Authos note: so, I actually wrote this back around Christmas time, but didn't decide to post it until now. Fair warning, I'm pretty sure I'm massively projecting here, but writing this helped me feel better. Whoo whoo, here comes the angst train...P.S for some reason, the version of this story i posted a few days ago had code in the text for some reason. Sorry about that.
Snow fell heavily on Naruto from his spot on the dock as he looked out over the pond. The icy cold wind numbed his face and fingers. The cold seeped in through his jacket.
He came here a lot. He liked to watch the fish. It wasn't as nice when the pond was frozen.
He turned around and began the walk back to his apartment, trudging through the snow.
The streets were mostly empty, everyone bundled back warmly in their homes, with their families.
His apartment building came into view.
'I wonder what it's like, to be happy to see your home. To know someone's waiting for you behind the door, happy to see you, embracing you as you enter.'
No one and nothing was waiting for him.
He made it up the steps. Stopped in front of his door.
His keys slipped through his numbed fingers as he drew them out of his pocket, clinking on the ground.
"Shit."
He bent over to pick them up, but his fingers knocked them farther away.
He twisted around to try and get at them, but his slick boots slid, and he landed hard on the concrete. He gasped in pain.
"Ah, ow, fuck."
He'd landed right on his ass.
He fought them, but he could feel the tears building.
The dam broke. Tears spilled out of his eyes. He sobbed and gasped, struggling to catch his breath.
The numbness inside was replaced with searing, burning agony. So much pain.
He was utterly, and completely alone. There wasn't another human being on the planet that gave a damn whether he lived or died.
The weight of loneliness came crashing down on him. Not for the first time. He'd felt it before, like an anvil on his back, crushing his lungs as his spine struggled not to snap under the pressure.
He thought of the kunai strapped to his leg.
He stilled at the thought.
His heart pounded in his chest. His fingers struggled to get at the zipper on his jacket.
It came unzipped and he shrugged it off his shoulders.
He snapped the button on his kunai holder. His hand slipped inside. His fingers wrapped around the hilt of a blade. He pulled it out.
He looked it over in his hand. It was new, nice and sharp. It would get the job done. Slice through his skin like butter.
He bunched up his sleeve around his shoulder. Held his arm out, made a fist.
He pressed the blade against his brachial.
'It won't take much. Just press in and slide the blade through the artery. Won't take long to bleed out, either.'
His body was shaking. The tears started flowing again.
He could see the first red drop of blood on his arm from where he held the knife. His heart beat rapidly.
He groaned through clenched teeth. He willed his hand to move. The blood began trickling down his arm.
'I don't want to die. But I can't go on like this. It hurts so much. I can't take it. I'm so tired.'
His hand trembled violently.
'Do it, you fucking coward!'
He jerked the blade away from his arm and threw it as hard as he could. It pierced to the hilt in the wall in front of him.
He reared back and screamed. A wail of agony tore itself out of his throat. He screamed until he tasted blood and his voice gave out, and the scream croaked off into nothing.
He slumped back against his door, breathing raggedly.
All he heard was silence. All he felt was pain.
Nothing had changed.
'Everything is exactly the same as it was 10 minutes ago. I'm still alone, I'm still in pain, and no one cares. And I still have to stand up and keep going.'
He didn't feel like standing up. He just wanted to sit there until time ran out and the world went away. Until the pain stopped, until someone finally cared. But none of those things were ever going to happen.
He picked up his keys off the floor next to him. He wobbled as he stood. Tumblers shifting as he unlocked the door. The hinges whining loudly as it opened.
He kicked his jacket through the doorway and stepped inside.
He stood there, unmoving.
He could barely see his breath fogging up in the dark. His body shivered involuntarily from the cold.
He stood there for a long moment, and then he closed his eyes.
When he opened them, he was warm. The apartment lit brightly.
There was someone standing in front of the kitchen table. A man, with his back to him. He was doing something, his shoulder blades shifting through his shirt as moved.
Spiky, inky black hair fell past his neck.
He stopped, and his head turned as if he'd heard something. He turned around.
Charcoal black eyes stared at Naruto.
Sasuke smiled.
Not the tiny little smug-grin he usually used. A wide, warm smile that wrinkled the corners of his eyes.
He stepped forward as he spoke. That quiet, teasing drawl that Naruto hated/loved.
"You're back. I was starting to wonder if I was going to have to go out and find you myself."
He came in close, so close Naruto could smell him. His soap or cologne, whatever the hell it was. Like something out of the forest.
Sasuke looked at him, questioning. He slipped his fingers into Naruto's hand.
'His hand is so warm.'
"Where were you? I was worried. Thought maybe you'd gotten lost and frozen to death."
And there was that little teasing fucking grin.
The words slipped out of Naruto's mouth before he had a chance to think about them.
"Would you care?"
The grin fell off lips, and his eyebrows drew up in confusion.
"Would i care? If you died? Of course i would."
He looked serious, now. All hints of playfulness had faded from his face.
"Why are you asking me that? Is something wrong?"
Naruto didn't answer.
Sasuke's other hand cupped Naruto's cheek.
"I don't know what I would do if I lost you. I love you."
A tear slipped out of Naruto's eye. He wrapped his fingers tighter around Sasuke's hand in his.
Sasuke almost looked a little hurt.
"Don't you believe me?"
He pressed his lips to Naruto's. His arm wrapped around Naruto's back and brought him closer.
Tears fell from Naruto's eyes, and landed on their joined lips.
Naruto closed his eyes. He squeezed Sasuke's hand as hard as he could. He could feel him slipping away. 'Please don't go.'
Naruto opened his eyes. The apartment was pitch black. His bones ached from the cold.
Blood seeped out through his fingers, around the keys gripped tightly in his hand, digging into his palm.
'Now, remember what he really thinks of you.'
They'd been bickering the other day, the usual. He didn't even remember what Sasuke had said to piss him off so bad, but he'd started hollering back at him.
"You watch! I'm gonna be even better than you! I don't care how hard i have to work."
He remembered the look in Sasuke's eyes vividly. Cold, and full of hate. He'd stared him down like he was nothing.
"Idiot. You were born worthless, and you'll die worthless, no matter how hard you try. Nothing can change that."
Naruto had barely heard his heart shatter over the roaring in his ears as the truth of Sasuke's words hit him.
Naruto screamed as he slammed his fist into the refrigerator. He drove his knuckles into it repeatedly, denting the metal.
His legs gave out, and he dropped to his knees.
The sobbing started again.
'What did i do to deserve this? Am I really worthless?'
He took a shuddery breath. Then he stood up.
Light from the fridge poured out as he opened the pulverized and bloody door.
Empty, aside from some spoiled milk and old takeout.
He would need to make a trip to the store. Buy what he could.
The darkness returned as the refrigerator door closed shut.
He stepped over to the cupboard.
Pulled out some ramen.
He could barely make out the words emblazoned on the bright pink packaging. "Family Size!"
He snagged a bottled water off the counter.
Turned on the stove top. The flames glowed brightly in the dark.
Poured the water into a pot and sat it on the stove eye.
He shut the still-open door to his apartment.
Flipped the light switch.
The light flickered as it came on. He would probably need to replace that bulb soon.
He walked into the bathroom. Stood in front of the sink.
He didn't want to look in the mirror.
He did anyway.
There were grey spots under his red-rimmed eyes. His hair was matted down and wet from the snow.
He rested his elbows on the sink. The pipes rattled as he turned on the faucet.
Rusty-brown colored water rushed out into the sink. He cupped his hands and splashed some on his face.
He could hear the water on the stove boiling.
He prodded at his ramen. He'd been pretty hungry for a minute there, but the hunger had turned to nausea quickly.
He scooped a bite into his mouth.
It tasted like ash.
No, it didn't, he was being dramatic. It tasted like instant ramen. But the taste turned his stomach all the same.
Naruto settled into bed. An exposed bed-spring dug into his back as he dragged his ratty blanket over top of him.
As he laid there in the dark and quiet, he imagined his future.
Sakura had been busy at the hospital lately. He'd visited her there a few times, but she wasn't really able to focus her attention on him.
Sasuke either looked at him with disgust, or pretended he didn't exist altogether.
He had no friends.
No family.
No future.
Nothing was ever going to change.
'I know change doesn't happen unless you work for it. Unless you fight for it. But I feel like I've been fighting my whole life. I don't know how much fight i have left in me.'
He wrapped the blanket around himself tighter.
Weight crushed down on him.
He struggled to breathe.
'What am I going to do? What can I do?'
No one was coming to save him.
"Fuck."
End notes: If anyone else out there feels lonely, depressed, sad, scared about the future, you're not alone. It's okay to not be okay. But if you do feel those things, I'm here to talk if anybody wants to.