A Star Wars 'The Last Jedi' satire.
General Princess Leia Organa, with arm outstretched, crosses the void of space using the Force to pull herself back to her blown up ship. As she passes, we see our hero, ADMIRAL ACKBAR hanging on to a space door like fucking Jack in Titanic.
Ackbar has been here before. Down on his luck. Counted out. His whole life people have underestimated the tenacity of a lobster man rising through the ranks. He sees his fellow Resistance leaders choking in the nothingness but stays as cool as a Mon Calamari winter.
With a torque of his body he drafts into the riptide, propelling him forward. But he's not settling for another First Order chase. He's too old for that shit. This war has gone on long enough. He plans to end it. BY. HIM. SELF.
He surfs the space door through the riptide and grabs on to the back of a TIE fighter like Marty McFly on a skateboard. Next stop: the front door of that tall, ugly, California Raisin face having, fucc boi, Sylvester Snoke.
The TIE fighter pilot lands his pregnant capital H looking ship in the hanger bay. He pops the hatch open and can't wait for a celebratory space beer after killing a whole rack of people. A swinging fist/claw wipes the smug look off his face. The power generated by Ackbar's huge forearm knocks the pilot out cold. The unconscious pilot also pees his pants. Before taking off he was sidetracked by an argument about if Wookie dicks are more like people dicks or dog dicks. He forgot to go the bathroom and was holding his pee in for the whole space battle.
Seconds later, Ackbar exits the TIE fighter wearing the sleek black pilot uniform. (With the crotch dried as best he could) He strolls through the ship with the confidence of a man lobster daring someone to ask if he belongs.
Ackbar passes a door slightly ajar. A silhouette catches his eye. He backtracks and slides the door open. Sitting on the bed in lingerie (but her helmet is still on) is Captain Phasma!
"Pilot, you are in an area you do not have security access to." Phasma chastises.
"Let's talk... access." Ackbar whispers seductively.
Ackbar kisses Phasma passionately. Then pleasures her sexually for an undetermined amount of time. (However long it takes Rose and Finn to go to Canto Bight and Rey to come back from Achto.)
Ackbar gets up from the space bed, sweat glistening on his body. (It's Phasma's sweat not his. He's a lobster man that doesn't have sweat glands) Phasma is still asleep. Ackbar picks up her code cylinder.
"Thanks for the... access." Ackbar quips. He looks around to see if anyone heard his witty double entendres. No one did. He blows her a kiss and walks across the hallway to the First Order laundry room where he runs into Finn, Rose and DJ!
"Admiral! You're alive!" Rose exclaims.
"No shit." Ackbar retorts.
"They're tracking us through hyperspace we need to find the…" Finn rambles before Ackbar cuts him off.
"Lame. I'm going to kill Snoke." Ackbar picks up Finn's leather jacket and puts it on.
"Wow that jacket looks good on you." Rose fawns.
"No shit." Ackbar responds. Then he looks DJ up and down. "I'm not even going to ask about this guy. He is for sure going to double cross you."
Ackbar walks out the door. Finn, Rose and DJ look at him like he's a god.
Ackbar steps into the elevator, opens the hatch in the ceiling and climbs up. The hatch shuts and in walks Kylo Ren and Rey. Ackbar can feel their sexual tension but is worried they might be cousins so can't really enjoy it.
Ackbar uses Phasma's code cylinder to jack into the communications system.
"Holdo it's me, Ackbar."
"Oh my God you're alive!" Holdo exclaims.
"No shit."
"They are picking us apart. I don't know what to do." Holdo laments.
"I made a plan for this. Just sit in my seat and press the red button."
"OK. See you soon."
"Probably not."
"What?" Holdo asks.
Ackbar hangs up.
Ackbar dials the Millenium Falcon
"Chewie, it's me Ackbar."
"Rrraaaaawwwwooo" Chewbacca exclaims.
"No shit. Come pick me up on Snoke's ship."
Ackbar heads to Snoke's throne room. He runs into eight Praetorian guards and fights them all himself. He's like Steven Segal throwing them around and making them bump into each other and shit. They look real foolish.
He opens the door to the throne room and sees Kylo Ren across from Rey.
"Join me." Kylo Ren calls to Rey.
"It's a trap!" Ackbar screams.
Kylo and Rey look at Ackbar then... BOOM! Holdo's ship cuts through the Supremacy just like Ackbar planned.
It's quiet for a lot longer than movies are usually quiet for.
Ackbar is shook, but alive. Kylo Ren and Rey are knocked out. Ackbar hears a noise behind him.
It's Snoke! The top half of his body is crawling away.
Ackbar walks over to Snoke and puts a blaster to his head.
"That's a wrap." Ackbar quips.
Hot laser explodes Snoke's brains all over the floor. Ackbar looks around to see if anyone heard his sick burn before he shot Snoke. No one did.
Ackbar sees the Millenium Falcon out the window. He throws Kylo Ren over one shoulder and Rey over the other. Ackbar aims his blaster at the window and fires. The three bodies hurdle through space right into the open door of the Falcon.
Ackbar walks into the cockpit.
"Rrroooowwwwwgggg" Chewie yells.
"Achto. And step on it." Ackbar says.
Chewie punches in the components and pushes the lever rocketing the ship to hyperspace.
Old Ass Jedi Luke sits in the ashes of the Jedi tree on Achto. The Falcon pulls overhead and Ackbar jumps out holding Kylo Ren and Rey.
"Admiral Ackbar! You're alive!" Luke exclaims.
"No shit."
Ackbar drops the kids at Luke's feet.
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I'm sorry I burned your temple down." Kylo says to Luke.
"And…" Ackbar encourages.
"I'm sorry I thought about killing you." Luke says to Kylo.
"And…" Ackbar encourages.
"I'm sorry I stole the books from your tree." Rey says to Luke.
"And…" Ackbar encourages.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that Palpatine is your father." Luke says to Rey.
Ackbar tracks that Kylo and Rey aren't actually related and files that offf as something to think about later.
Luke, Rey and Kylo Ren all hug. Ackbar smiles. He looks around and sees some hot ass fish nuns. Ackbar flips the collar of his leather jacket and says, "A lobster man could get used to this."
The End.