"Hailey, what are you doing?", Vanessa's confused face appeared from the door of her room, "Where are you going?"
"Hey", Hailey clasped her hands in the jacket she was folding, "I'm going to New York for a while…"
"New York?", Vanessa stared at her opening suitcase on her bed.
Hailey chewed her lip trying to keep a facade of calm. Her mind hadn't stopped going thousand an hour yet, not since Voight had sent her home. His screams, his eyes and the expression she read there were slowly hitting her, minute by minute. She believed she was used to the men who yelled at her, and God, she knew she was used to it, but she didn't think that in reality his words would have hit her so deeply.
"I was chosen for an FBI Task Force, I'm leaving tomorrow morning."
The smile on Vanessa's face warmed her heart. That was the moment when she wondered if Voight was really right, she had only tried to protect her. She had done what needed to be done for the people she cares about, nothing more.
"That's incredible! I've always said you're the best of us all!"
'Oh, if only you know the truth', she thought with regret.
Hailey absentmindedly nodded, packing some shirts into a suitcase, "Don't make a big deal, it'll only for a few weeks."
"You can't know that, maybe you'll get a nice proposal…"
"I won't leave Chicago", her voice came out more vulnerable than she would have liked.
"Have you told him already?", Vanessa said after a few seconds of silence and Hailey didn't even have to ask who she was referring to. If she hadn't known her well enough, in any case her gaze on the photo on her dresser would have given her a great clue about the person she was referring to.
Hailey was silent, not really knowing how to respond. She hadn't stopped to think about Jay yet, she didn't want to stop to think about him.
"Hailey, you have to tell him…please."
"I'll tell him, I'll tell him", she closed the conversation hiding her head in the closet. She couldn't think of Jay, not yet.
...
"Hey partner", Jay gave her a surprised, sleeping smile as he opened the door. She noticed his messy hair and his still sleepy eyes, then saw him adjust the sweatshirt he had obviously just worn.
"Sorry I woke you up, but…I won't stop long. I just need to talk to you for a moment…", she turned her back going to his living room. Her gaze flickered rapidly in every corner of the room as if to memorize in one last time.
She knew she was going back to Chicago, but she would also understand if Jay wanted another partner.
"Hailey, what happened?", he stared at her still in the doorway of the living room, a look of apprehension on his face.
"Luis got the deal, a year of jail…"
"Yeah, Voight called me yesterday evening. Gael has been taken."
She stood up approaching the window and staring her gaze over the roofs of the houses. She clasped her hands against the sweatshirt trying to calm her breath.
Basically she knew this moment would come, she believed she was right all this time, even while Voight yelled at her. But she knew, she knew that seeing Jay would be her end.
"Hailey, what happened?"
She saw his reflection sit on the sofa, his worried gaze planted on her back.
'The New York FBI task force is looking for an aloan officer from outside. I assigned you up.'
"Jay… I did things that… And I don't know if…", she knew she was delirious and clenched her fists against the sweatshirt.
"Tell me you didn't do what I think…", the resigned tone he had used made her goosebumps.
"I placed the two kilos of drugs in Gael's car…"
"Fuck Hailey!", he slammed his hand against the sofa angrily. Then she saw him run his hands through his hair and breathe deeply, "Okay, let me think. We have to find a way to…"
"There's nothing left to fix, Jay", her voice staggered and she felt the sting on the first tears on her eyes. She forced herself to breathe to maintain the control. He looked at her with wide eyes and, if the situation had not been so dramatic, she would have laughed because it was so strange to see him lose control.
"Voight knows, he already knows…", he stared at her in silence, his brow furrowed waiting for her to continue, "He sends me to New York, to the FBI, for a couple of weeks… my flight leaves in three hours."
And the bomb had exploded.
She saw him close his eyes in silence, run his hands along his thighs and then smile ironically. He didn't look at her anymore, he simply got up and went to the kitchen.
Hailey waited a few minutes then slowly came after him while washing some dishes.
"I'll go back to Intelligence, do you know this?", her barely audible voice over running water.
He shook his head, an ironic laugh slipped from his lips.
And if there was one thing that Hailey hated more than an angry Jay, it was an aggressive passive Jay.
"Can you say something? Please?"
"What do you want me to say, Hailey? I think Voight made the right choice."
His words were followed by heavy silence from both directions. Hailey felt slapped and stabbed at the same time. Her eyes widened, breathing deeply. Voight had done well pushing her away. Okay, of all she expected he could have said, this was definitely not that.
"What?", she snapped trying to hold back her indignation.
"It's clear the situation got out of our hands. Maybe this is the best decision, here's what I'm saying."
"It's not on you, Jay! It was my decision and…", she didn't finish talking because he threw the cloth on the table.
"The hell it's not on me! The hell! I knew that after Cameron, you weren't okay, I knew it! And I did nothing! Now do you understand why it's on me?!", the look she read in his eyes made her stagger.
She didn't expect him to blame himself, but knowing him perhaps she should have thought they would come to that.
"Jay…", she reached out to touch his forearm.
"Fuck, Hailey! You should have come to me! Damn, I'm your partner!", he slammed his hand on the table before dropping his forehead against his hands, "I'm your partner, Hailey. And you did all this alone. I can't…I don't really know what to say. We made a mistake, we were wrong…"
"I trust you…", she moaned, reaching out to him.
"You trust me but you didn't come to me! Hailey, I don't judge because I've made many questionable choices in my career and you know well, but the last time I close you out and made up all alone, I almost died. And now you go to New York, to the FBI… God, it almost seems like a joke", a bitter laugh slipped from his lips as he clutched his head in his hands.
She let some tears slide down her cheeks. The panic she had been able to control until then began to invade her so quickly that she felt suffocated.
The pain radiating from him struck her like a stormy sea.
She knew it would be difficult to talk to him, it was her first thought when the words 'New York' and 'FBI' came out of Voight's lips. But despite this, she didn't think he would blame himself so much, that he would share his pain up to that point.
"Hailey, I need you to come to me. When you come back from New York, whatever happens, you'll come to me. It'll be difficult, I know, because it was difficult for me to open up, but…you have to trust me, Hails", he gently grasped her hand resting on his forearm clutching their fingers.
She nodded, silent tears continuing to slide down her cheeks.
She should have been without him for weeks. This thought hit her so hard she gasped. She didn't want to be without him. Hell, she couldn't be without him!
"What did Voight say?", he shook her gently from her ravings.
'I don't want you to be me! That's my job. Your job is to be you! Hailey, I'm starting to wonder if you can do it.'
She breathed deeply, "He…believes that I no longer know where the limits are not to be overcome… I…", her voice broke in front of his downcast look. And in that exact moment, she realized she had made a mistake. She had done everything wrong. And Voight was right, "What if I couldn't distinguish right from wrong anymore? What if it's really too late for me?"
"Hailey…", he got up dragging her with him, wrapped an arm around her shoulders while the other took her neck bringing it towards him, "These are bullshit and you know it. It's not too late. If it's too late for you, it's too late for me. And you wouldn't allow, would you?"
She replied shaking her head against his sweatshirt.
"Hails, this is our little army of two and I'll follow you anywhere, anytime, no matter what."
"Sounds like a promise…", she mumbled against his chest.
"I didn't think I've had to specified it", he grinned shaking her, "Now, this is the plan: go to New York, show everyone you're the best and when you come back we'll start catching bad guys together again, okay?"
She wrapped her arms around his torso and inhaled deeply.
Part of her would have liked to stay there and smell all his perfume to stock it for the next weeks. It was unreal, she knew that. But the simple idea of facing the days without him by her side made her sick.
"I'll go back to Chicago. Give me time to come back and I won't go anywhere. I'll only go where you go, with our army of two. This is my promise."
"I know Hails, I know", he whispered squeezing her harder.
She broke up from his hug going to retrieve her jacket and backpack. She clenched her jaw tightly to avoid starting to cry again, but when she met his gaze she could no longer restrain herself.
She knew it wasn't all right for him, she had managed to hear the thrill in his voice several times every time he talked about New York. She knew her departure and her entire behavior from Cameron to Darius Walker to get to Gael were hitting him more than she would have liked. And she also knew he would not show her this side because, after all, it was her who was leaving, it was her who had been reassigned.
But all this didn't take away from the fact that the look in his eyes almost canceled her, because disappointing him was the last thing she wanted to do in life.
She had lived the last few years aspiring to become the cop he was, instead she managed to do just the opposite.
He, who carried his heart in his hands and stubbornly resolved the situations that were closed to him, would have never come to create false evidence.
And now she had to leave for weeks, abandon her life, her routine, her job. Their job…
"Please, don't get shot…", her voice broke at the thought of not being there having his back, "Don't be a superhero, don't jump in front of bullets and don't sacrifice yourself for anyone, okay?"
"It will be alright, Hailey. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here, no bullets, no superhero", he reached out in her direction waiting for her to join him.
"I'm sorry Jay, I did everything wrong…"
"We've already gone this road, nothing has changed for me. I did many wrong things too and you are still here. Now go or you'll miss your flight. Show the FBI what you're made of!", he gently pushed her out the door of his apartment.
"You'll miss me, won't you?", Hailey asked him with a smirk regaining a semblance of control of her emotions.
"You'll miss me more. See you soon, partner", he smiled at her again and slowly let go of her hand.
Her gaze lingered a few more seconds on him, then turned slowly walking down the corridor and leaving his tormented eyes behind her. She remembered those eyes, he had them for months and always because of New York and the FBI.
She would have missed him, but he was right: she had to go and solve her problems.
And then she would come back. And he would have been there waiting for her, because one sure thing about Jay Halstead was that he always kept his promises.
Hi guys!
Here I am back with a new Upstead story!
I admit that the last episode of ChicagoPD left me quite upset. Tracy and Jason Beghe have been absolutely crazy, formidable.
But, come on, wait until next year for Upstead? I don't think I agree.
And I'm not even that confident for next season, I hope they don't make Hailey fall into a spiral... RISE AND SHINE, DETECTIVE UPTON!
And I keep thinking that poor soul of Halstead deserves a joy! Instead he doesn't even see it from afar!
Bye, H.