Hello, Di here. So I haven't written a fic in a couple years, so I hope this is up to snuff. This recent season of Walking Dead left much to be desired when it comes to Carol's characterization and it destroyed her relationship with Daryl, which is unforgivable to me. I just wanted to continue Carol's story in my way, in a way I felt fit the show and her character. Maybe I'm wrong with it, oh well, its my opinion. I have not seen the most recent episode, by the way, so this is probably already AU.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Walking Dead, or any of its characters therein. I use some direct quotes from the show in this as flashbacks and will put a ~ around those to point out when the dialogue in a section is taken directly from the show and not my writing. I do not own the title. Half-Truism is the name of a song by The Offspring. I listened to it several times while writing this. You should honestly listen to it, I feel like the lyrics kinda fit Carol in recent seasons, and its a good song, imo.
For reference, Italics mean a flashback. There are several in this. hope the style I'm trying gets across. When something is in single apostrophes, like this: 'Text text' it means it is a thought. "text text" of course means dialogue. I mark line breaks as LINELINELINE
Please review, I haven't written regularly in so long, I could use some feedback.
LINELINE
Half-Truism
They could have taken Alpha's head to Alexandria. They should have, if Carol was being honest with herself. But instead she had found herself leading Negan out to the markers and impaling her walker head onto one of the sharpened stakes there. She had chosen one in the middle, finding it somehow grotesque to put this monster's head where her child's had been. She had stood there for a few minutes, Negan quietly standing beside her. As she stared up at Alpha's milky eyes, she found herself waiting for the feeling of satisfaction that she had been longing for, and found that the feeling didn't come. She just felt cold, the same empty coldness she has felt in her heart since seeing Henry's walker head up there on those stakes. Only, up until this moment, there had also been a fire of anger and hatred roaring inside her, keeping at least some of the cold at bay.
As she watched Alpha's lifeless mouth opening and shutting over and over, she felt that anger and hatred melt away, and in their absence she just felt an endless cold void. And it fucking *hurt*. How could you feel numb and empty and still feel so much pain at the same time? Finally, she turned away from the markers, looking at Negan for a moment as if surprised he was still there, so unused to quiet from the man.
"Come on, let's go tell the others it's over." Carol said softly, starting the walk back to Alexandria.
Negan snorted, shaking his head as he kept pace with her. "I hate to shit on your sundae, silver fox, but I seriously doubt that. Beta is one loyal and ruthless motherfucker, and I fully expect him to raise some hell when he sees his beloved leader's head up on that spike there."
Carol looked over at him and looked back at their path ahead, not responding but Negan could tell that Carol understood what he'd said. As the pair walked off, a dark shadow left the edge of the woods where he'd been lurking, watching them go for a few minutes before he began his walk up to the stakes, dark eyes burning with rage.
LINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE
Carol sat up on the roof of the house she was staying at in Alexandria, absently watching the smoke trail up from the end of her cigarette. The hand rolled cancerstick was not as satisfying as the store bought smokes used to be, but it was the only option left and it brought her some small relief to her ever-present anxiety. She watched the people in the town run around, no one noticing her. Or ignoring her, if they did.
Her actions had not been met with much gratitude, to her surprise. Negan was back in his cell, despite his ranting about the sacrifices he had made for them, and she'd had some angry words thrown at her about putting people in danger and being reckless. It was like Alpha's death didn't even matter.
She sighed. Daryl's words had hurt the worst.
He'd stayed silent while the others had yelled at her and, desperate for someone to understand why she'd done what she had done, she had turned to him and whispered, "Daryl?"
His eyes had been so angry and hurt when he finally looked at her. "What does it matter what I think? You sure as hell didn't care before. Didn't ask my input for any of your plans. Didn't think maybe I could help with something? You ain't gonna listen to me anyways. You got what you wanted: Alpha is dead. Isn't that all that matters to you?" And then he'd walked away from her and he hadn't spoken to her since.
She took another long drag on her cigarette, ignoring how it was burning down close to where her fingers held it. She knew Negan was right, that Beta was likely gearing up the remainder of the Whisperers to finish this war. She knew that they would probably let Negan out to help fight, that she'd be out there fighting, and maybe afterwards they could find some sort of acceptance into the group again.
She winced slightly as the cherry on her cigarette got too close to her skin and burned her. Instead of following her impulse to drop it, she shifted her fingers back only slightly and put it up to her lips again, willing herself to hold her hand still as she took a long hit and felt the sharp sting of the ember scorching her fingers as the paper burned away and exposed her skin fully to the heat. She focused into the pain, letting it burn away some of the freezing numbness in her chest, before finally letting the cigarette go and watching the orange lit butt roll off the roof and onto the grass below. She pulled her burnt fingers up to her mouth, sucking them absently to relieve some of the remaining pain.
As she stared out into the houses and lawns of Alexandria, she saw a small dark shape flitting from house to house before heading towards the hidden exit to the walls, the same hidden way that Negan had left through. She stood suddenly, recognizing the shape as Lydia. She knew instantly that she had to stop the child because if not Beta would likely catch her before she was able to make it back. She climbed back into the window and grabbed her weapons before heading out. She thought briefly about going to tell Daryl about Lydia, to have help tracking her, but she couldn't bring herself to face more blame and anger from the man she'd once known as her best friend. Besides, she knew where Lydia was headed.
It didn't take too long for Carol to catch up to Lydia. Lydia looked back at her but didn't say a word as she continued on her path.
"She's not going to be there. They would have taken her down by now." Carol called to her, but Lydia ignored her. Carol huffed in frustration but did not stop her, instead falling into step directly behind the teen.
They reached their destination and Carol felt the familiar kick of pain as she stared up at the stake, standing behind Lydia who was also starring at the empty ends. Carol placed a soft hand on the child's shoulder, surprised that Lydia allowed it to stay.
"I told you she wouldn't still be here. Come on, it's not safe to be out here with Beta on the rampage. We should get back."
Lydia didn't budge, eyes staring at the pointed ends. "I know she deserved it. I know this had to happen. I know she wanted to kill me. But-but she was still my mother, you know?" she turned watery eyes towards Carol. "I just wanted to see her, one more time. Feel the end to this."
Carol shook her head. "It never ends, the pain. It never goes away, you just find a way to live with it."
"Is that what you did?" There was some accusation in Lydia's face. "Would it help if I did what you did, kill my mother's killer?"
Carol stepped back from Lydia but made no reach for her knife. "You want to know the truth? It didn't do what I thought it would. It didn't bring my Henry back, it didn't stop the hurt I got inside, didn't give me my life back." Carol responded, voice low and tired. "It didn't help." She raised her arms out to the side, showing Lydia she wouldn't retaliate. "But if you think it would, you go right on ahead. Negan gave the killing blow, but I put him up to it. You want to kill your mother's killer? I'm standing right here."
Lydia stared at her for the longest time, her hand gripping the handle of her own knife. Carol waited for the fear and was not even surprised when it didn't come. Finally Lydia dropped her hand, the tears brimming her eyes spilling out onto her cheeks. Carol gave her only a moment before jerking her head towards the direction of Alexandria.
"Come on, let's get you home safe."
Lydia nodded, walking side by side with Carol. They were about halfway back, their voyage having been made in silence, when Carol heard rustling from the woods to their side. A sharp feeling of dread hit her instantly and she knew something was wrong.
She clutched Lydia's arm, pulling her close for a moment to hiss, "Someone is tracking us. I need you to run back, get safe. Go, now!" She let go of Lydia's arm with a push, turning towards the woods as she heard Lydia race off.
"You want me? Come and get me! I killed Alpha!" Carol screamed at the woods, hoping that this would distract whoever was following them long enough for Lydia to make it back.
It was only a moment before Beta broke the tree line, walking out towards her alone. Carol stared him down, her knife in her hand as he advanced. She saw him take a quick glance to the side and she followed his gaze to Lydia's form, quickly getting smaller as she sprinted.
"I'm the one you want." She challenged, taking a step towards his imposing frame.
He shrugged, "No problem. I'll deal with that little bitch later." She couldn't tell under that disgusting mask of his, but she swore he was smiling. "Come on then."
Knowing that she wouldn't get far if she ran, she instead charged at him, readying her knife as he also ran at her. She felt her knife connect, pushing it into the hard flesh with all her might before she was thrown back by a punch so powerful it knocked her off her feet, her cheek screaming in pain and her brain muddled from the blow. She stared up at him, seeing his blurry form press his hand against his upper arm and she was disappointed that she'd barely managed to get a flesh wound on him.
She vaguely wondered if he had broken her orbital socket, and it was adrenaline only that spurred her to scramble to regain her feet. He was faster than she and quickly wrapped a filthy hand into her hair and yanked her up. She felt another blow to her face, blood dripping from her mouth where her lip had been split against her teeth, and his hand continued its hold on her grey tresses. She felt a pang of regret for allowing her hair to grow, but let it drop as she concentrated on trying to find purchase on his frame so she could sink her knife in again.
He didn't allow that though, grabbing her knife by the blade with his other hand, ignoring how it cut into his palm so that he could wrench it from her fingers. It took only a moment, despite her fingers threaded through the knuckles of the knife, and she let out a soft scream as she felt one of her fingers breaking from the force of it. She tried vainly to swipe at him, her punch sliding off his face like she were only a child.
And then it was over, a gurgled scream rising from her throat, and she looked down at his hand releasing the hilt of her own knife, the blade buried firmly within her torso, to the right and slightly above her navel. She choked back a sob, refusing to allow him to hear that from her. Her hands went to the handle, already slick with blood, and he forced her face up to his by her hair.
"Don't pull it out. Don't want you to bleed out, yet. I've got a message for you to deliver."
She sucked in a breath and spat at his face. He backhanded her, using his grip near her scalp to keep her upright when her body tried to buckle.
"Not doing shit for you." she snapped at him, her voice strained by pain.
"Oh but you are, because if you don't, your friends won't have any chance at all."
She looked up at him then.
He leaned close to her face. "Here's my message. Before you die. Tell them that I'm coming. Tonight. I'm coming with my horde and we're going to kill every last one of them. Every man, woman, and child. You deliver that for me, and tell them to be ready. And you can tell Negan I'm coming for him personally. Can you do that for me?"
She stared at him, breath hitching as she tried to maintain control. He didn't wait for her to answer before releasing her hair and watching her crumple down to the ground. She cried out as the fall forced the knife to stab into her more.
When she found her way to her feet, Beta was gone. Holding her wound with one hand, she wondered whether it would be better to keep the blade in as he had said or pull it out. She took a few hobbling steps and found that, despite the sharp cutting pain with every movement, she could walk with the knife in. She began the long walk out, staying in the woods to be able to use trees to support her as she passed them.
LINELINELINELINE
Lydia reached the gates, waving frantically at the guards to let her in. She had no idea what happened to Carol. She had seen a figure come out of the woods when she had looked back, but had been so focused on running that she did not know what happened after that.
She yelled out, gasping for air between shouts, "Open the gates! We need help!"
The gates finally opened and Aaron came rushing down to meet her. "What's wrong?" he asked frantically.
"It's Carol! Something's happened to her, I think it's Beta!"
Daryl was already running down from where he'd been stationed on guard and jumped down the last few feet of the ladder to land beside her when he heard Carol's name.
"What are you talking about? Why were you out there?" he demanded.
Lydia took a few deep breaths to be able to calm herself in order to explain. "I know I shouldn't have but I went out to go see my mother, go see if she was still out on the pike. Carol must have seen me leave and went to bring me back. While we were walking back, Carol said that someone was tracking us and she told me to run back and she was going to stay and distract them. I kept looking back but someone came out of the woods, and then I couldn't see her anymore. I just kept running, and then I got stuck by a herd, had to hide and wait until they passed to keep going. It was Beta, it had to have been him." There were tears in her eyes when she had finished and she could feel that this was her fault, she shouldn't have gone out there. But no one said as much to her.
Daryl threw his bow onto his back. "I'm gonna go find her." He said firmly. "Where did you separate?"
"The place where there's that big broken log pulled out into the field, we were about twenty yards past that, I think. I don't know if that's where she'd be if she got away though, I was stuck from that herd for about a half hour, I think. I don't know."
Daryl nodded gruffly. "Stay here. Go tell Ezekiel about what happened, he'd want to know." he directed.
"You want back up?" Aaron asked.
"Nah, I'll be faster on my own." Daryl answered before taking off out the gates in a sprint.
LINELINELINELINE
"Sophia, come on and sit with me, it's already started." Carol said softly, holding her arm out to her daughter so the girl could cuddle next to her on the couch.
Ed was still out at the bar with his friends and Sophia happily settled in against her mother's side to watch Family Feud, snagging a handful of popcorn from the bowl cradled in Carol's lap. They didn't get a lot of time to truly enjoy together, and Carol savored these moments, her daughter snugly against her side so that she could feel the vibrations of her laughter as the host made fun of a silly answer from a player.
The memory suddenly swirled and it was no longer her child's soft smiling face that she saw but the milky eyes and deteriorating skin of a walker. Carol felt her heart clench as she watched her daughter hobble out of the barn door, the inhuman snarls and growls sounding just as real in her mind as that terrible day.
She gasped out of her pain and came back to herself. She was still walking, shuffling really, through the woods. She dimly looked around herself, ensuring that was going the right way, bracing herself against a tree as her physical pain spiked for a moment.
Her eyes blurred and she thought of Daryl, remembered the strong feel of his arms around her as he had held her when the monster in Sophia's skin shambled out towards them. She felt his hands, burning into her skin, as he rubbed her back standing on that bus at the prison. Could no longer remember the feeling of the warmth she used to get in her stomach from his bashful reactions at her teasing, but knew she'd felt it often.
~"Hadn't had a chance to say, glad you came back."
"What, to all this?"
"It's our home."
"This is a tomb"~ His eyes met hers as they talked, his hands working on arrows. There was a moment but then he laughed and she laughed, and the conversation eased into lighter. There was more laughter from him as they talked, and the sound lit her up on the inside in a way only he could.
She knew she loved him then, knew the second he came back, knew she wanted more from their relationship than just this, but she couldn't read what he wanted. Beyond her teasing of him, she was content to wait and be patient rather than scare him off. She could wait for love if that was what would eventually happen, but she couldn't lose his friendship.
Carol drew a harsh breath, coughing slightly and tasting blood. She knew deep down that there was a good chance she wasn't going to make it, even if she did manage to reach Alexandria in time to warn them. But she had to try, so she kept walking.
She had no idea what to expect as she walked out to see them, cautiously worried about them judging her for what she had done at the prison. But her eyes barely caught Daryl's as he turned to look at her before she was fully enveloped in his arms, the archer lifting her off her feet in his strong embrace. And she cried, the joy of being welcomed back, of being in his arms and them all being safe, spilling out as he pressed his face against her neck and breathed her in.
It was only two days later when she was already trying to leave them, leave him. He had changed, she felt that, and the way he looked at her had changed, too. Yet as much as she had wished for that before, she suddenly couldn't take it. Too much pain had closed down her heart and she just wanted to escape, but he had caught her.
Her memories drifted through her and Daryl's struggle to get back Beth, his attempts to be close with Carol again, maybe even more than before, and her difficulty with it.
She felt him lay down in the bed next to her, his hands cradling his head. She felt the urge to grab his hand, to try to feel grounded to this earth instead of lost in her head, but a noise distracted them and Daryl quickly got up.
Carol shook her head, feeling dizziness hit her she fell forward against the forest ground, biting her arm in an effort to muffle the sob of pain so she wouldn't draw any walkers.
She looked up, seeing Sam's face staring at her through the window with the same guileless smile as always. She rolled her eyes, going out to let him in for more damn cookies so he'd leave her in peace. She pulled at the door knob but it wouldn't open. His mouth opened and his lips moved in time to words but all she could hear was the sound of him screaming, and his image quickly split to him being ripped apart by the dead, his screams echoing off the walls.
Carol opened her eyes, looking at the ground and realizing she must have passed out. 'Damnit, get up.' she whispered to herself, pulling herself to her feet slowly. She pushed herself forward, eyes blurring from pain, but she continued.
"Mom, will you reason with him?" Henry asked, coming up to where she was tending flowers in the garden.
She looked up at him with a smile. "What's this about?"
Henry threw himself down to sit next to her. "Dad won't let me go out on the run tomorrow because the scouts said they've been seeing just a few more walkers near there. But Cliff and Sandra are going too now and I'm supposed to be getting more practice, and you know I've been training nonstop. I can handle myself."
Carol smiled, looking at him and gently pushing his too-long bangs out of his eyes. She understood Ezekiel's concern, as she felt it herself, but Henry was right, they had been promising him that he would be able to go on a run soon for months.
"I'll talk to your father."
He smiled hopefully. "Are you on my side then?"
"No, no, I'm not on anyone's side. I'll just see why he's changing his mind about this. Maybe if I go along.." she trailed off at Henry's face.
"No, mom, please. If you go, everyone's going to think I need my mom to take care of me." he whined slightly and she chuckled, realizing that she had forgotten what it was like to be fourteen.
"Okay, okay." she put her hands up in surrender. "I'll talk to your dad but I won't offer to go. You better get going to school, you don't get to be tardy just because you're the prince."
He grinned at her, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. "Thanks, mom."
He got up and took off running towards the building they held school in during the week. She watched him go for a moment before turning back to her work. She frowned at the yellow flowers in front of her. 'We don't grow these flowers...these are wildflowers...'
"Just look at the flowers, Lizzie." It was Mika's voice, and she whipped around. There she was, standing in front of her, blood dripping down from the stab wound on her chest.
"No!" Carol cried out, turning away, only to be faced with Lizzie in front of her.
Lizzie was facing away, staring down at the yellow flowers, crying, ~"Are you made at me?"
"Just look at the flowers." Carol said, her hand shaking as she pointed her gun at the back of the little girl's head. "Just look at the flowers."~ The shot rang out through her ears and Carol sobbed.
Carol tripped over a root, reaching out to steady herself. She took a deep breath, finding a momentary escape from the nightmares of her mind. Tears were flowing down her face and she wondered how long that she had been walking, locked in her memories. She took a moment to look around and see that she was actually very close to Alexandria now. Maybe another fifteen minutes of hobbling her weak ass over, she thought with a sigh. She felt her shirt sticking to her skin and looked down at the dark blood that had soaked through the fabric, dripping onto her pants. She was beginning to feel cold and she wondered how much longer she had. She willed the thought away, steeling herself and continuing her slow, painful walk. At the very least, she just wanted to see him again, tell him the message so at least they could get ready, maybe get through all of this endless fighting.
~"Daryl, you ever wonder if this is all there is? Just run into people, kill each other until whoever's left says enough."
"Sometimes I think we're just surviving one fight to the next."~
Carol kept walking, heading out of the trees as Alexandria came closer in sight.
~"Go out on the boat with me this time."
"Just run away together?"
"Like pirates, heck yeah."
"Nah, cooped up in those little cabins all day, that's not me."
"Screw the boat we'll take your bike and go out on the road."
"Better."
"Head out west."
"New Mexico."
"What the hell's in New Mexico?"
"People who weave bracelets…. No more fighting, get on the bike and go, see who's left."
"Sounds good to me."~
She looked down at her hand, fingering the frayed bracelet. Her fingers ran over the fishing line, and she watched as the white stained red where she touched. She wrapped her fingers around the bracelet, feeling the sudden urge to rip it off her wrist.
'It's stupid, it's not like we're best friends anymore.'
She shut her eyes, and saw years of memories of Daryl race behind her eyes, the good, the bad and the ugly, and the moments that had made her heart race. She gave the string only the gentlest of tugs though, and then left it there. He'd been her best friend. And now she was going to die with him hating her. She laughed, not sure why. Maybe because she was going to die soon and what would anything matter anymore?
She saw the walls get close enough now that she could see the guards moving but couldn't make out who they were, knew that she was just far enough away that they wouldn't be able to tell if she were a woman or a walker.
She was gasping for breath, the pain from her wound causing her to struggle to stand up straight. She coughed again and spit a mouthful of blood out onto the ground. Carol took a deep shuddering breath, and began coughing more, stumbling over her own exhaustion. She finally gave up, sitting herself down on a large rock. She felt so pathetic, unable to make it the last hundred yards to the gates. So close, yet so fucking far. And wasn't that everything in her life?
As she settled onto the rock, waiting for it all to finally be over, she watched the faces of all of her children pass across her vision, reliving their deaths over and over until she passed out.
She pushed against the door weakly. She had been sleeping but then she had heard someone in the hall, someone moving around and making some kind of metallic noise rhythmically. She knew, somehow knew, that it was a living person. She began pushing against the door again, trying to signal whoever it was that she was there, she was still alive. For several minutes she heard the metal sound, heard stomping, and she moved her arm back in surprise when the door was suddenly slammed shut against her, and she heard him grunt. She knew instantly who it was on the other side of that door, so when light suddenly flooded her vision, momentarily blinding her, she didn't feel surprised to see his startled eyes looking down at her. His hand was so gentle against her face as he lifted her chin to look into her appreciative eyes. He bent down to lift her into his strong arms and she finally felt safe.
Carol could still feel his arms around her, as solid as they were that day. She opened her eyes and saw Daryl above her, feeling his arms under her knees and wrapped around her back as he carried her. She realized that her dream hadn't ended, that she was still stuck in her memory, and felt so thankful that if this was her last memory to be stuck in, at least it was a loving one.
Daryl saw that her eyes were open and he looked down at her. "Shh, don't talk, okay? We're almost back. We're almost home. You're gonna be okay."
She raised her arm up lightly, reaching up towards his face because he looked different than she remembered, his hair longer, his face more lined. She felt a sharp pain at the movement and whimpered, her hand falling down onto her upper side. She found no knife hilt there but instead found fabric wrapped tightly around her middle, she wasn't sure but she thought it was his shirt sleeves. Her hand came away from the makeshift bandage wet.
"Is this real?" she rasped out at him.
He looked down at her again and nodded, appearing a little confused but rolling with it. "This is real. You're still here."
She drew in a sharp breath then, relieved. She'd made it. "He gave me a message." she whispered.
"I said don't talk. We need to get you to a doc." Daryl growled down at her.
She ignored him, because why break precedent now? "It was Beta, Daryl. He said they're coming tonight, all of them. Said they're gonna kill everyone." she coughed, wincing in pain and he looked down at her. She could see tears in his eyes and wondered how he still gave a shit about her, after everything. "He's after Negan first. Could see how you could use that...distract him maybe." she said softly.
"Will you please shut up? You can tell me all this after they've fixed you up."
She laughed then, a soft and painful noise. "Not gonna happen, Pookie. My fight's over." Carol could feel herself fading in and out of consciousness. Could hear Daryl snuffling, could hear him screaming at the guard to open the gate, could feel the bounce as he ran, but somehow couldn't feel the pain in her stomach anymore. That's how she knew it was over.
There were too many words in her mind. She wanted to say she was sorry. She wanted to tell him she loved him, that she always had. She wanted to tell him to keep fighting, to stay safe. But nothing came out of her mouth but ragged breaths. She used the last of her will to open her eyes once more, seeing his tear streaked face staring down at her and he laid a hand against her cheek. 'He doesn't hate me.' That final thought gave her some peace as she finally let everything else go. She focused on his face, on the feel of his hand, for as long as she could. Then her eyes shut and she knew no more.
"Stay safe."
"Nine lives, remember?" And she had given him that soft smile that really made him believe it right then.
"I'm sorry, she's gone."
LINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE
A/N: I really struggled with the ending, guys. Like, wrote it and rewrote it a few times and it never read right. So I opted to go as vague as I could. I tried to write Daryl in grief a few times, couldn't get it to work and seem realistic. I rewatched the scene of him finding Merle even to try to get it right...oh well, I hope this worked, feedback please. P.S. I am aware that it was silly for Beta to give that as a message, its like duh, that's obvious he's coming to kill them all, why warn them? But that wasn't the message, him killing Carol was, like an intimidation thing. Just so you know... Anyways, enough rambling ha. Please review!