just trying to wake you the fuck up so we can go Faith Hilling!" All present annoyance with Cartman was temporarily lifted at the thought. "Faith Hilling! Where?" he beamed.
"Planned Parenthood, Kahl" Cartman sang.
This whole not fighting with Cartman thing always turned out badly, but he was being pretty fucking brilliant right now.
"I got it all planned out" he continued. "We'll take a bus over there-"
And next thing Kyle knows, he's recording Cartman in front of a planned parenthood clinic. "Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Bring the left titty out some more." Cartman raises his left hand a bit.
"Yeah, yeah freeze there!" Just then, a man walks by them with his little son.
"What are those boys doing, daddy?" the boy asks.
"Oh, I think they're Faith Hilling, Bobby. It's a little before your time."
"How droll." he says, as they continue walking away. Cartman and Kyle look down for a moment but get back to it.
"Get a couple facing the other way, brah." Cartman said, turning.
"Yeah, good idea." Kyle takes more as a doctor comes out of the clinic.
"Hey, you kids Faith Hilling in front of my clinic? 'Cause I got a couple of patients in here that could use a good time machine." the doctor giggles. "Get it?"
The boys stare when they are startled by the sound of a car horn, followed by a piercing "Go back to the 90s! Faggooots!" At this Kyle reluctantly lowers his phone, and approaches Cartman.
"We have to face it, Cartman."
Cartman lowers his hands. "I know. I know Kyle." joining next to Kyle, whose now he seated on the curb.
"I really thought it was gonna last." He said looking down, face cradled in hands.
"I guess the only thing that doesn't change in life... is that things change." Tears begin to trickle down his chubby cheeks. "The sun hurts my eyes." He says, wiping them away. Was Cartman really crying? Kyle thought. I mean, he had seen him shed countless fake tears before but was it possible he was capable of legitimate human emotion.
He sighed, continuing. "It wasn't like Faith Hilling was that great. I mean-"
Cartman was quick to agree. "No, no. It was kind of stupid, really."
He nodded, still looking down "I-It's good that it became something else."
"And we'll have a blast doing the new stuff."
The boys sigh in unison.
"So...what happens now?" Cartman finally broke the comfortable silence they'd been hiding in for some time now.
Kyle snapped from his daze. "What?"
"I mean, we could go back to my place or-"
"Yeah uh, sure" Kyle hesitated. It was only a matter of time before he regretted this, but figured he might as well enjoy the little of it he had left.
He couldn't place what this was of course, but he didn't care right now, he knew he was much more down about losing this Faith Hilling thing then he let on, and felt the exhaustion of staying up til 3 the night before and sleeping on a couch set in as they boarded the bus home. This is perhaps what led to him falling asleep on Cartman's shoulder, and therefore, waking up appalled when they arrived a few hours later. "What..the..fuck?!" he started, rubbing his eyes awake.
"hey kahl you're the one doing it and I'm the one not complaining"
"Fag" Kyle murmured before getting up from his seat. Cartman followed closely behind as they made their way off the bus and back to his house.
You have no idea jew, he thought to himself, chuckling.