Roller Coasters to Infinity
"Hey are you alright?" Jackie looks to Olivia Baker with compassion in her eyes. This is another night where they just sit on the couch and pretend to watch tv at a low droning volume. But the truth is they are just trying to drown out the sad. The woman had lost her daughter, as she had lost her son. She's been staying with Olivia who insisted "there was no need for her to book a hotel". That was before Olivia had admitted that she'd never lived alone.
And that she never wanted to was what Olivia has been thinking but that she hadn't said aloud. Truthfully, Olivia has been unbearably lonely since Andy has left her and she missed his conversation, his touch. Especially his touch.
When they were both high school sweethearts they had read once a New York Times article about the "five languages of love". They took the quiz themselves and they each had ranked "physical touch" as their first and primary need.
They learned to love each other through gentle brushes of the arm and a kiss on the cheek. A pat on the back and a snuggle on the couch. More often than not Olivia would fall asleep curled up in Andy's arms as he played with her hair or rubbed her softly on the neck.
And now her daughter was gone, and she was alone, with no one to hold on to, and no one to hold her through the nights.
"Hey are you alright?" Jackie repeated as Olivia's eyes refocused back on the woman sitting across from her as she brushed a tear running down her cheek. "You looked like you were a million miles away" she said wistfully. "I suppose I was" Olivia sighs as she leans into the blonde woman. "God I just miss her so much" she starts to sob.
"Come here" Jackie offers and wraps her arm around the slight woman, bringing her into her lap on the couch. Olivia hugs into Jackie as if for dear life as Jackie soothes soft circles on her back and her shoulders. "Thank you" Olivia squeaks out, her voice breaking halfway through. "Thank you" Jackie emphasizes. "For letting me stay" Jackie says softly as Olivia cries. "Thank you for staying with me" Olivia answers and takes Jackie's hand into hers.
And it just about breaks Jackie's heart how much this woman was hurting right now. All she wanted to do was to take her pain away. To make her feel something that wasn't hurt or loss. She brushes the hair from Olivia's face and she places a soft kiss at the top of her head. Olivia sighs as she curls into the other woman and rests her head down and falls asleep.
Olivia wakes up, disoriented as she feels a soft arm around her waist and a warm hand on her head. "Mmphmmm" she hums, half asleep was she blinks her eyes open. She then realizes that she is not wrapped in Andrew Baker's arms, she's wrapped in her friend Jackie's arms. Jackie is still soundly asleep, propped up against a pillow on the side of the couch. At one point she had dragged a blanket over both of them she remembered.
Truthfully, Olivia feels the slightest bit guilty about how much she feels better right now. The human connection and touch always had a healing effect on her whole spirit. It made her feel grounded and supported. All these weeks all she had wanted was for someone to hold her and to tell her it was alright. And Jackie did. Olivia tries her best not to move so Jackie won't wake up and she curls in again and closes her eyes with a slight smile creeping onto her face.
The second time she wakes up she frowns at first because Olivia realizes that she's not curled up on the couch with Jackie, rather she was tucked into the blanket, her head resting on a pillow and she smelled.. coffee? Olivia yawns as she rolls over to see the kitchen where Jackie was pouring the cream and the sugar into red teacups and stirring them with a teaspoon.
"Well good morning sleepy head" Jackie chuckles at her with the slightest smirk on her face.
"What why are you looking at me like that?" Olivia reacts in surprise.
"It's nearly twelve noon Olivia, it's good for you. This is the first time you've slept through the night since I've been here" she says flatly.
"Wow- oh- yeah- it feels good to be well rested.. wait how did you know that?" Olivia questions.
"Light sleeper" Jackie says curtly as if that explained everything. "Coffee?" She offers with a genuine smile.
"Yeah that would be great" she takes gratefully as Jackie teasingly pushes Olivia over on the couch to make room for her again.
"Have any good dreams?" Asks Jackie as they sip their coffee and nibble on toast.
"No, actually but at least I had no nightmares" Olivia explains.
"I used to get nightmares too" Jackie answers. "Still do sometimes, but not last night either" she adds.
"You know, I'm almost ashamed to say how peaceful I'm feeling right now" Olivia says with a tone of angst.
"It's normal to feel guilty when there are good things" comforts Jackie. "But that doesn't mean you don't deserve them" she says, reaching up to stroke Olivia's arm. "You deserve to have good days" She soothes. "Thank you Jackie" Olivia smiles and leans into Jackie again and enjoys how Jackie's body naturally melts into hers and decides that she's going to let herself feel comforted. At least for now.
"Hey you can say no but I have an idea: how about a snow day?" Jackie proposes.
"It's over ninety degrees outside?" Olivia questions.
"It's more of a metaphorical snow day, if you will" Jackie explains. "Today we can go to the park or wherever we want just for fun and today, the trial, the kids, the grief, the guys they just don't exist and we can have this one day together, as friends" she explains.
"A snow day" Olivia repeats, tempted by the prospect of even momentary happiness.
"A snow day" Jackie confirms and reaches to hold Olivia's hand, which she takes into her own.
"So where do you want to go on the snow day?" Jackie asks.
"I never really thought about it before" says Olivia.
"Well what would your perfect day be?" She says softly.
"Well you're going to laugh at that one" Olivia chuckles, embarrassed.
"Try me" Jackie challenges.
"If you say yes that means you're going to do it with me right?" Olivia clarifies.
"Wow I mean I didn't want to be an asshole taking advantage so I wasn't going to bring it up but I mean if you're asking…." Jackie says in a suddenly seductive voice.
"Wait what did you think I meant by that?" Olivia's eyes widen in shock as she replays the last sentence in her mind.
"You just asked me if I would DO IT with you I thought you were pretty clear" says Jackie. "Now by all means if you're that naive and your plan didn't at all involve your lips on mine then of course I'll do whatever else to make you happy. But if you really did mean you want to do IT, well I'm just saying it's not off the table on my end anyways. But no hard feelings if I jumped the gun on that one. See I just thought well, maybe it was wishful thinking and pinning on my part that even though you were married to a man, it doesn't mean that you weren't also into women on another side of this life…" Jackie says honestly as she strokes up and down Olivia's arm.
Olivia visibly flushes as Jackie mentions the lips on her lips and it causes her to bite hers on the corner subconsciously. So she wasn't misreading things, clearly she still had her gaydar after all those years. She could still sense something stir in their bodies when they touched each other even platonically…
Her imagination was running wild with the thoughts now and she swallowed hard looking Jackie back the eye. And when she did she could see the shade of the blonde woman had darkened and something passionate had been lit within.
Jackie knew that Olivia was hurting and she didn't want to take advantage either. She wasn't a predator; she genuinely felt a connection with the Baker woman. Her passion, her fight for her daughter. She really wanted this to happen but it had to be Olivia that made the first move.
And Olivia did. She tugged on Olivia's tie she was still wearing from after the trial. She tugged on it to bring their bodies closer and she curled a piece of Olivia's hair back before she leaned in. And Jackie leans in. And they still both have their eyes open until Olivia nods and they close their eyes gently.
And then Olivia brings her lips to touch Jackie's. She claps her hands around Jackie's face as the blonde woman holds her by the waist. Jackie pulls Olivia in so that she's sitting on her lap and she holds her as Olivia parts her lips for Jackie. Jackie delivers open mouthed kisses to Olivia and its all warm and all comfort. And Olivia softens under Jackie's touch. She's soothed by this woman as she sits in her arms, enveloped.
Olivia kisses Jackie again, this time with a slow and exploratory smile. And Jackie kisses her back, always letting Olicia set the pace as she enjoys the comfort too. They have lost everything and now they at least can feel something for the first time in longer than either of them can remember. They suckle each other's lips and roam their hands freely.
And they feel free. And when they open their eyes and as Jackie brushes the tears from Olivia's face, Olivia moves towards Jackie's face because she's crying too. And not in a sad way like they were before but in a satisfied way. That they were alive and content with exactly what they had right then and there.
"You take my pain away" Olivia says, breathless. "And you take mine" Jackie smiles.
"And I think that's alright" Olivia smiles.
"I think it is" Jackie hushes.
"This was a good snow day Jackie" says Olivia.
"It really was" Jackie agrees.
Epiolgue:
'You never did answer my question Olivia about what your best day on earth would be" she jokes as Olivia sets the table and Jackie pours the wine for dinner.
"Well I would wake up and have sex and then eat donuts for breakfast and go to an amusement park. And then I would have lunch including dippin' dots ice cream. And then I would see the ocean and fall asleep in someone's arms as we look at the stars" Olivia says wistfully.
"Tell me you weren't thinking about that today" says Jackie.
"I told you mine you tell me yours" says Olivia with a quirk of the brow.
"Before today I thought I knew. I would - But you know yours sounds like a whole lotta fun" Jackie laughs.
"Maybe we'll just have to try it sometime," says Olivia boldly.
"I think we will" and Jackie agrees, sweeping Olivia off her feet and carrying her over to the couch to plant a kiss upon her cheek as Olivia laughs.
"We will" they say together as their foreheads press together and they stare into each other's eyes. And in that moment, they feel infinite.