Summary: Ichigo was fifteen when he met Rukia. It changed everything.
Ichigo was fifteen when the shinigami shenanigans started, when Rukia gave him her powers, when he started talking to Ishida and Inoue, when something started spreading in his chest, warm and pleasant, lifting the heaviness he didn't know was there and he felt himself take a breath for the first time in a long, long time. He was fifteen when Rukia was taken and they went to take her back. He was fifteen when Aizen Sousuke betrayed The Gotei 13 and when he kidnapped Inoue.
Ichigo was fifteen when he fought in a war against a madman.
A/N: Prompts: touch-starved; clothes/bed sharing
Part of ShinIchi weekend 2020.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
Ichigo was seven when hugs were mandatory and cuddles with his sisters were unavoidable and every time before bed there were kisses on his forehead.
Ichigo was nine when his whole world came crushing down and he was left alone with his sisters holding onto him like a lifeline.
Back then, he couldn't help but hold them like they were all he had left too.
Ichigo was eleven when his father started surprising attacks as a training and told him to man up. So Ichigo learned to swallow the bile in his throat, to hold the tears in and smile for his family every day. He built his walls up and up and up and continued taking care of his sisters while holding everyone, even Tatsuki, at arm's length. He was 'the one who protects', he was a man and had to take care of himself, he had to be strong, he had to.
He didn't realise when his smiles turned into fiery scowls and there was a permanent furrow between his brows.
(It was then and there when the edges of him started to crumble into nothing, unstable and broken and unhealed as they were.)
Ichigo was thirteen, beating up the people who corner him for his orange hair and helping ghosts he can in any way possible. His scowl was deep and his life monotone. Something itched in the back of his throat.
(There was flame burning in his heart to protect protect protect. It almost drowned out the waves of myfault myfault myfault)
Ichigo was fourteen when Karin almost never needed him to protect her and he found himself missing the times she hugged him every day and the lazy afternoons spent playing games together. Yuzu was still dependent on him but had already taken over the cooking and cleaning some time ago, leaving him with more free time than he knew what to do with. He found himself sitting at the riverbank, colder and colder each passing day.
Ichigo was fourteen when he met Chad. The lunches were spent with someone he enjoyed spending time with. Little by little, the walls that stood tall and strong started to crumble.
Ichigo was fifteen when he met Rukia. It changed everything.
Ichigo was fifteen when the shinigami shenanigans started, when Rukia gave him her powers, when he started talking to Ishida and Inoue, when something started spreading in his chest, warm and pleasant, lifting the heaviness he didn't know was there and he felt himself take a breath for the first time in a long, long time. He was fifteen when Rukia was taken and they went to take her back. He was fifteen when Aizen Sousuke betrayed The Gotei 13 and when he kidnapped Inoue.
Ichigo was fifteen when he fought in a war against a madman.
But Ichigo was also fifteen when he met Shinji, all sarcasm and jokes and creepy smiles and someone to depend on. In the back of his mind, Shiro perked and Old man Zangetsu hummed and grins stretched across their faces. They didn't tell him what it was but he knew they liked Shinji enough and dropped it. Ichigo was fifteen when Shiro and Old Man Zangetsu were a constant presence in the back of his mind, he had friends and met Shinji. And for that, he would be forever thankful.
(But reality was cruel and always snatched the things Ichigo treasured from his fingers.)
Ichigo was fifteen when he had to rip out two parts of his very soul, his Zanpakutou and Hollow, Shiro and Old man Zangetsu, his, his, his, forever his, and destroy them for the sliver of hope to defeat Aizen and end everything.
(Ichigo was fifteen when Tensa looked at him and said all he -they- wanted was to protect him. He didn't have an answer for this warmth.)
Ichigo was fifteen when he was once again alone. He was fifteen when he clang and clang and clang and clang and went on like nothing was wrong, like nothing changed. He still wasn't enough.
(He tried to numb his heart, to ignore the hole left but Shiro and Zangetsu were a part of him, they were his and their loss hurt more than anything)
('Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I love you')
(Ichigo finally had an answer for their warmth but there was no one to hear it. He was all alone.)
Ichigo was sixteen and spent the most of his time by himself. In school his thoughts were plunged by memories of smirks, playful banter and warm laughter. The lazy afternoons were spent at the riverbank, recalling old memories, warmth and a soft touch.
Ichigo wonders when was the last time someone held him and made him feel safe. He finds himself unable to remember.
(But how could that be true when Ichigo remembers Shinji, remembers the strange feeling of safesafesafehome?)
(There were nights spent after a nightmare wishing for strong arms to hold him and snarky remarks to silence the voices in his head.)
Ichigo was sixteen and he was tired. The days went by, monochrome and bleak, getting up, avoiding Isshin, going to school, being alone, beating up assholes, sitting at the riverbank and going back home. He tried again and again to hold his walls up but felt himself crumbling. But now he couldn't bring himself to care. He was tired, plunged by nightmares and old demons and sometimes wondered why stay? He wasn't needed here. Isshin never needed him. His sisters were now old enough to take care of themselves, spending less and less time with him and didn't need his reassurance and protection anymore.
(Something in him hurt but the pain was old and familiar. He ignored it.)
(But then he remembers a promise and a soft smile in the place of a smirk and stays. He can wait.)
Ichigo was seventeen when his sisters were threatened and his (former) friends put against him and he was alone and powerless once again and desperately tried not to drown.
(Ichigo was fifteen, sixteen, seventeen when he thought about Shinji and the growing fondness and love in his heart and couldn't bring himself to resent him for disappearing for two whole years.)
(Ichigo was seventeen with a reiatsu sword trough him, Shinji holding the handle and felt his heart swell when Shinji dragged him in for a kiss. Still didn't stop him from punching him because 'you were gone for two goddamn years, couldn't you have hurried up you bastard!')
(Something in him warms when Shinji yells back but doesn't hide his smile.)
(Ichigo was fifteen when Shinji in a gigai appeared before him and promised to come back.)
(Ichigo was fifteen when Shinji looked him in the eyes and promised to return to him. Just wait a little.)
(And wait did Ichigo do.)
Ichigo was seventeen when he got his powers back. He picked his packed clothes and left the house in the middle of the night. The air was a little cold but the presence in the back of his mind kept him distracted the whole way. When he finally arrived at his destination, the apartment door opened and Shinji stood there. The grin on his face was familiar and something in Ichigo settled.
He was home.