Contact

by Ember Glass

"Touch has a memory."― John Keats

A/N:Takes place 3 years after the birth of Ellie (2023). For the sake of the story Tracy dies in 2021 not 2024. Barney and Robin divorced in 2017. Ted/Robin in the beginning but this is a Swarkles fic.

Contact

"Touch has a memory."
― John Keats

Robin remembers simpler times. Easy laughter after sex, horrible jokes at candlelit dinners, smoldering looks across campfires…

She's been divorced for three years now. It gets easier, she keeps telling herself, it has to. He isn't in her life anymore. Now it's just her, with Marshall and Lily and Ted (who is still mourning the loss of his wife). Her ex-husband is long gone. With a kid that he's probably ruined and a stripper for a wife (fate does eventually come for people. She's sure it was always his destiny).

Her life is better without him in it. Three years she's traveled the globe, slept with gorgeous men that can't be found in New York City, drank till she saw stars and danced till the sun rose.

She wooed, she partied, she lived.

Originally, her plan had been to leave the group, but Barney graciously did that for her, leaving her to keep their friends and him to womanize freely with no judgement. The went their separate ways and it's a good thing.

That's the idea she tells herself at least when she sleeps at night.

Barney was never meant to be married, she thinks, as she sits at MacLaren's, waiting for the group to join. God, she's been doing a lot of thinking of her ex-spouse. Suppose that's what three years of marriage does and a disappointment for being divorced in your thirties.

Ted joins her then, relieving her of reminiscing about a failed marriage and her resume of poorly constructed relationships and the inability to ever truly fall in love.

She wants what Lily and Marshall have, or what Ted and Tracy had. A simple, unconditional love with someone who will go above and beyond for you. Someone who looks at you as if you hung the stars.

She used to have that…but not anymore. She twirls the straw in her scotch. "You okay?" Ted asks, looking at her with all the concern and love he has for her etched all in his face. She wonders if it's a friendly love or something more. Then again, he only lost Tracy two years ago. He probably still hasn't moved on yet. Ted has never been able to compartmentalize his feelings.

"I'm fine. Where are Marshall and Lily?"

"Right there actually."

The couple enter the bar, waving hello and looking incredibly out of place. Marshall's in a suit, probably coming straight from the office and Lily's dressed like a helicopter mom. They slide into the booth and amicable chatter begins, everyone sharing stories from their week and Robin sits and smiles and sips her drink, taking it all in.

She momentarily wonders why Barney gave her custody of them after their divorce. They said they'd stay together, but things change. She speculates what he's up to now. How he's handling fatherhood, if he even is. Knowing him he probably chucked his kid to the mom and ran for the hills.

Robin shook her head. The divorce left her bitter towards him and that isn't fair. Three years is a long time. He probably isn't the same person.

That's her hope anyway.

She brings her attention back to the conversation and sees Ted looking at her, not in the friend's way but with a hopeful gaze, bordering on adoration and she feels a familiar warmth rush through her that's reassuring and nice.

She catches him and he turns away sheepishly, and Robin knows, she knows that he's officially moving on from Tracy.

…

She and Ted have been dating for a few months now and things are going well. Splendidly actually. She's a little surprised by how easy it's been with him. They haven't fought, the kids love her. She stays at the house half of the week (she's got her own drawer now).

It seems inevitable that the pair fell back together. Being with Ted is like drinking a cup of tea on a winter morning. Pleasantly warm and soothing, and Robin thinks she could get used to this life, this simplicity.

She's done her share of globe trotting. She's ready to settle down. She's not her youthful self or full of vigour. She's broken, bitter and tired of chasing the latest story. She's ready to be an anchor again. She wants to stay somewhere, have a foundation.

She never thought that'd be her desire in life but growing up takes it toll on you and she isn't a spring chicken anymore. Ted smiles when she tells him this, and Robin can see the excitement on his face, the idea that for once, they're finally on the same page about life and love.

She's not sure if that's entirely true, they're more on the same wavelength, but she's happy to let him think that.

She's content. And she likes it.

…

"Lily thinks Marshall is cheating on her."

The words come out of his mouth quickly, his tone indicating how silly the idea is. Robin is sitting in their bed (she's officially been living at his place for a month now). "That's…really dumb. It's Marshall and Lily."

"I know. That's what I said. But apparently, he's been working late every weekend at the office. She called his assistant once to see how he was doing because she couldn't reach his cell and Molly said Marshall hadn't been in the office all day."

"That doesn't mean he's cheating."

"Robin." She purses her lips. Ted's got a patronizing tone then, one that he only seems to have for her, but she loves him, so she's willing to let it go. "We're too old for this," she says. "Come to bed and let the two of them sort it out. They're adults."

"She wants us to follow him tomorrow. He's got Daisy for the day."

"He's not going to a woman's house with a kid."

"It's for Lily."

"So, she can follow him."

"He'll spot their car."

"Ted, I don't want to get involved in any more stupid shenanigans or spying missions. I married into that; I don't want to again."

She sees his face grow somber and she winces. They don't talk about her marriage with Barney, mainly because Ted likes to pretend it never happened (because…Barney). And she doesn't like rehashing the past.

"I know. I'm sorry I brought it up." He kisses her cheek and slides into the covers, and she knows he's hurting like an injured puppy. With a resounding sigh, Robin pats his back. "We'll follow Marshall tomorrow to prove Lily wrong."

He turns, grinning ear to ear at her and Robin has the warmth spread through her again. She may not like drama, but it's worth it to see the smile on his face.

…

It takes them two hours to get from Lily and Marshall's house to The Hamptons as they follow Marshall. "What is he doing here?" asks Ted. Robin shrugs, not knowing the answer to that and wondering that herself.

The house they stop in front of isn't the biggest residence in the high-class suburbs. It's almost small compared to the rest. Found in East Hampton village the house looks like it came out of a romcom, being all quaint from colonial times. It's is a fading yellow with two red chimneys sticking out from the top and a big yard for kids to run and play in. Robin can feel her curiosity burning bright, and Ted's too, as they watch Marshall pull up to the driveway, get out with Daisy and knock on the door. She sits on the edge of her seat, thanking Ted for driving giving her the better view of the house.

She freezes when she sees Barney opening the door.

"Robin, who is it?"

And she doesn't even know how to answer.

…

The first thing that crosses her mind is he looks good. Sturdier than before, with more muscle and a beard. He's let go of the dyed look and given way to the more natural colour and it makes him look stunning. He's got, what Robin assumes, to be his daughter on his hip, all bright eyed with golden locks reaching for Marshall with grabbing hands. The two are well acquainted.

"Marshall isn't cheating."

"Well that's good to know. However, you look like you've seen a ghost so I'm wondering who…oh. Wow."

Ted's voice fades as he sees who it is. Robin wants to sink into the seat. She also wants to go and talk to him. It feels like a bucket of frozen water has been dumped on her. She doesn't know what to do.

"What do we tell Lily?' Ted asks, watching Marshall enter the house with his daughter and Barney shutting the door behind them. "He kept the kid."

"Yeah…he did."

"How are you feeling?" A hand rests on top of hers. Reassuring, solid and yet…

She moves her hands away. "I'll be fine. Drive."

Ted takes the tone and listens, not asking anymore questions. She doesn't know how they'll tell Lily. She'll deal with rejecting him later…for now she just needs to clear her mind of seeing her ex-husband after all this time.

…

Robin moves through her work in a daze. No one interrupts her, seeing the fog behind her eyes in her mind, no one yells or screams, she doesn't even shout at Patrice.

She just…does things. Seeing him brings back a flood of memories, good and bad ones, overwhelming wonderful and painfully heartbreaking.

Passion. She thinks. They had passion. So much of it, that it burned them to crisps. It stretched them thin, broke them down till there was nothing left but bitter ash in their mouths.

But the love…the sheer, adoring love. The intensity, the fire.

Ted gives her space to sort out her brain. She's grateful but she sees the question in his eyes. Do you still love him?

She wants to say no. It should be easy to say no. But as she sits in her office, nervously tapping her pen against a pad, unable to look past his blue eyes, she's not entirely sure she doesn't love him.

"It's been three years Robin. Get a grip."

She hasn't seen him in three years. Hasn't kissed him or made love to him. Hasn't laughed out loud with it echoing in her chest, hasn't drank fine scotch while smoking a cigar on the balcony of their apartment. She hasn't torn up a dance floor or had a dance party in their living room. Hasn't had exceptional, hot, sweaty sex, or played around in the bedroom.

Robin pauses. Their marriage had been…awesome. She had lived.

Now she's with Ted. And Ted is good and safe and fine.

But as she sits in her office…Ted isn't Barney. Being with Ted is being in an adult relationship. Mature, sophisticated, proper. Being with Barney is being loose, unkempt, constantly living on the edge and…

Breathtaking.

No. She's with Ted. She's happy. She's finally in the place she wants to be, the relationship she wants to be in. She's in love with the man she's with. Not her ex.

She needs to fix this brain blip. So, she calls Marshall. "We need to talk."

"Hello to you to Robin."

"Sorry. Hi. But Marshall…we need to talk."

"You sound pretty serious. You okay?"

"It's about Barney."

Silence over the phone. "Why are you thinking about Barney? You haven't seen him in years."

"Because I saw you with him last weekend at his place."

Silence again. "MacLaren's. In an hour."

"See you then."

…

He's sitting there anxiously, tapping the beer in his hands with his fingers. Robin gets what he's having and slides into the booth across from him. "Alright. You need to explain why after three years you and my ex are still friends when no one else in our group is. More importantly, how the hell have you not told Lily?"

Marshall sighs, and Robin can see him wrestling with the truth inside his head. "He owes me the truth," she pipes in.

A hand goes down his face. "No, he doesn't. As soon as those divorced papers were signed, he owed you squat."

She's taken aback. Marshall has never been a big fan of Barney but simply put up with him due to Ted and her. To see him defend her ex throws Robin, because she never really saw anyone stand up for him. She didn't even really do that.

"Why did you follow me?"

"Lily thought you were cheating so she got Ted and I to follow you."

"So, Ted knows to?"

"Yeah."

"Now I'm going to have to tell Lily. Shit."

"Why? Why is that a bad thing?"

"When Barney left it hurt Lily. Everyone promised to stay together, and he didn't keep that promise."

"So? He could've stayed."

"No. He couldn't of. When you two split it was only a matter of time who we'd gravitate towards. Barney knew it'd be you. So, he left early so it'd hurt less. You're best friends with Lily. I'm Lily's husband. Ted and I were roommates. Where does Barney fit?"

Robin pauses. "He doesn't."

"Exactly."

"That doesn't explain why he's in your life."

Marshall sighs. "He needed a lawyer."

"Why?"

"After Ellie was born…"

"Ellie?"

"His daughter."

"Oh." Right. The kid. It sounds strange. And truth be told, it makes her a little sad. She isn't sure why Barney kept the kid, or why it makes her a little glum. Maybe it's because she never can have kids, or maybe that she never got to be "Fun Aunt Robin" to this little girl. But it makes her a little depressed to be missing out on such a grownup thing. Even if it is Barney's life.

"How old is she?"

"Three, about to turn 4."

"Nice."

"Anyway, he needed a lawyer for the custody case."

"What?"

"When Ellie was born, Barney swore he'd be present for her. But the girl he knocked up had custody. Barney didn't want that. So, he called me asking for a favour. And well, he sounded sad. And you know me…"

"Always a sucker for a lost cause."

"He was our friend. Maybe not always the best, but he was there when it counted. So, I returned the favour. We fought for custody, we won. We bonded. He's a good father Robin. He deserved to prove it."

Robin's not sure how to take this. She knows Barney. She knows all parts of him, inside and out but this man…this person Marshall describes is a stranger. This man isn't her ex-husband.

Something on her face must have given something away otherwise Marshall wouldn't have asked. "How's Ted taking it?"

"He's giving me space to figure things out."

"It's been three years Robin."

"I know. That's what I keep telling myself."

A sigh come out of him. She glances over. He's mulling over something, muttering to himself. "You should go see him."

"That's a million-dollar bad idea."

"Is it? Think of it as closure. You want to be with Ted. Fine. But until you confront why you're stuck on your ex; you aren't ever going to be available for him. Lawyered."

Robin purses her lips. He's right. She needs to close that door once and for all. Barney up and leaving meant he was supposed to end it. But maybe she's the one who has to slam it shut.

…

She tells Ted.

"I'm going to go see him."

He doesn't answer right away. Just kinda gives her a look. But she knows Ted, knows how he thinks, how he acts.

"You think it's bad idea."

"I think any guy who has to hear his girlfriend say she's going to see the man she used to be married to would make any boyfriend nervous."

You used to call me the love of your life, she thinks, but she knows she isn't that. That was a long time ago. And that was Tracy. Beautiful, kind, sweet and nerdy Tracy.

Robin wonders if Ted ever wishes she was more like his wife. Probably. This is Ted Mosby after all. The man who believes in fate and destiny and soulmates. Robin doesn't believe in that, but after seeing how Ted and Tracy came together, the idea doesn't seem that too far-fetched.

But she isn't Ted's soulmate…and that makes her decision to see Barney all that clearer. Ted will never love Robin the way he loved Tracy. She was a ship in the night and now they've found each other again…but it isn't the same.

It's not the same.

But Robin wishes it was. She wishes she could be the love of someone's life again.

…

She drives in the morning and arrives late afternoon. She parks her car on the side street, and stares at the yellow house with the two red chimneys. Anxiety grapples her, keeping her seated.

She's never been more nervous.

She takes a deep breath. Two more. Another one. Come on Scherbatsky, she thinks. You're better than this. With that resolve she gets out, slams the door and makes her way on the pebble path to the front door. There a lion knocker rests, so she uses it.

Nothing happens. No footsteps come to the door; no sounds being made behind it. She stands there, dressed like a city girl and feeling so out of place in the village.

"Are you looking for Barney Stinson?"

An old grandma exits her home next door to Barney's and Robin looks over, hiding her apprehension behind a million-watt smile. "Yes. Is he home?"

"No dear. He's at the park across the way with his daughter. Just go down the street, it'll be on your left."

"Thank you."

Robin watches the old woman go the opposite direction of her instructions. "You can do this Robin."

That mantra seems to be a constant as of late.

…

She approaches the park slowly. Her eyes scan around the place, looking for that familiar head of hair. She finds it and she stops in her spot. He's sitting on a bench, right arm outstretched to the empty space beside him. Her eyes follow where he's staring and she sees his daughter, playing on the jungle gym. The girl is laughing out loud, making her way around the place. She's big for a three-year-old, Robin thinks. Her eyes go back to her ex-husband's head.

"Closure. You're doing this for closure." The whisper gets lost in the breeze.

She walks up, stopping behind the bench. "Hey."

She watches his whole self freeze, before tentatively turning around.

He really is handsome, Robin thinks, as he looks at her in his full glory. He looks grown up. He looks like a dad.

"Hi."

It feels like an eternity with the two of them just staring at one another. The world seems to stop spinning, narrowing down to just them. His gaze burns through her, and she feels the familiar desire begin to pool in her lower half. She gulps heavily.

"What…how? Marshall."

He's quick.

"Yeah. Can I sit?"

A debate goes on in his head. At least, that's what Robin thinks. She feels insecure with this new Barney. She doesn't recognize him.

"Sure."

She comes round, tenderly placing herself on the bench and looking forward. He moves his arm. She kinda wishes he left it there.

"Is that her?"

Robin nudges with her chin to the little blond girl now playing in the sand.

"Yeah."

"Where is everyone?"

"It's overcast and supposedly going to rain. So, they're probably inside. Makes it easier to watch her with no one around."

"I see. And how long…"

He interrupts her. "Why are you here Robin?"

Her name isn't spoken with hate or venom, but with an exasperation. He doesn't want her here.

"I uh…"

He looks at her then, with those too blue eyes and she feels him staring into her soul. He unravels her in his gaze, in a way Ted never can. She recalls that gaze in their shared bed, in their fights, in their makeups.

She relieves every moment with him in a matter of seconds.

"I don't know. Closure?"

Barney shakes his head and looks to his daughter again. She suspects he's disappointed in her. His tone indicates so.

"Closure. Sure."

She feels anger beginning to rise. "Well, what do you want me to say?"

"You're not here for closure from me. You're here to get a blessing for Ted."

"What…How? Marshall."

Barney only smirks. "Yeah."

"I'm really here for closure."

"It's been three years Robin. You've gotten your closure. You've moved on. You're dating Ted. You got what you wanted."

She isn't satisfied. She needs answers. Needs to know.

"Why'd you leave?"

A sigh escapes him. She sees how he's aged, how three years have taken their toll. But there's still a youthful vigor in him. She figures his daughter has given that to him.

"I left because I didn't have a reason to stay. You got the group, you got MacLaren's, you got the city. I served no purpose."

He's really all grown up, she thinks. He's wiser, a tad bitter, but not the man she once knew. She can't get over it.

"You've changed."

Barney only nods.

"I wish you had changed earlier."

They sit in silence. Robin isn't sure why she said those words. But, deep down, it's the truth. She wanted a man, she married a man child, who just…never grew up.

"I had peter pan syndrome." He answers. She looks over at him, wondering if he had heard her thoughts.

"I grew up with daddy and mommy issues. And don't argue with me on the mommy issues because my mother was a pathological liar for all my childhood. Thus, I grew up with lies, and essentially was taught lying was the way to get things. And my reality allowed for that. The daddy issues are obvious, but since meeting my real father, he's actually pretty awesome. I get him now. But no woman was ever going to get me to grow up. Not you, not Quinn, not Nora, no one. Except her."

He points to Ellie. "She forced me to grow up. Because if I wasn't an adult for her, she'd be me when I was a kid. And I don't want her to have parents who consistently lie, or a father who isn't around. Ellie needs me to be an adult, so, I'm an adult."

Robin sits there, moved by the honesty and a little hurt. But he's right. No woman ever would have gotten him to change. Only the one who just needed him in that way.

"I never wanted to be needed. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you. But being needed…isn't always a bad thing. She's taught me a lot about myself. About what I want, what I need."

"Marshall was right." is the only thing Robin can really say.

"About what?"

"You do make a good dad." Even better than Ted, she thinks. But she doesn't say that out loud.

Barney faintly smiles. "Thanks. Sure as hell hasn't been easy."

"I can imagine." She smiles back. He looks at her again, seeing all of her and she wonders what the hell is going on inside his head. She's about to say something when Ellie runs up, reaching for her daddy.

"Daddee!" she squeals, eagerly placing herself on his lap as he takes her in his arms. "Having fun?"

She only nods, shyness coming over her as she sees Robin for the first time. Her eyes are so big, rivaling her father's. Robin can see Barney in her. She's so his kid. It's unnerving a bit.

"Ellie, this is Robin. Daddy's friend."

A sense of relief washes over her upon hearing him call her friend. Friends, she thinks. They can be friends. "It's lovely to meet you Ellie." Robin sticks her hand out for a handshake but the three-year-old just stares at it. Barney laughs, a full belly laugh that warms Robin so deeply.

Ellie squirms until he lets her go, and she runs off back to the sand. He watches her, and Robin watches him, and there is such contentment on him face, such fondness, that Robin's heart aches.

She came here for closure, but she finds herself more confused than before.

…

She avoids Ted. She avoids Lily too. She fiddles with her phone, thanking herself for keeping her old place since she's been sleeping there the past few nights. She knows Ted is unhappy with her maintaining space, but her heart is so…perplexed. Lily keeps calling, asking why she didn't tell the truth about Marshall and how is she doing?

How is she doing? Fuck if Robin knows. She saw her ex-husband, melted under his gaze and felt like a preteen with her first crush all over again. Except this is Barney. She was married to this man. For three years. Three blissful, glorious years until the end.

She doesn't know if she misses what they had or actually wants him now. He's become the guy she always hoped he'd be. He's a new and better version of Ted, with the old Barney still kinda in there.

She texts Marshall. He answers. She stares at the number on her screen. Her thumb hovers over it. She takes a swig of scotch, relishing the burn down her throat as she presses the number.

The phone rings. She may be slightly intoxicated. She's too old for this kind of stuff. But here she is, hoping for clarity by talking to her former flame.

"Hello?"

His voice is soothing. She closes her eyes momentarily, taking in the smooth velvet of his tone. "Hey."

Silence again. "Robin?"

"Yeah. It's me."

"Wow. I uh…I didn't think…wow."

"Trust me. I didn't think either."

"What's up?"

A familiarity rushes through her. She thought this warmth was reserved for Ted, that only he could bring out some sort of satisfaction in her but Barney's voice, it eases her soul. "I just wanted to check up on you."

"Oh?" He doesn't believe her and to be fair, she's not entirely sure why she's calling him. But she knows that she just wants to hear him again, she wants to be friends again. She wants to discover this new Barney.

But she doesn't know where she fits in his life. He's moved on, and Robin's starting to think that after three years…

She hasn't.

"I guess…you introduced me as your friend to your daughter."

"Well, I can't exactly say, Hey Ellie! Meet my ex-wife." He sounds bitter.

"Fair enough."

"Besides, you and I could never be just that. It's just not worth it."

She doesn't know what to make of that.

"Yeah."

"That doesn't mean I don't want it."

Her heart picks up pace. "Oh?"

"To be friends. That is. I'd like for Ellie to know her cool Aunt Robin. It'd be nice if she knew some of the old gang. Other than Marshall that is. I swear if he sends me another damn song…"

Robin laughs. Her smile grows ten times. And all the sudden, the awkwardness is broken, the tension rolls away and it's just two friends chatting with one another again. The discuss Marshall's visits, Ellie and Daisy's friendship, Barney's job, her job, and they fall back into their easy camaraderie.

The one that made them fall in love in the first place.

And for the first time in a while…Robin feels genuinely happy.

…

She and Ted talk. He's okay with her getting closure with Barney. "It's a process," she says. "It isn't going to happen overnight."

She can sense he's a little apprehensive though. She doesn't blame him. She was married to the man for three years. Fell madly in love with him for more than that. And now she's with a guy who wants her for everything she is. But unlike him, her ex spouse isn't dead. He's very much alive and…well, she isn't sure where he fits in her life now that they've reconnected.

The closure excuse will only work for so long.

Ted asks about Barney. He asks about his daughter. Robin answers as best and honestly as she can. It's a lot of, "They're good. They're nice. Barney is doing well."

She's pretty sure Ted is asking the same thing to Marshall and getting more in-depth answers. But how does she tell him they're friends? She doesn't visit his home, but they talk on the phone for hours.

They've had some amazing conversations since they've reconnected. Barney's wiser now, slower to respond, but responds with greater intelligence and advice. He doesn't just jump into the fray; he thinks things through now. He's cautious.

And Robin finds it pretty sexy, if she's being honest. It looks good on him. Really good.

But she doesn't tell Ted that. Because Ted wouldn't be happy. He's already on edge with her "getting closure" but he gets it. In order for her to be with him completely, she needs to let this balloon go.

It's just…she's beginning to think that maybe she doesn't want to.

…

He calls her. It's the first time he's initiated anything. Her phone rings, his caller ID bright on the screen.

"Hey Barney."

"Hey Robin. I need to ask you a huge favour."

"Are you okay? You sound stressed."

"The sitter canceled on me and I have to go out tonight. Marshall's unavailable and James is out of town with his family. I wouldn't be asking this but there is literally no one else. Can you watch Ellie?"

Robin gapes. Her mind whirls. She thinks it might've stopped working.

"Robin?"

"Huh? Oh. Uh. Sure."

"Thank you a million. I owe you one."

"When do you need me to come over?"

"Does 5 work?"

"Yeah."

"Great. See you then."

The line goes dead, but the only thing Robin can think of is what Barney might be doing tonight.

She really hopes it isn't a date.

…

When she rings the doorbell, she expects it to be Barney. And she's right. However, he's suited up, looking wonderfully attractive and Robin feels the familiar heat develop.

"Hey, you're right on time. Come on in."

She feels like she's entered another world. Nothing about this home screams the bachelor Barney Stinson but instead speaks, father figure Barney Stinson. The house is homey and welcoming and warm.

"There's dinner in the fridge which you just need to heat up. And you can turn on the TV after she's eaten. Food only belongs on the kitchen table; she knows this so don't let her try to fool you. And it's 30 minutes tv time, then getting ready for bed. She should be asleep by 8:00 at the latest."

Robin just watches he flutter about, zipping around the house. He leads her into the kitchen, where Ellie sits in a highchair smiling.

"Hey munchkin." Barney kisses her head and it's so tender, that Robin feels some sort of longing. The two of them are united and the affection he gives his daughter is so becoming Robin is momentarily overwhelmed. It disappears quickly though and she has to give herself a deep breath to resume any normal train of thought.

"Hey. Thanks for doing this."

"No problem. You don't find it a little weird though?"

Barney chuckles. "Since when do we do anything the conventional way?" She sees traces of the old him, the cockiness and self confidence that made him so damn likable. It's faint, but it's there and she can't help but smile at it.

"Where are you off to tonight?"

His face tells her all. She shouldn't have asked. He's got a date. Her heart beats hard in her chest.

He smiles bitterly and looks at her. "Don't worry about it. Thanks again."

And he's out the door. She doesn't know if he was saying that to save her the embarrassment of asking or trying to keep the awkwardness out of the air. She shouldn't have asked. How weird is it for your ex-wife to ask who you're seeing when you haven't spoken to each other in forever and just rekindled your friendship?

"Silly!" shouts Ellie, who's clearly enthused by something going on in her imagination and Robin looks over at the girl, who just is the epitome of adorable. "Yeah, silly."

…

Watching Ellie is surprisingly easy. She's not hyper like Marvin was, or obnoxiously loud like Penny. She doesn't ask insistent questions like Luke or whine like Daisy. She's chill and more over, is definitely, 100%, the product of Barney. She's got his looks but it's her confidence in her cuteness that gets Robin every time. She's got blonde curls in pigtails, a button nose, and big blue eyes that look too Disney princess to be real. She talks in a baby voice but Robin's pretty sure the girl knows more than she's letting on.

"I bet you've got your dad wrapped all around you finger."

Robin swears Ellie winks. Which causes her to smirk as she watches the toddler dive deeper into her dinner. "So, Ellie, what's fun to do around here?"

"Pah patoal."

Robin frowns. She isn't fluent in toddler nor in food stuffed mouth. "Do you mean Paw Patrol?"

The girl nods enthusiastically. "Finish your food and then we'll watch it."

And she listens. For a three-year-old, Ellie is fairly obedient. She may have her dad wrapped around her finger (Robin's sure of it), but Barney clearly runs a tight ship if she listens like this.

If all kids were like Ellie, Robin might be open to actually having one.

…

They watch paw patrol and Robin doesn't really get it, but Ellie's enraptured by the TV, her eyes getting bigger by every scene. Robin can just picture her and Barney, sitting on the couch, with Ellie blabbering away and him listening intensively, responding at the appropriate time, while being genuinely engaging with her.

He really has changed. Robin thinks. And she smiles. A happy smile for him, because he's found peace and a purpose that isn't the playbook, the bro code or any other bachelor motivation.

Paw patrol finishes and Ellie looks to Robin, big eyes all bashful and Robin merely quirks an eyebrow. "Those aren't going to work on me Ellie. I am immune." Her lips purse. Robin doesn't give in. "Your dad said bedtime. So, it's bedtime. Let's go."

She picks her up and that new baby smell still lingers on Ellie's skin. It's nice and there's a dash of lavender thrown in the mix. Ellie curls into Robin, resting her head on her shoulder and nestling into her neck. Robin can feel the soft breaths on her neck.

She brings her upstairs to the bedroom which is obviously the room full of blues and pinks. Gently sitting her on the bed, Robin wonders where the girl's pajamas are. Ellie, clearly noticing that Robin is out of place, crawls off the bed and moves to a drawer. She points.

"Pjs?"

"Ya."

"Smart kid."

Ellie preens under the compliment. Robin reaches in and rummages around, finding a suit onesie and well, she just must put it on her. She raises it to Ellie who squeals in delight and yeah.

She's totally Barney's kid.

…

Teeth are brushed, hair is combed and now the girl is settled into her bed. It's almost 8pm but Robin's reading a bedtime story to Ellie to get her to sleep. It's a sweet nighttime story about sheep and cows and soon the girl's out cold. Robin puts the book away, quietly gets up and shuts the door.

She peers down the hallway, noticing the master bedroom door ajar. She debates going in, snooping through but there is no point. Barney's room is his own now, and she isn't going to see past parts of their life together there.

Best not get her hopes up.

She walks downstairs and sees Barney there; suit jacket off and drinking a beer at the table. "Hey."

"You're home."

She's a little flabbergasted, not sure what to do with his presence. He looks tired. She wants to ask how it went but refrains. It isn't her place really.

"You want a beer?"

Fuck yeah, she does. "Sure." Hope begins to flare a bit. She squashes it down.

He goes to his fridge, pulls out a bottle and twists the cap off. He hands it to her, and she gratefully takes it, sitting down.

"When did you get home?"

"About 10 minutes ago. I heard you reading to Ellie. I didn't want to disrupt."

"She wouldn't have slept then, would she?"

"Not at all." He smiles wearily. "She's good at staying awake. I'm surprised she went to sleep as quickly as she did with you. Her sitter is always struggling. Rants to me about it ever time she watches her."

Robin almost says something snide about him sleeping with the sitter, but she catches herself. That isn't who he is anymore. Still a little hard to believe apparently.

"I can imagine."

"She likes you."

The tone turns somber, Barney looking at the rim of the bottle while Robin looks at him. "How do you know?"

"Because you got her to sleep."

He looks at her then, his eyes big and open and she feels he's unraveling her, seeing all that she is and drinking her in. She can't look away and the air becomes thick. It's hard to breath, her heart picks up, heat rises.

He looks away and the spell is broken. "Anyway."

"Anyway. How was the date?"

Barney shrugs. "It was alright."

"It's weird that I'm asking, isn't it?"

"Probably. It doesn't feel weird. Not to me anyway." And he's so earnest about it, that any strangeness Robin feels slips away.

"Yeah."

The atmosphere shifts again. And she knows that whoever the girl is, she isn't getting a second date.

Because she recognizes that heat now.

It's lust.

And it's mutual.

…

She stays at her place again that night. Maybe it's the alcohol she's had or the fact that she realizes she's lusting after her ex-husband that she just can't be around Ted right now.

And it sucks. Because Ted, who brought her the blue French horn in an absolute romantic gesture and gazes at her with complete adoration, is lovely but…

He's safe. He doesn't get super crazy like he did when they were first together. He's older now, has kids, and usually just wants to sleep and cuddle than get some. There is no wild sex, no spur of the moment hook ups, nothing super rambunctious.

And Robin doesn't need to have a lot of sex either but…she doesn't have the same obligations he does. She wants to have a bit more fun than just the basic stuff. She loves Ted, loves the simplicity and intimacy they share.

But that fire? That burning passion that seems to be flaring up more and more? That isn't just a reminder of what could've been, it's a reminder of what she used to have and evidently, could have again.

She just wishes she wasn't stuck between the two same guys as before and repeating her younger years all over. She's better than this goddammit!

A loud sigh and a quick phone dial and soon Lily's on the other line, eager to learn more about Robin's dilemma and Robin knows that she needs to chat this out. She'd rather not do it with Lily, but there seems no other option.

"Yes. I knew you'd call in a week. MARSHALL. YOU OWE ME TEN BUCKS. Now, tell me everything."

"It's really not that big deal."

"Uh huh. Where's the poop Robin?"

"Dammit." It was a weak lie anyway Robin assures herself. "It's…"

"It's Barney. You were married to him. You're allowed to feel something. Ted's has been more anxious than normal though. He's really concerned."

Robin shakes her head. It's always about Ted, isn't it? She may love him and is worried about how this avoidance is treating him, but he always seems to be the victim. Always is the one wronged. She's human, she's made mistakes, but this isn't about him. "Lily can we just…not talk about him in this?"

"Of course. You sound pretty serious. What's going on?"

"He's not the man I married."

Nothing comes through the phone, and Robin knows Lily's trying to find the right words to say. But then there's some sort of whispering going on causing Robin to freeze. "Is Ted there?"

No answer. "Thanks Lily. I'll call you later." Robin hangs up the phone and chugs the rest of her glass of wine.

She loves Lily but fuck her and fuck Ted for this. Anger's boiling in her veins now, at Ted, at Lily, at Barney, at everyone. Yeah, she's a mess, but she's trying.

The wine relishes under her skin, sending tingles throughout and giving her mind a slight blur. Robin wishes everything was easy, that she had never followed Marshall, that Ted hadn't ran to her door that night, that his kids hadn't pushed him, that Tracy had died, that Barney and she hadn'tsplit…

So many things that if they hadn't happened, her life would be far different. She's not sure if that's for better or worse.

Longingly looking out her window with a slight buzz doesn't change the angst stirring in her. She's messing up, that seems to be the only thing she's ever good at.

Her phone buzzes. She looks down. It's Barney. His second reach out.

"Hey."

"Hey there. Marshall called me."

"Of course, he did."

"You okay Scherbatsky?"

"That's the question of the century isn't it?"

"Well, how do you feel discussing it over ice cream?"

She pauses, her face questioning, her body taut in excitement and fear. "What ice cream place is open at 1am in New York City?"

"I know a place."

…

"So, what's going on in the brain of yours. You're making that "I'm pissed" face. And stabbing that banana split pretty violently."

Robin sighs, setting the spoon down in the extremely tacky 50s diner they're in. "It's nothing."

"It's definitely not nothing. I don't nee a Robin manual to know when you're hurt and angry. Talk to me. What's going on?"

"I've been…avoiding Ted."

She looks at him, trying to see if Barney feels anything. But he doesn't react but continues eating his sundae. "Why?"

"It's not important. But he violated the space he's supposedly been giving me by listening to me talk to Lily, about him." And you. she mentally adds.

"How honest am I allowed to be?"

She tilts her head. "As honest as you want. You know me. I'm not sensitive."

He smirks at that. "Uh huh. Well, Lily has always stuck her nose in business that isn't hers. You could argue she does it for her friends, but the truth is she's just a nosy person. Ted is…well, Ted, so there isn't much explaining to do there. Marrying Tracy brought down some of his Tedness but from your reaction that only seems to have increased tenfold."

"Little bit."

"Figures. He's always been a glutton for punishment. Great guy but absolute sap. Half of the crap he's suffered from he's done to himself. Except maybe Stella."

"That was just unfortunate."

"Yeah."

"But wait…what about me? How has he suffered from me due to himself?"

Barney sighs. "He always had a thing for you. And no matter what you did, he always would. Because you were available. Sure, you were in relationships but rather than seeing it as you being off the market, Ted figured it was just a waiting game. As long as he held out and didn't get to serious, you'd realize he was the one and come crawling back to him. But you didn't. You married me. And that kinda did it for him. Our wedding was his final realization and dawning that you weren't his and had no intention of ever being his. And when that finally happened, he could let go of the fantasy of you. You weren't on a pedestal anymore; you were Robin Stinson. Married woman. And his heart could finally let another woman in, unconditionally."

"And then he meets Tracy."

"And then he meets Tracy. The perfect woman for a guy like Ted Mosby. Ted loved you and you loved him. But…the two of you were never in the same place. You've always been career oriented and Ted always wanted the white picket fence family. Those two futures aren't compatible. No matter how you twist it."

"But how…"

"He set himself up for failure from the very beginning. He knew who you were, but a part of him figured that being with him would change you or fix you. But you never needed to be fixed. You just…wanted different things. And rather than accept that part of you, he believed you'd change for him because he's such a nice guy."

Robin's speechless. She has no words, nothing to say to him. She wants to defend Ted, to say Barney's wrong but…he isn't. Ted is a nice guy, but that didn't mean he wasn't wrong in their relationship.

"That doesn't mean you two aren't going to work now. You've both grown up, changed, and experienced life in the ways you wanted to. There's no reason why the two of you can't make it happen."

She looks at him and he won't make eye contact with her. She faintly smiles, wondering how strange the world has become to her when it's her ex-husband giving her advice about her current partner.

But it shouldn't be that way. "Why are you helping me?"

He sighs, looking her dead in the eye, shining with perfect honesty. "Because I want you to be happy."

Even if you aren't with me? she wonders. And she can see it, see the words on the tip of his tongue and she leans forward, hoping he'll say them. But he doesn't, choosing to look at his melting ice cream.

"You know, you said you grew up when you met the right woman. It was the same for me you know."

He looks at her amused, lips quirked, and eyebrows raised. "Oh?"

"Not like that!" but she chuckles anyway. "I needed to grow up in my career. Try some new things, travel, learn about myself in that context. I got stuck with so many crappy jobs that I settled for relationships that weren't what I wanted to bring some form of joy. I went for guys that liked me rather than looking for a partner, someone who'd work with me.

And I found that in you. At the time. She can see him wanting to ask that, wanting to know if she considers their marriage one of the relationships she didn't want. "You and I clicked. But we didn't work at it."

Barney and her share a moment, and she hopes she's conveying the significance of him in her life, back then and now.

"We both messed up. I was a man-child, who proposed to you yes, romantically, but in retrospect, poorly. You, were a woman who wanted the marriage, wanted the partnership, but did not know how to multitask a partner who wasn't willing to bend to your beck and call. Neither of us were ready for the work that a marriage takes."

"And now?" Robin, curious beyond all reason, realizing that the reason she's been so conflicted with ted, the reason she's been so in awe of Barney, is because while she may love Ted…Barney is her husband, for better or worse, and they're both now in a better place. They're on the same page.

Marriages sometimes fail, because the couple forgets why they fell in love in the first place. But Robin remembers. She knows ever detail of how it happened.

"Now it's different."

"You have Ellie."

"I can't just let anyone in. I have to know it's going to work."

Robin nods. She gets it. Ellie is Barney's priority now; she has to come first. And it's commendable. "I understand."

Barney gets up, throwing on his coat and is about to leave but he turns around facing her. "Just know so you know, I could never love anyone the way I love you." His eyes speak volumes then and he leaves. Once he's gone, she breathes, and she's shaken. Because he didn't speak in past tense.

He spoke in the present.

He still loves her.

And there's a very good chance she's falling again. Though knowing her luck, she's already hit the bottom.

…

Breaking up isn't an easy thing to do. Luke and Penny are young, and they don't really get why Aunt Robin is packing her bags and "isn't coming back." They don't understand why the woman they told their father to find is now leaving. They don't understand the difference between Robin's love for their father and the love between a husband and wife. "Soulmates." Was robin's answer. And Penny had looked at her, with an inquisitive stare, "Soulmates don't exist."

But Robin just smiles and for once, it isn't bitter. "You should ask your dad to tell you the story of how he met your mother one day. And then you'll get it."

Penny simply shrugs, looking away in anger. Luke cries, because he's six and doesn't fully understand everything yet. But Penny's eight, always been a smart cookie, so Robin doesn't blame why the little girl is mad.

She isn't surprised either that despite living their for a year, all her things fit in one suitcase. Some things never change no matter how hard you try.

"It's like you always were ready to leave." Ted says quietly. He's leaning on the door frame as Robin stands by the entrance. "I think I knew somewhere deep down, it wasn't going to last."

"Why? Why are you pushing us away?"

"You want Tracy Ted. You want a wife. You want someone to be a mother to your kids. I love you…but I'm never going to love you like Tracy did. And you're never going to love me like you loved her."

"And what, you think he's going to do that?"

Robin shrugs. "I honestly don't know. You're the one who believes in soulmates. What do you think?"

His silence answers enough. He knows as well as she that Barney is her person. He gets her, in a way that Ted, Lily and Marshall never could. She loves her friends, but they live in the world of white picket fences and family dinners. Robin lives in late night Chinese food and leftover pizza.

She's not a mother figure. She never will be. Ted's kids need someone who can nurture them as they get older. And as much as Robin would like to be that for Ted, she's done playing wife.

"Goodbye Ted."

"Goodbye Robin."

And she's knows as she shuts the door, that the balloon she had been holding onto, she has finally let go off.

…

Robin knows that he probably won't like the big gesture, but she's desperate to prove that he's it. It may have been four years since they ended, but it doesn't need to stay that way. So, with bags shoved up her arm she rings the doorbell, hoping that she got the timing right from Marshall's vague text.

He may not have been happy about the breakup, but when she compares it to Lily, he gets it. She has a feeling though Ted's won them in the separation. It'll be sad to see Lily and Marshall go, but deep down, she knows that her and Barney probably need to establish themselves together and build the foundation before letting anyone else in again. Assuming he wants her of course.

She really hopes she read his signals right.

She rings the doorbell and the sitter opens the door, with Ellie on her hip. "Who are you?" she asks and Robin so ready to bitch slap the smug face the girl has on. "Yeah and I'm sure Barney would love to know that the babysitter smokes in the house if that ash tray is anything to go by."

She gets the message, moves, and Robin walks by, a smirk dancing on her lips. She'll tell Barney about the smoking later. She waves high to Ellie and winks and the girl giggles, eyes full of admiration for Robin and she swears the kid knows what she's up to. "Hey, you can go. I got her."

The sitter stares at her. "I need to get paid."

"How much per hour?"

"$20."

"How long?"

"2 hours."

Robin's pretty sure she's getting swindled, but she doesn't care. Just grabs the money exchanges it for Ellie and watches the girl leave.

"Good riddance."

She hasn't entirely planned this far with the toddler, but somehow, she knows that Ellie is the key to proving to Barney she's serious. "You want to help me decorate Daddy's room?"

Ellie nods vigorously and Robin takes her and the bags upstairs to the master. Realizing she can't open the door with the many things in her arms, Robins sets Ellie down, opens the door, takes in Barney's bedroom and she's shocked.

It's their old comforter. And their old furniture. "He didn't sell it."

Any fear or insecurity washes away because she knows, this is proof, that for her, everything she wanted from a man, she's got. She always had it. And she is fucking ready to fight for it to keep it.

…

Robin hears the door open and Barney call for the sitter. "Upstairs!"

Footsteps move soundly on the floor followed by a swearing. "I told you, you're not allowed in there and neither is…Oh."

"Surprise." She sits on the bed surrounded by rose petals. Candles are lit around the room and she knows he's shocked. Ellie's on the bed too playing with the petals and smiling so bright that it's almost blinding. Barney blinks once, twice.

"What?"

"I broke up with Ted."

She can see the emotions flit across his face. Can see his mind flurry at the idea.

"Why?" he chokes out and she's pretty sure he's about to kiss her.

"Because I don't love him. Not the way I love you."

He grabs her hands and pulls her up and kisses her and its fireworks. His touch, oh his fingers, his lips.

Every graze, every caress, every movement reminds her of him. His touch sparks memories long buried and they pour out like a fountain and she smiles into the kiss and she can feel him smiling too and it is absolutely, exactly, what she needs.

…

"The world is full of confusion and contradiction. We cannot expect to do anything that is absolutely right. We can only measure rightness by the truth within ourselves. And our own truth will never be quite the same as somebody else's. I wish that I could touch you and be sure that it was the right thing to do. I only want to touch you briefly. Just once so that you will know. We are flesh and blood and full of faults. But we are also full of warmth. The world is full of confusion but there is compassion in its midst. Communication via simple touch can transmit so much of us in just one minute. Like a painting or a piece of music. I want to touch your soul. I only wish I could be sure it was the right thing to do."

― Jay Woodman, SPAN