Disclaimer: #dontownshit #brokeaf #sueyourself

A/N: It's been a full body stretch and yawn since I had some giggles with a particular subject matter. What you ask? Well, I'm talking about a modern snake oil salesperson and if you choose to spend money on their shit then that's your business just like me making fun of the scheme is mine. The last time I did this was with Emma & Regina a.k.a SwanQueen dealing out the quips for laughs. So in light of the latest item made available for public consumption I thought Jane & Maura deserved a go this time. This is 'cracky' but if you need context let's pretend R&I didn't start truly suffering in S4 and last all the way up until the end thanks to the writer's with their Hawking/Einstein love child intellect hard at work on their grand ideas of drama. Btw, Jane-Lo POV in charge up in here so enjoy yourself or not?

_Candles Are For Pu$$ies_

Jane rolls her eyes at the fact that Maura has left her door unlocked for the billionth time. Jane thinks that if Beacon Hill had any hood running around that Maura is not even making it a challenge for them. All that's missing is a goddamned cruelty-free made welcome mat that's grammatically correct. Jane opens the door and steps inside; it's not even worth reminding Maura that she needs to find some middle ground in making her door locks start earning their keep. Jane makes a face and then locks the door rather theatrically, without slamming it since Jane's not three and acting out, even though there is no audience. Not that Jane needs an audience just to amuse herself but it is more fun when someone else is there even if it just irritates the other person. In fact that might make it even more fun.

Jane turns around and then heads straight for the kitchen since that's where usually is Maura but sometimes she's hidden away in her yoga twisted up like a pretzel or bouncing on that huge ball thingy. Jane has wondered off and on if that kind of thing gets Maura horny like those little silver Ben Wa balls you can buy to shove up in your cooter can. Jane doesn't know if there's any truth in advertising there though since Jane prefers a nice dildo or her trusty vibe that's probably ready for retirement. Jane's aware that her clomping or stomping, depending on who you ask, has already given her away but she stops for a second because she smells something funky. Jane is not about to go scenting the air like Jo Friday but goddamn there's something way overpowering in the aroma department in the air.

Jane thinks it can't possibly be food since nothing edible can possibly smell like that. Burnt food doesn't even smell like a tame version of wet dog and Jane has gotten a nose-full of both many times in her life. Jane makes a face and strides the rest of the way into the kitchen and sure enough there's Maura fiddling with some green vegetable at the countertop, and as a bonus she has a candle burning on there too. Jane rolls her eyes as Maura looks up from the green substance that she's practicing her knife skills on. Jane grins and pulls out one of the chairs at the bar and sits down. Maura smiles and goes back to her chopping. Jane smirks at the notion that Maura likes to cut up things. Mostly dead people.

Jane slouches down in her seat and then rests her arm on the countertop and props up her chin in the palm of her hand, "Is that for Bass?"

Maura pauses her precise chopping and glances up at Jane, "No, but why do you assume everything that's green in this kitchen is for my tortoise?"

Jane huffs out a heavy breath, "I don't assume that everything green is for your turtle."

Maura sighs, "Tortoise."

Jane rolls her eyes, "Whatever, and besides I thought those posh strawberries was his kink anyway."

Maura reaches for the small towel by the cutting board and wipes off her knife, "I'm fairly confident that Bass doesn't harbor a fetish for fruit." Jane snorts. Maura is so easy to goad and she goes from zero to full on nerd in the blink of an eye. "Though if a Geochelone sulcata as a species in general, due to certain innate habits, could be labeled as having a kink then it would be Salirophilia."

Jane blinks and damn she's already afraid to ask but she started knocking the ball on Maura's side of the court so why not lob it back, "That sounds like a fancy salad at one of those snobby Back Bay joints. But what's a Sally lies on Philly kink?"

Maura tilts her head to the side and grins, "The people that have the fetish Salirophilia are aroused by rubbing soil over themselves or other people."

Jane raises an eyebrow since it's the best she can do in her tired state at the moment. Maura will just have to cope, "Sounds like a sandbox love they never outgrew. I bet those people ate glue too when they were kids."

Maura chuckles and Jane has always secretly liked being responsible for bringing that out of the good dead people doctor, "There are more, shall we say, unsanitary documented fetishes than merely dirt."

Jane hums and shit, the smell is getting stronger. Jane wonders just what in the blue fuck is Maura cooking, "Such as?"

Maura picks up a small garlic clove and deftly smashes it with the flat side of her knife and then turns around and tosses it into the low simmering pan on the stove behind her. Jane does not smell garlic so it's gotta be those stalk-looking things that Maura's cutting the ever loving shit out of on her cutting board.

Maura smiles and selects another stalk and resumes chopping, making sure to use proper technique to protect her fingers, "One of the most unsanitary kinks in my opinion as a medical professional is Fecophilia."

Jane scrunches up her face because this one couldn't be more obvious to her if it announced itself with its very own parade complete with a special brown-town marching band, "Is that what I think it is? You know people being hard up for...poop?"

Maura continues chopping, "That's correct. Though most prefer to call it skat-play."

Jane gags and then shivers at the images her mind wants to produce but she suppresses, "Fuck, that's gross. And really? Skat-play?" Jane suddenly feels like she has a bad taste developing in her mouth that might have nothing to do with the subject matter and everything to do with whatever is stinking up the room. "Skat! Is something you yell at a pesky cat and then if that doesn't work you start squirting them with water!"

Maura shrugs and it's then Jane notices that Maura has her fit for a shampoo commercial caramel-colored looking hair pulled back in a stylish low ponytail. Only Maura would make an effort to look this good while cooking in the privacy of her own home. Jane shudders to think how many extra miles Maura would go in the wardrobe department if she had her own chic-geek cooking show. A camera, a mic and YouTube could make it happen but you still gotta have the clickiest of baits for views.

Maura stops chopping, puts her shiny and large and lethal knife off to the side as she arranges her green chunks on the cutting board into a neat pile, "Then there's Eproctophilia."

Jane should've never opened to the door to this conversation but fuck it. Maybe it's the funky smell that is getting to her the longer she's being exposed to it. Maura seems unaffected though, aside from the disgusting topic being discussed, but that doesn't count since it's Maura and she's a gushing fountain of all sorts of knowledge. That and Maura is the proud owner of one of those super-smeller noses that can scent out deco faster than one of those cadaver dogs.

Jane wiggles in her seat and slouches a bit more, "Okay, on a scale of one to ten how disgusting is that one before you tell me what it is?"

Maura grins and it's that devious smile that Jane has come to recognize. Jane's not going to get a rating first. Maura's just going to go right to it, "People with eproctophilia have a fetish for flatulence."

Jane gags and then sits up straight in her seat as she tries not to throw up in her mouth. Her brain has just provided her with imagery no person should ever want to see. Giving someone a dutch oven in bed is one thing but to want someone to fart in your mouth cause it makes you horny enough to cum is just too much. Then Jane has a passing thought that there's people out there who'd get off on her wanting to vomit. Oh wait, Giovanni said that Maura's barf would be cute. He's one of those sickos but Jane knew that already. She went to school with the oaf and people don't really change aside from how they look on the outside. Aging is a bitch.

Jane's hand slips off the side of her face and lands on the countertop with a plop-like slap, "Jesus Christ and Mary had a little lamb that's!" Jane gags again a little and fuck a duck the smell that's been assaulting her nose since she walked in is kinda starting to remind Jane of hot garbage. Jane breathes in solely through her mouth which barely helps. "Hey, maybe those air biscuit lovers should get together with the mud butt lovers? It could be a match made in a portapotty."

Maura laughs and that's all Jane needs to make her evening a lot less sucky. However, if that smell would go away it'd be that much better. Jane's going to have to be tactful in trying to discover the cause of the stench since it might be whatever Maura's cooking and Jane's not trying to insult the cook when she'd rather kiss her.

Jane sighs and puffs out her cheeks as she slips off her blazer and then drapes it over the back of her chair, "Okay, enough with the kinks-a-lot STEM talk. Instead, tell me what green things are we cutting up this evening doctor?"

Maura smiles brightly as she inspects the green-white heap on the cutting board, "I have leeks."

Jane's eyebrows rise, "You have...leaks?" Maura frowns a bit which just makes her look cute. Jane's nose twitches, probably from the stink that's getting stronger, so she reaches up to rub it. "Yum, what kind of wine does that pair with?"

Maura narrows her eyes at Jane playfully, "Leeks, as in a vegetable not a plumbing issue." Jane smirks because she's being annoying on purpose and Maura knows that. It's just one element to their PG-13 foreplay at the moment before it goes to a hard R later and then, well Jane's not the kiss and gloat type. "I'm making a low carb Cauliflower Leek Soup instead of a traditional Potato Leek Soup."

Jane leans forward and rests her arms on the cool surface of the countertop, "Why?"

Maura picks up the cutting board with the Leek pile and then turns towards the stove and then dumps the Leek into the pan that's been quietly cooking the garlic. Jane realizes then that whatever has been terrorizing her nose can't be overpowered by garlic. Maura hums while she places the cutting board in the sink basin and then turns back around to face Jane.

Maura smiles and reaches for the small towel again but this time to wipe her hands off on it, "The leek and garlic are being sautéed in a mixture of olive oil and butter for the next ten minutes. From there they will be added to a low sodium chicken broth that's simmering in the pot next to it for approximately twenty minutes." Jane's head is starting to spin; they might be eating at some point in this less than fresh scented kitchen. "After that I will be pouring the cooked mixture into my immersion blender, to mix further until smooth, before serving. After that a little sea salt, pepper and chives as garnish."

Jane blinks and then waves her hand, "Okay, chill short Julia Child." Jane sniffs again and her nose wrinkles up. Jane's had it up to her eyeballs with the funky odor. "Is that what I'm smelling? Your Leeky soup?"

Maura makes a face but then she smiles, "Oh, no it's not any of the ingredients in the soup. What you're smelling is my new candle. It's quite original in terms of it's bouquet of fragrance."

Jane glares at the candle sitting off to her right. It doesn't looks like anything special at a glance but knowing Maura it's probably some weird-ass new age kundalini concoction farted out by bees before someone threaded a wick up through it. Too bad it's not John Wick. Jane grunts and hesitantly reaches for the small back jar that the candle is burning away in. Jane slowly pulls it towards her; sliding it along the countertop, and yeah the closer it gets this is the guilty offender to Jane's sense of smell. Jane's mouth forms a grimace as she gets a real nose full of the candle. Jane is tempted to blow it out but instead she twists it around and it's then she notices the white label slapped on one side of the candle.

Jane blinks at the words typed out in a nice unassuming font that's managing to come across as pretentious as fuck. Jane glances up at Maura and arches an eyebrow high on her forehead, "This smells like my vagina?"

Maura chuckles, "As you well know vaginas don't smell like that candle. It's just a marketing tactic that has proven highly effective."

Jane lightly shoves the candle away from her person, "Is this a joke? Have you been down at the mall browsing Spencer's Gifts during one of their 'everything must go' sales?"

Maura frowns at Jane but then she just shrugs, "It's a Goop brand candle that you most certainly won't find at a mall on sale." Jane rolls her eyes and yes, she knows that one of these days her signature move might do lasting damage if it's severe enough. Maura's nose wrinkles up as she pulls the candle closer to her. "I bought it as a conversation piece mostly. And to be honest the longer I've let the candle burn the more putrid it's fragrance has become to my olfactory senses."

Jane has never been less than generous with her eye rolls and she's not about to start today with this conversation, "Then blow that Goopy shit out already!"

Maura gets her cute angry face on for a moment before blowing out the rancid candle and sitting it aside on the countertop. But now there's the smell of pseudo vagina smoke in the air too combined with the fragrance that the cooter candle had already pumped into the space of Maura's house. Jane has no doubt that the damn candle costed more than five dollars but with the way it smells Jane wouldn't pay fifty cents for it if she found it all dusty and shit on the clearance shelf at Dollar Tree. Maura turns away from Jane and goes to stir her leeky green garlicky skillet of ultimate goodness with her brand of efficiency.

"So what's this Goop crap exactly? Last I heard it was an amazing glue but times they are a changin'." Jane tries to fan the offensive odors away from her face. But it's like trying to direct a blind fly away that's hell bent on flying up your nose or in your mouth. "Is it the new and improved Bath & BodyWorks or something?"

Maura taps the wooden spoon she is using on the side of the pan, "As a medical professional I can say that Goop is a company that promotes fringe health practices that are suspect, misleading, plainly ill-advised or veering into dangerous." Jane is intrigued but she doesn't see what this has to do with a taint candle. Maura lifts the lid on the pot simmering beside the pan and uses her wooden spoon to stir it's contents. "Goop consistently made headlines by selling jade eggs that you insert into your vagina which is dangerous given how porous jade is. The bacteria present that you would be introducing into your body." Maura frowns and shakes her head, pulls her wooden spoon out of the soup and then replaces the lid on the pot. "No credible doctor endorses the products or practices that Goop is known for. The company has thrived though mostly due to the fact that the industry it panders to is unregulated while at the same time it's in an environment ripe with desperation."

Jane pushes a hand through her hair. Maura is getting philosophical over a candle that she shouldn't even have bought to begin with, "Wait, I know who you're talking about now. I can't think of her name." Jane snaps her fingers which is like a jumpstart to her brain. "But a couple of years ago she was preaching about steam-cleaning her lady parts?" Jane grimaces because the idea of doing that to your vagina sounds like the thing to do when you hate yourself. "That actress from the Avengers movies. I can't ever forget that she actually said: I am who I am. And I can't pretend to be someone that makes twenty-five thousand dollars a year." Jane mimics an indifferent, haughty bitch nasal tone which is more of a stretch than her valley girl accent. "Or that every time she gets a bikini wax Cameron Diaz has to hold her down." Maura snorts and Jane whips out her best fake pout for a moment. "And I don't know why I'm not surprised that she chose to call her business venture fucking 'Goop'."

Maura grins and shrugs up one shoulder, "I suppose you wouldn't be interested in hearing about the sex toys she sells?" Maura smirks while getting this playful twinkle in her eyes. "I find them rather infantilizing options though that are the supposed stereotypical objects of female desires." Both of Jane's eyebrows creep up on her forehead because Maura is always down for talking about sex like Salt N' Pepa. "The vibrators Goop sells are named: The Fireman, the Tennis Coach, the Frenchman and the Millionaire."

Jane gapes for a moment. She has never thought about inviting any of those so-called fantasies into her pants, "What is wrong with this woman? Even lesbians aren't this fixated on vagina's. Horny straight guys though, oh hell yes!"

Maura laughs and once again turns around to stir her pan of Leek and vampire deterrent. Jane silently enjoys the sound of Maura's chuckles until they stop for her to sample the stuff in the pan. It must be right as rain because then Maura proceeds to take the lid off the large pot and then adds the Leek and stuff to the soup pot. Jane will happily eat the soup either way but it wouldn't be the same if she didn't complain about it before, during and maybe after.

Jane taps her fingers on the countertop, "So in her infinite Hollywood-bred wisdom she had to have a candle made that reeks of her...lady bits?" Jane makes a face because fucking privileged rich people! Maura is the only good one. She's doing something useful with her life. Not spending her time posing like a plastic bitch on the red carpet to stay relevant enough to be cast in something or pimping an overpriced perfume that you could find at Hot Topic for cheaper. "Normally, I wouldn't ask but how much did you pay for the old cooch candle that could destroy a person's sense of smell if they were exposed to it long term?" Jane sniffs and it's going to be awhile before her sinuses exercise that demon of a candle. "I can't believe you paid money for that thing."

Maura stirs the large pot and replaces the lid, "What else would I use to pay for it?"

Jane snorts, "How much?"

Maura turns around and smiles at Jane, "Seventy-five dollars. Elton John bought quite a few of them."

Jane's mouth drops open slightly, "Seventy-five dollars for a candle!" Maura shrugs again and then the rest of Maura's sentence filters through. Jane blinks very slowly. "Wait, forget what you paid for, hmm." Jane sighs and then rubs her hands down her face. "A man that's as gay as a Maypole shelled out money for a vagina candle?" Jane feels like she's talking slow too but only because her mind is going into error code (thanks Frost) over trying to understand Rocketman's logic. "You have to help me out here cause I'm lost."

Maura smiles that megawatt smile and Jane's poor brain stutters and fumbles even more, "The candle doesn't actually smell like a vagina. It's not possible given the odors that a vagina can emanate can vary based on diet and hygiene." Jane feels herself nodding as Maura moves around the kitchen island towards where Jane is seated. "The candle is actually a blend of geranium, citrusy bergamot, cedar, Damask rose and ambrette seed hence why it's quite pungent. And Elton likely bought the candles for the same reason I did."

Jane slouches a lot less while she pivots to the side to keep a better eye on Maura. Not that Jane's eyes so much as dare to stray far from her, "So Gwyneth wants us plebs, who can't or won't put out for her candle, to believe that her goopy hot pocket smells like a rose by any other name?"

Maura's laugh is low and melodious as she approaches. The closer she gets the more Jane's heart rate kicks out the jams faster which is nothing new. Jane hasn't needed to downplay how Maura makes her feel in a long time. Maura stops in front of her and gives her the look; meaning Maura is in the mood for a little something before dinner is ready. Jane loves the game that they've perfected over the years though they've had to cut back on the flirting over the dead body deal in public.

Jane smirks and uncrosses her legs, "So is Pepper Potts next venture to meticulously craft a candle or an essential oil to peddle to people with more money than common sense that smells like what? Her period? Boob sweat? A queef?"

Maura grins and tilts her head to the side, "What's a queef?"

Jane chuckles under her breath. She's not going to explain what a queef is to Maura. On second thought though maybe she should since Maura loved discussing Korsak's gas output years ago that time when he was going overboard with his fiber intake. That turned out to be the night; Constance's art installation. Jane stood up for her best friend and not only did she help fix Maura's relationship with her mother but Jane ended up with a girlfriend and a best friend in one package too a few days later. Jane grins as she thinks back on that night but presently it could also be that Maura is messing with her simply to hear what Jane's got to say on the subject. Jane feels the need not to disappoint her audience.

Jane licks her lips and then smirks, "A queef is the term for when your baby chute lets out a toot." Maura laughs again and places a hand on Jane's thigh. "It can happen while you're bumping pelvises or on other less intimate occasions it can happen when you're sitting down and a regular chocolate starfish-origin fart tickles up and then slips out the front butt." Maura lightly pinches Jane on the thigh and Jane flinches. "And you just wanted to hear me say all that shit since I'm not buying that you didn't already know, Dr. Isles."

Maura places a hand on Jane's other thigh and Jane automatically opens her legs a little, "I will neither confirm nor deny any such knowledge." Maura's hands lightly squeeze Jane's thighs. "I find your explanations, while crude, are bluntly informative."

Jane is vaguely offended or at least she's going to pretend to be so she won't read 'easy and aroused' to Maura, "In that case I'm thinking in celebration of your vagina candle and its heritage we should take a candle-making class together and make our own blowout of a candle?" Maura smiles brightly again but Jane isn't mad about it. "We could start with a little number called: 'This Smells Like My Penis' and go from there. And if that one sells then we could do the sequel: 'This Smells Like My Sweaty Asscrack with the option of a more classy Eau De Sweaty Balls? Gay dudes might love it? Niche marketing and all that since not that many straight women actually like giving blow jobs. I don't think women will be as randy for the perfume of our version of male genitalia unless we pull a fast one."

Maura chuckles while she steps in between Jane's legs and Jane shivers at the contact, "But neither one of us has a penis so our knowledge of appropriate scents are limited."

Jane smirks, Maura is such a tease but what an appetizer before dinner, "So, tell me when have I ever let a little thing like that stop me? And how hard could it be to capture the essence of unwashed foreskin?"

Maura smiles and shakes her head before leaning in to press her lips against Jane's and if that's Maura's cue for Jane to shut up until dinner is ready then Jane isn't going to be mad about that either. This is the best hill to die on so long as there are no vagina candles around. And it's with that thought in mind Jane decides when the opportunity to low-key dispose of the Goopy candle for trash collection Jane will not fail and consequences be damned if she does get caught. If anything, Jane will work off the seventy-five dollars raking the yard. Since Jane for damn sure doesn't need her appreciation for vagina's thrown off by some egotistical twat who gave up on a month-long Food Stamp Challenge after four days when she realized that she couldn't live like the commoners. And then Goopy just had to make a candle that frankly smells like a burning queef from the lips of a rotten rose.

_END_

Soundtrack:"Fire Water Burn" by Bloodhound Gang

A/N 2: I have never so much as sniffed Gwyneth's candle and I don't want to. I read and watched reviews and that's as close as I ever need to be to the real thing. I don't have any well-off friends so I'm sure I'll never accidently stumble upon one either. Also, I can think of better ways to blow $75 dollars than on a candle. This story is meant to be over the top, vulgar and all that good shit for laughs. Hell, the very idea of Goop is which is what made this story so easy to write.