South Park Elementary: Tweek and Craig are talking at Tweek's locker.
Tweek: So, we're seeing 'Sonic the Hedgehog' tonight?
Craig: Yep. I got tickets. See you there, bro.
At the other end of the hall, single girls were watching the bromance.
Jenny: Damn, Craig is so attractive and cool. Too bad he's gay for Tweek. Stupid Asian Girls.
PC Principal (Offscreen): I heard that Miss Simons! That's an afterschool detention!
Esther: Who cares if he's gay? Watch this, girls.
Esther makes her move.
Craig is now at his locker, packing his bag. He closes his locker, and sees Esther behind the door.
Esther: Hi Craig.
Craig: What do you want, Esther?
Esther: Just to feel your soft lips on mine, and your big dick in my mouth.
Craig: Esther, no! I'm gay! I'm not attracted to girls-
Esther (Covers is mouth): That's enough Craig. Come to the closet.
Craig: Fuck off!
Esther isn't repulsed by Craig's words. Instead, they turn her on. She grabs him by the collar and drags him off to the janitors closet.
Craig: Tweek! HELP ME!
Tweek sees what is happening, but is too scared to do anything, as Craig disappears into the closet with Esther.
Tweek: No! Craig!
Millie (Already making her move behind him): You're coming home with me Tweek.
Tweek: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Stan (From a distance): What the fuck is going on?
A Few Hours Later...
The closet door opens; Craig is released from the closet, covered in kiss marks and dazed.
Craig: I'll save you Tweek.
He passes out near the wall; he's leaning against it. Esther appears, wiping a creamy white substance from her lips.
Esther: Bye Craig. Had a great time.
Slaps his butt.
At Millie's, Tweek is having anything but a great time; Millie has tied him to her bed and is taking his pants off.
Tweek (Struggling to break free): Let me go, you crash bitch!
Millie: Oh relax. Say, it's getting warm in here. (Takes her shirt off)
Tweek: No! No! Craig!
Outside, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walked past the house confused.
Kyle: What's going on with Tweek?
Cartman: Craig's probably raping him.
Stan: Too far.
Meanwhile, Craig wakes up.
Craig: What happened? Wait, I think something's changed in me. I know what I have to do.
He arrives home, and goes to the basement, where his father has kept a collection of Creek paintings.
Craig: This is so gay! Gross! I wanna be sick!
He leaves; he returns from the garage with a sledgehammer and begins to destroy the paintings of him and Tweek engaging in homosexual acts.
Meanwhile...
Stan arrives home to discover Wendy sitting on his bed dressed like Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct'. She uncrosses her legs, flashing her vagina at him.
Stan: Wendy what are you doing?
Wendy: Trying to be sexy for you.
Stan (Looking at her vagina): Wendy, please put on some underwear!
Wendy: Don't you like it? (Pulls a pouty face, and crosses her legs)
Stan: No-yes. It's just, we're too young. Also I don't wanna be grounded for this. So, please put on some underwear!
Wendy: Your dad doesn't give a fuck. And neither do we.
Stan: Actually I do. So, please put on some underwear.
Wendy uncrosses her legs again.
Wendy: Please take a picture Stan.
Stan grunted.
Stan: Wendy, please put on some underwear before my parents get home!
Wendy: If you don't, I'll dump you!
Stan: Wendy, what has happened to you? You're blackmailing me all because I don't want to have sex!
Wendy: Do it Stan!
Stan rushes out of the room and calls Kyle.
Stan (Putting his phone to his ear): C'mon Kyle, pick up!
Kyle doesn't pick up; Bebe and Heidi have him pinned to his own bed and are smothering him. His phone starts ringing.
Kyle: Excuse me girls, I got to take this.
Heidi: I'll take it, honey.
Heidi hangs up on Stan, and resumes kissing and licking Kyle's torso.
Stan: Dammit! I'll try Cartman.
He calls Cartman.
Cartman Residence: Cartman is recording himself playing 'Splatoon 2', and he set his phone to silent.
Stan: Shit. Kenny doesn't have a phone, I'll try Butters.
But Butters actually answered.
Butters: Hey Stan, is your girlfriend acting weird?
Stan: Yeah, she wants me to take a photo of her vagina. Why?
Butters: Well it's just, the same thing is happening with Nelly.
Stan: What's she doing?
Butters: She wants me to do a nude drawing of her.
Stan: First 'Basic Instinct', and now 'Titanic'. Why are they like this?
Nelly: C'mon, Butters baby. Draw me, then fuck me!
Butters: How about I draw you and that's it?
Nelly: No! I want you to grind me!
Stan: Butters, meet me at the gay bar
Butters: Why? We aren't gay.
Stan: It's so the girls don't find us.
Butters: Ok.
Stan hangs up, and goes back inside his room.
Stan: Wendy, I'm going out and when I get back, I promise we can fuck.
Stan goes to his bedroom door, but he finds it locked from the inside.
Stan: Where's the key?
Wendy: It's in my bra. If you want it, you gotta get in there.
Stan breathes, to brace himself. With his eyes closed, he puts his arm down Wendy's top. Wendy begins moaning in pleasure.
Stan: I don't feel the key.
Wendy: But do my boobs feel better than a key?
Stan: Pretty much.
Stan cringed but he found the key. He unlocks his bedroom door.
Stan: I'm gonna lock you in until I get back, okay?
Wendy: Ok, but don't be long.
Stan leaves, and locks the door.
Later, at the Gay bar.
Big Gay Al: Hi Stan, how are you? I'm super, thanks for asking.
Stan: Big Gay Al? Do you own this place?
Big Gay Al: Yeah, Mr. Slave and I bought this place when the original owner was murdered by a psychopathic homophobe.
Stan: Right.
Stan and Butters sit at the bar.
Butters: What are we gonna do Stan?
Stan: I don't know.
Big Gay Al: So what's troubling you two today? If you don't mind me asking. You two don't seem super.
Stan: Our girlfriends wanna have sex with us
Big Gay Al was shocked; he drops his cigarette.
Mr Slave: Oh Jesus Christ.
Craig arrives.
Bartender: Hey! We don't serve your kind here!
Craig: What?
Bartender: You're pretending to be gay, and we don't like that!
Craig: Look, I'm just going to see my friends. I'm not getting a drink.
Mr Slave: Bartender! Be nice to this boy. I got a big black dildo, and I'll hit you with it if you don't remain nice.
Bartender: Alright. Sorry.
Craig sits at the bar with Stan and Butters.
Craig: Stan, Butters? You're gay too?
Stan: No. We're hiding from our girls.
Butters: Yeah. They're acting horny for some reason.
Craig: And I got some sense knocked into me by one of them.
Stan: How?
Butters: How?
Craig: Esther just came up to me while I was talking with Tweek, and she started dragging me off to the closet. I can't remember what happened, but when I was freed, I passed out, and my current self met my past, hetero self, and there was an internal fight.
Stan: Who won?
Craig: The hetero me. Who also revealed that the yaoi girls were actually crab people in disguise.
Stan: That's impossible. Decapods can't fit into people.
Craig: It's crazy, but its true. Now, what did Wendy and Nelly try to do with you?
Stan: She was acting like Sharon Stone on 'Basic Instinct'.
Butters: Nelly wanted me to draw her naked like Kate Winslet on 'Titanic'.
Craig: Damn, so what is this about?
Stan: We need to find the cause of all this.
Butters: But how will we go out undetected?
Big Gay Al: Well looks like you three need disguises. So we're gonna disguise you as girls.
Craig: Why can we dress up as stereotypical gays?
Big Gay Al: Because fat or not, they'll be in your asses. Now come on, I'm so super excited for the fashion montage.
The montage begins: Stan, Craig and Butters are with Big Gay Al in the back room, getting makeovers. They emerge from the back room with the following:
- Stan is wearing a brown crop-top and denim khakis, with black, wavy shoulder-length hair for a wig.
-Butters is wearing a light-blue dress with pink and yellow flower, and his wig is blonde hair with ponytails.
-Craig comes out with a dark-blue t-shirt and black skirt, with a black wig reaching all the way down his back.
Big Gay Al: Your names?
Stan: Stacy.
Butters: Marjorine.
Craig: Clarissa.
Big Gay Al: Super! Now find that no good perverted son of a bitch who did this to the girls.
The boys leave the bar.
Bartender: And never come back!
"Craig" flips him off.
They're walking down the street, looking for the source of the girls' strange behaviour.
Craig: This wig is making my head feel itchy.
Butters: Keep your hair on, we'll soon find the cause. Also, what about the other boys?
At Lola's house, Kenny is bound to a table and Lola is wearing nothing and slapping his butt, before putting on a strap and entering him from behind.
Kenny: This is so painful.
Lola: This is fucking great! And my parents aren't home!
The three disguised boys run into Esther and Jenny.
Esther: Hey girls, have you seen Craig anywhere?
"Craig" nods from side to side.
Esther: Oh. What's your name? I've never seen you before.
"Craig" (In his best feminine voice): Clarissa.
Esther: Nice to meet you Clarissa. If you see Craig anywhere, call me.
"Craig" nods up and down.
Esther: See ya around. C'mon Jenny.
They leave.
"Stan": That was close. C'mon, let's go to Wendy's house. She's not even home. I locked her in my room before I left.
They break into Wendy's house, and get on her computer. Stan searches her browser history and finds a site called FanFiction. He opens it, and reads one story about him and Wendy getting it on.
"Stan": What the fuck?
He reads more of them, based on the hetero couples of South Park.
"Stan": So this is why they're acting horny. Who wrote these?
"Craig": I think I know why they're acting like stupid spoiled whores.
"Stan": Why?
"Craig": Paris 'Fucking' Hilton!
Dramatic Music Cue. "Stan" and "Craig" look at "Butters", who has "his" phone out.
"Butters": Sorry. (Turns "his" phone off)
Meanwhile, Red is pressing her breasts into Kevin's face.
Red: C'mon Kev, baby, touch'em, squeeze'em, twist'em.
Kevin: I'm not exactly comfortable with this, Rebecca.
"Butters": Why is Paris doing this?
"Stan": She must be trying to bring back the stupid spoiled whores phase.
"Craig": That sounds very 2004.
"Stan": I think she want's revenge.
"Craig": She's too stupid for revenge.
"Stan" and "Butters" leave to confront their girls.
Stan returns to his room, without his disguise. Wendy is still on his bed, only now, she is stark naked.
Wendy: Stan, baby, you're back. Now, we gonna have sex? I'm all yours.
Stan: Wendy, there's something I need to know. Do you read Fan Fiction?
Wendy: Why ask that silly? Of course I do.
Stan: About us. Did we fuck in the locker room after a football game?
Wendy: Yes.
Stan: That never happened Wendy. It was on that stupid FanFiction story.
Wendy: It's not stupid Stan! (She looks down) And look, your little friend is up.
Butters enters the room.
Butters: Yes I'm up. Wendy, you do realise those stories were written by Paris Hilton?
Wendy: She wrote those?! Impressive.
Stan: Don't worry Wendy, me and Butters and Craig will break this psychotic spell, one way or another.
Stan and Butters leave.
The three boys sees Paris Hilton in her private room at the Airport Hilton, on her laptop.
Paris Hilton: Kyle, Bebe and Heidi engage in threesome in locker room, coming up.
Stan: Butters, go!
Butters puts on the teddy bear costume and walks out. He shouts up into her room.
Butters: Paris Hilton!
Paris Hilton walks over to the window, and sees him.
Paris Hilton: Mr Biggles?
Butters: Yes! It's Mr Biggles!
Paris jumps out the window, lands on her feet, and starts hugging Butters
Paris Hilton: You're as cute as ever! I missed you so much! (Starts peppering him in kisses)
Stan: Okay Craig, now!
Craig fires a tranquilliser at Paris Hilton's ass. She falls, crushing Butters in the process. Stan and Craig climb up to the window of her room, get on her laptop, and delete all the stories, before throwing it on the floor, and smashing it up with a baseball bat.
The next morning, at her house. Red wakes up, forgetting she is still naked from her "antics" the previous night.
Red: Now, which steamy stories of me and Kevin are new?
She opens her computer.
Red: They should be right- where are they?
All over South Park, the girls began to realise that the stories were gone and slowly, they started to turn back to normal.
Heidi: Kyle, Bebe and I are sorry for smothering you.
Kyle: It's cool. I forgive you.
He wraps his arms around them, and hugs his two girlfriends; they hug him back.
Nelly wakes up in Butters' room wondering why she's naked.
Nelly: Where are my clothes?
Butters walks in, and freezes. Butters is looking at her naked butt.
Butters: Nelly?
Nelly: Eeek! Butters.
Butters: I found your clothes. My mom accidentally put them in the wash.
Nelly: Give'em here.
She puts on her panties and bra, and then her pants and green flower shirt.
Nelly: Can you forgive me for last night?
Butters: Always, babe.
They hug and kiss.
Wendy wakes up in Stan's room, still dressed like Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct'.
Wendy: Stan, can I have my normal clothes please?
Stan: Yeah.
He fishes them out; Wendy changes into them.
Wendy: Sorry for trying to seduce you last night.
Stan: Forget about last night. I love you, and that's all that matters.
They embrace tenderly, and kiss lovingly.
Stan: Well I'm glad that's over.
In his room, Cartman is writing steamy South Park stories.
Cartman: ...And so, Nelly sucked Butters' hunky penis all night long. The End.
The End?