Holding Keys To Dreams
Disclaimer: I do not own Little Women, the novel belongs to Louisa May Alcott, and in light of this month, being March and also in light of these events, I couldn't help but think of Beth, who had always been my favorite character, I felt that she needed an homage in the form of a voice, which I can only wonder what she was thinking during her days, and so much more recognition. I was sad about her ending, and felt inspired by her giving nature, and know that many are giving up much today, for an incredibly inspiring cause.
Beth weakly turned her head to the window, hearing the songs of birds outside, and swallowed thickly. She didn't play much these days so this was pretty to listen to; the sun was out, there were pretty white fluffy clouds, hovering above. It reminded her of one of Amy's paintings. The thought of Amy made her smile. She must be enjoying Paris with Aunt March, and no doubt fit in splendidly. Beth felt admiration for her again, and wished she could have been a bit braver. There was an absence of jealousy and envy, for she felt none. Admiration, longing and pride was all she felt now. Admiration for Amy for being so brave and in Paris, studying and perfecting her art, admiration for Jo for going to New York for pursuing her dreams of being a writer, and making such new and interesting friends with exciting people, like the professor from her letters. Admiration for Meg, for following her dreams of wanting a family and home of her own. With it came a touch of pride~ Pride in all of them, she could tell anyone who asked, that these were her sisters, and if she could be a braver person she would brag and praise them all in one breath.
She was proud of and admired Marmee for always being so strong, good and resolute. Of Father, who bravely went off to fight on the battlefield and faced injustice. And of Hannah for her unwavering love and loyalty to all of them, and always being so encouraging.
Beth felt herself smile as she thought of all of them, then turned her head to look at her needlework. Moving to sit upwards, woodenly, and carefully, she moved her hand to grab her work along with the threads and needle.
It still felt heavy in her fingers...
"And you Beth? What would you wish for?"
"What will you get for your dollar Bethie?"
"Thank you Crickett~"
"You will remember to look after the Hummels' while I'm gone won't you?"
"It belonged to my little girl. And I thought that it should make music again..."
Her fingers haven't brushed against the keys in quite a while – she had lost count, but she longed for it. She longed for many things, since she had plenty of time now to lie back and think.
She wondered what had become of the Hummel family. All those six children, and their mother...No, not six anymore, it was five now...
Pushing away her embroidery, Beth sunk back deeper into the pillow, remembering a small pale, and blue face. And it felt like it had been only yesterday when she held that same baby and rocked it back and forth, like a mother...
A mother...
Closing her eyes, Beth fought back tears, a shaky watery smile forming on her lips.
Beth longed for her family again, and for all of them to be together, but now she also longed to add onto that family.
A family of her own. A kind and gentle husband, like father, and children, maybe four like her and her sisters...or all boys...or both. Perhaps her and her husband would not have minded, so long as they were all together...
If only...
That would have been lovely – to have what Marmee and Meg have, and what Amy will soon have, no doubt.
Beth longed for family, she longed for love, if she was not so frightened and painfully shy and timid.
Tears rolled down and fell into her dark red brown auburn hair as she opened her eyes and gazed at the ceiling. Her dreams could be enough most days, dreams of the future, where she was a wife and mother, and helped out those in need. Perhaps ran an orphanage and kitchen for those children less fortunate. She could entertain them with music and songs; her needlework had been good before, she could sew clothes for them, and sew dolls and toys together. For them she would give anything to let them know that they were loved by someone. Yes that was what she longed for... Amy, no doubt might be hesitant to agree to such a dream, but even she could be generous and loving. Jo had no qualms about giving up possessions for the less fortunate – she was an incredible writer, and would make a fortune, this Beth knew, and perhaps would donate some of that money. Meg was also very charitable and sweet. But Beth could understand that Meg and Amy longed for wealth and pretty things, after all both were so pretty, and wanted comfort above all things. Even Jo was beautiful, her gorgeous hair was every girl's dream, and it did not matter that she was a tomboy.
And yet all three of them had that in common – they loved the stage. The attention, the recognition and the admiration they received, whether it was for the beauty and looks, their talent, and their art.
Yet Beth never wanted any of that. Not the fame, recognition, wealth or admiration. She never did well with attention. And she was never brave like the rest of them. She had no plans aside from wanting to live in a comfortable house with a sweet man and all her family together.
Beth was never brave like the rest of them...except for when she had gone straight to Mr. Laurence to thank him for the beautiful piano. Staring at the ceiling, Beth suddenly felt the longing to go and see him, if only her body hadn't been so weak.
Her mind wandered to the mention of Mr. Laurence's granddaughter...Had he ever mentioned her name? Had she lived, would they be friends?
Beth flicked her gaze to the window again; the sun was still out, and with the room partially bathed in warm gold, it felt like her sisters were downstairs again. She missed them all so much, especially Jo, and how she would read to her. Father was wonderful company when he was not too busy. And Beth hated to trouble him or anyone, but he had the same enthusiasm as Jo did when he would read to her.
The warmth of the sun felt good on her face, Beth found herself loving it, and it allowed her to close her eyes and dream of something warm and pleasant; most nights it would be of all of them together, or of a family.
As she would grow, most times it would be of love...Beth could entertain the idea of loving Laurie, but he loved Jo, and Beth honestly could only see him as a brother. Still it never stopped her from wondering what that kind of love must feel like.
The kind that Laurie felt for Jo, the kind Beth knew Marmee and Father felt for each other, yet both were completely the opposite.
The torment of unrequited love...and a harmonious, gentle and loving sweet love between a man and woman.
Was that a marriage?
Beth wondered if she should ask Jo, though she would know what Jo would say already, and couldn't help but laugh softly under her breath.
Would Meg know? She would with the way she loved her husband...
And Amy, such a dreamer she was~
Jo abhorred the very notion, and yet her romantic scenes said otherwise – Beth always wondered if perhaps Jo secretly longed for it. Though for Jo there was no greater love than her writing, and the stage, should her stories ever be a play, as they have always put on together~
A life on stage...Lord, what a thought, Beth told herself as she smiled at that. If only she could dare herself to dream that big, and if she was a braver person, she could pursue the life of a concert pianist. Beth smiled closing her eyes; a large hall with many people, whom she would tell herself to not fear, an orchestra, the conductor, and perhaps a stage singer, or a whole cast, whilst she played her piano piece, and by the end would follow a thunderous applause, if the audience liked it. If only... Beth wondered what it would be like to be on stage, and be brave like her sisters, and Marmee. But Beth knew she could never leave home, never leave Marmee and Father, and Hannah, and even Mr. Laurence...the whole of Concord. This was her home and she would miss it far more than ever trying for a life on stage as a musician.
Jo was the brave and wild one, like a seagull, not afraid to fly out to sea, and brave any storms heading her way. Amy, though being delicate, was a doll, if with proper care could still remain strong and still be so pretty. And Meg...dear Meg with her babies...she'll make a fine mother, like Marmee.
And Beth knew that she was Marmee's little Crickett on the Hearth, content to sing a happy tune, and never wander far from home...
A knock on her door jars her from her thoughts, and again Beth wonders if Jo or Meg have come to visit? She wouldn't dare think it Amy, because Europe is so important, and Aunt March needs much care.
Perhaps it's Hannah with supper, and Beth raises herself up, "Please come in," she calls out delicately.
The door opens, and Beth smiles, knowing Spring has come for sure this time, and she's grateful to see another, and hopes she can make her family understand somehow, that Beth knows that for her their sake, her life will always have meaning, and she will be homesick for them, but soon perhaps...
She can unlock the dreams that await her next...
"Jo..," Beth's smile grows as her eyes glass over, feeling some strength return to her, "So much we have to share," she whispers softly.