Chapter One
Charlotte Heywood POV - Saying goodbye through a carriage window.
The carriage bounced and rocked its way across the bright green clifftop, carrying Miss Charlotte Heywood away from the man who stirred her heart, swept it up in love, and then broke it.
She stared straight ahead, desperate to ignore the urge to look back, only it was too strong. Slowly she turned in her seat and stared back at Sidney Parker through the small window on the back wall of the carriage. She had to have one last look. Chances were she would never see him again, and she needed to see him one last time. A part of her hoped he wouldn't be there, that he would have gotten on his horse and hied off, but when she looked back, there he stood, in the same spot, the reins of his horse in one hand and his hat in the other. His gaze, forlorn and defeated, penetrated the retreating carriage and pierced Charlotte's soul.
He didn't want her to go, just as she didn't want to leave, but there was no choice. He was promised to another, not for love, but as a means to save his brother from financial ruin. Sidney was selflessly giving up his happiness to keep his brother from debtor's prison. Charlotte understood his choice, and even supported it, but knowing why he broke her heart, didn't lessen the hurt.
She watched as Sidney slowly lifted his hat and solemnly placed it on the horn of his saddle. Overwrought with emotion, he fisted his hand around the reins and lowered his head to his horse's neck, seeming to seek comfort from the creature.
A tear slipped from Charlotte's eyes and trailed slowly down to her chin as she watched his despair. There it met the others, until their weight was too great, and they fell, wetting the top of her traveling frock.
She watched until he was no more than a speck on the horizon, and still she watched for a minute more, her heart hoping, where her mind wouldn't allow, that he might gallop up, stop her carriage, take her in his arms, kiss her silly and then swear to find another way. The fact that he was his truest self with her meant that he couldn't be with another, not for any reason.
It was selfish, but in that brief moment she didn't care. If he had caught her carriage she would have agreed, she would have kissed him, she would have never let him go.
As the carriage swayed her along their journey, the view from the back window remained riderless. Knowing it was for the best, she turned and settled against the midnight blue velvet of the carriage seat and tried to muffle her sobs.
It was over, truly over, and she didn't think her soul could bear the pain.
Sidney Parker POV - Watching her ride away with his heart.
Sidney watched the love of his life glide away as the sun began its descent in the horizon. He dug his fist into his thigh and grit his teeth, fighting the urge to mount his horse and race toward the departing carriage.
Seeing her tear stained face through the carriage window had nearly ended him. He couldn't breathe, not properly. Air wooshed in and out of his lungs in uneven heaves as his heart beat a riot in his chest. Every fiber of his being was crying out with the injustice of the moment. It was the second time in his life that he watched a woman he wanted ride away.
Only this time was different. What he felt when Eliza married another was a drop in a well compared to how he felt at this moment, as Charlotte left him. He felt as though she took his heart with her, and the beating that raced against his ribcage was only an echo of the pain he endured when he told her of his plan to marry Eliza to save his brother. Since that moment he lived without a soul, with no heart to guide him. He was merely a shell.
The carriage disappeared and suddenly all the strength in his body left him. His legs buckled and he sank to the road. He knelt in the muddied lane on top of the clifftop and put his head in his hands while his heart bled. He wished for a small moment that things were different. He wished, his fool of a brother, had spent the money for the insurance that would have rebuilt Sanditon after the fire. He wished he had been able to propose to Charlotte, keeping her with him forever. He wished, for a painful moment, that everything was different.
He lifted his head and stared out over the green grass and found the spot where he kissed Charlotte for the first time. He closed his eyes and let the memory of that moment fill him.
The nervousness that had filled him had been so unfamiliar, so unnerving, that he spoke awkwardly, unsurely. The experience was so foreign he nearly gave up, but then she smiled sweetly and assured him that she would rather walk along the cliff top then go into town for her fitting.
He found himself confessing his infatuation with their conversation the night before. The night he told her that he didn't leave for London with Eliza, because he was his truest self when he was with her, and he wanted to stay. Once she admitted her own fascination with that moment, he knew that their lips would meet. It was inevitable. He needed to claim those lips for his, and he did.
The kiss itself was dizzying. The fresh air whipped around them in an unnoticed frenzy. The shiver up his spine had nothing to do with the wind and everything to do with the woman in his arms and what she made him feel. He knew, then and there, in that perfect moment, that he would make her his wife.
Only fate had other plans, and he was doomed to live a half-life without the part of him that made him feel alive.
Charlotte Heywood POV - I must return to Sanditon.
One Month Later
Charlotte stared out over the rolling emerald hills with a spattering of wildflowers growing throughout the expanse, but she didn't see any of the beauty. Her mind's eye was busy conjuring up the face of Sidney Parker right before he kissed her on the cliff top. It was a favorite pastime of late, remembering the flirtations of their past. It hurt to remember, but she couldn't help herself. Very little seemed to distract her at home. She pulled her eyes from the view and blinked, trying to keep herself in the present.
She looked around her family's sitting room as a blur of color and screams raced past the open doorway. Two of her siblings, she couldn't be sure which, were playing a raucous game of tag.
"Good morning, Miss Charlotte. There is a post from Mr. Parker of Sanditon." Jocelyn, their housekeeper, held out a folded and sealed parchment.
Charlotte jumped up and hurried to her. She made herself slow as she reached Jocelyn, reaching sedately for the missive with a serene smile, though every cell in her body was desperate to rip it out of her hands and race to a private corner to read Sidney's words.
"Thank you, Jocelyn."
The housekeeper nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her.
Alone, Charlotte raced to the settee and sat, loosening the seal and unfolding the letter.
Her heart sank as she read, it was from Tom Parker, not Sidney. Her heart sank deeper as she continued reading. Mary Parker was ill, very ill. Tom was entreating her to come back to Sanditon. The children were worried about their mother and only wanted Charlotte. He knew it was a lot to ask, but would she consider returning to Sanditon?
Charlotte jumped from the couch, shoved the letter in her pocket and raced to find her mother. She needed to prepare at once.
It took half a day, but she was on her way to Sanditon by lunch. Charlotte tried to let the swaying carriage soothe her anxiousness as she forced herself to relax against the deep blue velvet seat. She was at the town limits now and would soon be arriving at the Parker's residence. She didn't send word of her arrival, knowing she would arrive before the letter did. They weren't expecting her, but she didn't believe that would matter. She prayed that Mary would recover and a small part of her prayed that Sidney would not be there. Of course, another part of her prayed he would, but she pushed that part of herself down. She didn't need or want his distraction. She was in Sanditon for his brother and sister-in-law, not him.
She doubted the prayer was necessary though. He would be safely ensconced in London, with his fiancée. Though she did wonder if he had come home due to Mary's illness.
Charlotte sat up straight and raised her chin. It didn't matter even if he did. She wasn't here for him.
The carriage came to a stop at the familiar door. Not wasting any time, Charlotte descended the carriage stair and immediately knocked on the door. It opened to Tom's haggard face. His eyes lit up when they settled on Charlotte.
"Charlotte!" he cried. "You came!"
"Of course, Mr. Parker. There is no place I would rather be."
"Please come inside." He gestured wildly as he held the door open for her.
Charlotte walked past him and wondered if he had rested at all. His manner was very manic.
"How is she, Mr. Parker?"
His face fell and worry pulled the edges of his mouth down to a frown.
"She is not well, Charlotte. I must confess that I am at a loss. I do not know how to help her."
"You said in your letter that she has a high fever and terrible cough."
"Yes."
"My mother has a way with sickness and sent me with a tincture to help those very symptoms. Would you mind if I gave some to Mrs. Parker?"
"At this point, I'm willing to try anything. Please, please do, the sooner the better."
"I will, straight away."
Charlotte hurried down the hall, she didn't bother to remove her pelisse. She opened her purse and took out the bottle of medicine her mother sent and hurried into Mary's room, Tom followed and closed the door behind him.
Her friend lay amidst piles of linen. Her blonde hair matted to her head with sweat. Her eyes were closed and her breath was labored. Charlotte rushed to her side and felt her forehead. Heat saturated the contact. Quickly she set her bag down and prepared the tincture, placing several drops under Mary's tongue. Mary's face contorted with distaste. Charlotte knew from past experience that the concoction was bitter and unpalatable. She glanced at the bedside table and found an undrunk cup of tea. She added the tincture, lifted it to Mary's mouth, and coaxed her to drink. Quite out of her head, Mary didn't seem to recognize Charlotte, but sipped the tea at her lips. Once it was gone, Charlotte stayed by her side and mopped her forehead with the cloth and water next to the bed. After 20 minutes or so, Mary's breath evened a bit and she fell into a more restful sleep.
Tom stepped up next to Charlotte and placed his hand on her shoulder.
"Thank you, Charlotte," he choked, tears in his eyes. "She hasn't rested so peacefully since this dreaded sickness took hold of her."
"I am happy to be of help. It is my dearest wish that she recuperates quickly."
"With you here, that may just happen." He took her hand. "Thank you."
Charlotte nodded. "Let us leave the room so she can rest."
"Yes."
Together they left the room, closing the door quietly behind them. They started down the hall.
"I had the footman take your bags to Sidney's house."
Charlotte looked at him sharply. "Sidney's house?"
"Yes, my dear, the doctor entreated us to move the children out of the house lest they get sick. Sidney is in London and since his house is unoccupied, we have made use of it."
"That makes sense, Mr. Parker." Relief flooded through Charlotte. A part of her wanted to see Sidney, but she knew it would be a mistake.
"Thank you. I will head their straightaway to unpack, change out of my traveling clothes and see the children."
Tom nodded sadly. "I miss seeing the children, but Sidney does only live down the street, so I shall pop over when I can to see them."
"Of course, the children will love that. If you don't mind, Mr. Parker, I would like to come daily while the children nap in order to see Mrs. Parker. Would that be all right?"
"Yes, Charlotte, you must. You are our dear friend and having you nearby will only strengthen Mary. Please come when you can."
"I will, Mr. Parker."
Charlotte looked at Tom and saw that he looked distracted. In fact, his gaze continually darted over his shoulder. Taking pity on the man, she stopped and took his hand.
"Please, Mr. Parker, go check on Mrs. Parker. I can find my way to Sidney's without a problem."
"Thank you, Miss Heywood. The children will be thrilled to see you, they have missed you terribly. They will shout their excitement as soon as they see you."
"It will be the same for me," she said as she patted his arm. "I have missed them so much. Please, leave me now and be with your wife."
"Are you sure, Miss Heywood?"
"I am positive, Mr. Parker. Please go be with Mrs. Parker."
"I will. Thank you, dear, I most certainly will." He turned and hurried back to Mary's room.
Charlotte continued down the stairs and out of the house. She began her walk to Sidney's home. The sun was shining and a light breeze flirted with the curl that lay against the collar of her pelisse. She looked up to see that much of Sanditon was still in disrepair. It saddened her to see the burned-out buildings and hoped they would stand true and strong once more. She hoped Sidney's sacrifice would make it so. It would break her heart to see Tom Parker's dreams come to an end. They were such beautiful dreams and she enjoyed living in them. It was strange, she thought as she strolled, she felt more at home here, in Sanditon, than she did in Willingden, the home she had always known.
She arrived at Sidney's house and knocked. The butler opened the door.
"Hello, Miss Heywood." Radcliff, Sidney's butler, said, helping her out of her pelisse. "We have been expecting you. The children are above stairs in a makeshift schoolroom. The footman will show you to your room and then bring you to the children."
"Thank you, Radcliff, I would appreciate it."
Radcliff nodded and signaled the footmen to escort Charlotte. She followed him up the stairs. They stopped at the second door on the right.
"Mr. Parker's room is across the hall, Miss, but he is not in residence. This room will be your room." He opened the door and Charlotte walked through. The room was lovely. Soft colors of lavender and green adorned with rich furnishings. Her trunks sat against the wall; she would unpack them later. Instead she walked to the window and looked out over Sanditon. The blue sky shone bright over the familiar buildings with nary a cloud in sight. Out over the horizon, she could peek at the ocean, folding in on itself and pounding the sand. The bathing carts sat on the beach, ready to help relieve the ailments of those who wanted to bathe in the sea.
She loved this little seaside town. She realized in that moment that Sanditon truly was her home, in a way Willingden was not. Here was where her heart was, and it saddened her, because her heart was broken, but that didn't have to last. She fell in love here once before she could do it again. After all, she was surrounded by love. She loved the beach and the cliff top. She loved the parish itself and all of its inhabitants. Sanditon was unique and filled with quirky, genuine and even outspoken residents, some of which she was happy to call her friends. She loved this place, the people in it, and surely that would lend itself to heal her heart and open it to love again in the future.
She turned from the window and stepped out of the room. The footman nodded and proceeded down the hall to the last room. He opened the door to the children's makeshift schoolroom, bowed and then left.
Charlotte observed that the bedroom had been converted nicely. The bed had been removed and a table and chairs now sat in a prominent spot near a blackboard. Varying forms of distraction littered the perimeter and that is where she found the children. At the sound of the door, the children turned. Their little gazes shot to Charlotte as she stepped in.
"Charlotte!" they cried in unison, jumping up and running to her.
"Hello, darlings! Did you miss me?" Charlotte asked as she knelt and scooped them all up in her arms, hugging them tightly.
"We missed you so much!" Alecia cried, hugging her tight. Jenny and Henry followed suit and soon they were a giggling mess, each talking over the other. Finally, the excitement died down and a sad pallor settled over the group.
"Our mother is very ill," Jenny said matter of factly, though her chin quivered with the words.
"I know, Jenny, I know, but she will get stronger every day." They nodded solemnly. Charlotte exhaled and tried to lift their spirits. "Shall we go on a little outing to get some fresh air?"
They nod eagerly.
"Wonderful." She smiled at the children's governess. "Would that be all right, Miss. Naylor?"
"Of course, Miss Heywood. I was just about to suggest a stroll with the children."
Charlotte smiled and looked back at the children. "Then I have come at the perfect time, now go get your coats and such, and we will be on our way. I think a trip to the beach is just what the doctor ordered."
They scrambled for the door and Charlotte followed, smiling. She stepped into the hall and her heart stuttered, stopping her dead in her tracks. The smile melted from her face.
Sidney stood in the hall greeting the children as they hugged him. He looked wonderful as he returned the children's affections.
"We're going to the beach with Miss Heywood," Jenny sang out.
"That is wonderful, Jenny. You will have a marvelous time; I have no doubt. After all, Miss Heywood is very diverting."
They nodded happily. "Will you come with us, Uncle Sidney? Will you?"
"I'm afraid I cannot today, my little imps, but I promise to do so before I return to London."
"Yay!" The children cried before they raced off to get their jackets. The governess nodded to Sidney and followed the children down the stairs.
Sidney stood, his gaze transfixed on Charlotte, his dust covered coat swirled around his equally filthy hessians. He held his hat in his hands and his heart in his eyes.
"Charlotte." He turned the hat over and over in his hands. "Er, Miss Heywood," he corrected himself.
Charlotte swallowed hard before speaking, "Mr. Parker."
He cleared his throat.
"I didn't realize you would be here."
"Your brother asked me to come, to help look after the children. I was told you were not in residence."
Sidney nodded and gave her a sad smile.
"Of course." He shifted his stance. "I was not planning to be, but Tom sent word of Mary's illness, and I came home to see if I could be of assistance."
"That is very kind of you."
He nodded, seeming to want to say more, but no words left his lips.
"It occurs to me, Mr. Parker, that it isn't proper for me to stay at your home with you in residence."
He cleared his throat and gave a quick perfunctory raise of his lips; it was a ghost of a grin. "Of course. Yes, that did occur to me. Not to worry, Miss Heywood. I will stay at Tom's house." He raised his hand when she started to protest. "You and the children should remain here, far from the illness."
"What about you, Mr. Parker. I would not like it if you were to catch it."
His grin, still a ghost, and a sad one at that, rendered her heart in pieces. "Not to worry, Miss Heywood. I shall endeavor to stay healthy. Please do not worry on my behalf. I do not deserve it."
"Do not say such things," Charlotte demanded sharply.
"I say them because they are true. I hurt you, most grievously, and I cannot abide the pain I've caused." He moved forward within an arm's length of her. "I'm so sorry, Charlotte. I've said it before, and I say it again, because I mean it from the bottom of my soul. I wish things were different, but they are not, and it pains me to know that I have hurt you."
Charlotte swallowed back the tears that threatened her. She looked up and tried to give him a genuine smile. Though she feared her water filled eyes gave away her pain. "Mr. Parker, I do not blame you for the choice you made. Truly. It was nobly done. I will not deny that I felt pain, but I have to believe that with time, and new affection, the pain will abate, and I too will find happiness." She smiled tremulously. "You have to know that happiness is all I wish for you as well."
He nodded.
"Good. Let us be friends then." She held out her hand.
Sidney's large hand enveloped her own and his warmth spread throughout the area. It was always this way when he touched her. It was like the warmth in her body recognized the warmth in his and pooled in those areas. It did not matter where he touched her, or if her skin was bare or clothed, she always felt the warmth.
Their hands lingered a moment longer than was proper. Charlotte let go first.
"Well, Mr. Parker," she said with forced frivolity. "I will be off. The children are eager to walk on the beach, and I must admit I am eager to do the same. I missed Sanditon immensely while away, and I am so happy to have returned."
"Please, do not let me keep you, Miss Heywood. I hope you enjoy the outing."
She nodded and skirted past him to head down the stairs. Her heart ached and grew cold as she parted from him. Will it always be this way? She wondered. No. She would not let it. Today was the day that she would seek her own happiness, even at the cost of her heart, as Sidney would always hold it, but she could not live in the memory of a future that would never be. She would look forward and find happiness and a family of her own.