Alternate title: The Author Projects Their Hardcore Love For Cured Salted Meats Onto Fictional Characters
Usual disclaimers apply, as I hoped we assumed they always do
"So, what is it you boys are doing on this fine Tuesday evening?"
Jason jumped. Then he swore and scrambled to catch the sheet-wrapped rectangle while Tim strained to delay the fall from his end, beneath the judging eyes of Damian and Stephanie.
"Hi, Steph," Dick chirped from the front of the little convoy.
"Hi Dick." She crossed her arms and leaned on the doorway to one of the manor's dens, where the TV continued to flash at her back Cass slumped over the arm of the couch, fast asleep. "Hi everyone else, because I'm not rude. Want to tell me what's going on?"
"Hi, Steph." Tim gave a shaky laugh. "It's just a little project we've got going on. Nothing to worry about, promise."
"Right. All of you, who usually end up attempting murder on one another whenever you spend more than five minutes in one place, together."
Damian scowled from behind the covered canvas, both hands braced to keep it from hitting the wall. "It is indeed a mere project, and one you need not concern yourself with, Brown. Do not inform anyone of our activities." Dick coughed. "...Please."
"I dunno, kiddo." A smirk tugged at the corner of Steph's lip, and she clapped. "You're not really giving me any great reasons. If you're all playing nice for once, I'm sure B and Alfred both would love to hear all about it." Her grin grew. "Why, I bet Cass would be so hurt to hear her brothers left her out!"
"Why you—"
"I've got this, guys." Jason raised a hand. "You aren't gonna tell anybody anything."
Her eyebrow rose. "Oh? Why not?"
"Because," Jason said, "I have about two kilograms worth of thinly sliced high quality prosciutto sitting in my fridge with your name on it if you keep quiet."
His brothers watched in awe as the smile dimmed and her eyes narrowed. "You're bluffing."
Jason, without breaking eye contact, tugged a ziplock from his pocket and tossed it to her. "Am I?"
No one breathed. Jason and Stephanie glared, long and hard, daring the other on. Then she pulled the bag open and gave the cured meat inside a try.
"...I heard and saw nothing." Steph nodded to the boys. "But you better be ready when word gets out anyway."
"We'll get that when it comes to it."
"Hey, your problems and funerals, not mine." She turned back into the room and shut the door with a click.
"Nice thinking, little wing!" Dick slapped Jason on the shoulder.
Tim squinted. "Why did you have that in your pocket?"
"Because I'm brilliant and plan ahead for things like this?" he suggested. Damian glared. "...also it was supposed to be my snack for later, sue me. But hey, we all gotta make sacrifices some time or another, and it's not like I paid out of pocket for the stuff. C'mon, let's get while the going's good. I don't have any more lunch meats to buy people's silence with."
Steph listened to the boys bustle off with their cargo before she turned and popped another paper-thin roll of prosciutto. Cass sat up, met her gaze and reached out.
"Gimme," she said, wiggling her fingers.
"Only if you promise to share."
"Don't need to, you'll have lots more."
"Like you aren't gonna steal some of that too, you little goblin." She clutched the bag closer to her chest. Cass stuck her tongue out.
"Fine, I'll be nice." She snatched the prosciutto out of the air while Steph flopped beside her and rewound the movie. "Mm. Good meat."
An answering groan. "So good. I'm gonna be spoiled by the time I run out."
"Worth not telling?"
"Totally. You gonna rat them out?"
"Nah." The two shared a grin. "Bet I don't have to."
"Probably not." Cass passed the bag back over, other hand already filled. Steph pulled out a slice of her own and lifted it in a mock-toast. "Doesn't matter to me, as long as Jason pays up."
"Hear hear!"