A/N: A short fanfic about Madotsuki's escapism into the Snow World, Pink Sea and Poniko's arms. This story is rated T for themes of mental illness and escapism, but contains nothing NSFW.
I wrote this story to take a bit of a brain break from my other, long-term writing project. It's my first Yume Nikki fic, so please let me know what you think! Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. Enjoy! :) (I do not own Yume Nikki.)
Poniko and Pink
Madotsuki crawled into bed, clothes and all, and pulled the blankets over her head. She breathed in the warm, musty air of her dark cocoon and felt at least a little better. Despite telling herself for months that she'd change the bedding, the smell was familiar. The mattress and pillow cushioned her body, and the warmth and darkness was as safe and as comfortable as her mother's womb.
Mother. Madotsuki closed her eyes and tried not to think about that woman, instead just letting herself sink and drift into the comfort of her bed - her safest place. She'd lost count of how many times she had done this, how many times she'd climbed under the covers wearing her shoes, skirt and tacky pullover and entered a lucid dream state.
She focused on her goal, picturing the blonde pony-tailed girl who existed only in her dreams, living in a tiny room across a shimmering pastel sea. Poniko would be happy to see her, even if no-one in the waking world cared about her.
Madotsuki drifted into a lucid dream using the techniques she'd learnt from her psychology books. What had started out as a means of confronting and controlling nightmares had instead shifted into an elaborate form of escapism. Over the course of about a year, Madotsuki had unveiled a whole hidden universe within her own mind - a blend of worlds and entities that were direct reflections of her subconscious mind. It was a universe full of chaotic psychedelic colours, rooms of infinite darkness, memories of her trauma...but also a place of solace and comfort in some instances. There were some scarce corners in which Madotsuki could escape into when the real world got too boring, or her mental illness too overwhelming.
Things would be alright once she was dreaming, once she met Poniko. Madotsuki counted down from three to one and opened her eyes - that is, she dreamt that she opened them.
She was standing on her balcony in the crisp night air, where all her dreams started. Madotsuki knew that her real body was asleep in her bed, and this was her dream form now. She performed a lucidity check for the hundredth time, looking down at her hands. They were blurry rather than clear, confirming that she was dreaming. Good. A small smile found its way onto her face. That was another sign she was dreaming - Madotsuki rarely smiled in waking life.
She walked from the balcony into her tiny apartment. Had she been awake, Madotsuki would have had to trudge through the various psychology books and empty take-out containers that littered the floor. But they weren't present in this dream, and the floor was pristine. She continued on through the front door.
Here was the Nexus, the vast black space that housed 12 doors positioned in a ring. Each door led to a different 'world' in Madotsuki's mind. Tonight she would go to the Snow World, through the purple door at the bottom of the Nexus.
Madotsuki conjured a bicycle out of thin air - one of the perks of lucid dreaming - and used it to speedily ride through the door. Emerging out into a bright, snowy expanse studded with pine trees, Madotsuki breathed in the cold air, feeling it fresh and sharp in her lungs as her legs churned the bike pedals. She rode on, eager to reach the igloo that held the portal to the Pink Sea and to Poniko.
The blanket of snow on the ground didn't slow her bike at all. After all, Madotsuki's dream worlds didn't follow the laws of the waking world. She soon reached the lone igloo that housed the entrance to the Pink Sea. Madotuski had the route embedded deep in her memory, as she had come this way many times. Dismounting from the bike and letting it vanish, she entered inside and saw the pool of pink water that never seemed to freeze over, even despite being ringed by permanent snow and ice. It sparkled welcomingly, and Madotsuki didn't hesitate to step in.
The water was only ankle-deep, but when she stepped in she found herself sinking slowly through the bottom of the shallow pool. The water was warmer than the outside snow, and she closed her eyes to savour it as it rose up over her being. She felt the water lap at her face and gradually submerge her, all the way to the top of her head. Then - just like that - she had left the Snow World behind.
Upon opening her eyes, Madotsuki found that the rose-tinted water now reached her waist and stretched in all directions as far as she could see. The Pink Sea, just like many of the other dream worlds, was infinitely looping and quite sparse with its landmarks, making it difficult to navigate. But Madotsuki knew the way very well, and she took off confidently.
Transforming into a humanoid frog to make wading through the water easier, Madotsuki used a series of colourful balloons dotted around the space to teleport to other locations. With each floating balloon she touched, she travelled further and further into the land of the Pink Sea, until eventually she set foot on an island of pastel-pink sand. Just ahead of her was a conical mound decorated with stripes in bright shades of purple.
Poniko's home. Her heart lifted as she laid eyes on it.
Madotsuki regained her human form, letting water melt off her as her frog-self transformed back to normal. She stepped through the doorway into Poniko's room without hesitation, as she had done many, many times before.
"Hey, Mado-Mado." Poniko was sitting on her bed, boredly swinging her legs. As Madotsuki entered, she got to her feet and crossed the room, smiling a little. "Back so soon?"
"There's not much to do in my apartment," Madotsuki answered.
Poniko chuckled. "There's not much to do here, either."
"I enjoy your company."
"Hmm," Poniko said. "That would be flattering if I was actually real."
"You're real to me," Madotsuki said. She nudged Poniko playfully.
Poniko smirked. The two were standing almost face-to-face, gazing into each other's eyes. Madotsuki's were chocolate-brown; Poniko's were a deep blue.
"So. The usual?" Poniko walked back over to the bed and sat down, smoothing her skirt neatly.
"I suppose so," Madotsuki replied.
"What's up? I can tell something's bothering you."
Madotsuki hesitated. "It's just...my life. In general."
Poniko pressed her lips together, humming sympathetically. She opened her arms and Madotsuki walked into them. Poniko lay back on the bed, bringing Madotsuki with her. "That's why you have me," the blonde girl murmured, hugging Madotsuki close and stroking her hair. "I know you're trying. You can't help being a hikikomori. Even though I'm your only friend, you know I'll always be here. I'm part of you, after all."
Madotsuki's throat was tight; she couldn't bring herself to reply. Talking had always been hard for her. Silence had a habit of squandering her voice and she couldn't even remember the last time she'd spoken in the waking world.
But Poniko was used to this. The two girls lay tangled limb-in-limb for several quiet minutes until Poniko changed the subject. "Tell me about your day," she whispered.
There wasn't much to tell. "Well...I read," Madotsuki began. "More psychology books. And then I was online for a bit, just browsing the web I suppose. I ordered some take-out when I got hungry. And then I slept." Madotsuki thought of her sleeping body back in the real world, what she would give to have Poniko snuggled next to her in waking life.
"Mmm," Poniko said into Madotsuki's hair, taking in everything she'd said. She continued stroking, and Madotsuki closed her eyes to focus on the calming sensation. She could feel Poniko's warm breath against her skin, and the scent of her olive-green sweater was familiar in her nose. She wasn't sure how to describe the smell, but it was comforting. Like home.
But this isn't real. Madotsuki knew that well - her dreams were simply dreams. But they felt real, despite parts of them not making any sense at all.
"What did you do today?" Madotsuki whispered.
She felt Poniko's chest jump a little as she let out a breathy laugh. "You already know the answer to that."
Poniko doesn't exist when I'm awake. She's only here when I'm asleep. The entire dream world only exists when I'm asleep. And even then, it still isn't properly real.
"Well, what would you have done?" Madotsuki rephrased her question. "If you didn't need my company to exist. What would you spend your time doing?"
"Hmm…" Poniko slowed her stroking of Madotsuki's hair as she considered the question. Her eyes roamed to her bookshelf and the lamp-lit desk in the corner. "I suppose I'd just read. But I don't really know. I don't exactly have hobbies. I'm a being that you created yourself. I don't know my own identity - only you know that, as my creator."
Madotsuki opened her eyes. That reply left her feeling hollow for reasons she couldn't place. "Let's not talk about that," she murmured. "Let's just cuddle."
Poniko wordlessly agreed, drawing her arms tighter around Madotsuki.
"I hope you can keep finding comfort in me," Poniko whispered. "I know you've been upset a lot."
Madotsuki fought to blink back tears, feeling her eyelashes brush against Poniko's chest. She gripped the blonde girl tighter as they overflowed. Not real tears, but they felt real. The emptiness in her body felt incredibly real.
...oOo...
Madotsuki found herself in her bed in the waking world. She pulled one arm out from under the covers and gently pinched her cheek to see if she was still dreaming. Nothing happened.
I'm awake, she thought with a sigh. She'd read somewhere that that can happen sometimes - if you experience intense emotions in a dream, it can cause you to wake up.
I hope Poniko doesn't mind that I didn't say goodbye, Madotsuki thought, and then corrected herself: Of course she doesn't. She stopped existing the moment I woke up.
For some reason, she wondered how long ago she'd met Poniko. She found herself blankly staring at the ceiling, remembering the first time they'd met.
"Do you have a name?" Madotsuki asked.
The blonde girl's eyes crinkled as she smiled playfully, swinging her legs as she sat on the edge of the bed. "I will when you give me one."
"Well, um, I'm Ma-"
"Madotsuki," the girl finished, not rudely. "I know." She shoved off the bed and came over to Madotsuki, who stood by the door. The blonde girl met the brunette's eyes. "You're my creator. Will you name me?"
"I...I didn't quite create you," Madotsuki spluttered.
The other girl smiled again and touched a finger to the centre of Madotsuki's forehead. "But I'm still from in here. Whether you created me consciously or not, I'm still a product of your mind."
Madotsuki struggled to unpack the meaning of the conversation. Why was this girl being so strange? The pony-tailed girl moved airily back to the bed and smoothed her skirt as she sat down again, beckoning to Madotsuki with a single finger.
Madotsuki's anxiety froze her to the spot, heart pounding.
The girl instantly dropped her playful aura when she saw Madotsuki's expression, folding her hands in her lap. "I'm sorry…" she murmured softly. "I was just trying to cheer you up somehow. You're lonely, aren't you? You want comfort. Affection, social connection...all those things that evade you in the waking world...right?"
Madotsuki felt tears pricking at her eyes. She could only nod in reply; her throat was choked up.
"Don't cry, Mado-Mado," the girl soothed. "Come over here."
Madotsuki hesitated...then numbly crossed the room and stepped into the girl's arms. She was getting too emotional to stay lucid; the dream was beginning to fade as tears sprung into her eyes. The other girl could sense it too; she squeezed Madotsuki in a hug in an effort to keep her senses grounded in the dream.
"Name me, quick," the girl said.
"Huh?"
"Give me a name!" she laughed.
"Um…" Madotsuki focused on the girl's features, trying to think of a suitable name for her. She had deep blue eyes and blonde hair, held in a high pony-tail. "Um...Poni...Poniko?"
Poniko burst into peals of laughter. The sound was delightful, contagious, and warmth stirred in Madotsuki's chest as she let out a small chuckle too.
"Poniko? Really? 'Pony-tail girl'?" Poniko laughed again, tapping her creator's forehead. "Not very creative, are you?"
Madotsuki felt a blush seep into her cheeks. "I was thinking on the spot!" she defended.
Poniko grinned. "Well it worked. You managed to ground yourself in the dream again."
Madotsuki looked around Poniko's small room. Her surroundings had become more vivid and clear; her tears had stopped forming and she wasn't at risk of waking up from crying anymore. Poniko had distracted her on purpose to take away her sadness and re-stabilise the dream.
"Thank you…" Madotsuki murmured.
Poniko shrugged. "It's what I'll do from now on - make you happy, even if there's no-one else to do it. Whenever you need me, I'll always be here. All you need to do is fall asleep."
She beamed, and Madotsuki found a smile of her own reflecting Poniko's. She woke up soon after - not because of sadness, but from intense happiness and laughter that brimmed in her soul for the first time in months.
Madotsuki eventually moved her absent gaze from the ceiling and crawled out of bed, rubbing her bleary eyes. She stumbled into the bathroom and leaned over the tiny sink to splash water on her face, then went into her apartment's kitchenette to find some leftover take-out. The blue-ish glow from the fridge illuminated her face and she blinked against its harsh, unwelcoming light.
Actually...food could wait. She wanted to see Poniko again.
Madotsuki went back to sleep and followed the path from her balcony all the way to Poniko's door. She stepped inside, and Poniko was swinging her legs from her place on the bed once more, just like always.
"Hey again," Poniko said, jumping up and approaching Madotsuki. She tilted her head to one side, concerned. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I just…"
"I know," Poniko murmured. "I didn't mean to make you cry. Sorry if I said something wrong."
"No, of course not…"
Poniko outstretched her arms with a childish grin. "Cuddles for Mado-Mado!" she announced. Madotsuki gratefully walked into Poniko's arms again, letting the warmth fill and complete her. "I'm going to hug the sadness out of you!"
Madotsuki closed her eyes tight and nestled into Poniko's chest to breathe in her scent: safe, homely. Poniko was a part of her, a lifeline of comfort and support within her very own mind. Poniko's presence meant that Madotsuki was capable of healing, that she wanted to heal. It would be slow. Perhaps months, perhaps years. Perhaps a lifelong journey of step-by-step recovery. But she would try for Poniko, and especially for herself.
Even if her anxiety and depression shackled her to her bed, and her agoraphobia meant she didn't see the outside world apart from opening her door every so often to snatch up take-out deliveries, or put out bundles of dirty laundry for the apartment complex's staff to wash - here was Poniko, and here was healing. Poniko was all she had, all she wanted and needed. Though the pony-tailed girl wasn't completely real, she would aid Madotsuki and be with her for as long as she lived.
But someday, Madotsuki promised herself, someday there would be a time when she fell asleep and visited Poniko not as a form of escape, not to be soothed, but to instead tell her all about the happiness she'd found in the waking world.
One day I'll come here to you, Poniko, Madotsuki thought, and you won't have to cheer me up.
"I know," Poniko murmured into her hair. Madotsuki stiffened in surprise. Poniko knew her thoughts, even though she hadn't voiced them. She was a part of Madotsuki, after all. "I know you'll try your best, and I'm so proud of you for it."
Madotsuki's chin quivered and tears sprung into her eyes. The dream promptly faded, and she found herself again in her dimly-lit apartment, swaddled in her bed. She wiped the tears away from her cheeks, feeling them wet on her fingertips.
Real. Real tears. Not of sadness or grief, but happiness. Madotsuki gazed at the ceiling and savoured the feeling, letting the tears come fully. She decided she wouldn't go back to sleep for a while, not until she was properly tired and she actually needed rest. She would do something for herself now, even something small. Poniko would still be there in the dream world when she returned later, always ready for her. And then Madotsuki would tell her all about the things that had made her happy.
Madotsuki swung her legs out from under the covers and planted her feet firmly on the floor. The real world had been harsh to her, but, just like Poniko's home, she would do her best to make it a place of comfort for her as well.
- End of story -
A/N: Thanks so much for reading. I'd love to know what you thought ^-^