AUTHORS NOTE:
I apologize in advance for any grammatical error or weird sayings as my first language is not English. I have had this idea for years and have slowly written it now and then. I'm a paramedic but haven't studied in the US so I'm not sure how the whole school thing works out there. I have used some of my own school's examples, tests etc. I lived in New York for two years few years ago so I have tried using the memories from there for places and so on. I'd really appreciate feedback!
The texts started coming 3 weeks ago. I had no idea who was sending them so at first I thought someone had gotten a wrong number.
"How are you?" "Did you have a nice day?" and so on.
I didn't get messages every day, only now and then. And the texts always came from different numbers. I ignored them, until 5 days ago I got a message with picture attached to it. The picture was of me coming out of school that day. That was when I started getting scared. "You looked beautiful, I'll be making you mine soon". I hadn't gotten any messages after that one, for which I was happy about, kind of. I didn't know what I would do.
*Beep* 1 new message. I was startled by my phone informing me of a new message. I had been reading A thousand splendid suns- book, which was one of my favorite books of all time. I got out of my bed and slowly walked to my table on where my phone laid. I didn't want to open it, I wanted to ignore it. 'Okay, it could be from Nick as well. Just look what it says and panic then' I said to myself. I took a deep breath and opened my phone. "You'll be having some fun with me soon ;)". I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. With shaking hands, I wrote back. "Who is this?"
Not even a minute passed when my phone chirped with a text, again from a different number. "You don't know me but I know you."
"How?" I typed
"You'll learn soon enough" and with that text was a picture attached. I opened it and gasped. It was a photo of my bedroom window.
Now I was really scared. Who the hell was this person and how in the world had he got my number as it was supposed to be secret because of my uncle's work.
I was living with my uncle who worked for NYPD special victims unit. I had been living with him for 6 years now, since I was 13. He was very protective of me as I was his only niece and he didn't have any children of his own yet. I knew he would probably flip if he found out someone was stalking me. He wouldn't let me walk alone anymore, he might even hire a bodyguard for me. He was still at work, having been working a difficult case with his unit for weeks now. It was almost 11 pm and I was supposed to get ready for bed, but I wasn't sleepy, not anymore. I needed my uncle but I was scared of his reaction. Nick Amaro was known for his protective nature and for caring for the victims, his co workers and me. But sometimes his over protectiveness caused him to lose his temper. No, I wouldn't worry him about some random person who was messing up with me. But should I tell someone, and who that someone could be?
I didn't really have a best friend, not my age, anyway. I did have friends I studied and sometimes hang out with, but mostly I was alone. I enjoyed it but moments like this I wished I had a best friend I could rely on. I guess I just wasn't that interesting person, I didn't like partying or drinking which was considered odd by all my school peers. I preferred reading and travelling and doing sports. I had done figure skating from age 3 to 12 and then picked up martial arts. I now had black belts in kickboxing, brazilian jiu-jitsu and taekwondo. I had no best friend to talk to and telling Nick was not an option. I scrolled down my contacts on my phone when it chirped again.
*bling* 1 new message
My heart was racing when I opened the message.
"Good night, my angel".
I had made a decision.
I woke up at 6am next morning, having slept only for couple of hours. Uncle Nick had come home around 2am and I had stayed up until then. He looked me funny when I was still up and I lied to him, saying I had been reversing for a test. We chatted briefly and bid a good night. My sleep was restless and I dreamed of a faceless man who kept walking behind me.
I didn't go to my usual 6 mile morning run but instead, dressed up, brushed my hair and left. I looked both ways, saw no one and walked to the nearest bus station. I didn't have to wait for long until the bus came. I hopped on and sat far behind so I could see anyone who boarded the bus.I knew I was being paranoid but I couldn't help myself. The sender had seriously freaked me out. 30 minutes later I got off of the bus and was standing in front of the 16th precinct.
Captain Olivia Benson was waiting for me outside and waved at me when she saw me departing the bus. I sighed and was relieved to see her. I had texted her last night and asked her to see me early in the morning. She had agreed without asking any questions. I had known her for about 6 years and she was closest to mother figure I had in my life.
I greeted her by hugging tightly and she hugged me back. I instantly felt safer.
We took the elevator to the 3rd floor and she guided me to her office. I had spent many hours in this unit, usually waiting for my uncle. I knew his co workers, detective, Amanda Rollins, sergeant Fin Tutuola and detective Sonny Carisi very well. I loved them like family and I knew they cared for me very much. We often got together for lunch or dinner, with Olivia's kid Noah and the district attorney Rafael Barba joining us as well.
"Do you want to sit in a couch or in a chair?", Olivia asked me. I chose the couch because sitting in a chair would make me feel like I was being integrated.. Olivia sat next to me and looked at me but didn't say anything nor did she pressure me telling her why I wanted to see her so early.
I swallowed and looked into her motherly eyes. I knew she would help me.
"I'm very sorry I wanted to see you this early and didn't give you enough sleep. And also for taking you away from Noah, I know he doesn't get to see you as much as he would like... and I kinda feel stupid now but I just have to tell someone about this or I'll go crazy", I babbled.
I had started to twitch my fingers which was a sign I was getting anxious. Olivia scooped closer to me and took my hands into her warm and reassuring hands.
"Nonsense, I got home early last night. Being a boss has its benefits and Noah gets to see me so much that he's probably getting tired of me already". She said smiling.
The smile reached her eyes so I knew she was telling the truth. I could trust her. I had to trust her. Reluctantly I took my hands off of her warm embrace and dig my phone from my pocket. I opened it and gave it to her.
"I started getting these text messages 3 weeks ago. I didn't think much of them at first because they were innocent enough. I just thought someone had gotten wrong number by mistake because I'm supposed to have a secret number. But then few days ago the tone of the messages changed". Silent tears had started streaming down my face, I didn't realize how scared I actually was.
Olivia looked at my phone and her face grew serious. I could tell she was thinking hard. After she had read all the texts, she put the phone on the table and embraced me once again.
"Oh honey, no wonder you are scared. Anyone would be". She had started rocking me back and forth, and I let her. It had been years since I was hugged by my mother and I missed it a lot.
"Have you told about these to your uncle?", she asked me.
"No, because I'm scared of her reaction... and I don't want to worry him", I answered quietly.
Olivia released me, looked at me and smiled a little.
"I understand your concerns but I think it'd be good if you told him. Or we can tell together, how about that? I'm going to make some calls and find out who this bastard is. What do you say if we tell the squad about this too, that way we can all protect you?".
She was in full boss mode already. I idolized her very much. She had been through some rough times in her life as well but she had turned them into energy and was willing to help anyone who came to her.
"Is it that serious that the whole squad must know? Maybe I'm just overreacting and this is just some random person trying to make me go crazy again". I tried to sound relaxed but failed miserably. Now that I had told the boss, there was no turning back.
"But we still need to figure out how the person has gotten your number. And the squad will eat me alive if I don't tell them that you may have stalker. They do care deeply about you, you know that right", she said, lightly smiling.
I nodded while looking at my arms. The last time I hid something big inside me, it almost killed me and I still got scars to prove it.
"Yeah, I know. But can you tell them? I'm not sure I'm able to...' " I said to her. She nodded and hugged me tightly again. "Of course. Don't worry, we won't let anything bad happen to you", she said.
The rest of the squad arrived at 9am. I had informed my professors I wasn't going to attend today's lessons for personal reasons. I was studying to become a paramedic and if everything went according to my plan, I would finish school next year.
I sat in Olivia's office anxiously, my heart racing like crazy. All the scary scenarios were racing through my mind. I was mostly scared of Nick's reaction but also of what Olivia would find out about the 'stalker'.
The anxiety and panic were raising their heads, the way too familiar feeling of being out of control of situations. What if this person wanted me dead? What if he or she would kill Nick or any member of the squad? Did I have to keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life? What if I was hallucinating? Again? But no, that was not the case because Olivia had seen the messages as well.
I could feel my breathing fastening, my chest tightening. I could only breath quick and shallow. I could feel my head starting to spin, my hands going numb and my lips tingling. The panic attack was almost in full mode when the office's door opened.
"Oh my god, Ellen!" Amanda had walked in to witness my panic attack. The blonde detective didn't hesitate to act and grabbed a paper bag that she found on her boss' table, sat down next to me and gave it to me.
As I was breathing in to the bag, she was soothing me and circling my back. "Oh, sweetheart, what has got you so upset about? Or has it something to do why Olivia has asked us all come in to her office in ten. She said it was kind of important but didn't say anything else." Amanda talked to me while I was trying to get my breathing evened out.
The bag trick was helping, it had helped me many times before. I could still feel my heart racing but it was slowing down, luckily. I didn't feel faint anymore. I stopped breathing in the brown bag Amanda had gotten me, took couple of deep breaths and closed my eyes. I opened them and instead of looking at Amanda, I looked at my arms where many of my previous anxiety attacks were marked.
"Sorry.. I didn't mean you to see it. I didn't mean it to happen...I'm..." I didn't get to finish the sentence, when Amanda she basically crushed me with her hug, even though she was about my size.
"Hey hey little one, don't ever apologize for that, there is no need! I'm here to help if you need me" she hugged me once more before releasing me. I smiled sadly at her and nodded.
"Thanks". I had just dried my eyes and made myself presentable enough when Fin, Carisi and my uncle stepped in to the office with Olivia. Nick spotted me and quirked an eyebrow before walking to me.
"What are you doing here, Ellen? Aren't you supposed to be at school?" he asked me curiously.
"I... I needed to talk to Olivia about something and she thought we should tell you all." I mumbled.
Nick was still looking at me, and I could see the worry increasing in his face. He slowly turned to Olivia as if waiting for her to spill.
"Ellen texted me last night that she wanted to meet me in the morning. She has just told me that someone has been sending her text messages and pictures of her. But the thing is she doesn't know who this person is and what she or he is up to."
Olivia paused for a moment and looked at me. She had passed my phone to everyone. I could see that Amanda, Fin and Carisi were all very tense and alarmed. I was scared to look at my uncle because I could feel him shaking next to me.
"I already have people tracking down the numbers the messages came from and no threats have been made. We can only wait until we get the results from tech." she told us all.
"Why didn't you tell me about this?" Nick looked at me, and I could sense a little bit of anger in his voice. Tears started to form in my eyes as I answered him
"I'm so sorry, I thought they were sent to wrong number first. But when the pictures of me started coming, that's when I got kind of scared.." I told them.
"Don't you worry kiddo, we'll get this bastard and teach him or her a lesson. No one messes up with the 6th member of our squad", Fin said as he came to me and gave me a big hug. I felt better now that I had told them.
We discussed whether I should have a police car drop me off and pick up from school but I declined the offer. I was after all a world champion in 3 different martial arts. But even though I was able to pass the police car security, there was nothing I could do to pass Nick's orders to be home by 9pm and always answer the phone. I nodded in agreement before giving him a big hug.
The squad went back to work and I decided to go to library to do some school work. I was having a test about heart function next week and I still needed to read couple books.
I was home by 6.30pm after having been in the library the whole afternoon. I had also stopped by at the grocery store to buy ingredients for home made lasagna. Nick had texted me that he would be home by 7pm.
I was still cooking when there was a knock on the door. My heart started to race up and I slowly walked to the door. I peeked through the lens on the door but I couldn't see anything. I could feel myself sweating, having no idea what to do. I had no desire to open the door, and if it was Nick, he would either be directly in front of the door or use his key. I backed up from the door all the way to the living room and just as I was getting my phone out of my pocket, I heard the door opening.
"Ellen!" Something slammed in to my body. I glanced down and saw Noah there hugging my legs.
He looked up and grinned at me. "I missed you" he said smiling.
"Aww buddy, I missed you too!"
My breathing was slowing down and I was chastising myself inside my head. 'Stupid Ellen, there is no reason to be so damn scared'
I heard chatting noises from the front door and soon Nick and Olivia came to the living room. They both smiled and greeted me at the same time. I greeted them back and smiled, but I was sure my panic was still visible in my face because Nick quirked an eyebrow at me and looked at me questioningly.
I shuddered at him and shook my head.
"I hope Noah didn't scare you, he was running in front of us and we told him to ring the bell. I guess you didn't hear it because I had to use the key?" Nick asked.
"Mmh yeah I was in the kitchen cooking and didn't hear a thing" I answered him. He was still looking at me funny but didn't say anything.
Noah had found some toys that I kept here for him and was playing with them in my room.
"Mmm it smells good in here, have you cooked your famous home made lasagna?" Olivia asked after checking on Noah.
"Yeah, luckily I always make so much food that I could feed an army" I laughed She and Nick helped me set up the table.
"Noah can play because he has already eaten with the nanny" Olivia told me. I took the lasagna out of the oven and placed on the table.
"How was work" I asked them both. We had been eating quietly for a while and I needed to hear all the news.
"It was good actually, we finished a complicated case and were able to hand it to Barba." Nick said.
I looked at them both, waiting for.. something.
"Well, do I have stalker? Does someone think I'm famous or rich? Do I need to increase my insurance money?" I tried to joke but neither of them laughed. They were both quiet. Okay this can't be good, I thought.
"Well, the tech was able to track down the number. Or numbers, actually. Even though the numbers were unknown, all the texts were sent from different numbers as you knew already. All the numbers were registered to different people. We checked the people and no one has used their phone recently nor even been near New York City in the past year." Nick said and looked at me sadly.
He had taken my hands to his and sighed. "We'll do everything we can to protect you. If you get anymore messages, don't hesitate to come to any of us." He continued. Olivia had stayed silent but I could tell she was worried as well.
"I got scared before. When Noah rang the bell and I couldn't see him. And today at the unit, I had a panic attack. Amanda witnessed it." I hung my head as I told them this.
"It's perfectly normal to be scared and get jumpy. And don't be ashamed of having panic attacks. Just say how we can help, and we will" Olivia said reassuringly and such warm in her voice that my eyes welled up again.
Olivia and Nick offered to clean up the table and I went to see Noah. He was still playing in my room and I asked him if I could join his play with cars. We played for an hour or so before Olivia had to take Noah home. Before they left, I gave Noah a big kiss and made a promise to him that I would be coming to play with him soon.
I was already in bed, writing in a journal, something I picked up when I was in therapy. Whenever I felt like I was losing the control, I started to write about my feelings, emotions, happenings in my life. It gave me something else to think about and put my mind into.
I was so in deep of thought that I didn't hear Nick had entered my room.
"Krhm, can I come in?"
I gasped and dropped my pen.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you", he said.
I picked up my pen from the floor and put my journal and pen away on my night stand.
"It's okay, I was lost in my writings. Come on in". I made room for him on my bed as he sat next to me.
"How was your day after you left the unit?" he asked me.
I smiled at him and answered.
"Boring, I stayed in the library for the afternoon and then came home".
He looked at me oddly again and I knew he was trying to say something. Talking had never been easy to either of us, especially about feelings.
He took a deep breath.
"I'm worried for you. It kills me that I don't know who this sick bastard is. I wish I could do more for you". He looked very pained so I gave him a hug.
"I trust you and the whole squad. I promise to be careful and will contact any of you if I hear or see something unusual, okay?" I tried to reassure him. I looked up to him in the eyes and it was like watching my late father's eyes.
My biological father, Julian Amaro, was his brother but he passed away when I was only 4. My dad was a drug dealer and he was shot by a police. He never used drugs himself but he was one of the city's biggest mule back in time. The police found a big drug lord hiding in one of the prospects and my dad happened to be with him, about to go sell speed. The boss was arrested, and my father was going to surrender but a police trainer got scared and shot my dad fatally. Even though he was a dealer, he never did that at our house nor did he bring any of the buyers near me.
My uncle had just started at John Jay academy to become a police officer when the shooting took place. He too was questioned about his older brother's whereabouts but he had had no idea what had been going on in my dad's life.
I was raised by my mother and occasionally by my uncle and grandmother when my mother would need help babysitting if she had to work night shifts at hospital. When I was 12 years old, she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and died when I had just turned 13. When she first got diagnosed, I didn't tell anyone, not even to my uncle or grandmother.
I wanted to protect her and them, I guess. I took care of my mother but eventually it got too much for me when her condition worsened. I became depressed and anxious. I couldn't focus on school because I was so tired and so scared for my mother.
My grades would drop and I started to beat myself over it. I had these thoughts on my mind that I wasn't enough, that I couldn't even care for my mother after all she had done for me, that I couldn't even get good grades, that I was stupid and not enough. When the anxiety and panic got too much, I picked up self-harming. It made me feel less anxious and controlled once again, but I knew it was not a good thing to do. But I just didn't know how else to deal with everything.
My mother thought I had told my father's family about her, she thought I would be taken care of after her death but I couldn't bear the thought of her dying.
Then one night, just a day before I turned 14, I had to call an ambulance to our home because my mother had difficulty breathing and high fever. She was barely conscious. She was taken to the hospital and to the ICU. I didn't leave her side unless I had to use the bathroom. She had signed a DNR which meant that if her heart stopped, they would not perform CPR. The nurses and doctors tried to get me eat something but I refused to leave my mother's bedside. Eventually they let it go and a nurse would bring me food in the room, and it was up to me if I ate or not.
The staff had asked me if I had any family members they could contact and I lied to them that I had already contacted my uncle but he was working abroad. For some reason they believed me and never contacted CPS nor my uncle. I still feel bad lying to my family but it was my way of dealing with everything.
After spending 4 days in the ICU, my mother slipped into coma. On the 5th day, she passed away.
I don't remember much of that day, but some of the events have stayed in my mind. After I left the hospital, I didn't go home, I didn't want to return to the empty apartment. I strolled down the streets of New York City, going nowhere in particular. I only stopped to hit a wall when the sadness got too much. I had wandered the whole evening and well into night when I was stopped by a police car. They asked me why I was so late out. I was drained, my knuckles were bleeding and I had tears streaming my face. I only said one thing to the officers.
"Please, take me to my uncle Nick Amaro".
The rest is history and after that night I had been living with him. He never judged me for not telling anyone about my mother's sickness nor for me suffering from mental illness. He drove me to my therapy, sometime took part in my sessions and always listened to me. He also visited me in the hospital every day when I had to be sectioned for 2 weeks about 8 months after my mother had passed away. I hadn't been eating nor going to school for couple of weeks and after telling him I had seen my mother in my room, he took me to his friend, forensic psychiatrist and FBI special agent George Huang. Dr Huang was also part of the NYPD and he sectioned me. I got medication and my therapy sessions were upped to 2 times a week.
So here we were, in my bedroom.
"Thank you Nick for taking such good care for me. I guess I have never really thanked you. And I'm sorry for everything I have put and continue putting you through" I mumbled. I didn't know why I felt like saying this, but it felt good to say it out loud.
Nick hugged me even tighter.
"I'll do anything for you, you know that, right? You just keep yourself safe and that's enough for me.
He ruffled my hair before departing my bedroom. I got under the blankets and closed my eyes.