I stir from my restless sleep at a pounding on the front door of our house. Our house. Me and Peeta's house. It still seems surreal that after all that has happened to us, after all we have been through together.
I haul myself out of our bed and adjust the nightgown that is stretched tightly over my ever growing abdomen. My heart pounds as I feel that all too common feeling of a foot in my ribs. I poke it with my finger. "Stop it, I can't breathe when you do that." I say out loud.
The banging on the door continues and I waddle quickly down the stairs. I let Haymitch in the door. "What took you so long, Sweetheart?" He walks past me and begins to rummage through the cabinets.
"I was trying to sleep." I say as I close the door and make my way to the table as well. I sitting down at the table when I feel a tightness run from my right side down to my pubic bone and back up my left side. I place my hand on my belly and it's hard, but it doesn't hurt. It's probably one of the "false labor" things Peeta has been telling me about. Peeta has been reading so much about pregnancy and parenting. He stays up late reading his books and telling me interesting facts about how big the baby is or what it looks like or what it's learning. Usually it's annoying, because I'm trying to sleep, but I also love seeing him so excited.
"He's coming home today right?" Haymitch asks as he continues to plunder through the cabinets to find himself something to eat. He settles on a loaf of bread and some honey and brings it back to the table. He offers me a slice, but I refuse. I wasn't hungry yesterday and I'm not today. It must be because I miss Peeta, I think to myself. "And your mother will be with him right?"
My mother. I haven't seen her since I left the Capitol, almost 15 years ago. Peeta has kept our friends and my mother updated with our lives here in District 12, but I refuse to talk to her. She tried to come home once. I think it was two or three years after the war ended. I refused to let her in the house. Peeta didn't argue with me, but he spoke to her. She told him she was sorry and she wanted to try again, but he told her that she needed to give me space. She did and I was glad for it. How could I forgive her? She abandoned me, again. Prim died and she wouldn't even look at me. My wounds were still too fresh.
The only reason I had agreed to let my mother return, was because of the baby. Peeta and I argued about it for months. "Do you want to go back to the Capitol, Katniss?" He asked me exasperated. "You're having a baby, you can't just hole up here in District 12 with nobody to help. What if something were to go wrong?" If something goes wrong? Why would something go wrong? I had thought to myself.
Peeta had become very nervous about the whole thing. I guess I could understand that he wanted me and the baby to be safe, but why was he so insistent on my mother? I asked him that one night when we were arguing about it again. He threatened to bring the entire medical team from the Capitol. "You know what would happen right?" he asked half joking, half serious. "All I'd have to say is 'the Mockingjay is having a baby', and the whole Capitol would be here in seconds." Maybe just one capitol doctor could come down and then leave after the birth, I told him.
"The Girl on Fire begins the next generation" Peeta said, imitating Caesar Flickerman's horrible capitol accent. "The inside scoop from a doctor who was actually there when it happened!" He was right. I didn't want my life, my birth, or our children turned into entertainment of any sort. Why was he always right?
"Okay," I agreed a few days later when Peeta brought it up again "but I don't want her here until absolutely necessary." We had come to the agreement that Peeta would go get my mother and her supplies two weeks before the baby was supposed to arrive. She would sleep in Peeta's old house, so that we could still be alone. So that I wouldn't have to be nice to her.
"Yes," I respond to Haymitch, "They should be here tonight, around ten o'clock."
There was another knock at the door. A light, almost dainty knock. It was very different compared to the one that came from Haymitch. I heave myself from my chair when Haymitch doesn't show any signs of getting up and feel the tightening again. I ignore it and open the door.
Effie Trinket appears in the doorway. "Oh Katniss don't you just look radiant!" She exclaims in her Capitol accent. She flounces into the kitchen in her fluffy outfit and purple wig and greets Haymitch cheerfully.
"What are you doing here, Effie?" I ask laughing, as Haymitch grumpily tries in vain to wipe lipstick off his cheek.
"Well I heard about the baby of course!" Effie smiles. Effie pulls up a chair and we sit at the table. "So how do you feel?" She askes eagerly. "You wouldn't believe how thrilled I was when I heard the news from Peeta! Oh! And he just seems so happy. You should have seen his face when he was telling me! And Katniss I couldn't believe it! I just had to come!"
I smile, thinking about how happy Peeta was when we had found out that I was pregnant. Peeta had been talking about kids for years when I finally gave in. For a whole year we tried for a baby without any success. One month I had felt like I was about to start my period again. I told Peeta. He said "If it happens, it happens right? You are all I could ever want."
We were laying in bed almost two weeks later, when I did the math and realized that I hadn't ever started. He was almost asleep. I could feel his breath becoming slower and heavier on my neck in the darkness as he drifted into sleep. "Peeta?" His arms tightened around me and he made a noise to signal that his was still a little bit awake. I rolled over in his arms and kissed his sleepy lips. His eyes fluttered open sleepily and he smiled. "Peeta, I think—I think I might be pregnant." That woke him up. "Are you sure? I thought you said that you had started?" His eyes searched mine. "I though I did," I reached up and touched his cheek, "but, it's been over a week and I haven't." He pulled me close is a warm kiss and when I look at his face again he has tears in his eyes. "We're going to be parents."
"I feel really restless," I tell Effie truthfully. "I haven't slept well since Peeta has been gone." Effie gives me a sympathetic look. A trip to the Capitol is two days there, then he had to help my mother pack her things and then the two day trip back. It has been a very long time since I've been separated from Peeta for that long. Haymitch is always around, checking in on me on Peeta's orders, but I still felt alone.
Speaking of restless. I am very uncomfortable in the wooden chair I'm sitting in. I stand and and make my way to the fireplace. As I walk by Haymitch pokes my belly and says "Hey you in there! Ready to come see your Uncle Haymitch soon?" I smack his hand away and my heart races as the baby wiggles at the sound of the familiar voice. "Stop it Haymitch! You know I don't like it when it moves!" I rub the spot where Haymitch poked and the baby settles at my touch.
"Do you feel the baby move a lot?" Effie asks dreamily. I lower myself into the rocking chair by the fire and think. The baby moves a normal amount, but it scares me to death every time. The though of life, inside of me. The though of bringing a helpless person into the world. A world that was not so long ago a very bad place. Bringing someone into the world that would make it that much harder for me to pick up and run if things start to go south. Peeta usually pulls me out of the spirals. The baby must feel my hear rate quicken, because it adjusts to the left side of my body. Trying to get more comfortable maybe. "It's moving now." I press my fingers into the top of my belly and feel a hard spot that must be a tail bone or a heel.
"Isn't that wonderful!" Effie cheers "What does it feel like?"
"Horrible." I say flatly. At her surprised face, I reach my hand out to Effie and she kneels beside my chair. "Here, feel for yourself." I press her cold hand onto the place where I felt the bony spot. I can feel from the inside as the baby responds to the pressure, pushing back and then settling back down. Effie gasps in excitement and waits to see if the baby will decide to protest anymore. Thats when my whole abdomen becomes hard again, I feel the tightening and aching in my back this time too. It still doesn't hurt, but it's definitely become more and more uncomfortable.
Effie's eyes flit to mine. "Is that normal Katniss?" I nod my head, lying, and remove Effie's hand quickly. I do not want them to worry. This is just that false labor Peeta keeps telling me about.
That's when Haymitch becomes interested again. Turning his attention to me and Effie he asks "Is what normal?"
"Nothing," I say dismissively, faking a smile. "I'm going to go get dressed." This does not fool Haymitch. I stand from my chair and start to make my way to the stairs. He blocks my way.
"Are you in labor? Peeta told me that if you went into labor while he was gone, you'd try to hide it."
"Haymitch, It's nothing, I swear." I respond rolling my eyes. Of course Peeta would have told Haymitch this. He knows me well. But this is not real labor I tell myself. "It's just normal pregnancy stuff that you won't understand."
"Park it Sweetheart," he tells me pointing back to the rocking chair, still unconvinced. "Try me."
"Haymitch, please," I plead but sit down obediently. There's no way I can get out of this without freaking people out is there? I don't want them to think I'm in labor. I don't want to be in labor. Especially when Peeta is gone and I'm still two weeks away from my due date. "I think it's just this thing that Peeta was reading about. Braxton something-or-other. It's like a fake labor. It get's my body ready for the real thing, but I swear it doesn't hurt or feel bad!" Another wave of tightness crosses my back and then my belly. And again, it's a little bit more uncomfortable than the last time. "I can feel it right now and I'm fine." Haymitch watches me closely and I try to keep my face neutral. "I swear if it starts to hurt or something changes I'll let you know." No I won't. Haymitch knows that.
He reaches his hand out and helps me up anyway. His voice softens. "If something changes, let us know. That's why I'm here. OK?"
I nod. Grateful that he's letting me go. When I make it to my room I can still hear Effie spewing about how exciting a baby will be to Haymitch, who occasionally grunts in acknowledgment that she is talking. I change into a maternity shirt that is stretchy and soft and a pair of cloth shorts. I braid my hair back in my normal way and look out across District 12 from my window. I can see the Primroses that Peeta had planted, they are flourishing. I remember that Peeta had said that the fake labor could be stopped with walking or napping. I make up my mind to go for a walk and get some fresh air, since sleeping definitely isn't an option. That should help all of this stop.
I spend hours in the meadow by my old house, the summer breeze on my face feels amazing. The tightness changes slowly. At first I forget about them, the walking seems to help.
At about four o'clock in the afternoon the first painful wave hits me. "Not yet," I say out loud, "Peeta isn't home." Still another six hours before he is supposed to arrive. What I'd really like to do now is try to nap because suddenly my body feels exhausted.
"Finally!" Effie exclaims when I walk through the door. "I was starting to worry, how far did you go? You've been gone for hours!" She sweeps me into a chair at the table and continues to work on whatever she had been doing before I returned. It looks like she's doing a very bad job of chopping up some vegetables. Haymitch puts a glass of water in front of me and I finish it quickly.
"Just around," I say. I feel the pain start in my back again and take a deep breath, trying to keep my face passive. "I'm sorry, I just lost track of time."
"Well try not to do that, OK?" Haymitch snarls from his spot in the corner "We're kinda trying to keep track of you and you gave us a scare this morning." That's an overstatement. Anything I do now can be considered a 'scare'. Because I'm pregnant I'm treated as frail and something to be protected.
I'm annoyed that these two are trying to control me again. They aren't in charge of me. I know they care, but I just want to be left alone. I need to escape. I wish Peeta was home. Before I can push myself out of my chair I feel the pain start to grow again. I will my body to wait until I make it upstairs. It doesn't comply.
"Katniss, we just care!" Effie chimes, putting her hand on my shoulder. Seeing that I'm not being very responsive she changes the subject. "Haymitch and I are making dinner. Why don't you go and get cleaned up?" An escape.
The pain is traveling over my abdomen and down the insides of my legs now. I feel the color drain from my face. Effie and Haymitch are now both watching me with concerned looks on their faces. I nod and before I can start up the stairs Haymitch calls my name. "Are you sure that there's nothing going on that you want to tell me about?" I manage an irritated 'yes' and make my way upstairs as quickly as I can.
I bathe and rebraid my hair. The heat from the water feels amazing and I almost fall asleep. I sit in the tub until the water is cool and then get dressed and head back down to dinner.
Haymitch and Effie carry on conversations throughout dinner, but I remain silent. I poke at my food and then push it away. I'm still not hungry. The pain is still tight but its also cramping and I can't help but grasp the edges of the chair when the muscles in my abdomen start to contract. Haymitch is talking about some news he heard from the Capitol when I feel a particularly sharp pain spike my lower back.
My body reacts before I can hide my pained expression and I gasp.
"Katniss," Haymitch and Effie are both staring at me, "Are you still sure this is false labor? It seems like feels pretty real."
I can feel both of their eyes boring into me but I have to wait until the pain starts to subside. "No, I'm sure" I'm breathing heavily and I know they aren't convinced. "Peeta will be home soon, he can tell you." They still don't believe me. The pain is finally gone. That one lasted a lot longer than the others had. I need this to stop. Peeta said walking and rest. I'll go lay down and maybe I can nap until Peeta gets home. Hopefully then this false labor will slow down and Haymitch and Effie will leave me alone.
"I'm going to go lay down." I say, pushing the chair away from the table. When I stand the pain starts again. It feels like lightening shooting from my back down the insides of my thighs. Before I can control myself I let out a groan and Haymitch and Effie are at my side. Their hands extended towards me like the think I'll fall over any second. The pain is still building and my grip on the table is hurting my hands, but I won't let go.
"Come on Sweetheart." Haymitch says in a gentle tone. His big hands grab my upper arms. "Can we at least help you up the stairs?" All I can do is nod my head, my eyes still closed. I put my hand on my belly and can feel the tightness start to ease seconds before I feel the pain starting to subside. Releasing the table from my grip I let Haymitch and Effie help me up the stairs, which feels a little bit weird. I feel completely fine when I'm not experiencing the pain, but I think it makes them feel better and I don't have the energy to object. I haven't slept more than a few hours over the past two nights.
At the top of the stairs another pain starts again. The lightning shooting through my body and down my legs. It scares me. I grab Haymitch by the shoulder and shake my head, as if arguing with the pain. "It's not real. It's just my body getting ready." I whisper.
"It's real Katniss." Effie says. She takes my other hand in hers and somehow I'm lead to my bedroom. I let them lay me down and cover me up with a blanket.
"How much longer?" I gasp when the pain starts to leave my body again. "How much longer until Peeta gets back?"
"Only a few more hours." Effie tries to say reassuringly. I don't want to wait that long. I want him home now.
Laying down was a mistake. It somehow makes the pain worse. I can't stay in the bed for longer than two waves of pain before I'm back up and pacing the floor. When a pain starts I freeze and a Haymitch appears, letting me lean on him. I can tell who it is by the smell, but I don't open my eyes anymore. Every pain I cry for Peeta. Every time he isn't there.
Haymitch uncomfortably excuses himself and says he'll go watch for Peeta and my mother when I become hot and swap my shirt and shorts for one of Peeta's big shirts. I don't think Effie knows what to do because she sits at the end of the bed and watches me pace and sometimes she gets up and looks out the window. She offers me comments like "Breathe Katniss" "You're doing great darling!" And "He should be here any minute!" When I call for Peeta. After what I think has been two hours Effie says she's going to run downstairs for a minute. I feel something different. A pop like a balloon bursting and warm liquid running down my legs. I look down and see a puddle forming at my feet. The pain starts again and it has somehow tippled in intensity. A moan escapes my lips and I grab hold of the foot of the bed. I hear foot steps coming up the stairs. I can't open my eyes to look. The hand that touches the center of my back is dainty and soft, but unlike Effie's, it's warm. My mother is here. "Peeta!" I call for him. Why hasn't he come to find me like my mother has? Is he okay? I start to panic.
"He's coming, Katniss." My mother says calmly. She must see the puddle at me feet because then she says "Did your water just break? Or has it been a little while?"
"Just before you came." I gasp through the pain. "Where's Peeta?"
"There was a mix up in the Capitol and he had to get on the train after me, he'll be here really soon. Katniss, I need you to tell me how long you've been in labor."
Those are really hard questions. "I don't know!" I feel her wiping up the floor around my feet and the she moves to my side and I can feel her watching me. I hate her. I make a mental note to have Peeta kick her out as soon as he gets here.
'Are you in a lot of pain?" She asks me. What a dumb question. I nod my head. "I can give you some morphling if you want."
"No." I firmly deny. I do not want to fall asleep when my baby is born and I do not like the way it makes me feel. I don't get why my mother is not understanding what I want. Not her. Peeta. "I just need Peeta! Why isn't he here yet?" I yell angrily.
"He's coming sweetie," She touches me softly and I want to vomit. "What can I do to help you? I want to help. I care about you."
"No!" How could she say that to me? Does she think I'll believe her? I begin to yell at her. "You can't help me and you don't care about me! You promised you wouldn't leave again and you lied! I hate you! Get out!"
She looks at me sadly, but she know's I'm right. She doesn't leave, but she sits quietly and stops touching me.
I feel like I've been standing here for three days. Each contraction feels like it lasts hours. My legs are so tired and my body aches. The pain starts to subside when Effie walks into the room. She offers to give my mother a break. I shoot a thankful look at Effie, but my mother refuses.
As the pain peaks another groan escapes my lips. My knees give way and now I'm squatting at the end of the bed. My mother is talking to me again, but I don't know what she's saying. I think she wants me to move and I protest loudly when someone pulls on my arm. "No! I just need to be here until Peeta gets here!" I don't want anyone besides Peeta to touch me. I know that letting my mother come was a bad decision. If I have any more children, I will not be making the same mistake.
I look at the clock on the nightstand and realize that my mother has been here for two hours. I calculate that I've been laboring for at least 12 hours now. The house is quiet. Haymitch has probably gone home and if Effie is still here she is sleeping or keeping busy with a silent task. My mother still sits in the corner, quietly.
Another contraction starts and I hear the the front door open. Peeta is here. I groan and as the pain builds it turns to a yell. I hear a thud that must be Peeta dropping whatever he brought in the door with him. Footsteps thunder up the stairs and the door opens quickly, slamming into the wall.
He's finally here, kneeling down beside me. My eyes are still squeezed tight, but I can feel his eyes assessing me. His hands are rubbing my back and he kisses the top of my head. "I'm here, Katniss, I'm sorry." He says quietly.
"Peeta, I don't want her here." I tell him quietly.
His hands rub up and down my back and he kisses my temple. "She's here to help you." He says gently as he helps he to stand. I wrap my arm around his neck and before he can say anything else I kiss him hungrily. I missed him so much. "Are you trying to seduce me?" He asks jokingly.
I smile, but before I can respond another pain comes crashing through my body. "It hurts!" I gasp as the pain takes my breath away. I can feel him swaying our bodies back and forth as he whispers encouragement to me that I don't have the brain power to understand. My body is screaming. I think my mother shows him how to put pressure on my hips to help ease my pain. The pain starts to lessen and I realize that Peeta is talking to me.
"Katniss, are you listening?" I nod indicating I am. "Your mother wants to see how close the baby is now. Okay?" I don't know what exactly this means, but I let Peeta lead me to the bed. I pull away because last time I was laying down it made the pain worse. He climbs in before me and helps me sit between his legs. I melt into his body with my head leaned back on his shoulder my legs in tailor fashion in front of me. My body relaxes a little bit. I watch as my mother sits at the edge of the bed near my feet.
"We're going to see where the baby is now, Katniss." She says. When I don't react or respond she explains herself in a different way. They're both talking to me like I'm five years old, but at this point my head is so fuzzy I don't know if I could understand them any other way. "I need to feel for the babies head." She taps my inner thigh.
Oh. That's what she wants to do to me? No. I glare at her and shake my head. "C'mon Katniss," Peeta's lips brush my ear "She needs to check and see that the baby's alright."
"Why?" Won't I just feel it when the baby is close?
"You've been laboring for a long time," She explains "I just want to make sure the baby is in the right position and that it isn't stuck."
Peeta kisses the side of my head. "It's going to be OK. She just needs to check. Is it okay if I help you?" I nod. I let Peeta gently pulls my knees back. I feel exposed and don't like that my mother is seeing this part of my body, but who else is going to help us? Next time I'll stick it out for a Capitol doctor, but its too late this time.
The 'just checking where the baby is' feels a lot more like pulling and stretching a lot of sensitive parts of me. My back arches in pain and my knees pull together. Peeta interlaces his fingers with mine and I squeeze his hands.
"Come on Katniss, It's really important that we make sure the baby is in the right position to be born." My mother says softly.
"It hurts," I tell Peeta as I let my legs relax again an burry my face in his neck. "I don't like it."
"I know," His voice sounds broken. He's in just a new situation as I am, but he can't feel the pain. "Breath with me." He breathes loud so I can follow him. Inhaling through his nose, exhaling through his mouth. My mother begins her exam again and I focus on Peeta. It feels like an eternity, but really must only be a few seconds. When she's Peeta holds me. "I know, no more. It's all done."
She covers us with a blanket "You're dilated to eight centimeters. The baby is in a good position. You should feel like pushing any time now. When you do, you need to tell me okay?"
I nod and Peeta thanks her. "Can you give us a minute?" He asks her.
My tail bone is starting to hurt in this position. "I want to lay down now." I tell him and Peeta helps me sit up and slides out from behind me. I lay down on my left side and Peeta kneels at the side of the bed in front of me. I reach out and touch his face. He catches my hand and kisses it. Another pain comes through, racking my body. He feels so far away. "Hold me."
He lays down next to me, his right arm extended so I can use it like a pillow. His left hand on my lower back pulls me to him until my swollen abdomen keeps us from being any closer. I throw my right leg over his hips as an anchor. I don't want him to leave me again. It also alleviates some of the pain in my pelvis. "I missed you," He says between kisses all over my sweaty face and then on my mouth and I never want him to stop. Another pain starts and I groan from deep in my chest. "What can I do?" He asks, his forehead still touching mine. I shake my head. Nothing. There isn't anything else he can do.
There's a knock at the door and Effie bubbles in "Hello! I was just popping in to see how you're both doing. Your mother said tha—" She stops short when she sees how close and tangled up we are.
"We're doing fine Effie, thank you." Peeta turns and smiles at her, always calm. I have forgotten that at this point I'm only wearing a big shirt, but I choose to believe that all Effie can see is Peeta's back and my limbs wrapped around him.
She scuttles back out the door with an embarrassed "Shout if you need anything!" And is gone.
Peeta can't help but laugh. "You should have seen her face." I smile faintly but don't speak. The pain is still coursing its way through my body and my eyes are shut tight again. The pain doesn't go away now. It was sharp, tight, and shooting. Now it's pressure and burning and so much worse.
"Peeta I don't want anyone else to be in here." I say panicked. I can tell the baby is getting close and my body is starting to push for itself, but I don't want my mother in here again and I resist. "I don't want her to check me again. I don't like it when she's in here."
"Okay, but when you feel like you need to push we need to tell her so that she can come help." Peeta says confused at my sudden panic.
"No." I shake my head my muscles are bearing down and I can't stop them anymore, but still I try to resist. "We can do it. Just you and me please! She said the baby's in a good position. I don't want her in here again."
"OK, OK" He strokes my hair gently and kisses my sweaty forehead again. "Do you feel like you need to push now?" I nod my head, tears are streaming down my face. "It's okay, Katniss, you can. Listen to your body."
I hold my breath and bear down. I hide my head in Peeta's chest, he's still stroking my hair. Pushing feels better than resisting and I give in to my body one hundred percent. Sometimes low moaning sounds escape my lips when I push. Pausing every few moments to catch my breath. My mother comes in after I make noises, so I force myself to be quiet and can hear Peeta telling her that I've been in and out of sleep. She leaves and I've never loved Peeta more in my entire life.
Soon I start to feel burning with pushes and can feel my body stretching to make room for the baby. Peeta continues to whisper encouragements in my ear. I reach down to feel and moving down when I push and receding when I stop, I can feel a slimy, fuzzy head, I let out a sob at the idea of touching my child.
"What is it?" Peeta asks. Through the pain and the exhaustion I've lost my ability to speak. I grab his hand and bring it down with mine he pulls back a little bit at first, when he figures where I'm putting his hand, but then he lets me. "That's the head?" He asks in surprise. I nod.
I push again and this time the burning doesn't stop and the head doesn't recede. The pain is overwhelming and I feel nauseated. I don't know how to cope, the pain is continuous, there's nothing I can do. "Help me." I choke out.
"I don't know how." Peeta whispers to me. "You're doing so good."
I feel like my body is tearing around my baby. The bones in my pelvis part and it feels like they shatter. My body is pushing again and I'm not ready. I scream. Peeta is telling me the head is out. He says that I'm almost there. My body bears down again and I give in. I feel my baby's body rotate as it navigates my pelvis. I reach down with both my hands to catch my baby.
"One more, Katniss, one more." Peeta's voice gives me my last bit of strength and then I feel relief. "You did it!" He whispers as he kisses my head. I try to pull the baby up to my chest, but the cord that has kept us attached for all of these months is too short. I lift the baby up by the armpits. "Katniss," Peeta whispers as the baby begins to cry, "It's a girl." I lay her on my belly and rub her back to warm her up. Peeta helps me strip off the rest of my clothes so that our baby can be on my skin. He pulls the blanket up over all three of us.
At the sound of the crying baby my mother bustles into the room.
"It's a girl" Peeta tells her excitedly. My smile fades as I feel more pain. I thought I was done.
"Well done, Katniss," My mother moves to her place at the foot of the bed, "but you're not done yet. We still have a placenta that we need to deliver okay?"
The pains aren't as severe as the ones before but they still hurt. She and Peeta help me turn and sit back on a mountain of pillows and Peeta sits beside me. He cut the cord and then I can bring my daughter up to my chest. My mother instructs me to push a few more times and the placenta is out. She leaves us alone again "but only for a moment" she tells us sternly. I still hate that she is here, but I'm so happy to have my baby that I don't object anymore.
And then finally we get a good look at her. She's pink and her face is a little bit smushed from her trip into the world, but she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I never knew that I could feel so much love for one tiny little person. Peeta cries and kisses me and her and then we stare at her. We watch her try to open her eyes but she can only squint because her new world is so bright. We watch her turn her head to Peeta's voice when he talks. We watch her stretch out her foot like she did inside of me. And finally, we watch as she begins to bounce her little head around on my chest until she finds my breast and begins to suck.
It hurts at first, but we adjust and then she is nursing happily. She eats for a few minutes and then falls asleep and then she wakes up again and goes right back to eating. It's the most amazing feeling in the world, feeding my daughter. For such a long time in my life I didn't want to bring children into the world, not when they would be hungry and at the will of the corrupt Capitol. But now, I have the ability to provide for my child with my own body, in a new, peaceful world. My heart is bursting with more love than I knew I could hold.
Nursing becomes one of my favorite things about being a mother. Peeta and I love to watch her eat until her belly is full. When she gets a little bit older she watches us back, sometimes she breaks her latch to give us a gummy smile and then goes right back to eating.
When she's almost one year old my mother writes that I should start feeding her solid foods, and could begin to wean her. We introduce her to solid foods, she likes them, and Peeta likes being able to help feed her now. But I also continue to nurse my daughter. Not as often of course, because she is filling her belly in other ways too. But when she wakes up in the morning and when she goes to bed we sit together and she nurses. It is comforting to her, and I am happy knowing that I can provide for her.