The Disastrous Superhero
A Disastrous Life of Saiki K fic
This is a humor oriented shortfic and my first attempt at this series. Enjoy
As usual I do not own the rights to Saiki K or any of the copywritten characters within.
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Once again Kusuo Saiki found himself in a situation not of his own making. Nendo and Kaido had managed to corner him while in class and insisted on walking home with him. While it was among the rather vast list of last things in the world he wanted to do, there was no legitimate excuse he could come up with that wouldn't have them asking to go along anyway. So it was best to simply go ahead and return home with them in tow. Once there the pair could wander off into a black hole as far as he was concerned. No, that wasn't true. A black hole would destroy the Earth, so he'd have to prevent it from doing that to them.
And now he found himself walking down the street, counting the steps until he could say good-bye. It was amazing how much annoying babble they could manage. Or maybe it was more like mindless chatter. It was hard to tell since the two were so much alike. But in either case the noise was like an itch he couldn't scratch. Except thanks to his telekinesis there was no itch he couldn't scratch. So the term was only a simile with it came to him. But if he suddenly couldn't use his powers and developed an itch he couldn't get to, he just knew it would be annoying as what was happening right now.
Nendo was the first to go on the senseless tangent: a common enough event. "Have you noticed how many superhero films there are lately?" As always he sounded far too excited about the subject.
"There aren't that many compared to other genre of films," Kaido contended. "There's way more dramas and romances. My mother watches them all the time and gets all weepy over them. Maybe you could watch some and learn a technique to pick up women. Like the one in 'Beauty and the Beast'."
Nendo considered that as best as he could. "You think an ugly woman is going to take me to her castle and try to romance me?"
"It's the other way around!"
Saiki remained silent since this was a conversation he didn't want to take part in. Technically that applied to 99.9% of the conversations around him. "Do you want coffee jelly?" was about the only kind that held his interest.
Kaido continued. "Have you ever given any thought to what kind of superhero you'd want to be?"
Nendo considered that. "A really smart one. I'd call myself 'Mentac'. Since I'm already so smart, it's like I almost am."
Kaido's jaw dropped. Saiki didn't blame him, as had he been less reserved he might have done the same. Although he did wonder if genius and stupidity were two sides of the same coin, and if one attained enough brilliance they'd become stupid. If so it might be Nendo was the smartest being on the planet since he was probably the only one who had made it to this level of stupid. The idea that Nendo was more brilliant than his older brother actually made Saiki almost smile.
"How about you?" Nendo asked Kaido.
He posed dramatically and smiled. "You forget, I already am."
Nendo scratched his head. "You're called Crysalot?"
"Jet Black Wings! I stand against the evil organization Dark Reunion! I've been telling you that since the first time we met!"
Saiki wondered if 'Deluded Dunce' would work better. Nendo could be, 'The Human Chin." Collectively they could be known as, 'Japan's Most Unwanted,' since they always showed up when Saiki had something better to do, like not taking part in this conversation.
As if on cue the duo turned to him. "What superhero power would you want?" Kaido asked.
"The power to go unnoticed by everyone. I'd call myself 'Anonymous Man.' Which no one would know since they'd never notice me."
Kaido held his hand to his chin. "I'm not sure that qualifies as a super power."
Nendo said, "Sure it is. You could run up huge debts and bill collectors would never find you. But you'd probably get hit by cars a lot when crossing the street since no one would notice you."
Horribly enough, that was a good point that Saiki hadn't considered. Maybe Nendo had come from the side of super intelligence and some vestiges of it remained.
Nendo again postulated a sound thought. "Why do you think there aren't any real-life super villains?"
That made Kaido scratch his head. "Maybe no one makes cool outfits like they wear in the real world?"
Saiki gave an inward sigh. He knew exactly why there were no 'real life super villains'. Firsthand knowledge as it turned out since there had been a number of people with extraordinary powers, not unlike Toritsuka or Aiura, who had powers and didn't always use them for good. Or perversion in Toritsuka's case. Each time one of them caused problems to society, Saiki intervened. Mostly because he didn't want the world to know super powers were real since it might make people focus on him, which was the last thing in the world he wanted.
Several people had been dealt with, like 'Mesmerizer, the Man with Eyes that Hypnotize.' And what idiot made his super villain name so long anyway….
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Chisato Mera was working her fourth part time job of the day as a movie theater attendant. During a rare moment of boredom she had decided to add up all the hours she worked in a week, and somehow came up with twenty-six a day, and that didn't include school. As near as she could tell, she was working at least a good two hours before she got up to go to work, which should have been impossible. Also she should have been a multi-millionaire yet was nearly always broke. It was almost like someone was playing with time and somehow she was slipping through the cracks left behind when they did it.
Someone with time controlling powers, what a silly thought.
As that went through her mind she noticed a man with sunglasses pass by. She went up to him and said, "If you're blind sir, we can help you with sound captioning."
He snarled, "I'm not blind. I suffer from a rare optical condition."
"Oh?"
"Let me show you," he offered, and removed the sunglasses.
Mera gasped, "You have no eyes."
"Have you seen someone like that before?"
"No."
"Well that's how rare it is." He put the sunglasses back on and entered the theater. Of course he had lied to the girl, but Mesmerizer, the Man with Eyes That Hypnotize,' was a bitter fellow and wanted to take it out on the world.
It hadn't always been that way. Once upon a time, when anyone looked him in the eye, they would be hypnotized, hence the name. He loved being treated like royalty by others. Getting free food. Free pedicures, which was a manly thing to do, regardless of what some people claimed. Life was good.
Then he'd heard about a high school girl that was an accurate fortune teller. Probably super powered like him. So he went off to hypnotize her and make her do his bidding. He had almost gotten there when a voice behind him said, "Hey." He turned to see an odd lad with pinkish hair look at him for a moment, then turn and walk away. That had been weird, but ultimately of no concern. He continued on his way, then noticed people staring at him in abject horror. When he asked what was wrong, they'd give nervous, "Nothing,"s in such a way that it was obvious something was horribly wrong. He looked some very tall student with a very oddly shaped chin in the eye and used his abilities to hypnotize him.
"Where'd your eyes go?" the student asked him.
"What do you mean. They're right where they've always been."
"Where's that?"
"In my head!" What was with this idiotic baboon?
"You mean in your mouth or ears? That seems like an odd place to keep them. Most people like them in their eye sockets."
This was absurd. "Bark like a dog," he ordered the hypnotized youth.
"Why?"
Which was a question he'd never been asked of a hypnotized person. "Hop on one foot," he tried.
"You mean like hopscotch? Don't we need one of those hopscotch things for that?" He looked around for one.
This was even more absurd. And now there was a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach about what the youth had said earlier. He went into the nearest bathroom and looked in a mirror.
That was when he discovered his eyes were invisible. This was especially bad since he needed visible, 'eyes to hypnotize,' for his abilities to work. And he looked really weird with transparent eyes. Optical nerves were not meant to be looked at unless one was an eye surgeon in the middle of surgery.
Sadly, at least for him, this effect seemed to be permanent. Since he didn't like being looked at like a freak, he took to wearing sunglasses wherever he went. And led a miserable life of not hypnotizing people to do his bidding.
So much for being a cool super villain.
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Yes, Mesmerizer had been a major annoyance. But he had been permanently taken care of. But he wasn't the only would-be super villain in the world. There had been, 'The Trackman.' A rather quick annoyance Saiki had taken care of as well….
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On a running track in Japan, a lean man with a red, skin-tight, full body outfit with blue lightning bolts on it (since yellow ones would have been copywrite infringement), tensed up. He said to himself, "I know I can do it this time. It's going to be different from the other two hundred and seventy-four times. I'm going to run like the wind."
He got into a starter's position for a sprint. He mentally started a countdown starting at six, because it was his favorite number. As far as he was concerned, every countdown should start with six. Top ten lists would be top six lists, and things would go quicker as well.
The countdown commenced. He did it out loud for drama. "Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One!" And he went.
For two steps his legs were a literal blur. Then he fell to the ground clutching the back of his calf. "Ah, charley horse!" So now he was up to two hundred and seventy-five times. But next time would be different. Once his legs felt better, he'd prove it.
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Saiki had made it so any time Trackman tried running faster than ten kilometers an hour, he'd get a cramp in his leg. That meant he couldn't go around robbing people at top speed any longer. Or pinching girls' bottoms at super speed, leaving them to assume the nearest man had done it and they'd receive a slap. Which was what had happened to Saiki. Which was why he had hunted the villain down and made him pay.
It also meant if Trackman was in the woods and encountered an irate bear, he'd better pray it had terrible arthritis in all of its limbs.
Then there was Microscopic Man, who could not turn microscopic in size. Nor turn other things microscopic in size. No, his power had been something else entirely.
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Inside the jewelry store, the non-descript man stared hard at the jewelry case. The store clerk wasn't looking, so this was his opportunity. He focused on the diamond necklace and activated his power.
And he could see it! The carbon atoms themselves that made up the diamond. They were there in all their carbony glory thanks to his microscopic vision.
Which didn't help him steal them in the slightest! He felt like wailing. It all should have been so easy. He had a super power. Use it to become rich. But it was his curse to have an ability that was totally useless to anyone other than a microbiologist who didn't have enough money to buy a microscope.
He hated microbiology.
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Which was why Saiki had done nothing to the man. He was as dangerous as Kaido. Which meant he was dangerous only to himself. And Microscopic Man wasn't his responsibility, so to heck with him. He was on his own.
Oh yes, Saiki had no desire to become some superhero, like Kaido and Nendo wanted to be. He'd never go around stopping super villains or saving the Earth when it was in… danger….
Oh hell. He was a superhero. He had become one without realizing what was happening. Once he thought about it, his older brother, Kusuke, was sort of an arch-rival. A genius whose plans he was always foiling, mostly because those plans involved defeating or humiliating Saiki in some way. He was like Lex Luther to his Superman. So did that make Nendo a not bright version of Jimmy Olsen, or a normal version of Bizarro? In either case he seemed to be the world's lone superhero standing in the path of villainous stupidity. In any event he was not wearing a One Punch Man outfit.
It seemed going unnoticed with a boring life was something beyond even his psychic abilities.
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END FIC
Just a little short from a series I enjoyed.