1: What Do I Look Like?
Imagine it's the dead of winter and you're outside, chopping the head off a man. Don't worry, he's already dead. You're hacking the head off of a dead man with rippling muscles and a swastika tattooed on his tongue with the name of his mother on his bottom lip. Anyway you're able to cut his head off, but your axe now has a broken handle.
So you take the handle to the hardware store to get it fixed. To explain the red stains you say it's barbecue sauce. It works.
Now you have a fixed axe, ready for anything. A year passes with nothing out of the ordinary. Then one day a squirming parasitic worm falls from the ceiling onto your cutting board that hasn't seen any action since you can't cook. Your trusty axe is within reach so you grab it and dispatch the creature. Now your axe head is broken.
You take your axe back to the hardware store to replace your axe's broken axe head. This time it was broken while you were chopping through bones as you butchered a cow. Which is strange since you have never butchered a cow, nor do you look like the type that would do such a thing.
When you get home you carry your axe back to its rightful place. Before you do your front door is kicked in by the man whose head you cut off a year ago. His head appears to be sewn back on using butcher string and he still has the angry look on his face.
With a raspy voice he croaks out, "That's the axe that killed me!" Then he charged at me.
Is he right? Maybe? I don't know.
I have walked this path for a long time now. The sun has set and I still follow the star, longing to find the Princess or anyone else like me...or at least wanted to in the beginning. At my side is my trusted mentor, and friend, Artemis. He's a white tomcat who can talk and do some pretty cool stuff.
Together we are a crime fighting team, however, instead of stopping at normal crimes such as bank robbery or petty theft, we have the tendency to fight monsters. This has made me question my sanity from day one, and yet it still has me questioning whether or not this is real.
Like any girl, I dream of finding true love and eventually settling down. However, in this line of work, I don't get that option. Apparently I'm a sworn protector of a royal bloodline that descended from the moon or at least that's what Artemis has told me. I've come to find out that is true.
I've noticed that the world around me doesn't notice the weird shit going on around town. It's like the old kaiju movies, where monsters attack Tokyo all the time and people are just accustomed to that. Before, I never noticed the old lady getting robbed by the fairies, or the gnomes removing the safety labels on hazardous products, or even the ghost haunting the high school's gym. All the things they called the old man near the Hikawa Shrine weird for, is all too real.
Now where was I? Oh right, the life of dedication to duty. My mission, the one my cat gave me was one that I never wanted. However, the appeal of something shiny and one of a kind has me jumping at the opportunity, or was it because I felt bad for stepping on Artemis.
Anyway, I located the other guardians and our lovable Princess. Together, with Usagi, the cute klutzy blonde; Ami, the genius; Rei, the fiery sexy miko with a sixth sense; Makoto, the kind-hearted, homemaking, powerhouse karate master; Artemis' girlfriend, or is it cat friend, Luna; and of course the one hot guy supposedly betrothed to Usagi through some hard to understand love story that just sounds like something from Greek mythology. Oh and I almost forgot about the four guardians of the outer system which consist of a lesbian family structure that makes no sense and is vaguely similar to a children's show about gay space rocks, but who am I to judge?
My name is Aino Minako, the current incarnation of the guardian of Venus, Sailor Venus. I'm the one that takes Usagi's place in order to keep her safe, or rather I'm more of a decoy. However, I must state that I am not like her in putting myself in danger.
Currently I'm sitting at a pizzeria. It is run by a fat Korean man who knows nothing about pizza or cooking. However, this is the most unsuspecting place for a meeting. No one knows my identity as I have disguised myself. The others have as well and we all live under assumed names.
Anyway, I sit here waiting for a reporter to show up. I start noticing all the weird shit happening around me. There's a wizard ordering the Chicago style pizza, which turns out to be just a hotdog with an ungodly amount of sauerkraut on it.
There is a giant rabbit staring at me. It is dark and a little creepy but nothing too bad. I just wish it would stop staring at me.
I close my eyes for a moment to think back about all the shit we've been through. As I opened my eyes I see an overweight bald white American man dressed in a grey suit. He bowed to me as if we were going to fight.
"Hello" he says as he sits down. "I take it that you are V." He looks at me skeptically. "A simple letter to show anonymity. Interesting."
"The letter of justice as well as a reference to something else," I say. He is not convinced. "So I take it that you're Mr. Anderson."
"Yes and you say you have a story for me," he says.
"I have a story that would make your career," I say.
"I doubt it but go ahead and start," he says as he pulls a notepad from his suit jacket.
"Now where to begin," I say. "I was born to a rich family, I had 5 other siblings but I was a bastard. At the age of 15 my father was killed while trying to oppose a rival organization. My mother was long dead. I lost two of my brothers and two of my sisters went missing. My younger brother was paralyzed in an accident where he was thrown from a window. I was sen-"
"This sounds like the life of Jon Snow," he says as he puts his pen down.
"I thought that would give the story a hint of spice," I say.
"I want the truth," he says.
"We all want the truth but are we all able to stand it?" I ask.
(Author's note: for the purpose of maintaining the integrity of the story, you, the reader will get to read it as Minako remembers it so the names are the same. Mr. Anderson gets the pseudonyms. Are we good? Good.)
Where shall I begin? Let's start at the beginning of the excitement. This is the story of how my friends as well as I died.
So 2:00 AM, I'm asleep on the couch. I passed out after drinking myself to sleep like I usually do. Okay I guess that night I was partying with Rei and she passed out at my place. We've been friends for quite some time now and we occasionally get together and drink ourselves silly. It's not like we're dating, it's just that we are really close friends and people just assume we're a couple. Yeah, we're a couple of really good friends. Sure we kissed that one time, or maybe it was twice, then again we did wake up naked together after Usagi's 20th birthday bash. Enough of that, let's get back to the story.
Anyway we're passed out with the TV on and I was holding a jar of pickles for some reason. The communicator starts ringing and my eyes snap open.
"Minako! We need your help," Ami says as I glance at the wrist communicator.
"What did she do this time?" I say, knowing fully that our princess has gone off and gotten herself in some sort of trouble.
"You're not going to believe it," Ami says with a sigh. "It's back."
"Which it?" I ask.
"It," Ami says stoically.
"At least it isn't Hitler," I reply, hoping to get a giggle. However, I was greeted with silence.
"Shut up and come help us get rid of this bastard so we can all rest for five seconds before she does something else," Ami says before hanging up
I sit on the couch, groggy and hungover. Stretching I stand up and look at Rei sleeping with a bottle of Yakuza's Best Whisky. Knowing she won't wake up easily, I pick her up and carry her to the car. Carefully buckling her in I remember that I forgot the jar of pickles. Quickly I run back in and grab the jar of pickles and run back out. Rei was already awake and in the driver's seat.
"Rei, I'm driving," I say.
"In your dreams," Rei says as she points to the passenger seat. Grudgingly I get in and fasten the seatbelt. Rei was my fiery goddess, I mean, she was my friend. I mean have you seen her in a swimsuit? She's fucking gorgeous.
Rei drove off like a bat outta hell. I forgot to ask where Artemis was but I could hear him screaming in the backseat.
"When did you get here?" I ask. The white cat's claws dig into the car's upholstery.
"I saw you carrying Rei," Artemis says as he struggles to find his footing. "I followed so I won't get left behind like always."
I often wondered why we don't run like we used to, but then I remembered that was back when we were younger. I won this car from Haruka after we bet on what a monster was going to do and she lost and it was a disturbing loss that I wish I didn't encounter. Let's just say Giant Space Hamsters are weird creatures. Anyway, this car is a Ferrari 365 and Haruka went through hell and back trying to get this car to add to her collection. Unfortunately, this baby is mine. Oh the woes of the rich.
As Rei rounded a corner we parked in front of the sewage processing facilities. It was literally the shittiest place we've been to since that time we fought the giant sloth swimming in the bay area. However, we all knew that this was a favorite hiding spot for baddies. What can I say, shit attracts flies.
We get out and I make sure to grab the jar of pickles. Why pickles? I had a dream where some person told me that a pickle will save my life or the life of another. So ever since then I carry a jar of pickles with me wherever I go. Plus it makes for a great snack.
"Can you put those pickles down?" Rei asks as she opens the trunk. She pulls out a glowing sword. Artemis jumps up and watches Rei pack up her pack.
"No, these are the only things that will prevent death," I say as I pick up my pack. "I still don't know why we pack these around, they don't really help us."
"It's a disguise," Artemis says as he jumps down onto the ground.
"Couldn't we just use the pens to transform?" Rei asks.
"You wouldn't get to use that sword if you just transformed," Artemis says as he walks to the sewage plant. "How does our Princess find her way to these places?"
"Some candy and the promise to change their ways," Rei says as she opens the door.
The room on the other side was lit by the glow of multiple security monitors. Sailor Mercury stood in front of the screens with Jupiter, Tuxedo Mask, and Luna.
"Why do they get to transform?" I ask. I drop my pack off near the door but kept a hold of the jar of pickles.
"What's with the jar of pickles?" Jupiter asks pointing to the jar of pickles in my hands. She always poked fun at the weird shit that I carry but the shoe flips around as it's the weird shit that saves her ass.
"A snack for later," I say jokingly.
"The voices in her head made her bring them along," Rei growls as she threw her pack onto the floor.
The screens caught static and a bunch of shadows leaked out of the monitors.
Great, these assholes, I think to myself. I prepare myself to transform. With lightning speed I pull the henshin stick out of my pocket.
"Venus-" I say as the slime freaks form before all of us. They take our sticks and slink back into the screens.
Before any of us could do anything else Artemis, Luna, Mercury, and Tuxedo Mask were dragged into the screens. They disappear without any of us doing anything to help. Then the screens returned to the normal security footage.
"Well that's unfortunate," I say.
"This isn't going to be easy," Rei says. She hands Makoto a sawed off shotgun.
"Is it ever easy?" I ask.
"Only getting into your pants is easy," Rei said.
Makoto groans as she heads for the door. "I'm going to ask for some help." She flips us off as she leaves. "Bye losers."
"Fuck you too," I call out.
"Get me to the shrine stat," Rei says.
I nod and head to the car. As I start the car I marvel at Rei as she gets in. I'm totally not into her.
You are into her, the voice sounds a lot like Rei's.
"What?" I ask.
"I didn't say anything," Rei says
No one but you can hear me, I look around but there is no one else around. Just drive.
I start driving to the Hikawa shrine. As I turn the corner a Jamaican man bolts out in front of us. Slamming on the breaks I get out and check on the man.
He lands on his feet, though he is missing a shoe. The reggae man was pure Rastafarian.
"Woman, If I wasn't magic this would be tragic," he says. His eyes then focuses on Rei. "I see a hint of disbelief, but is communing with your gods give the same relief?"
"I'm not the one to say anything," Rei says. "But I do know someone who would have a few things to say to you."
"Kaioh Michiru is the name is it not?" He asks.
"Hey that didn't rhyme," I say.
"Shut up Mina," Rei says.
"An attractive blonde I talked to about the magic, but she went after a dog that was a manic," he says as he lifts up his pant leg to reveal a deep gash.
"Haruka," I say.
"She spoke of her partner who is quite a sight, and the one who won the fight in legends told of a sacred night," he says. "I still think she's a fraud but her act I do applaud."
"We gotta go," Rei says as she heads back to the car.
"Still not convinced?" he says as Rei walks away. "You, Minako, you had a dream. One where you try to save a girl. Things are not what they seem. They will throw you for a whirl. She will die and so will you,"
"Um, I think I'm gonna go now," I say. I turn and walk away. As I get in Rei is passed out again. I shrug and start up the car and drive away. Rei moves around and then pukes in the car.
"I think I'm dying," Rei groans as she slumps forward.
Stupidly I grab her to try to shake her awake, honestly, why did I expect that to work? For that split second I remember that I was driving but my hands are off the steering wheel. Another stupid move, I jerk the wheel and steer us into the back of a parked police car.
Rei was unconscious. I try hopelessly to shake her awake but she was unresponsive.
"Rei stop playing around!" I shout but still no response. "Wake the fuck up!" My heart skipped as I heard a knock on the door.
I roll the window down. The cop frowned as he leaned over. His face was stern and he looked like he had not shaved for a few days. He was clean shaven, and his uniform well pressed. If you were to think about the stereotypical rookie cop, he would be the one you would imagine. On his name plate it read, "M.A. Nikita". His name is weird.
Have I mentioned that I hate cops? Frantically I shake Rei but nothing works. I turn back towards the cop and try to smile as I roll the window down.
"Hello officer," I say sheepishly. I try to position Rei as if she wasn't dying.
"How much have you had to drink?" Officer Nikita asks.
"Two drinks," I answer but he looks like he's not buying it.
I look to my left and I see a syringe in her arm with some mysterious red liquid. Panicked I look back at the cop, who by now has the door opened.
"So that's what it's all about," the officer asks. "Get out of the vehicle now!" He steps back and draws his weapon.
Great...now I'm gonna get shot, I get out of the car with my hands up. The cop grabs me and throws me against the car and starts patting me down. "This is uncomfortable," I say. He digs into my pocket and pulls out a vial of a thick red liquid. "What the hell? What is that?"
"I don't know but you tell me," the officer says. "It was in your pocket."
"You're a fucking dirty cop!" I shout. I try to wriggle free but the officer overpowered me and threw me on the ground. I hit the ground and I see a goat with its neck turned down staring at me. After what seemed like an eternity I blacked out with the goat watching me.