The Dream -

It's unfair how beautiful he is.

I never seem to get tired of having him around, even as he lays asleep in my bed there is no where I would rather be. Sora—the boy who by all accounts should have never been friends with me, whether it was fate or a well-priced market, we have been neighbors since birth. Two boys stuck in such proximity, no matter how different, we're bound to spend all their time together.

He's possibly the only person I've ever loved.

I don't even mean purely romantically. I mean loved. Period.

Which sucks because he doesn't love me back. Not like that. Not like I want him to.

It doesn't help that Sora is touchy. He was never raised with the idea that being affectionate takes away from his masculinity. He has no problem hugging me as a greeting or snuggling next to me on the couch—even now as we lay together, he's nestled into the crook of my arm, under my chin, where he fits. He's kicked all the covers to the end of the bed. It's just us, flush together with only our clothes and the night breeze to accompany us.

I softly run my fingers through his hair, down his arms, over his hands, but I go no further. I want to, which is a problem. I could. Sora trusts me. I've pictured it many, many times. Stealing a kiss from someone who would never know.

And that's the second problem I would want him to know. I'd want him to kiss me back.

There's a third problem. The one that probably should have been first on this list. Sora has a girlfriend, a cheeky girl who cheerleads at his Blitzball games. Pretty, spunky, and someone Sora loved the moment she moved to the islands. It wasn't easy to share him; it hasn't gotten any easier.

Kairi came to the islands when we were about ten, moving into the house next to Sora—him always sandwiched between us. Then she started tagging along, came to play on the island, was included in our adventures—ones where I was the villain, Sora the brave knight, and Kairi the princess waiting to be rescued.

Did I know I was in love with him back then?

I had no idea.

The love I had for him had manifested my whole life and when I realized it, it blindsided me. Every time Sora would so much as look at Kairi my jealousy would flare up. Every time they would laugh together, every time they barely touched, every time I found them alone.

I tried to make sure they we're never alone.

But nothing I did stopped them from becoming a couple in my junior year.

We saw each other a lot less that year, what with the happy couple flaunting their in-love-ness and me not being able to stomach it. Don't get me wrong. Kairi is one of my closest friends, and I kind of hate her.

I deluded myself that year, given enough time Sora would have chosen me, right? Given enough time. I think even then I knew it wasn't true, and I didn't dare risk our friendship by telling him the truth.

It's my nightly routine to pretend in these late hours that Sora is mine and mine alone. That when the sun rises and when Sora rises with it, he would kiss me on his way out.

The fantasies must be kept PG, sometimes forcefully, even if I could blame my state on morning wood. Sora would laugh and understand—I'd caught him with the same after all.

In a way I hated him for being so beautiful. Hated his perfectly sun kissed skin, unruly hair, and soft heart shaped features. Hated the contrast between us with my long silver hair, pale skin, and angular face. Hated the universe for making my perfect match wholly unattainable. I must have been a real dick in a past life.

I run a finger down his nose and then down over his mouth.

The ache is back, the want that festers just won't heal. I miss something I've never had. I miss Sora who is, right now, in my arms. Four A.M. I have two more ours of make believe before Sora must go to school.

I hold him closer to me.

Sora suddenly arches his back and pushes his body closer to mine. I flinch away on instinct, thinking I've woken him, or that he's having a violent nightmare. It's then that I feel it.

He is not having a nightmare.

His breath is short and heavy and directly in my ear, every part of him is pushing into me as if he's trying to crawl into my skin.

I can't move in fear that I will wake him. I've never seen him like this, so flushed. Lips delicately parted. Making these little gasps and moans that send heat directly to my core.

It has got to be a sex dream, got to be, and a pretty intense one. It's almost at its end, nearing its climax. His heart, his hands, his body, mimicking the actions of his dream, which is to hold onto me for dear life. To grind his pelvis into my hip.

His face is one I try to commit to memory, shamefully so I can use it for my own purposes later, because I don't believe that I will ever see it again. I've always tried to imagine it, based on Sora's moments of happiness. This wasn't like that. Sora is wound tight, tied up in pleasure, in sweet agony.

Then it happens.

Sora cums.

Right in my arms and as he arches his back he speaks. "Riku," he whines, and it is the sexiest way I have ever heard my name.

Then his eyes open, murky, blinking as if unsure of where he is, and then he smiles up at me so slow and so sweet.

I'm so hard I could nut on the spot.

"I'll go start you a shower." I say, needing to do anything other than stay in bed so he can feel my bodies reaction. Sora's face twists up in exaggerated fear.

"Did I just…?"
I don't let him finish. I bolt to the bathroom. I start the shower and without anything else to do I will myself to calm down, but it doesn't work. I keep hearing my name. Over and over. My name passing through Sora's lips as his orgasms. Maybe I was asleep.

I don't wake up, so instead I adjust making sure nothing is visible in my shorts.

"Hey." I jump, turning to see in the doorway. Still red, still mussed from sleep.

"Rinse off. I'll get you some clothes."

"Riku," That's the way I was used to him saying my name. "I'm really sorry…I didn't mean to."

I put my hands up. My nervousness is making him feel guilty. "Its cool. You haven't seen Kairi in a while, right? Hopefully tomorrow night you can release some of that…energy."

"Right." He says, somewhat dejectedly.

I squeeze one of his hands. "Its fine, Sora."

"Okay."

I leave before he strips to get into the shower. I return with spare boxers and a T-shirt and leave them on the counter. Sora has a drawer in my apartment for when he spontaneously stays the night and as comical and cute it is to put him in my clothes, I didn't have the will power to deal with that tonight.

I have a spare matrass somewhere in the apartment. It doesn't take long to find it.

While I'm blowing it up Sora comes back into the room. "What is that noise?" and is stopped by me, on the floor, and the matrass I'm blowing up with the electric pump. "What are you doing?"

Making sure that I don't fall asleep next to you, so you won't be able to feel my wet dream. "Making another bed."

"Yeah. Okay. Why?"

"To give us more room to sleep."

Sora pouts and sits on the edge of the bed and watches me fit a sheet, he reaches out a foot and pokes me with his big toe. "Riku. Did I say something weird?"

I look at his mouth and remember the way he said my name. "Between all the gasps and moans?" I tease him, trying to be normal and not completely freaked out.

Sora blushes, appalled. "It wasn't that bad."

"You we're pretty loud."

"Oh my god. Please kill me."

I lay a spare blanket and steal a pillow from my side of the bed. "Turn off the light."

Sora frowns at me but does as he's told and gets into bed. After a while of silence, he sits up. "This is stupid. We've always slept in the same bed!"

I pretend to be asleep.

"Riku don't ignore me."

Silence. I even out my breathing.

"You snore."

That really makes me laugh. I can't help it. "Sora you have an hour before school. Go back to sleep."

"Fine." He says and grabs his pillow before joining me on the air matrass.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to sleep." He says stubbornly. "Like you told me to. Goodnight."

Sora wiggles making the air matrass jump eventually he settles. I am very careful not to touch him. I don't need any reason to remember hearing him say my name like that, to do or say something that I can't take back. I have spent so much time and put in so much effort to make sure I am always perfectly cool, that my emotions are all in a line. Actions planned, methodical, cold.

That I am in control, especially when Sora is close to me.

"Riku," he says again. Could he stop saying my name? "You're acting really weird. Does it gross you out that bad?"

"No of course not, dude. Its fine. Just weird. That's all. You'll get it all out of your system tomorrow."

"Yeah, right." Sora's quiet for a moment. "But Riku…"

"Sora, please go to sleep. You have school soon and we stayed up really late."

"Okay mom."

I sigh and sit up; this isn't working, we might as well go into the living room and put the T.V. on at least then I'd have something else to pay attention to.

Sora grabs the back of my shirt. "I'm kidding. Lay down. You're the one who never sleeps."

"That's not true."

"Have you slept yet tonight?" I don't answer. "That's what I thought. If you need me to leave…I will."

"Leave?"

"Yeah. Leave. So, you can sleep."

"Do you want to leave?"

"Only if you'll sleep better."

"I won't."

"I'm confused." He says cutely. "I'll sleep here, you take the bed." He pushes me. "I'm still in high school. You'll sleep longer."

Sora hated that I was a year older than him and therefore in college without him. 'I feel like I never see you' Even though with me getting my own apartment we spend much more time alone. 'You're having all the freshmen experiences without me' Which simply wasn't true, but I was glad to be out of high school and I think in a small way Sora took that personally, as if I was be glad to be getting time away from him. He could feel be trying to distance myself from him.

He pushed me again. "Go."

I'm really to worn out to argue with him and I do what he says to both of our surprise. Sora seems dejected when I choose to be in the bed alone, but I'm delirious. Why would he care? I must have also imagined him saying my name. That's the only way that could have happened, that it didn't happen at all. My fantasy creeping into real life. My wishful thinking. My hope finding new ways to make me lonelier.

I lay down and pull the covers up around my body. I sleep alone enough that this shouldn't be weird, being in bed without him, but it is.

"You're right. This is stupid." I say, Sora springs up like a puppy.

"Scoot," he motions me over.

He's not in the crook of my arm but with him next to me I fall to asleep almost instantly.

Not long after I hear the blare of the alarm and feel soft fabric being placed around me.

Not long after that I turn back toward the clock. One P.M. If I don't get up now, I'll be late for class. My phone chimes. 'Get up! Get up! Get up!' from Sora.

'Okay, mom.' I reply.

He only sends me a vomiting emoji. What a stupid little thing to make me laugh. I really need to hurry up and fall in love with someone else.

~.~

Once Upon a Dream ~ Lana Del Ray